Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Mackenzie Phillips Sex Tape

Okay I have no idea if there is a sex tape, I was just bored and had nothing else to write about. Try to get that image out of your mind. Now that I think about it, I am willing to bet there is a One Day at Time porno spoof. I can picture it now, Schneider comes over to fix the drains with only one tool in his belt. That tool being a big black plunger. Wow my mind is broken.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

My first death threat: thanks Noordin Mohammed

I just received my first death threat via email and I am honored. I have never felt more important in my life. I don't know what to do. Do I respond? Do I send the money? I can't believe their is a Jihad on my blog.

Awesome!

Here it is:

Look here you bastard. You think i have time for this your stupid talk, i just inform you that some one paid me to kill you and you are here talking no sence to me. this is like the same warning pass on to the america government when they ignore it and it became and ignorance to them, and this is the same warning also pass to the most polular MUSICIAN WHO WAS SHORT DEAD IN SOUTH AFRICA. am also passing this warning to you so if you want to ignore it then you too will face in hell and join the devil.

If you do not comply and cooperate with me in your reply to this email, you will leave me no option as to instruct my Boys to get you shot, for your informations you are to Pay the sum of $3,500 Usd to live your life as a free Citizen, but if you ignore.... As a matter of fact the person whom insructed me to get you killed is waiting for your Funeral news.

http://www.fbi.gov/terrorinfo/top.htm
http://www.historycommons.org/entity.jsp?entity=noordin_mohammed_top_1


Noordin Mohammed.
hm0384@hotmail.com

Friday, September 25, 2009

Bullshit : The Mackenzie Phillips story

I have it on good authority that Mackenzie Phillips is full of shit. Now hear me out before you think I am an animal for discounting her tale of woe. I am looking at this from a purely logical stand point. As any good lawyer with no license would do, I have broken this case down to three arguments as to why it is bullshit:

Reason 1: If you are John Philips, who from what I have been told by the interweb was at one point a famous rock musician at a time when condom was a bad word and sex with groupies bareback was the right thing to do, would incest ever cross your mind? I don't think so. In fact I know so. It doesn't make sense.

Reason 2:
Let's take John Philips out of the equation for a second. Why would any man in his right mind want to have sex with Mackenzie Phillips anyway? Maybe I would have done it in 1979 because she was on TV and I was four years old, but that would have been purely for the story. She kind of reminds me of the crack whore in Boys N the Hood only she aint acting.

Reason 3: Assuming John Philips is so deranged that he doesn't want to have sex with tons of random chicks and really wants to bang his daughter, would Mackenzie be the first choice? Hell no! I am thinking I would have started with Chynna and ended with Bijou before the cuffs were on. The defense rests.

Case dismissed!!!!!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

DON'T STEAL THIS iDEA (that's a play on the whole Apple lower-case i thing)

In this post-Katrina economy we need to innovate with green solutions in order to create synergy. Where we used to enhance value with actual artifacts, these days it's all about the open platform. With that, I present what promises to be the most successful iPhone app to date, a GPS enabled dead Yale grad student locator.

Here's a screenshot:



I figure that between the marketing pitch that I started this post off with, and the millions of pre-orders I'm bound to get from the exposure that The Barry Rides offers, I should have no problem raising enough venture capital to buy a copy of iPhone Application Development for Dummies and getting this gravy train rolling.

Wolf hair and bits of credit card

Don't forget to watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia tonight. If it gets canceled and I find out it is your fault, you are all dead. You hear me? All dead!!!!

Heil Hitler

Rarely does a movie come around that can bring me to tears (Black Dynamite), but last night I simultaneously cried, shot milk out my nose, and shit my pants while watching Inglourious Basterds. Quite the feet since I haven't had a glass of milk in years. The shitting the pants part while crying, ehhh. Anyway, I can't recommend this movie enough. I went into it thinking it would be about some American Jewish soldiers kicking Nazi ass in France during WW2. What I did not expect was that Quentin Tarantino would rewrite history. His ending to WW2 is sooo much better than the real ending. So much better that if I ran a school I would burn all the history books I could find along with a few copies of the Koran, and make the students watch Inglourios Basterds over and over again. When they finally understood WW2, they could move on to watching Mash.

Now get out there and kill some Germans. I mean go see the movie.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Seating Chart

My brother sent this to me with the title "your seating chart at work." It's funny because it's true.

Kayne West - the white man conspiracy

I can picture George Jefferson saying it now, "That boy is an oreo!" People think Kayne hates white people. I know the truth. He deep down loves white people or he is a robot programmed to do their bidding. I can't say too much because of legal reasons, but if you look at who benefited from his antics you will soon realize I am on to something bigger than you and me.
Jay Leno - Kayne was the first guest on Jay's new show. Oh and Jay Leno happens to be white.
Taylor Swift - Sure her thunder was stolen for a night but now everyone is talking about her. Oh, and she happens to be white
Patrick Swayze - Dead and white - oops wrong post

All I ask is that you think about it.
*Picture of Kayne without makeup

Monday, September 14, 2009

BREAKING: Star of 'Dirty Dancing' dead at 57



The Barry Rides has learned exclusively from Facebook that Patrick Swayze's bulge has passed away due to pancreatic cancer. God rest it's soul.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

We will never forget

Sorry this post is a day late but I just realized that yesterday was the anniversary of the attacks of 9/11. Normally we at The Barry Rides avoid serious topics when posting, with the exception of the occasional recipe (those really are good btw). However, on this solemn day (yesterday), we would like to have a moment of silence for our fallen heroes, and remember their courage in the face of extreme danger.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Game Over

Is it wrong I spend 23 hours of the day wishing I had the ability to take people down with one of those power punch moves from the Street Fighter game? If memory serves me correctly it is called the Shinkū Hadōken or in layman's terms, the Vacuum Surge Fist. At least I don't dream of doing a Chun li Hyakuretsu kyaku (百裂脚, Hundred Rending Kicks). That would be silly.


I love Wikipedia.

I am back motherfuckers!

My hard drive shit the bed causing my computer to be deader than Isaac Hayes. I have been forced to do nothing but watch TV when I should be writing. Speaking of The Duke of New York, has anyone seen Truck Turner? It is by far the best movie of 1974. When you are done watching it, you will be prepared for the best movie of 2010.