The Jewish Green Lantern

In typical Jewish tradition, there were no prayers at the Passover Seder I attended, just pure comedy.

Since I moved to California, I have had the good fortune of being invited annually to my friend Bruce's for any and all Jewish festivities. Actually it is more like he supplies the house and I bring the festivities, i.e. the food. I have some great memories from the last four years. There was the time my mom came and told Bruce his coffee was bitter. Oh, and let's not forget the time my mom came and asked Bruce's mother who got the house when she died. This year, even without my mother being there, the memories were plentiful.

I got to Bruce's before the other guests arrived because I told him I would replace a few electrical outlets that seemed faulty. Well, one was definitely screwed up because it set the drapes on fire earlier in the week. I replaced this one without incident and moved on to another one that wasn't really giving any reason for concern, but it was decided that it should be replaced for piece of mind. Now, I have done this type of electrical work many times before without there being a problem, so I guess I was long overdue for something to go horribly wrong. After what I consider top notch work, Bruce turned the power back on only to watch as the carpet around the outlet burst into flames. If only it was Hanukah, it would have been the perfect beginning to the festival of lights. I wonder if the fire were not extinguished if it would have burned for eight nights.

After the smell of burnt nylon started to dissipate the guests began to arrive. Without going into too much detail or hurting anyone’s feelings I will only describe a few key people that were too unbelievable to leave out. If they are reading this, please remember you are all loved, I just have to call it as I see it. One guest came in all white, as if he had just left the Kaballah center. I know it is before Labor Day, but come on. What man wears all white unless he is at a P.Diddy Hamptons party? Actually as the night went on I realized that this guest may very well be the Jewish Green Lantern. He came dressed in what seemed like a costume and he wore the biggest gold ring I had ever seen. At the center of said ring, there was a Jewish star. If the light hit it right, the symbol of the Jews would shine over the table like the Bat Signal. I have these images of him punching a criminal in the head over and over again. As the victim falls to the ground, all anyone would see is the imprint of the Star of David severely bruised into the skin. That is one badass Jew!

In brightest day, in blackest night
No evil shall escape my sight
Let those who worship evil's might
Beware my power, Jewish Green Lantern's light!

The other guest of note was someone only my brother could bring. This particular guest was someone he had never actually met in person before. All contact was through a wonderful website called JDATE. To makes things even weirder, she wasn't Jewish. When asked why she was on JDATE she explained how she feels Jewish men are just more honest. I think she may have been a few eggs short of a carton. She used the phrase 'Oy' no less than three times during the evening. Besides the uncomfortable affection she showed my sibling, she was nice enough. Actually she was a good sport to show up to a holiday event not knowing a soul. Something tells me she did it for the story. Like most women my brother has introduced me to, I know I will never be seeing her again.

The Seder itself went without a hitch. There were no prayers read, just lots of eating and screaming over one another. One of the most memorable conversations of the evening was when half the table decided to start making fun of Hotel Shalom, a local shithole senior facility. The jokes seemed never ending. That was until the Jewish Green Lantern casually mentioned his mother lived there. The awkward silence only lasted between courses.

Last but certainly not least, Carsey, Bruce's Welsh Terrier, decided to finish the night off right. She came rocketing in the house, leaped into the air, ricocheted off the Jewish Green Lantern, and landed on the middle of the table. She was a bit confused as she wondered how she ended up next to a strawberry shortcake. Much to my amusement she was able to knock over a few cups of coffee before anyone tried to grab her.

You really have to wonder why Elijah would pass over the house with the burnt carpet, dog on the table, non Jewish JDater, and pretend super hero.

Thanks everyone for making another holiday memorable.

Special thanks go to the power ring worn by the Jewish Green Lantern.