Be my black girlfriend

I don't think Chocolate News is as funny as The Chapelle Show. Is it wrong to compare the two just because they both are on Comedy Central and have Black stars?



*David Alan Grier you will always have a place in my crispity crunchity butterfinger heart.

Lazy Writing

My writing style has gotten a bit lazy lately. Its like I sat on my hand, waited for it to fall asleep then started typing. Oh wait, I am thinking of something else I like to do. Today much to by chagrin, I was called out on my lack of enthusiasm for the written word. I was told at the very least I could pretend to care by proof reading. I swear to do a better job pretending to care in the future.

Useless Facts

I have decided to start an ongoing segment where people can learn useless facts about me. It will be broken into seventy-three sections with eleven sub parts. I am joking. I am sure I will give up after writing this one. Here we go:

I hate rust but I like patina - Dumbest fact ever
I love butterscotch pudding - preferably hot
I have serious ADD - self diagnosed
Smell is my favorite sense - see butterscotch pudding fact
Poop jokes never get old - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Who Pooped the Bed? Season 4 Episode 7
I wish women gave birth to puppies instead of babies - no need to explain.

That's it for now.

My life explained!

I know for a fact my mom didn't breast feed me.

Breast-Fed Baby May Mean Better Behaved Child

Favorite line in the article:

And the likelihood of mental health issues decreased in proportion to the duration of breast-feeding, meaning that a child who had been breast-fed for a year was less likely to have behavior problems than a child who had been breast-fed for just two months.

Donut Man

I drove 50 miles one way this weekend to eat a donut. I really don't see that as a problem. I ordered four, took a bite out of each and threw the rest away. It felt like that episode of Three's Company where the food critic comes to Jack's restaurant, takes a bite of food and leaves. The only difference was no one working there cared that I didn't finish my food. That and the fact I was screaming "DON'T JUDGE ME", while waiving my sugary hands at the guy behind the counter.

One bite of Rasberry
One bite of Bavarian
One bite of a Cream Cheese (better in theory)
One bite of powdered sugar

Donut Man, it's good, but personally I'm a Randy's kind of guy.

Thirty Years ago I cried like a girl

When I was a toddler my mom took me to see Watership Down. I sort of remember seeing some rabbits and blood before the tears blocked my vision and my mom asked the 15 year old behind the counter for her money back. Rabbits aren't supposed to hurt each other. It's been thirty years and I still don't think I could make it through the movie.

Oh the horror!

So Ridiculous

Thanks Colleen for helping me love myself almost as much as you do; love yourself that is.

Video

Mickey Mouse Hands

I have been told over the years that I have large hands. Well large hands would have been a compliment. I have been told that I have the following:
*French Toast Stick fingers
*Fish Stick Fingers
*Sausage Link fingers
*Smooth Down Syndrome Hands (no lines)
*Fat Fingers

and the best, by my girlfriend's mother, Mickey Mouse hands. Look what she sent me for my birthday.

Me typing this post



Sadly they are quite comfortable.

I sent a man to death on my birthday

Today I turned 33 years old. It feels like yesterday that I was lying on my bedroom floor playing with a couple of gijoe figures. Oh wait, it was yesterday. People have been asking me all day what I was doing for the big day. Was I going anywhere special, blah, blah, blah. Beat this, today I had jury duty. What better gift could a person ask for than deciding the fate of another human being? I sat patiently all day waiting to be chosen. I was hoping my case would be settled in the alley behind the courthouse. There would be sub-titles, me dressed as some sort of shogun, and with the flip of a coin, someone would be put to death by villagers with torches. Alas, all that happened was, I ate a egg and cheese sandwich and fell asleep in the back of the jury waiting room. Next time!

Calisthenics

In six or seven years I will be the model of fitness.