Blackleg Barry

In this time of need I wanted to let Hollywood know that I am available to write. I have no shame crossing the line. If you need me for an episode of 30 Rock, I am there. The same goes for working on Days Of Our Lives or Hotel Erotica Cabo edition.

Actual License Plate

No joke. I was behind this car last night.

Butterscotch

Esquire - November 2007

P 142 - Foods you'll be enjoying aplenty in 2008: Butterscotch

The world is beginning to recognize.

So glad I bought butterscotch pudding futures.

Butterscotch the dog

Casa Bonita

I am not sure if I mentioned this before but my office moved to a new building. For the most part there is nothing special about the new digs unless you count having Casa Bonita studios as your neighbor a big deal. Oh wait, I do!!!! Casa Bonita studios is where they make South Park. For the last few weeks I have been thinking of ways to show Trey Parker and Matt Stone that what they really need is a third partner. Sure they have made it tens years already, but I have my doubts they can keep it going without me. I thought I was finally being called up to the big leagues on Thursday when someone from Casa Bonita came into my office and asked for the guy who drove the blue land rover. As I was about to say my good byes to the suckers around me, the south park employee informed me I parked my car in a Casa Bonita reserved spot. Something about getting that piece of shit out of the exec spot for his M5. This might not have been my opportunity but at least they know me. I am the douche with the blue land rover.

It is a start.

Werwolf Bar Mitzvah

Why can't I write for 30 Rock? Oh, that's right, no talent. Damn!! On another note how amazing is this clip? I could go on about how amazing a werewolf Bar Mitzvah would be, but all this clip does is make me think of my own Bar Mitzvah. I don't even think we played Coke/Pepsi. I think my mom bought a fur coat with my gift money. Well not the bonds. That paid for the new aluminum siding 10 years later.

Gym Douche

I recently found myself reading Men's Health when I came across an article regarding that guy who plays the "transporter". It was all about how he got in sick shape by working out at some gym near LAX. The article included a link to the gym's website. The gym supposedly specializes in unconventional workouts; climbing ropes, kettle balls, etc. Being that I have become a serious fat ass lately, I figured I would get in contact with the gym and see if I could sign up for a few sessions with a trainer. Here is the email exchange between me and the gym:

My initial email:

Hi Logan,

I saw the article in Men's Health regarding your training. I live in Los Angeles and would like to meet with you to see if you could train me. I think the article said your gym was around LAX. Shoot me an email or call so we can discuss.

Thanks

Barry

The douchey response:

Hi Barry,

Thanks for inquiring about Epoch Training.

Hopefully the following will answer some or all of your questions regarding our efforts.

Our main facility is located in Los Angeles. We do not have packages, programs for the public or anything even close to memberships. Our clients aren't barcodes, screen names or numbers. Tours of the facility are not an option. We're not being elitist or aloof, that's just how it is for now. We are working on projects until '08 so no new clients will begin before then.

Here's how we work. Epoch provides training to individuals and small groups after an initial screening interview and training session. If the potential client has the right mindset, motivation and discipline to reach their stated goals, a training cycle will be agreed upon and the fees will be established. Training can cease at any time if the client is not meeting their end of the agreement and making the type of progress they are capable of making.

Regarding the simplicity of our web presence, there's no gentle way to say it so here it is. We don't have the time and are not concerned with displaying our craft to those who aren't actively participating in it. The online fitness model is out there already. Epoch Training isn't in line with simple pre-packed fitness programs that are more accessible and marketable to the masses. Unless one becomes actively involved with us, the site and this email are the only information publicly available regarding Epoch Training.

We do not utilize "a program." The training cannot be easily or completely described as it is tailored for each individual and the context in which we find ourselves. Our knowledge and the training progressions of our clients are constantly evolving. Of course, we utilize the following: intervals, "strongman" type activities, rowing, Olympic & power lifting, sprinting/running, gymnastic/body weight movements, trail running & hiking, circuits, Military O-course type events, agility/stability drills and whatever seems right in a given context. These methods and more are mixed in whatever fashion is appropriate for a given individual's goals, ability level and temperament. Variability and creativity make particular, purely physical descriptions insufficient and distracting.

All of this is then stacked on top of serious discussion regarding nutrition and other lifestyle factors that influence health and performance. We do our best to explore and modify outside factors that can either help or hinder progress in the gym. It's all related. The totality of lifestyle stresses; nutrition, sleep/recovery, personal relationships, physical injuries, etc. seems to be what holds people back so that is addressed alongside the training itself.

If Epoch sounds right for you and you'd like to be considered as a client, please tell us more about yourself and what you're after.

Thank you for being curious. We wish you the best in your pursuit of a more complete and effective training regimen.

Regards,

Logan

My absurd response:

Logan,

I served in Long Range Recon Patrols in Southeast Asia. Left the service to study mystic martial arts with the Arashikage family. I was living an ascetic existence alone in the High Sierras with a pet wolf named Timber when I decided I needed to get back in the game. I have been living in Los Angeles for the past few months. I am looking to sharpen my skills and my overall cardiovascular shape so I can sign up for another tour with the special forces. I read the article about the transporter guy and was intrigued.

The ultimate comeback:

Gosh Barry, if you studied under Storm Shadow and Snake-Eyes I highly doubt there's anything you could possibly learn from Epoch Training.


Take care,


He seemed like a douche but the fact that he knows his GIJOE means he isn't all bad.

Well played

Deuce

Am I the only one who thinks Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo has a good soundtrack? Seriously look it up if you don't believe me.

"Deuce, you the best he-bitch in my man stable. If I had two more manginas like you, I'd be a millionaire."