Final Post of 2006 - Tooth in my wallet

So I am getting coffee at a local shop when out of nowhere a canine molar falls out of one of the credit card slots in my wallet. Try explaining that to the other people on line. The worst part is I don't think it belonged to my dog.

Happy New Year!!

Updates

I dreamt I updated the blog. Does that count?

I might as well wear sweat pants

It has been three months since I started my new job. All is well except for the fact that a female co-worker told me earlier in the week that I am starting to get fat. Well, fat in comparison to how I looked when I started. Oh the shame of always being hungry.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. While my stomach has been full, my mind has been empty. I swear I will try harder, just don't hit me.

More proof the '70's ruled

Such promise

From the Ann Blanche Smith Elementary School book of poetry circa 1985:

Night Fighter
Intelligent
NOT NICE
Judo
Acrobat

by Barry Fein Grade 5

The Vagine

1. Shitting in a plastic bag
2. Jerking off on the street in front of Victoria's Secret
3. Pamela Anderson in a sack
4. Running of the Jew

I make sexy time at Borat. Go see!

Rich!!!!

Some of you may be wondering whatever happened to The Everyman Review. If that is the case you really have too much free time on your hands. The Everyman Review went the way of the dodo. Shifting continents and a hole in the ozone layer killed it. That, and Typepad actually wanted me to pay to host it. Since neither I nor my illustrious partner could afford the seven bucks a month we decided to let it have the slow death it deserved. As luck wold have it, I just received an ADBRITE check for $1.07. Why couldn't this check come before I took a job? That is some good money. The only problem is it was written to the Everyman Review, so I have no clue how to cash it. Damn!

Scared Away

A while back I mentioned how I have a secret crush on Niki Gudex. It really isn't a secret. Most people with eyes feel the same way I do. She keeps popping up in my dreams. Anyway I noticed that there is a place on her website to email her. Since she hadn't updated her site in what seems like years I felt it was my duty to find out what gives.

Email to Niki:

You have got to update your site! The hottest girl in mountain biking
owes it to her fans.

An actual response from Niki:

Thanks Barry. It has been an intense year. I hope to put that information online soon/

All the best,
Niki

My first can not leave well enough alone response:

You actually respond to inane emails like mine? I am impressed. I would think you get 50 nutjob emails a day and some guy with a bad mustache would be responding for you. Something like this:

Dear _______.

I know you are my biggest fan but hiding in the woods and jumping out while I am biking is not a good idea. Please keep in mind people know where I am. Don't take this the wrong way but we will never be together not even in heaven.

Now please keep 50 feet away as the restraining order dictates.

Thanks

Niki


Okay I just made myself laugh. Counts for something

Thanks again

Niki's second mistake:

Thanks Barry, that was hilarious and made my day! Yes I do get a lot of email and some would give your second email a run for its money but I just think that if I wrote to someone then it would be cool if they could respond even only briefly. So I just try my best.
Cool, keep laughing!
Cheers,
Niki

Me pushing it too far:

OMG, you wrote back again. Now we are officially in love. I will
notify the American Press, you can deal with Australia. We can ride
our bikes down the aisle at our wedding. As long as the aisle isn't a
hill there shouldn't be a problem.

I give you one more response before your amusement turns into fear.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now for whatever reason she stopped writing. I think going to her house is the next logical step.

Bad tattoos and 5 cylinder cars

It has been fifteen days since my last post. In that time I found Jesus and adopted a small African boy named Oookkaaa. The first k is silent. I'm lying. It is actually the second k that is silent. In other news I saw a guy today at the gym with an Acura symbol tattooed on his arm. I kid you not, it was an Acura symbol. He did jazz it up a bit with big colorful flames. Pretty fire makes me happy.

My neighbor is trying to unload his '93 Acura Vigor. My match making skills are finally going to pay off.

The Departed

I saw The Departed yesterday and all I have to say is "wow." Actually that isn't all I have to say but it is a start. Most people will see the movie for Nicholson or DiCaprio. I say go see it for Mark Wahlberg. His character and dialogue were amazing. I can imagine Scorsese coaching him:

Scorsese - "Just play yourself if you never made it out of Boston."
Wahlberg - "Shut up, you dumb guinea!!"
Scorsese - "I think you're ready."

Mark Walbherg has officially redeemed himself for making Planet of the Apes. Now that I think about it, what is with Mark Wahlberg making nothing but remakes?

• The Italian Job
• The Truth About Charlie
• Planet of the Apes
• The Departed

Happy Birthday To Me!

Hello everyone,

Thirty-one years ago today with one epidural and plenty of pizza my mother released me from her loins. The years have been good to me. Some of the highlights:

• Cured cancer when I was 5.
• Created a vaccine for AIDS when I was 12.
• Earned my first billion by 15.
• Posed in Playgirl at 18.
• Graduated from med/business/law school at 19.
• Introduced the indigenous people of New Guinea to a banking system using coconuts at 23.
• Fought Uday Hussein to the death at 28
• Found a renewable natural fuel to power flying cars at 30.

Even with everything I have accomplished I still wouldn't mind some gifts:

• Defender
• Explorer
• 959
• Batcave
• Turbo

Thanks everyone!

One week down, 1559 to go

I never realized I could accomplish so much with my life. I actually made it five days in a row without taking a nap. Oh, and coincidently I just finished my first week at my new job. It wasn't all bad. They have those hard candies with the liquid centers that my grandmother used to have. Life is good!

Celebrity spotting, Phil style

So I got a call the other night and it went down like this:

Ring. . .Ring. . .Ring

Barry: Hello
Phil: Dude, I am in my car and I just pulled up next to Peter Dinkladge. He's driving a blue Kia.
Barry: Bullshit
Phil: I swear
Barry: Take a picture
Phil: Okay, hold on. (fumbling sound) Dude, I can't get the photo it is too dark, but I am sure it was him. Why else would he be freaked out that I was staring at him.
Barry: Could it be the fact he was some random midget and you were trying to take his photo at a traffic light.
Phil: Yeah maybe that was it. I am still sure it was him.
Barry: Sure it was.

Happy New Year!

I really hope 5767 treats me better than 5766. Have a great holiday everyone!!!

B-I-N-G-O and Bel Air was his name O

Played Bingo last night at Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood. The host was a transvestite wearing more makeup than Cesar Romero circa 1966. The best part is I won a game called ‘Top or Bottom.’ Thankfully I was a top. In typical West Hollywood fashion the prize was a mini facial and an eyebrow waxing. Let the jokes commence.

Lockdown

Violated my parole

Prisoner #6473285, you have been sentenced to life in a cubicle for the crime of having no money.

Yes, it is true: I am going back to work. My lack of money and drive have forced me to realize I cannot get by on the fact I have three nipples (it is five bucks to see them, ten to touch).

I am going to suit up in a standard prison issue Banana Republic uniform and pretend that I care about nothing and everything for at least a few weeks. Eventually the warden will realize I snuck in and have me removed.

I would give more details about the job, but you never know who is a prison snitch. Can't risk it, at least not until I make a shiv out of my Oral B toothbrush.

National Butterscotch Pudding Day

Get off your ass and eat some pudding. You owe it to your country.

Houston's

I am pretty sure that if there was a nuclear holocaust and there were only cockroaches left on the planet, I would still have to wait 45 minutes for a table at Houston's.

Career advice at Costco

• 50 gallons of Tide - check
• 2 pounds of potato salad - check
• Economy size package of granola bars - check
• Career advice from Costco employee giving out samples of herbal tea - check

So I was having my lunch at Costco today, cracker with spinach spread, spoonful of pot-roast, mini taco, cracker with seafood spread, piece of turkey bacon, spoonful of pot-roast, baby triangle of quiche, when the woman giving out samples of herbal tea announced she loved her job. My response was, "At least someone does." This was in no way an invitation to talk. I just wanted my 2 ounces of tea and to be on my way. What I got was an impromptu seminar on interviewing.

Here are some of the highlights:

• It's not what you know, but what you say.
• Tell 'em you are looking for a long-term position.
• Never be afraid to quit.

Honestly truer words have never been said to me by a person wearing a hairnet.

Happy Birthday, Pity Meals

Happy Birthday Pity Meals!!!!!!

New post coming tonight.

Time traveling dreamer

Doc, what does this one mean?

Last night I dreamt that I traveled back in time to 1990. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. Best of times because Sizzilean was still available at my local grocer. Worst of times because pegging jeans was still in style. Sadly, instead of using my knowledge of the future to make me rich I ended up back in freshman world history. In my dream version of high school, the desk and teenage acne was the same, but the students and faculty had all been updated. Tobey Maguire was sitting in front of me. We chatted about him eventually playing Spider-man. As the bell rang I got up and told the teacher, who happened to be Stephen Colbert, that he was going to do wonders for Comedy Central. As I walked out the door, Vice Principal Condoleeza Rice walked by. I informed her she would soon be the most powerful woman in America. She looked at me and smiled. I woke up a few minutes later in a cold sweat.

Two turn tables and microphone

Craigslist is a really funny website. It is the only place I know of where you can arrange no strings attached anal sex and buy a used refrigerator; sometimes from the same person. If I am looking for someone to be the recipient of a Dirty Sanchez or a Golden Shower I never think twice about the respectability of whom I will find on craigslist. It is only after I bring cash into the equation that I start to think about being murdered. Since my Cleveland steamers are always free, I am obviously talking about when I am buying or selling items of value on craigslist. For the most part all things bought or sold are done in person, hence the local community aspect.

My last post was all about the funny emails I got in response to my ad for a used Apple Powerbook. I got offered everything short of the money I was actually asking for. Hell, if only I had a child who needed clarinet lessons. That trade really seemed like a good deal. I ended up selling the laptop for full price mind you, but in order to do so I had to let a total stranger into my home. When the guy called to discuss the transaction we talked about the computer for a few minutes before I said half jokingly, "You aren't a serial killer, right? I mean people know you're coming over." He laughed and said he would be over in an hour. This is where it gets amazing. I am standing out front when he pulls up in his late model Saab. The guy has a head full of dreads, a beard, and a sweet sleeveless shirt. He got out of the car carrying a brief case. What's in the brief case? Knives? Apple diagnostic discs? I wasn't sure what to think. Is he going to murder me or argue with me about who the best keyboard player was in the Grateful Dead? I would actually have preferred murder to the latter conversation. Luckily he was just this really cool guy who calls himself the tech-nomadic video blogger. Apparently he has been driving around the country for years in a solar RV breaking beats. He is my new hero. I could learn a lot from this guy. Video blogging is the future. Thank you craigslist. The best part is that according to his site he is looking for people to join his crew.

My brother always says I should network. I am so hitting this guy up to be my mentor. At the very least maybe he can teach me to break it down.

Check out his site and blog. You won't be disappointed.

http://eklektro.blogspot.com/
http://eklektro.net/

Georgia on my mind

I am in the process of selling an old Apple powerbook on craigslist. It used to be that all the scams had me mailing whatever I was selling plus cash (not sure why) to some village in Africa. Well the scammers have improved their game. Now everyone wants me to send my money and goods to Georgia. Very crafty! They almost had me.

Scam 1:

Hello
Thanks for the reply,I receive ur E-Mail concerning my question about this KBOX with the games , im realy in need of this item because im sending it to my clientsomewhere else, so im realy in need of this item .i am located in ,
4 MAKANJUOLS STREET OFF OLUWAGA B/T,
IPAJA LAGOS,
North Georgia,
23401,
US
so i will be prepare to make the payment through United State Postal Money Order because it iS very safe and secure for both of us cos i dont want any confusion or any fraudulent activity to dwell in this transaction that is why i havebeen taking precautions since the last two month cos i got burntand idont want to fall for the same thing again so please understand mypoint,I should have come to see this item but you can attach the picsof the item for me to see cos its very weird to but what you haventseen with your eyes.Therefore i am expecting your name,address,zipcode,city,state so that
i can know where the moneyorder should be send to,And also if you want your money in cash i can pay through cash and it would be insured by United state postal service.But you will have to pay for it if you want it to be insuredor you have to reduce the price of the item if you want me to pay for the Cash packaging. i can offer you $700 last for the items cos i really need it,And for the shipping i will handle that myself cos i have personal account with fedEx shipping company so i will handle the shipping my self.Get back to me if you are satisfied with this or if you have anydifferent opinion.

Scam 2:

Thanks for your reply concerning my enquiry,am base in Alpharetta, North of Georgia United State(NG/US).Am quite comfortable with the condition of the item since i won't be making any repairs on it,i will like to offer you $670 including packing materials without you paying for any shipping charges b'cos i already have an account with FedEx,i would have loved to make the payment in cash and carry but we are not in the same state so i will like to go ahead with the payment by sending you a Money Order which will be sent to you directly from usps office here in Alpharetta or send you a MoneyGram money order which will also be sent to you from a MoneyGram office here in Alpharetta .I wanna buy this Apple Powerbook G4 Aluminum for my step son to fulfill the promise his dad made before he died,i lost my lovely husband to an auto accident on 29th of May 2006 and since then i and his step son tobi have been living seperately and i want to buy the item for him because his dad promised him before death took him away from us and i think with this i and his son can live as a family.Kindly get back to me immediately you receive my E-mail with your full name and mailling address in which the money order will be sent to and the type of money order you perfered most ok.
Regards.

Jesus rolls on DUBs

Happy Labor Day!!

Funny sign outside my neighbor, the church's parking lot over the weekend.

Same Bat Pay

I should have saved this for September 19th (Adam West's birthday).

Crikey!

Steve Irwin killed by Stingray

For those about to rock. . .

As far as I am concerned, you should be beaten for not being a fan.

Girl beaten for love of Angus

My nonsense never stops

Prius

Tee Shirt of the Week

When I find something I like, I overuse it until a solid hatred is formed. It is true for restaurants, relationships, clothing, etc. Meet my new love of the week:




Courtesy of Dave via Jake (stains not included)

Bronze Poop

Sure, when I wanted to bronze my poop I was labeled a serial killer. Tom Cruise does it with his imaginary baby and it's art. No justice.

Suri's carbonite poop

So wrong it's right

I would be the first one to call the cops if I saw some guy sucking this while walking his dog.

Frozen Barbie

Posts

I can't decide where to post these days. I am spreading the love around like it is 1967 and only losers wear condoms.

Make sure to check out The EveryMan Review in addition to all the other sites that you visit instead of working.

New Favorite Show - Weeds

Why would anyone leave Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes? I think Johnny Drama said it best, "Nobody appreciates their girlfriend til they get herpes from the next broad, know what I'm saying?"

My new post on TVScoop

I have this friend who has a friend who knows this guy

Quick note:

Check out BillyVandervalk.com

I can't believe one of my friend's went biking with the POTUS.

Butterscotch Pudding reaches all time high

In my imaginary world I own stock in things that I like. My mustache has been holding steady all summer but I really came up short with my Toad the Wet Sprocket futures. Who would have thought their glory days were behind them. Thankfully my stock in butterscotch pudding is at an all time high. Not only is the general public starting to recognize that butterscotch pudding is good for your eyes but the President or some other person in power has created National Butterscotch Pudding Day. Forget the 11th, September 19th is the most important day of the month.

Oh, and in case you were wondering what to do on the 19th after you finished your pudding, don't forget these other great events that fall on this magical day:

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

National Play Doh Day

Adam West's Birthday

Be all that I can be!

I noticed that there's a National Guard commercial that is being pushed heavily before most movies these days. The first time I saw it, I thought, hey that sounds interesting. I can make a difference. The second time I thought, hey I'm not working, why not. Obviously, I am being brinwashed by the man. As I sit here drinking Coke I can't stop thinking about it.

Ryan Seacrest needs to go

I don't care where he goes, but he needs to do everyone a favor and kill himself. I was driving down the 405 today when I caught a little bit of his morning radio routine. Yeah, I like to listen to pop music. Big deal. My gayness is not on trial here. The point is Ryan Seacrest had some teenager on the air and they were talking about BFFs and BFMs. I was so dumbfounded by the fact that Ryan Seacrest is allowed on the radio that I wrote down BFM so I could look it up when I got home. All I could find was:

B.F.M.I.

Brute Force and Massive Ignorance: The state pursued by a person who has lost all semblance of working through a problem with logic and ingenuity.

I don't think that suitcase will close. Well, if you can't arrange it so it will close properly, use B.F.M.I. (i.e., jam it until it works)!

Do you think that was what they were talking about?

Poop

Consider yourself warned. There are others like me.


Poop

It is time for me to become Catholic

I think the Pope is on to something.

One of the rules

Never trust anyone wearing pleated pants.

My first post

I just added my first real post to The EveryMan Review.

I felt like a virgin again, only this time it took more than 30 seconds.

Read up.

My moustache has a moustache

At the beginning of the summer I tried to grow a mustache but failed miserably. I looked like a 14 year old Puerto Rican. Not that there is anything wrong with Puerto Ricans. Maybe a better description would be to say, my crappy facial hair made me look like I just got kicked out of Menudo for going through puberty. With my dreams of entering a Burt Reynolds look alike contest behind me (Burt 1976 of course), I tried to do more important things with my time. There was uhhh and ehhhh. Okay, maybe I don't have more important things to do.

As the days have gone by facial hair depression has really put a strain on my relationships. Friends haven't wanted to hang out with me in months. Finally my friend Lana couldn't take it any longer, so she did some research on how to help me out. Once she realized implants would be too expensive she decided on the next best thing. She bought me son of Moustachio, the greatest facial toupee ever made.

The tag line on the 'stache: We bet you five bucks you've never seen a moustache with a moustache! This manly 'stache inherited tons of machismo from his father, and will pass it down - along with yet another moustache - to his own son someday.

This has given me an amazing idea for a business. Does anyone know where I can get waterproof fake fur?

You betta recognize!

The new collaborative site is up: The EveryMan Review

If you would like to contribute or have ideas for improvements, shoot me an email. I am also open to hate mail.


everymanreview@yahoo.com

JonBenet's killer caught

To paraphrase Opie and Anthony:

"I don't know what the big deal is about JonBenet Ramsey. You take away the fancy dresses and makeup and she wasn't that hot."

Up next: OJ catches the real killers!

I need Sirius

I had the opportunity to ride around in a car with Sirius radio recently. I know some people hate him, but I think Howard Stern is better than ever. Screw the critics, I think the show has improved since the constraints of terrestrial radio have been removed.

Great Artie Lange quote from Playboy:

Playboy: You use to do a lot of cocaine. What's your relationship with it today?
Artie: The same as my relationship with my dead father: I miss it oh so much.

The other girl in Brokedown Palace

Last night I rented Underworld: Evolution. I really wanted V for Vendetta but some 14 year old boy beat me to the last copy in Blockbuster. Since the target audience for both movies is the same I figured they would be interchangable. The story really is secondary for both of these movies anyway. I mean it really comes down to which piece of ass you want to stare at for two hours. Natalie Portman, Kate Beckinsale. Kate Beckinsale, Natalie Portman. Either way I would have been happy.

On another note did anyone know that Kate Beckinsale was the other girl in Brokedown Palace?

Too bogged down to blog

I have been neglecting my blog like a red headed stepchild for the last couple of days. It hasn't been for naught though. I am in the process of building another site that I am hoping to share with all two readers of this site very soon.

I don't want to spoil it, but let's just say the new site is going to be the greatest thing you have ever seen. Remember the briefcase in Pulp Fiction? This is going to be better. At the very least funnier.

HBO strikes gold

Watch Lucky Louie

Because I said so!

Thankless Job - part 2

Think about your average sanitation worker. What are his interests? Sports, women, cars? Now think about said trash man getting in the cab of a garbage truck to sit next to Boy George in capri pants. How loud is Boy George singing 'Do you really want to hurt me?'

My own damn fault: Night Listener Review

Robin Williams owes me $10.50. I just saw 'The Night Listener' and I want my money back. Like most things in my life that make no sense, I spend one day mocking the guy's lack of talent and drinking problem and the next shelling out cash to see him act in what could easily have passed for a Lifetime movie. Not that there is anything wrong with Lifetime . . . it's just the lack of Valerie Bertinelli really threw me off.




Quick synopsis:

Robin Williams plays a gay radio host who is having trouble with his relationship with Bobby Cannavale. A young listener befriends Williams. Listener turns out to be Toni Collette pretending to be Rory Culkin. End of story.

My version:

Popeye gets dumped when Will's boyfriend realizes he isn't into bears. Muriel finally realizes no one will marry let alone have children with her so she creates an adoptive son in her head. Popeye gets so coked up he believes anything. End of story.

Final point:

If you're at the ticket counter and trying to decide between Little Miss Sunshine and The Night Listener, I think you know what to do.

So hot!!

If you haven't seen it yet, I am very disappointed in you.

Duece, the sequel

I never thought I would go to more tennis matches than baseball games in one summer, but '06 seems to be the year. Tonight I went to the JPMorgan Chase Open at the Home Depot Center in Carson, California. I finally got to see women's tennis live and it was everything I hoped it would be. Maybe I mean that in a perverted way, maybe I don't.

Here are some tips, if you find your level of sophistication rising and you want to go to see the pros:

1. Only go to night games. Being in the sun for a day game is brutal, not just on the players but on the spectators as well. If you think you know more than me and insist on going to a day game, make sure you bring sunglasses and sun block. You can thank me later.
2. Only go to women’s matches. There are two reasons for this: One, women are pretty; men are not. Two, women actually rally when playing; with a men's match the points are too fast.
3. Make sure you get good seats. If you want to go, it is worth the extra few bucks to sit close enough to get hit with a stray ball (Peggy, thanks for front row seats).
4. Make sure you understand how the scoring works. I had this explained to me the last time I went and it makes all the difference. Hell, I just like saying 'DUECE.'
5. Try to see a doubles game, basically doubling a good thing.

The Open runs through the weekend so if you are around I think it is totally worth trying to get tickets to.

Some pics:

Dreams - the window to my soul

It has been awhile since I shared one of my nut bag dreams. Last night I dreamt that Hugh Hefner hired my next-door neighbor (the one who got a D.U.I. in my car) and Kevin Bacon to kill me. When they showed up to do the deed, they told me to act brain damaged and there would be no need to shoot me. I guess being brain damaged is the same thing as being dead in their eyes. I did as they said and off they went. Can I now consider myself an integral part of the six degrees of Kevin Bacon game?

Don't most people dream of being friends with Hugh Hefner? Just my luck to think he wants me dead.

Thanks, Terrorists - part 2

Scheduled departure time: 5:50 p.m. (EST)
Scheduled arrival time: 8:50 p.m. (PST)

Actual departure time: 10:53 p.m. (EST)
Actual arrival time: 1:58 a.m. (PST)

My Hero

I don't know how or why, but Samuel Jackson just called me to make sure I was going to go see Snakes on Plane, August 18th.

"Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker."

Just my luck

I am about to go to the airport to fly back to Los Angeles. I'm sure the lines wont be any longer than usual. Thanks, Terrorists.

Robin Williams finally makes me laugh

Robin Williams goes to rehab

Am I the only one who has never found Robin Williams funny?

I'm being overly critical. I will give credit where credit is due. Robin Williams made an amazing Popeye.

Back in Nam

Direct Quote from Rambo: First Blood

Trautman: Company leader to identify Baker Team - Rambo, Messner, Ortega, Coletta, Jurgensen, Barry, Krakauer confirm! This is Colonel Trautman.
Rambo: They're all gone Sir.
Trautman: Not Barry, he made it.
Rambo: Barry's gone too Sir. Got himself killed in Nam, didn't even know it. Cancer ate him down to the bone.
Trautman: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Rambo: I'm the last one Sir.

I think it is obvious that one of the writers put my name in as a joke. With a name like Barry you avoid the draft with a note from your mother.

Tour de France title to be stripped

You know this guy must have had some amazing excuses back in elementary school when he either forgot to do his homework or did a half assed job on it.





"My pet Mennonite dragon ate it."
"It was fine when I handed it in. The French kid must have tampered with it."
"Mel Gibson told me the Jews are to blame."

Landis tells Leno it might have been something he ate.

A new enemy emerges

I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! But how do I really feel?

Not since I was five and forced to swim at the community pool have I been stung so many times at once. Last count was 46. Fine, it was only twice, but it still hurt like a bitch. At least I can take pleasure in knowing that both bees died while stinging me.

Nip/Tuck

Watching Nip/Tuck makes me pretty. If you don't watch the show, you are as ugly on the inside as you are on the out.

I have been spreading the word: Nip/Tuck

Baby Cage

In NYC space comes at a premium. You have to make the most out of every square foot. I have these friends who were forced to subdivide their living room as to make room for their new baby. Even though the nursery looks nice and is more than enough room for a toddler, I can't stop thinking of it as a baby cage.

Today I was at the doctor's and I noticed a real baby cage. I think if my friends had known this existed, they would have forgone the construction team. It has everything you could want: Room to move, safety glass on the top, wheels for when you have company, and storage underneath.

I think someone needs to investigate why Mt. Sinai has this thing.

How awesome would a baby cage match be? Two enter the cage, only one comes out!! I think I will start writing the treatment tonight.

I piss excellence

I don't want to alarm anyone but I think Will Farrell implanted a mind control device in my brain. There is no other explanation for the fact that I saw 'Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby' five hours ago and now I have a two inch surgical wound above my ear. On top of that Ricky Bobby and baby Jesus are dancing in my head. I really would like to thank Mr. Bobby for letting the Rustler Steak House and Manimal the TV show sponsor his race car.

Just remember, "if you aren't first, you are last." Words to live by. My only problem with this movie is the fact that it ended. Oh, and there was no Burt Reynolds. Who makes a movie about NASCAR and doesn't include Burt?

Thankless Job

I have no idea what garbage men in NYC are paid, but I think it is a safe guess to say not enough. When I run for mayor of the city I am adding better pay for sanitation workers to my pigeon-killing platform.

No one should have to deal with this.

What is this?

Is that it?

I wouldn't say my hands are overly large yet for some reason people have described me as having French toast sticks for fingers. According to precise measurements (elementary school wooden ruler), my hand is six inches from the base of my palm to the tip of my pointer finger. (*See example a) You might ask why you need to know the size of my hand. Trust me, it is very important.

*Example a

Last night I went to a nice Spanish restaurant in Paramus, New Jersey. El Cid is the name for those who care. They serve the typical paella and fish in green sauce dishes that you would expect. I however, always like to order the prime rib when I am there. I am not sure if it is the taste or the size that gets me every time. (*See example b)

*Example b

My dinner shows everything that is wrong with America and apparently Spain. While I chewed each delicious bite, I thought to myself that it might not be a bad idea to drop prime rib this size with little parachutes over the Middle East as humanitarian relief during this difficult time. Each piece could feed a family. At first I thought about dropping the prime rib without parachutes, but I had this image of them killing people or crashing through roofs. America gets blamed for enough. That would really cause some bad PR.

In any event, I thoroughly enjoyed each and every bite of my prime rib, fresh potato chips, steamed vegetables, yellow rice, flan, coffee, and one medium coke. I highly recommend that if for some odd reason you find yourself stranded in Bergen County, New Jersey, you go to El Cid. If you have no conscience like me, order the prime rib. If you have a conscience, eat through your tears. (*See example c)

*Example c