Vacation Jean Shorts

I am about to take a week off. During that time I will be constructing the perfect pair of jean shorts (pics to follow). Since it is the holidays I see no reason why I can't tell you how to make your very own pair. This way when I am done we can compare.

Take one pair of very worn jeans, preferably a pair that have a hole in the genital region.
Use sharp scissors to cut the legs off. The shorter the better.
Now here is the tricky part, after you cut them make sure you cut them again. I know you think you cut them short, but I cannot emphasize enough that you must make them shorter. A good measure would be that the pockets should hang lower than the jean material.
Once your cutting is complete, you must wash and dry the shorts no less than 15 times. This will give you the perfect fringe.

Now put those puppies on and rock out. Remember good jean shorts are like a fine wine. They get better with age.

Enjoy your holidays!

Thinking of going legit

I am contemplating classing up the joint by buying the url - www.barryrides.com. Maybe get some professionals to make this look like a real operation. Maybe add some curtains when you get to the site. Maybe a sweet sofa in the corner. I will put it next to the fully stocked bar. I have no idea what I am talking about.

Coming soon www.barryrides.com

Slim Good Body - Part 4

Ring, ring went the desk phone. The caller id flashed Slim Good Body . . . I will assume incorporated or productions was cut off on my screen. Then again how cool would be if that was Slim's given name. Oh to be Mrs. Slim Good Body. Okay, enough dreaming. To the point, I don't think my bike costume idea is ever going to get off the ground. Slim doesn't want shorts to be made or pants for that matter. All he would agree to was a long sleeve jersey. What good is showing your intestines if you don't see where they empty out? I may still do it, but I am kind of let down right now. I might have to go with my back up plan and have a Jimmy "Dynamite" Evans costume made.

Pelé scores!!!!

I went to my first ever NHL game (LA Kings) last night. My neighbor has season tickets and decided it would be a good opportunity to try and make me play tonsil hockey with his penis. I am kidding. His sexuality has never been in question. I just really wanted to incorporate the term tonsil hockey into this post. For now I will say I appreciate the fact that he took me to watch a sport that is almost as popular as Soccer. Dare I say it, I had a good time. Let's review why:

Beer at game - plus
Nate & Al's corned beef sandwich available at the Staples center, pleasantly surprised - plus
Multiple Fights between players at game - plus
Some sort of girl cheerleader squad that cleans the ice with shovels - double plus
Guy performing hat trick - ehh, not impressed, but we can put it on the plus side

My only real issue with the game was that there seemed to be a lot of Jews in the stands. I am not sure who is scanning tickets but I plan to get to the bottom of it.
*might have been my reflection in the ice.



And finally the conversation I had with my brother before leaving for the game:
Barry(2:44:21 PM): I am actually going to the kings gaame tonight with my neighbor
Lewis (2:44:38 PM): I'm going to see the cosmos play at the meadowlands tonight
Lewis (2:46:30 PM): Hockey. why don't go see jai lai
Barry (2:48:05 PM): that would be awesome

Greatest Lotto Idea Ever - Cannonball

For a long time I had only one plan for when I won the lottery. That plan was to see which one of my friends would eat a deuce for a million bucks. This conversation has gone on for years. What would the consistency of the poop be? Could I cook it? Do I have to eat the whole thing? Is it human?

I have decided I have a better idea. Let me introduce you to my greatest plan ever.
Barry's Cannonball Run 1985.

It is a race across America for a million of my hard earned lotto dollars.
Here are the rules:
*Only my friends can enter
*Your car can not be newer than 1985
*Cars must be stock or have no modifications that weren't available in 1985.
*No GPS,no cell phones
*Everyone must have a CB
*No two entrees can have the same car
*Race leaves from the Fireplace in Paramus NJ on a day of my choosing
*You must eat a steak sandwich before leaving the Fireplace parking lot
*Fastest one to the Crowne Plaza in Redondo Beach is the winner
*Winner gets a million bucks, which I will pay them in pennies

Fine print:
I am not liable for anything. This includes death, dismemberment, loss of job, etc.

Awesomest Dream Ever

Last night I dreamt I could fly. What did I do with my amazing new power you ask? Well I flew over to the U.K. for a tour of the Land Rover Defender plant. Sadly, as I was walking around the grounds a mountain lion mauled me. I cried while screaming, "Get it off, get it off, get it off!" Looks like it is going to be another awesome day!

Razor blades found in Fruit Cake?

It seems every company is canceling their annual Christmas party because of the failing economy. Is the economy really that bad or is it Halloween 1985 all over again? I still remember my mom not letting me trick or treat because she was sure, without a doubt that I would be the one kid to die from a needle in a Reggie bar.

I am still bitter.

R.I.P. Jake 1974 - 2008

It is with regret that I am posting about the passing of Jacob Kono. Earlier today I realized I lost him to Facebook. He held out for as long as he could. Constantly mocking the people on it. Laughing as his sister updated her mood to 'giddy'. Sadly though he was stricken with boredom which led to a full blown AIDs Facebook addiction. I will pray for his soul.



**It's been a slow day.

I Curse Andy Samberg

I hate that I love this. I hate more that it is damn funny. I hate more that I came in my pants watching it.

Slim Good Body - Part 3

Email I received from Slim himself:

Hi Barry:

Thanks for the email. I actually have a design and manufacturer who can produce a copy. Call me and we can talk about this –

John
John Burstein
Slim Goodbody Corp.


I am kind of scared to call.

I need a home!

Meet Wally!!!!

Wally is a four year old welsh terrier that needs a home.

Wally's mom died and her final wish was that her son would care for him. Like any good son, the moment his mother was in the ground, he decided to give Wally away. If you are less of a douche than this guy, then Wally is the dog for you. He is happy, healthy, super sweet, gets along with other dogs, loves children, knows arithmetic, etc, etc. Other than being slightly overweight he has no issues. I think Wally's mom was one of those people that showed her love through food. In other words the best type of person there is.

If you are looking for a an awesome dog then leave me a note in the comments section and I will make it happen. I have the power to give you a friend who will judge you less than I do.

Slim Good Body - Part 2

My plan is coming together.

I just sent this email to Slim:

Dear Mr. Good Body,

I remember being a little kid in '70s and loving your show. One of my classmates claims you came to our school. I wish I remembered it. (Ann Blanche Smith School, Hillsdale NJ)

I am writing you because I have a question about the suit. I am an avid road cyclist and I want to make a bicycling outfit that matches the slim good body design.

http://www.uplandsg.com/capoforma_custom/index.htm

I would need to make at least 35 to meet most manufacturer minimums. I know the design has to be copyrighted, but I was wondering if we could have access to the design if the outfits obviously advertise the slim good body company and if the purchasers make a charitable donation. Perhaps Slim Good Body would like to sponsor a bike club? It would be nice to get the name out there with a fitness activity that benefits the whole body.

Any help would be great. Thanks

Barry

You seem pretty upbeat

Ten Minutes ago:

Barry: I was thinking about you this morning. I have to commend you on your good attitude toward life.
Co-worker: In what context were you thinking about me?
Barry: It was nothing special. I had a belt around my neck while I was jerking off.

Guess the co-worker?

**Tomorrow I am bringing back posts detailing my dreams! Tonight I plan to eat a pound of sugar before bed. Stay tuned.

Live and Die by my posts

My brother just told me that you live or die by how many posts you do so I am contemplating opening up the blog to a couple of guest writers. Give them the keys to the kingdom so to speak.
There is my friend Jake who I would like to write about how being born to a woman in prison shaped everything that has happened to him since. Sort of like the butterfly effect, but with less Ashton Kutcher, but just as much douche. My brother could be another guest writer. He can write about how his lack of cleanliness has caused him to judge the moral fiber of others. After those two I really don't have anyone in mind. For that matter can I trust either of them? Sounds like I would have to do some proof reading. Screw that.

Three posts today!!!

Thanksgiving 2008 - 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 reasons it sucked

Don't call me a cynic.

Reason #1: Went out for the feast this year. Food sucked. Who serves turkey without the skin?

Reason #2: Saw Four Christmases. How many movies can the corpse of Vince Vaughn make before full rigor mortis sets in?

Reason #3: Rented Tropic Thunder and Hancock. There is no god.

Reason #4: I tried to make up for reason #1 by ordering a hot turkey dinner in a local diner. "Sorry sir, we are out of stuffing" (told to me after the rest of the food was brought out)

Reason #5: I tried to make up for reason #4 by going to the Ritz Carlton for brunch on Sunday. "Sorry sir, due to the recession, the brunch buffet has been canceled."

Slim Good Body

I want to make a bike costume (spandex road bicyclists wear) in the Slim Good Body design.

Thoughts?

Turn this:


Into this:


Maybe even a helmet that looks like a Jew fro.

Old People

I am walking Monkey (the dog) down the street as an elderly couple approaches holding hands. It was like one of those commercials for a Diamond is Forever. As they get close I catch a bit of the conversation:

Elderly Man: When I was a boy my mom would make spaghetti with meat sauce, sometimes she even made sloppy joes.
Elderly Woman: What a cute dog!

The couple release their hands to walk around me and said dog. As the couple separates, the woman lets out a thunderous fart. Nothing more is said. They re-embrace as they pass me.

A fart is forever!

If it bleeds, we can kill it

So I am sitting at the bar at Mozza when I look over and see Sanaa Lathan sitting right next to my brother. For those who don't know, Sanaa was in one of the greatest movies of all time, Alien Vs. Predator. After a few awkward moments of staring, I was sure enough to let my brother in on my vast useless knowledge. Without missing a beat, he asks Sanaa if she was indeed in the movie. Once she confirmed her identity the conversation took a weird turn. Instead of talking about how she became good friends with the predator, Scar, and saved the earth, we talked about what restaurants to visit in LA. Nishimura was at the top of my list.

**My one regret is not commending her on her performance as an organ stealer married to Larry Hagman on Nip/Tuck. Maybe next time.

New Interesting Facts

I would never bang a hooker because I would think the whole transaction would be patronizing.

I had a dream that Christie Brinkley was Jennifer Lopez's mother

My brother is in the process of writing the Holocaust Two - the Musical

I gave a friend career advice yesterday that worked.

I really want a drill press

Writing lists like this makes me a super douche.

Economy Worsens - No more Korean Facials

Korean Facials has to be a porn title. Let me look. I cheated and typed Korean Facial Porn into google to get these amazing results. Sadly, I am not talking about that kind of facial. I am talking about the kind where I go to old town Torrance and have a Jehovah's Witness rub my face while telling me that the males of all species are better looking than the females. The Peacock was the example that proved her hypothesis.

I am one handsome Peacock. Watch me strut.
Picture taken while I was compromised!

Observation with regards to the economy

There was a homeless man eating a container of peanut butter outside my local supermarket last night. What's odd about that, you ask? He was dressed in the following:
Magnum P.I. short shorts
Torn Huarache Sandals
Navy Blazer with gold buttons

The best part is I caught a bit of his conversation with what I can only assume used to be the president of Cannon Films.

"I would have been gay for Robert Conrad from The Wild Wild West show. He was a handsome man."

Awesome!

Neurosis - One man's struggle with a permanent marker

As the day went on the paranoia about a heart attack became acute. I drew a line on my arm. I figured if the bruise/clot made it that far, death was imminent. Alas the bruise never moved. Maybe next time.

Fear of pleated pants and blood clots

It has been a rough week for my company. There was a layoff and I honestly can say I don't wish being jobless on anyone right now. By anyone I am really referring to myself. Whereas some people with OCD have an insane fear of prison I have an insane fear of going to work at some big corporation. Can you picture the horror? I am wearing tan pleated dockers with a sweet cuff. Just to finish the pants off we will say they are an inch too short. I go to sleep dreaming that the following morning I will wake up working IT in some cube surrounded by Patels. No offense my Indian brothers. I must do everything in my power to make sure that never happens.


Oh and I have a weird bruise on my left arm this morning. Fear of a heart attack is also in the cards for the day. Happy Friday!!

The George Costanza Conundrum

Dear George

I have a friend that I always break plans with. Tomorrow I am supposed to go with him somewhere but I seriously want to cancel. It has nothing to do with him. I just don't feel like going. I know he is waiting for the call where I say, "I am OUT!!!" So the question is do I go to prove him wrong.

Sincerely,
Barry - a flakey friend

Dear Barry,

This reminds me of the time I was desperately trying to get out of a relationship but I refused to break up with the girl just to prove her and her friends wrong about me. They kept telling her, he won't commit, he will break your heart, blah, blah, blah. They were right, but do you think I was going to let them know that. I stayed in that relationship until the whole episode was over. Was it because I loved her? No! Was it because I was paid a boat load of cash to be on a hit sitcom? No! I stayed in that relationship purely out of spite for her and her friends.

In closing, Barry, don't tell your friend you don't want to go. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing what kind of person you are. Instead make being around you soo miserable that he will bail on you. This way he is the bad guy.

Sincerely,
George - It isn't a lie if you believe it is true.

Last Chance to Vote!

Do you really want to tell him you didn't vote!!



Barack and McCain will clearly be sent to the Phantom Zone!!!

Shopping at the drug store

You would think there would have been at least one guy with his collar up in this aisle.

*Picture taken in Rite-Aid

Be my black girlfriend

I don't think Chocolate News is as funny as The Chapelle Show. Is it wrong to compare the two just because they both are on Comedy Central and have Black stars?



*David Alan Grier you will always have a place in my crispity crunchity butterfinger heart.

Lazy Writing

My writing style has gotten a bit lazy lately. Its like I sat on my hand, waited for it to fall asleep then started typing. Oh wait, I am thinking of something else I like to do. Today much to by chagrin, I was called out on my lack of enthusiasm for the written word. I was told at the very least I could pretend to care by proof reading. I swear to do a better job pretending to care in the future.

Useless Facts

I have decided to start an ongoing segment where people can learn useless facts about me. It will be broken into seventy-three sections with eleven sub parts. I am joking. I am sure I will give up after writing this one. Here we go:

I hate rust but I like patina - Dumbest fact ever
I love butterscotch pudding - preferably hot
I have serious ADD - self diagnosed
Smell is my favorite sense - see butterscotch pudding fact
Poop jokes never get old - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Who Pooped the Bed? Season 4 Episode 7
I wish women gave birth to puppies instead of babies - no need to explain.

That's it for now.

My life explained!

I know for a fact my mom didn't breast feed me.

Breast-Fed Baby May Mean Better Behaved Child

Favorite line in the article:

And the likelihood of mental health issues decreased in proportion to the duration of breast-feeding, meaning that a child who had been breast-fed for a year was less likely to have behavior problems than a child who had been breast-fed for just two months.

Donut Man

I drove 50 miles one way this weekend to eat a donut. I really don't see that as a problem. I ordered four, took a bite out of each and threw the rest away. It felt like that episode of Three's Company where the food critic comes to Jack's restaurant, takes a bite of food and leaves. The only difference was no one working there cared that I didn't finish my food. That and the fact I was screaming "DON'T JUDGE ME", while waiving my sugary hands at the guy behind the counter.

One bite of Rasberry
One bite of Bavarian
One bite of a Cream Cheese (better in theory)
One bite of powdered sugar

Donut Man, it's good, but personally I'm a Randy's kind of guy.

Thirty Years ago I cried like a girl

When I was a toddler my mom took me to see Watership Down. I sort of remember seeing some rabbits and blood before the tears blocked my vision and my mom asked the 15 year old behind the counter for her money back. Rabbits aren't supposed to hurt each other. It's been thirty years and I still don't think I could make it through the movie.

Oh the horror!

So Ridiculous

Thanks Colleen for helping me love myself almost as much as you do; love yourself that is.

Video

Mickey Mouse Hands

I have been told over the years that I have large hands. Well large hands would have been a compliment. I have been told that I have the following:
*French Toast Stick fingers
*Fish Stick Fingers
*Sausage Link fingers
*Smooth Down Syndrome Hands (no lines)
*Fat Fingers

and the best, by my girlfriend's mother, Mickey Mouse hands. Look what she sent me for my birthday.

Me typing this post



Sadly they are quite comfortable.

I sent a man to death on my birthday

Today I turned 33 years old. It feels like yesterday that I was lying on my bedroom floor playing with a couple of gijoe figures. Oh wait, it was yesterday. People have been asking me all day what I was doing for the big day. Was I going anywhere special, blah, blah, blah. Beat this, today I had jury duty. What better gift could a person ask for than deciding the fate of another human being? I sat patiently all day waiting to be chosen. I was hoping my case would be settled in the alley behind the courthouse. There would be sub-titles, me dressed as some sort of shogun, and with the flip of a coin, someone would be put to death by villagers with torches. Alas, all that happened was, I ate a egg and cheese sandwich and fell asleep in the back of the jury waiting room. Next time!

Calisthenics

In six or seven years I will be the model of fitness.

Shana Tova and some Hitler trivia

I just wanted to wish all my Jewish peeps a happy new year!! On that note, what could be a better time to bring up HItler.

Here is some more dialogue for the movie I will never write. This is an actual conversation that was had by a couple of my friends and some random girl over the weekend. Names have been changed to protect the idiotic.

Random Girl: I have a friend who's grandfather was the lawyer who tried Hitler.
Ekaj: Uh, Hitler never went on trial. He and Eva Braun killed themselves before being captured.
Random Girl: Really?
Ekaj: Yeah
Ttam: Ekaj, you really made that girl feel like a fool. I think you tripped her up when you mentioned Hitler's last name.
Ekaj: Uhhh, Hitler is his last name you idiot. Adolf Hitler!!!

When I don't write the script I will make sure to put in descriptions so the actors can get the facial expressions correct.

Rye bread French Toast

Yesterday a friend told me that when he goes out to breakfast he orders rye bread french toast. Something about the bread being less likely to become soggy. Personally I think it is crazy talk, but until I try it I will hold off on making any comments I can't take back.

Thoughts?

So White!!!!

So my friend Jhen came for a visit this past weekend as you might have gathered from my Super Bush post. Being that she is ethnic, I try to act all down. Yeah, I listen to rap. One of the nights Jhen was in town she suggested we go to her friend Sean's art show. Who am I to say no to culture. All I knew about the place we were going was the address, 5111 West Pico. I assumed it would be a quaint little art gallery with some nerds looking at comic prints. At least that is what I hoped it would be. What I didn't expect was the art gallery was really a graffiti shop that happened to have some wall space for a couple of paintings. I have never felt whiter than I did in the spray paint half of the store. I walked in with my little fury dog and my pale white girlfriend and the music stopped. People obviously thought I was lost.
"Can I help you man?"
"Ugh. . . do you have any good paint for rust?"
"No. You need to get your ass out of here and try Home Depot."
"Sorry to disturb you. It won't happen again."
"Damn straight it won't happen again."

Okay none of that was said, but there might have been some awkward stares. Who knew there was a store where you could buy nothing but supplies for vandalism, I mean art. They had everything from vintage enamels to different nozzles so you could get your tag perfect. Told you I was down. I really have to plug the store. It fucking rocked. I may even go back one day. Of course I am going to have to take some of those tanning pills C. Thomas Howell took in Soul Man beforehand.

Check out the store. 33third

Oh and check out Jhen's friend's art. He is pretty talented for a black guy. Lesean Thomas

On a final note I must curse Jhen for making me go to Roscoe's for chicken and waffles. My bowels are more broken than my brain.

Actual photo of my meal

Jhen, thanks for the visit.

Super Bush

My friend Jhen came for a visit over the past weekend. Yes, that is how you spell her name. I think it has something to do with her Ecuadorian roots or her mom's lack of spelling ability. I am not sure which.

Somehow during her stay the conversation lead to stray body hair. A chin hair here, a toe hair there! All things I just didn't want to hear about, until of course the conversation turned to her mom's bush. Jhen felt comfortable enough in my presence to reminisce about going to the beach in the 80s with her mom. Her mom insisted on two things; wearing a bikini, and not having a bikini wax. Her mom was proud of her ginormous bush. The further down the leg it went the more feminine she was. I listened in horror as she told the story. All I could do was act like I was the therapist and she was the molested child. I drew a picture and asked Jhen to add the pubic hair. I promised no one would hurt her again.
"Jhen, show me what the bush looked like."

Here is the drawing I did. Jhen added the pubic hair. Later her brother confirmed the story. At least I think he did. All he said was "Dang girl, you told them about mom's pubes! I am still scarred!"



More about Jhen's visit coming soon!

Random photo from my car

Looks like I'm not the only asshole who bought doggles for his dog.

New Show Idea

How about a gynecologist who has his office on a boat?

Can't you picture the boat rocking with the girl in the stirrups? Okay I am an animal, but I still think it's funny.

Vaginal Cream Pen

There is nothing better than going to a meeting with a client, trying to act like you care about your job, taking clear and concise notes, only to realize that the pen you are holding has the word 'vaginal' written in huge letters down its side. Sadly, it isn't one of those pens that you turn upside down to show a girl's boobies. It is a pen that was obviously stolen from a doctor's office. My pen that writes so well is a trinket from the makers of Clindesse better known as (clindamycin phosphate) vaginal cream 2%. It is now my favorite pen.

Cholesterol Eating Mogwai

I just received news that my cholesterol is at an all time low.

Total - 168
LDL - 101
HDL - 56

Malts for everyone!


I'm not really sure where I thought this post was going. I had grand dreams of telling some elaborate story involving me, Mr. Wing, and a cholesterol eating mogwai but I just couldn't make it come together.

Valley Crossfit turned me into John McCain

Did Valley Crossfit give me the fortitude to be a prisoner of war? No. Did it give me the strength to run for president? Doubtful. Did one beginner class make it so I can't lift my arms over my head? Absolutely! I had the pleasure of working out for one hour yesterday at Valley Crossfit. It is one of those places where all my Lou Ferrigno weight lifting style gets thrown out the window. The place is all about coordination and form. Both of which I have in little supply. It was a very humbling experience. Sure I can't comb my hair today, but like a battered wife, I know I will be back for more. I am thinking I will start out small, nothing too big, something local. Oh wait that is the premise for the last Rocky movie. In either case my goal is to build some hurting bombs. In all seriousness I did enjoy the workout and will be back. I figure it puts me one step closer to my eventual goal of being a ninja detective.

Here is a picture of me now that my arms no longer bend:


I would also like to thank my brother for coming with me to the class. He is not big on deviating from his normal routine, which he reminded me of many, many times. He claims he would rather run on a treadmill for a good cardio workout, but the sweat dripping down his head as he tried to do pull-ups tells a different story. There may be hope for him yet.

Official Food of Fall

I have decided that the vanilla malt is the official food of Fall. On what authority I have no idea.

Patent Pending

I have created the perfect breakfast meal.

Make one baked potato. Make sure the skin is nice and crispy. Cook two slices of bacon. This must also be nice and crispy. Slice the potato open, apply butter, and crumble the bacon inside. Now for the most important part. Wait for it. Wait for it. Poach two eggs and put them inside the potato on top of the bacon. Tell me this isn't genius. I call it the poached egg, bacon, loaded baked potato. The name needs work but the concept is solid. I am going to be so rich!

It's Always Sunny on TV

The best stuff happens to people on TV. It makes me wish I lived inside inside my TV. No one seems to be able to relate to my feelings except a local homeless guy who uses a burnt out Zenith for shelter. In any event I am thrilled because in six days It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia starts back up. Happy Day!

I wish I was this clever!

Craigslist Ad that was just pulled:

Wanted: a roommate who pays rent in cookies: "The rent is $1 per month, utilities included, as long as you bake me fifty (50) tasty cookies every day by 6 p.m. If you have not completed this task by 6 p.m., I will pour vinegar on all your belongings, throw them into the street, and have the locks changed...I will decide the specific type of cookie the day before and will submit my preference in writing..." [Craigslist]

The vinegar is such a nice touch. It really shows the dichotomy of this guy's personality. ON the one side he is sweet(cookies) but on the other sour (vinegar). He obviously has been hurt before.

Fuck Facebook

I am a complete narcissist. My obsession with myself can be described as painful, but even I think it is pathetic how people update facebook every two seconds with what they are doing or their mood. No one cares. In protest I have decided to pull my profile. I realize as I write this no one cares about that either.

Blog Roll

I am planing to update the blogroll in a few minutes. Add all the stuff that keeps my broken mind busy in a day. Before I do here is a site I kind of like, Oobject. So many lists to keep my OCD going!

Blogging Goodfellas Style

Good day blogging today?
Yeah
Blog about a lot?
Yeah
Tell me about this letter from Blogger. It says you haven't been blogging in months! In months! Think you are so smart? You're a bum! Want to grow up to be a bum????

On that note I am back!!!!
Fast forward to 5:39

So much in common

Today one of my co-workers who I normally don't talk to walked up to me and said, "Hey, Barry, I hear we have something in common." As soon as the statement was made I began to freak out. I have a guilty conscience. I immediately ran through all that we could have in common; stealing office supplies, cheating on taxes, banging his wife, etc, etc. Before I could squirm too long, he told me what it was. He said matter of factly, "I have an anal fissure and I hear you had one too." What an awesome thing to be known for in the work place. Yes it is true I did have an anal fissure a few years ago. I made some jokes about it at work so of course now everyone knows and thinks I am authority. I feel bad for the guy. It was the worst pain I have ever had in life. I gave him all the advice I could (doctor recommendation). Sadly I had to have surgery, but maybe he will get lucky and it will heal on its own. If you would like to learn more about my anal fissure adventures, click here.

Become an awesome lover with Soft Viagra

I have been getting inundated with emails lately regarding my prowess as a lover. I am not sure why but every email is for some soft form of medication. I assume they think I am an old man who either can't swallow or has no teeth. By using soft Viagra I can gum the pill until I have an erection.

This is the body of the email. I suggest not clicking the link:

From: Nacexo Riqeme
groups.google.com/group/we859dm7/web/gr5s

The new group of potential mercenaries had diverse specialties. Some were proficient at hand-to-hand combat against the thinking machines; others had developed more esoteric sabotage or destruction skills. All of them, though, were useful additions in the age-old struggle against Omnius.

I am beyond confused about the text. What does soft Viagra have to do with mercenaries?

Eye Twitch

For the past week my right eye has been quivering like it ate raw chicken. I have tried everything. Xanax, sleep, bananas for potassium, poking it with a finger, yet it still twitches. I have now decided it is time for a patch. I think it will make me look sophisticated.

Thoughts?

Simple yet effective

Things I did last night

Popped my earthquake cherry

After being in Los Angeles for seven years I finally experienced an earthquake. I sat at my desk as the ground shook around me. I thought the floor was going to open for the devil to take me home. No such luck.

The best part of the earthquake was the fact that I didn't bother to go under my desk or in a door jam. I just stared up at the rattling track lighting above my head with a stupid grin on my face. Safety first I always say.

Sixty Days

Today we said goodbye to my brother's 1971 Mercedes 280 SL. Sixty days exactly. Some might say it lasted longer than expected. Some might say a valuable lesson was learned. I prefer to believe that like the Death Star there will be two in the evil empire's lifetime.

We await your triumphant return.

Long live the SL

Step Brothers hits close to home

I saw Step Brothers this past weekend. You would think the premise would be hard to believe. Two forty year old men living with their respective parents, suddenly thrust into living together when their parents wed. It was like a modern day Brady Bunch. I am not even sure it was more dysfunctional than the Brady Bunch. I mean in this version at least the siblings don't want to fuck. I might be wrong about that though. To get to the point I loved the movie. I find I enjoy movies, books, etc when I can relate to the subject matter because of my own life experiences. For example, when Will Ferrell puts his balls on John C. Reilly's drum set (yes, you see balls), it reminded me of the time my brother wiped his dick across the head of my Super Mario Brother's cartridge and told me that he cleansed it. If that didn't bring up feelings of nostalgia, the scene where Will Ferrell uses a bath mat to wipe his ass because he ran out of toilet paper certainly did. Hey, I did live with my brother for three months. Oh the memories. Drop what you are doing and go see the movie now. It will make you miss your siblings or at the very least you will have some weird desire to see Mary Steenburgen naked.

Thank you for being a friend.

I just poured some beer on the floor for one of my homies.

Sophia, you will be missed.

For my next trick . . .

I had the pleasure of seeing Ricky Jay perform last night with his 52 assistants. There is so much to say I don't know where to start. I guess I could start with the fact that my brother insisted I get to his place no later than 3pm for the 8pm show so that he would have ample time to eat his weekly meal at Pizzeria Mozza. "We must go now!!!", he screamed in a Ritalin rage. So off we went to eat pizza while my brother read a book at the table. God forbid there was a lull in the conversation. He must be entertained!!! We had a good two hours to kill after our very early bird dinner so we drove around LA for a bit admiring the mid century homes that neither of us would ever be able to afford. Once the ride was complete we parked in Westwood and walked over to the Geffen playhouse to watch Ricky Jay. I was really hoping he was going to do some amazing card tricks that involved cutting things in half with the ace of clubs or at the very least giving my brother a shave with the eight of diamonds. Amazingly the greatest trick happened before the show even started. I sat out front next to a beautiful fountain. As I stared down at the coins that obviously represented some poor sap's dreams, I heard a squawk from above. As I looked up at a seagull I was splashed by something hitting the water. Was it a dead rat? Of course not. It was a chicken wing from what I assume was Popeye's. I guess the bird realized he was eating his own so he decided to drop it down to me as an offering. I have been hit by bird shit before but never a deep fried wing. It must be good luck.

The show was great. Ricky Jay opened a new deck of cards and did every trick you could imagine a person with card skills would do. The highlight for me was when he asked my brother to pick a card and remember it so he later could pull it out of a shuffled deck. The fear on my brother's face was priceless. Shit, can I remember it? What if he calls me on stage? My pants -- they have no buttons!!

It was a great night. Check him out if you have time.

Ricky Jay/

The Dark Knight - a review

Can I believe a man could dress up in Kevlar and fight crime - Yes
Can I believe with the right money you could have a batmobile - Yes
Can I believe a man might wear make-up and be a sociopath - Yes
Can I believe that two men, one being horribly disfigured, could love Maggie Gyllenhaal - Absolutely not!

Damn Email Groups

Every two weeks I send an invoice to my company's accounts receivable department asking for payment for the stellar work that I do. I have done this roughly fourteen times without issue. After sending out an invoice last week, it came as a shock to me to receive responses regarding my mental aptitude/pay rate from multiple graphic artists at my company.

Apparently I sent the following email with an attached invoice (detailing my pay) to the entire company's creative department:

Hi Linda,
Please find attached my invoice for 7/1 - 7/15.

Do you think you will be paying invoices this week? I have two due now. This will be my third submitted. I would like to catch up so there is only one outstanding at a time.

Thanks

Barry

Right there is some of my finest work.

Blog not dead but resentful

This blog is not dead. I have been busy lately with my real job playing pick up games of basketball at the local park. I sit in the stands while my friend hustles the local players into letting the white rube play. It aint easy being this good.

The 'lude

As many of you might remember, I had a 1989 Honda Prelude through most of my formidable years. The 'lude served me well on my many travels. Up and down the eastern seaboard it went without an issue. Who can forget how flawlessly it performed going to Key West during one of my college breaks. Sadly, after 220 thousand miles we were forced to part ways. Last I saw it was flying a Puerto Rican flag in Lodi. I kid. I am thinking about combining my love for nostalgia and my love for the Subaru Brat by buying this amazing vehicle.

Greatest Prelude of all time
Its not a Prelude, its not a truck, it's an amazing cruck!!!!!