Milia?

I was at Bay Cities Italian Deli enjoying what could be the perfect meatball sub when I noticed this sign at the shop next door. Now I know what skin tags, moles, and warts are from reading Boy's Life, but I honestly have no clue what Milia are? I will not look it up on the interweb. I refuse to use the same machine that provides me with hours of enjoyment/boobies (thank you tumblr) to learn about something that I clearly have and need removed by a deli slicer. I won't do it.

Wasted Youth

I stumbled across this ad in the back of my pristine copy of Boy's Life magazine, May 1987, volume IV and I immediately cried. All these years wasted with no coitus when for what amounted to a week's allowance I could have had a lifetime membership good for live computer sex. For the last three minutes I have been trying to figure out how much sex that really would have gotten me. I mean, if I was 12 in 1987 and I was jerking off an average of three times a day, everyday with the exception of weekends (five times a day), I would think I would have used up my membership pretty quickly. I imagine eventually being turned away like a fat man at a buffet. Fat man equaling horny pre-teen. Buffet equaling pussy. Figure for an extra 12 bucks I could buy a second lifetime membership. I would have destroyed that computer. I have so much to do when I finally invent a time machine. I have some questions though. What is live computer sex? Would I be having sex with an actual living computer or would it be with a tiny woman inside the computer? We are talking 1987 so I think these questions are appropriate.

Fuck Whitey

It should come as no surprise to any regular reader of this blog that Barry and I have long dreamt of becoming "professional" Nazi Hunters. I put professional in quotes because aside from the sheer pleasure of actually capturing a Nazi, there really isn't much in the way of reward. Sure, you may get lucky and stumble upon a Nazi that still has a pile of loot, but those are rare, and these are late days. Most surviving Nazis have already pawned the gold fillings and rectum diamonds that they took from the Jews. Nazi Hunting is like being a struggling artist in that regard, sure you may grind out a little cash doing it, but you really do it because it's your passion, and you better keep your day job.

Which brings us back to the man that the little asian boy, pictured above, wants dead. The news has been reporting that after a 15 year man-hunt, Whitey Bulger, the boston mobster, was apprehended in Santa Monica thanks to a tip from a neighbor. Normally, I'd say "who gives a shit", but then I read that the FBI was offering a $2 million reward for him.

$2 MILLION DOLLARS FOR AN 82 YEAR OLD WHITE MAN!!!

And to make it worse, Barry lived in Santa Monica at one point. Whitey Bulger could have been our day job! You nail Whitey every now and then and it pays for the Nazi operation, no brainer.

Armed with this information, I went to the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List thinking I'd see what other low hanging fruit was out there... WTF? Everyone else on the list is a Mexican drug lord, and they're only offering $100,000 for each of them. The potential ass-kicking to dollar ratio for each of these guys is exponentially higher. I totally missed the boat, I need Woody Allen to become a wanted fugitive so I can Dogg the Bounty Hunter him. I believe it would look something like this...

*Me Bounty-Hunting Woody Allen In Order To Support My Nazi-Hunting Operation

Such a missed opportunity.

It aint all bad

Being in an entourage can have some great perks. In my case as I mentioned earlier it means I get a pay check, but aside from that sometimes being with the right crew gets you some memorable moments.
Was going to a Dodger game yesterday for inter-league play one of them? No.
Was going to a game, sitting in a suite and having unlimited beers handed to me one of them? No.
Was going to a game, having Tommy Lasorda come into the suite and wish a friend happy birthday one of them? No.
Was having Tommy Lasorda ramble on about how there wasn't a "chinaman's chance" that his assistant would ever find a girlfriend one of them? Yes!!!!!!

I love old people. There are no rules once you make it to 80.

Damn you Mother Nature!!!

Due to the recent tsunami, my billable work at my so called day job has dried up quicker than the shores of Japan. This has kinda put me in a pickle (what the fuck does that mean?) because with no billable work comes no paycheck. Sure, I could look for another job but its tough when the best way to describe me is to think about any of the ten to fifteen guys in 50 Cent's entourage. None of them are doing anything, but as long as 50 makes hit records, they get paid! I am one of these people that show up when the projects are good, throws out some jokes, possibly get my project manager lunch, and bill a few hours here and there. With the aftermath of the tsunami, there ain't no hit records coming out and suddenly I am looking for a job at Wendy's. I either need the economy to improve or MC Hammer to have a come back. My hanger on status is going to shit!

I need to get paid!!!

Mikey has irritable bowl syndrome

The other night I had my first bowel of life cereal in what has to be twenty years and it didn't take more than three bites to realize why I haven't had it since Reagan was in the white house. By bite four the sweat was running down my face even though the room was a cool 68 degrees. My ass quivered as I ran to the bathroom. Why did I buy such a stupid belt? Ah, the sweet release of liquid life cereal shooting out my ass in less than 5 mouthfuls. Wait a minute this isn't my bathroom!

Anyway, my point is I am not sure what is in that stuff. Ground up fiberglass? Perhaps something worse like soluble fiber? Whatever it is, one would have to assume that Mikey must have some serious bowel problems if he is still eating this stuff after thirty years. I am guessing full blown Crohn's or maybe just a touch of colitis. Poor kid.



Yeah, I am back to posting.

If I ever had a son - A Father's Day Post

Went to the beach this weekend, at the local market they had this letter hanging on the wall. It's a little tough to read so here's the text:

"When I grow up I want to be a butcher. I want to be a butcher because I like meat. My favorite type of meat is steak. Sausage tastes good too. I also like hamburgers with pickles and ketchup. Another reason why I want to be a butcher is because I want to try other meats. I might end up liking something I have never tried before. If I like it, I will sell it. My friends will want to buy meat from me and tell their families about my excellent fresh meat. In addition I can eat all the meat I want for free since I like meat so much I can eat it whenever I want. I can call my family and tell them to have some meat. As you can see, I want to be a butcher because I like meat. I would try other meats and I can eat meat for free."

I want this kid to be my son.

Tracy Jordan Morgan aint all bad.

There has been a lot of negative press about Tracy Morgan lately. I guess he made some off colored jokes about killing his kid if he was gay and came home lisping. People are acting like he's a pariah. Has anyone ever listed to Tracy on the Howard Stern show? These comments seem tame compared to his normal stuff. Anyway I have to give Louie C.K. credit. He defended Tracy and pointed out the guy is doing standup not preaching at a pulpit. It would be awesome if Tracy was a preacher though. Maybe standing on a milk crate in Union Square, telling everyone the mother ship is coming. Soon enough I'm sure.

Finally, I have to agree with him. If my kid came home and was a black homo, I would want to stab that little nigga too!

Now I know I am not supposed to use that word but come on, this is for the sake of comedy! I am obviously talking about the word "homo".

Weepy Weiner Licked by Breitbart

A trembling, deflated Weiner

Aptly named and over-exposed member of Congress Anthony Weiner
("D"-NY) spilled on his turgid turptitude cocky conduct today during a particularly penis-related press conference, in which he gave penetrating insight into his recent public boners. Barry's staff made contact with Weiner's, and despite much friction and stiff resistance from his right-hand man, managed to milk the following quote directly from Weiner's mouth:

"No, I'm not thinking about running for president in 2012 with Eliot Spitzer as my vice president, but yeah, that would make a pretty funny bumper sticker. By the way put your cock back in your pants, you fucking disgusting bum"

[The Barry Rides declined to do so]

More people that are cooler than I am

Smoking babies, teenagers that sail around the world, and now these broads.... The list keeps growing.