Friday, September 29, 2006

One week down, 1559 to go

I never realized I could accomplish so much with my life. I actually made it five days in a row without taking a nap. Oh, and coincidently I just finished my first week at my new job. It wasn't all bad. They have those hard candies with the liquid centers that my grandmother used to have. Life is good!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Celebrity spotting, Phil style

So I got a call the other night and it went down like this:

Ring. . .Ring. . .Ring

Barry: Hello
Phil: Dude, I am in my car and I just pulled up next to Peter Dinkladge. He's driving a blue Kia.
Barry: Bullshit
Phil: I swear
Barry: Take a picture
Phil: Okay, hold on. (fumbling sound) Dude, I can't get the photo it is too dark, but I am sure it was him. Why else would he be freaked out that I was staring at him.
Barry: Could it be the fact he was some random midget and you were trying to take his photo at a traffic light.
Phil: Yeah maybe that was it. I am still sure it was him.
Barry: Sure it was.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Happy New Year!

I really hope 5767 treats me better than 5766. Have a great holiday everyone!!!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

B-I-N-G-O and Bel Air was his name O

Played Bingo last night at Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood. The host was a transvestite wearing more makeup than Cesar Romero circa 1966. The best part is I won a game called ‘Top or Bottom.’ Thankfully I was a top. In typical West Hollywood fashion the prize was a mini facial and an eyebrow waxing. Let the jokes commence.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Lockdown

Violated my parole

Prisoner #6473285, you have been sentenced to life in a cubicle for the crime of having no money.

Yes, it is true: I am going back to work. My lack of money and drive have forced me to realize I cannot get by on the fact I have three nipples (it is five bucks to see them, ten to touch).

I am going to suit up in a standard prison issue Banana Republic uniform and pretend that I care about nothing and everything for at least a few weeks. Eventually the warden will realize I snuck in and have me removed.

I would give more details about the job, but you never know who is a prison snitch. Can't risk it, at least not until I make a shiv out of my Oral B toothbrush.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

National Butterscotch Pudding Day

Get off your ass and eat some pudding. You owe it to your country.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Houston's

I am pretty sure that if there was a nuclear holocaust and there were only cockroaches left on the planet, I would still have to wait 45 minutes for a table at Houston's.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Career advice at Costco

  • 50 gallons of Tide - check
  • 2 pounds of potato salad - check
  • Economy size package of granola bars - check
  • Career advice from Costco employee giving out samples of herbal tea - check

So I was having my lunch at Costco today, cracker with spinach spread, spoonful of pot-roast, mini taco, cracker with seafood spread, piece of turkey bacon, spoonful of pot-roast, baby triangle of quiche, when the woman giving out samples of herbal tea announced she loved her job. My response was, "At least someone does." This was in no way an invitation to talk. I just wanted my 2 ounces of tea and to be on my way. What I got was an impromptu seminar on interviewing.

Here are some of the highlights:
  • It's not what you know, but what you say.
  • Tell 'em you are looking for a long-term position.
  • Never be afraid to quit.
Honestly truer words have never been said to me by a person wearing a hairnet.

Happy Birthday, Pity Meals

Happy Birthday Pity Meals!!!!!!

New post coming tonight.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Time traveling dreamer

Doc, what does this one mean?

Last night I dreamt that I traveled back in time to 1990. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. Best of times because Sizzilean was still available at my local grocer. Worst of times because pegging jeans was still in style. Sadly, instead of using my knowledge of the future to make me rich I ended up back in freshman world history. In my dream version of high school, the desk and teenage acne was the same, but the students and faculty had all been updated. Tobey Maguire was sitting in front of me. We chatted about him eventually playing Spider-man. As the bell rang I got up and told the teacher, who happened to be Stephen Colbert, that he was going to do wonders for Comedy Central. As I walked out the door, Vice Principal Condoleeza Rice walked by. I informed her she would soon be the most powerful woman in America. She looked at me and smiled. I woke up a few minutes later in a cold sweat.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Two turn tables and microphone

Craigslist is a really funny website. It is the only place I know of where you can arrange no strings attached anal sex and buy a used refrigerator; sometimes from the same person. If I am looking for someone to be the recipient of a Dirty Sanchez or a Golden Shower I never think twice about the respectability of whom I will find on craigslist. It is only after I bring cash into the equation that I start to think about being murdered. Since my Cleveland steamers are always free, I am obviously talking about when I am buying or selling items of value on craigslist. For the most part all things bought or sold are done in person, hence the local community aspect.

My last post was all about the funny emails I got in response to my ad for a used Apple Powerbook. I got offered everything short of the money I was actually asking for. Hell, if only I had a child who needed clarinet lessons. That trade really seemed like a good deal. I ended up selling the laptop for full price mind you, but in order to do so I had to let a total stranger into my home. When the guy called to discuss the transaction we talked about the computer for a few minutes before I said half jokingly, "You aren't a serial killer, right? I mean people know you're coming over." He laughed and said he would be over in an hour. This is where it gets amazing. I am standing out front when he pulls up in his late model Saab. The guy has a head full of dreads, a beard, and a sweet sleeveless shirt. He got out of the car carrying a brief case. What's in the brief case? Knives? Apple diagnostic discs? I wasn't sure what to think. Is he going to murder me or argue with me about who the best keyboard player was in the Grateful Dead? I would actually have preferred murder to the latter conversation. Luckily he was just this really cool guy who calls himself the tech-nomadic video blogger. Apparently he has been driving around the country for years in a solar RV breaking beats. He is my new hero. I could learn a lot from this guy. Video blogging is the future. Thank you craigslist. The best part is that according to his site he is looking for people to join his crew.

My brother always says I should network. I am so hitting this guy up to be my mentor. At the very least maybe he can teach me to break it down.

Check out his site and blog. You won't be disappointed.

http://eklektro.blogspot.com/
http://eklektro.net/

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Georgia on my mind

I am in the process of selling an old Apple powerbook on craigslist. It used to be that all the scams had me mailing whatever I was selling plus cash (not sure why) to some village in Africa. Well the scammers have improved their game. Now everyone wants me to send my money and goods to Georgia. Very crafty! They almost had me.

Scam 1:

Hello
Thanks for the reply,I receive ur E-Mail concerning my question about this KBOX with the games , im realy in need of this item because im sending it to my clientsomewhere else, so im realy in need of this item .i am located in ,
4 MAKANJUOLS STREET OFF OLUWAGA B/T,
IPAJA LAGOS,
North Georgia,
23401,
US
so i will be prepare to make the payment through United State Postal Money Order because it iS very safe and secure for both of us cos i dont want any confusion or any fraudulent activity to dwell in this transaction that is why i havebeen taking precautions since the last two month cos i got burntand idont want to fall for the same thing again so please understand mypoint,I should have come to see this item but you can attach the picsof the item for me to see cos its very weird to but what you haventseen with your eyes.Therefore i am expecting your name,address,zipcode,city,state so that
i can know where the moneyorder should be send to,And also if you want your money in cash i can pay through cash and it would be insured by United state postal service.But you will have to pay for it if you want it to be insuredor you have to reduce the price of the item if you want me to pay for the Cash packaging. i can offer you $700 last for the items cos i really need it,And for the shipping i will handle that myself cos i have personal account with fedEx shipping company so i will handle the shipping my self.Get back to me if you are satisfied with this or if you have anydifferent opinion.

Scam 2:

Thanks for your reply concerning my enquiry,am base in Alpharetta, North of Georgia United State(NG/US).Am quite comfortable with the condition of the item since i won't be making any repairs on it,i will like to offer you $670 including packing materials without you paying for any shipping charges b'cos i already have an account with FedEx,i would have loved to make the payment in cash and carry but we are not in the same state so i will like to go ahead with the payment by sending you a Money Order which will be sent to you directly from usps office here in Alpharetta or send you a MoneyGram money order which will also be sent to you from a MoneyGram office here in Alpharetta .I wanna buy this Apple Powerbook G4 Aluminum for my step son to fulfill the promise his dad made before he died,i lost my lovely husband to an auto accident on 29th of May 2006 and since then i and his step son tobi have been living seperately and i want to buy the item for him because his dad promised him before death took him away from us and i think with this i and his son can live as a family.Kindly get back to me immediately you receive my E-mail with your full name and mailling address in which the money order will be sent to and the type of money order you perfered most ok.
Regards.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Jesus rolls on DUBs

Happy Labor Day!!

Funny sign outside my neighbor, the church's parking lot over the weekend.



Sunday, September 03, 2006

Same Bat Pay

I should have saved this for September 19th (Adam West's birthday).

Crikey!

Steve Irwin killed by Stingray