Vacation Jean Shorts

I am about to take a week off. During that time I will be constructing the perfect pair of jean shorts (pics to follow). Since it is the holidays I see no reason why I can't tell you how to make your very own pair. This way when I am done we can compare.

Take one pair of very worn jeans, preferably a pair that have a hole in the genital region.
Use sharp scissors to cut the legs off. The shorter the better.
Now here is the tricky part, after you cut them make sure you cut them again. I know you think you cut them short, but I cannot emphasize enough that you must make them shorter. A good measure would be that the pockets should hang lower than the jean material.
Once your cutting is complete, you must wash and dry the shorts no less than 15 times. This will give you the perfect fringe.

Now put those puppies on and rock out. Remember good jean shorts are like a fine wine. They get better with age.

Enjoy your holidays!

Thinking of going legit

I am contemplating classing up the joint by buying the url - www.barryrides.com. Maybe get some professionals to make this look like a real operation. Maybe add some curtains when you get to the site. Maybe a sweet sofa in the corner. I will put it next to the fully stocked bar. I have no idea what I am talking about.

Coming soon www.barryrides.com

Slim Good Body - Part 4

Ring, ring went the desk phone. The caller id flashed Slim Good Body . . . I will assume incorporated or productions was cut off on my screen. Then again how cool would be if that was Slim's given name. Oh to be Mrs. Slim Good Body. Okay, enough dreaming. To the point, I don't think my bike costume idea is ever going to get off the ground. Slim doesn't want shorts to be made or pants for that matter. All he would agree to was a long sleeve jersey. What good is showing your intestines if you don't see where they empty out? I may still do it, but I am kind of let down right now. I might have to go with my back up plan and have a Jimmy "Dynamite" Evans costume made.

Pelé scores!!!!

I went to my first ever NHL game (LA Kings) last night. My neighbor has season tickets and decided it would be a good opportunity to try and make me play tonsil hockey with his penis. I am kidding. His sexuality has never been in question. I just really wanted to incorporate the term tonsil hockey into this post. For now I will say I appreciate the fact that he took me to watch a sport that is almost as popular as Soccer. Dare I say it, I had a good time. Let's review why:

Beer at game - plus
Nate & Al's corned beef sandwich available at the Staples center, pleasantly surprised - plus
Multiple Fights between players at game - plus
Some sort of girl cheerleader squad that cleans the ice with shovels - double plus
Guy performing hat trick - ehh, not impressed, but we can put it on the plus side

My only real issue with the game was that there seemed to be a lot of Jews in the stands. I am not sure who is scanning tickets but I plan to get to the bottom of it.
*might have been my reflection in the ice.



And finally the conversation I had with my brother before leaving for the game:
Barry(2:44:21 PM): I am actually going to the kings gaame tonight with my neighbor
Lewis (2:44:38 PM): I'm going to see the cosmos play at the meadowlands tonight
Lewis (2:46:30 PM): Hockey. why don't go see jai lai
Barry (2:48:05 PM): that would be awesome

Greatest Lotto Idea Ever - Cannonball

For a long time I had only one plan for when I won the lottery. That plan was to see which one of my friends would eat a deuce for a million bucks. This conversation has gone on for years. What would the consistency of the poop be? Could I cook it? Do I have to eat the whole thing? Is it human?

I have decided I have a better idea. Let me introduce you to my greatest plan ever.
Barry's Cannonball Run 1985.

It is a race across America for a million of my hard earned lotto dollars.
Here are the rules:
*Only my friends can enter
*Your car can not be newer than 1985
*Cars must be stock or have no modifications that weren't available in 1985.
*No GPS,no cell phones
*Everyone must have a CB
*No two entrees can have the same car
*Race leaves from the Fireplace in Paramus NJ on a day of my choosing
*You must eat a steak sandwich before leaving the Fireplace parking lot
*Fastest one to the Crowne Plaza in Redondo Beach is the winner
*Winner gets a million bucks, which I will pay them in pennies

Fine print:
I am not liable for anything. This includes death, dismemberment, loss of job, etc.

Awesomest Dream Ever

Last night I dreamt I could fly. What did I do with my amazing new power you ask? Well I flew over to the U.K. for a tour of the Land Rover Defender plant. Sadly, as I was walking around the grounds a mountain lion mauled me. I cried while screaming, "Get it off, get it off, get it off!" Looks like it is going to be another awesome day!

Razor blades found in Fruit Cake?

It seems every company is canceling their annual Christmas party because of the failing economy. Is the economy really that bad or is it Halloween 1985 all over again? I still remember my mom not letting me trick or treat because she was sure, without a doubt that I would be the one kid to die from a needle in a Reggie bar.

I am still bitter.

R.I.P. Jake 1974 - 2008

It is with regret that I am posting about the passing of Jacob Kono. Earlier today I realized I lost him to Facebook. He held out for as long as he could. Constantly mocking the people on it. Laughing as his sister updated her mood to 'giddy'. Sadly though he was stricken with boredom which led to a full blown AIDs Facebook addiction. I will pray for his soul.



**It's been a slow day.

I Curse Andy Samberg

I hate that I love this. I hate more that it is damn funny. I hate more that I came in my pants watching it.

Slim Good Body - Part 3

Email I received from Slim himself:

Hi Barry:

Thanks for the email. I actually have a design and manufacturer who can produce a copy. Call me and we can talk about this –

John
John Burstein
Slim Goodbody Corp.


I am kind of scared to call.

I need a home!

Meet Wally!!!!

Wally is a four year old welsh terrier that needs a home.

Wally's mom died and her final wish was that her son would care for him. Like any good son, the moment his mother was in the ground, he decided to give Wally away. If you are less of a douche than this guy, then Wally is the dog for you. He is happy, healthy, super sweet, gets along with other dogs, loves children, knows arithmetic, etc, etc. Other than being slightly overweight he has no issues. I think Wally's mom was one of those people that showed her love through food. In other words the best type of person there is.

If you are looking for a an awesome dog then leave me a note in the comments section and I will make it happen. I have the power to give you a friend who will judge you less than I do.

Slim Good Body - Part 2

My plan is coming together.

I just sent this email to Slim:

Dear Mr. Good Body,

I remember being a little kid in '70s and loving your show. One of my classmates claims you came to our school. I wish I remembered it. (Ann Blanche Smith School, Hillsdale NJ)

I am writing you because I have a question about the suit. I am an avid road cyclist and I want to make a bicycling outfit that matches the slim good body design.

http://www.uplandsg.com/capoforma_custom/index.htm

I would need to make at least 35 to meet most manufacturer minimums. I know the design has to be copyrighted, but I was wondering if we could have access to the design if the outfits obviously advertise the slim good body company and if the purchasers make a charitable donation. Perhaps Slim Good Body would like to sponsor a bike club? It would be nice to get the name out there with a fitness activity that benefits the whole body.

Any help would be great. Thanks

Barry

You seem pretty upbeat

Ten Minutes ago:

Barry: I was thinking about you this morning. I have to commend you on your good attitude toward life.
Co-worker: In what context were you thinking about me?
Barry: It was nothing special. I had a belt around my neck while I was jerking off.

Guess the co-worker?

**Tomorrow I am bringing back posts detailing my dreams! Tonight I plan to eat a pound of sugar before bed. Stay tuned.

Live and Die by my posts

My brother just told me that you live or die by how many posts you do so I am contemplating opening up the blog to a couple of guest writers. Give them the keys to the kingdom so to speak.
There is my friend Jake who I would like to write about how being born to a woman in prison shaped everything that has happened to him since. Sort of like the butterfly effect, but with less Ashton Kutcher, but just as much douche. My brother could be another guest writer. He can write about how his lack of cleanliness has caused him to judge the moral fiber of others. After those two I really don't have anyone in mind. For that matter can I trust either of them? Sounds like I would have to do some proof reading. Screw that.

Three posts today!!!

Thanksgiving 2008 - 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 reasons it sucked

Don't call me a cynic.

Reason #1: Went out for the feast this year. Food sucked. Who serves turkey without the skin?

Reason #2: Saw Four Christmases. How many movies can the corpse of Vince Vaughn make before full rigor mortis sets in?

Reason #3: Rented Tropic Thunder and Hancock. There is no god.

Reason #4: I tried to make up for reason #1 by ordering a hot turkey dinner in a local diner. "Sorry sir, we are out of stuffing" (told to me after the rest of the food was brought out)

Reason #5: I tried to make up for reason #4 by going to the Ritz Carlton for brunch on Sunday. "Sorry sir, due to the recession, the brunch buffet has been canceled."

Slim Good Body

I want to make a bike costume (spandex road bicyclists wear) in the Slim Good Body design.

Thoughts?

Turn this:


Into this:


Maybe even a helmet that looks like a Jew fro.