R.I.P., Hal The Coyote

I am really pissed right now. Last week or the week before I wrote about a coyote, nicknamed Hal, that was giving chase around Central Park. The little guy was finally captured after a two day search that included a police copter. I don't think the police used this much manpower since Dr. Richard Kimble escaped. I thought the story would end happily ever after with Hal living in the Queens Zoo, but sadly, Hal never made it to Queens. He died as he was being tagged for release into the wild. I don't know much about tagging but I do know that being dead sucks. From what I read it seems that the stress of being captured may have lead to his untimely demise. Hal was just a year old. Why he needed to be tagged is beyond me. For that matter why he needed to be captured in the first place makes no sense. What was the worst that he would have done in the park? Stolen a poodle? Come on!! He could have been an urban legend. Pssssssssssst....."Have you heard about the coyote of Central Park? He only comes out at night. I heard he once ate a baby."

Rest in peace, Hal!

Hal, the Central Park Coyote, Dies

There can only be one

My*T*Fine pudding is the highlander of desserts. There can only be one. Jello has tried, but much like Mario Van Peebles it has failed to take the prize. You cannot imitate deliciousness like this. You will respect the pudding.

My*T*Fine's My Space Profile

***This blog does not endorse the consumption of Tiramisu flavored pudding.

Sick Day

I was going to write about how I was unable to make it into the office yesterday due to the fact that I caught some sort of weird third world cold from one of my coworkers, but then I felt it would be funnier just to write about my experience at the doctor's once the cold was actually caught.

After contracting a low level avian flu (best guess), I panicked and rushed to a local doctor. Whereas some people go to the doctor for any little pain in the hopes of getting Vicodin, I go to try and score Levaquin and/or Zithromax. You can never have too many antibiotics. This was my first visit to this doctor, so I had to go through the motions of being examined before he would hand over the good stuff.

Blood Pressure - 128/86. When I asked the nurse if that was high, she said no. Anything over 90 for the bottom number was considered high. Am I paranoid in thinking that four points isn’t far enough below?
Ears - Someone loves q-tips. Not sure if it was the actual size of my ears or their cleanliness, but the doctor was intrigued. Kept asking me how in hell I got them so clean.
Chest- And breathe....Apparently I am very congested. If I wasn't coughing yet I would be soon.
Throat Culture - Say Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. We have a winner. Cause of my sickness is a bacteria infection.

While the doctor was writing my prescriptions for an antibiotic and cough syrup, he felt it was a good time to open up about his affiliation with the porn industry. His office does a good amount of pre-op consultation work for a local porn star plastic surgeon. One must make sure they are in the proper health before they have huge saline fun bags inserted under the chest muscle. With all the pre-op stuff, the doc has gained quite a few new regular patients. Once you talk to your doctor about having your anus bleached I guess you can let down your guard and talk about anything. As I am walking out, my new favorite doctor tells me how he saw a girl yesterday who was in an all anal movie earlier in the week. It burns down there. He figures before the week is out, he will see the rest of the cast.

Got to love LA.

I hate to say it but...

Seth Green is a genius. I was born in '75 and I was a snot nosed little kid during most of the '80s. I say most of the '80s because I really think I came into my own in '87. Regardless of my delusions of grandeur, (I still haven't come into my own)due to my luck of when I actually came out of the womb, I was fortunate enough to have some of the greatest toys of all time. There were the Mego dolls, the original Star Wars figures, G.I.Joe A Real American Hero, Transformers, He-Man, Teddy Ruxpin, and My Little Pony. You think I am joking about that last one? These toys rocked. I can remember playing with my G.I.Joe collection for hours on end until I passed out on the royal blue shag carpeting in my bedroom.

This all leads me to the point of how Seth Green is a genius. There is this show on the Cartoon Network called 'Robot Chicken'. Long story short it is a stop animation show that primarily uses all the toys I listed above. The great thing about the show is that the toys are used in the most random situations. For example, there is an episode where Optimus Prime gets prostate cancer. There is also an episode where we see a day in the life of Cobra. Some people may be wondering what the hell I am talking about right now, but I don't care. If you are between the ages of 25 to 35, you will understand all too well.

I realize that just because a person creates a show using their favorite childhood toys and stop animation does not make them a genius. What makes Seth Green brilliant is the fact that he had the DVD launch party for show at the Playboy mansion. I think this pretty much speaks for itself. Can you name one guy out there who wouldn't want to play with a Mego Batman doll while he mingles with Miss August 2004? I didn’t think so!

Living the dream!!!!

I can spot trends

Not everyone likes what I write about. A short time ago I did a little piece on being a man's man. If you have no idea what I am talking about, let me jog your memory. I am talking about my piece on the mighty mustache. Now, I loved this little tirade I went on about how the Indians at work were rockin' the 'stache. Even though I poured my heart and soul into my writing, the response I got from most people was "Ehh." I never understood this. Not to toot my own horn but I thought it was some damn good journalism. Does this even count as journalism? Hell, I had some of the dialogue from Rocky translated into Hindi for Chirst's sake. Anyway, even if no one who read it understood my brilliance I can now happily say that I am at least on the same page with the fine folks at ABC news. Apparently there have been a few shows on the air about how the mustache is on the rise again. I suggest that everyone watch the show so they can learn a little something about being in style in 2006.

Here is the clip

One last thing when I was looking for the clip on the ABC website I found this interesting quote said by Saddam Hussein during his trial:

"May your mustache be cursed," Saddam shouted at Abdel-Rahman.

It's a great insult among Iraq's Arab majority to curse a man's mustache, considered to be a symbol of honor among adult males. Abdel-Rahman is a Kurd and sports no mustache.

Now there is a man who knows how to treat the 'stache with the respect it deserves.

One more final thing, just more proof I know what I am talking about. The Magnum P.I. movie is one step closer to being made. Viva la 'stache!!!

Get your short shorts ready.

Reading is making me dull!

As I mentioned earlier I have been spending some of my free time reading. Trying to improve my craft, blah, blah, blah. Well as it turns out the more I read the less time I spend writing. At first I thought this was just because I had hit a wall with my imagination, but now I am beginning to realize that without TV and the Internet filling my brain with nonsense my cynicism is waning. Damn book is making me lose my edge. All I want to do now is read. My DVR has filled up with all the latest ‘Must See’ garbage but yet the book is on top of the TV remote. This is turning into a real problem. I blame the government for my problem. If it wasn't for those damn subsidized lunches, I would have never shown up to school, which in turn would have prevented me from learning to read in the first place.

Curse my thirst for knowledge!

By the way I am on page 310. My protagonist is about to rob the bank he works at!!!

JRs

JRs - Job Robbers; i.e. the Indian Workforce. The best part thing about this new addition to my vocabulary is that I heard it from a Mexican girl who heard it from a Filipino guy. I guess everybody is feeling it.

We are the world. We are the children........

Addict

I have a problem. I can't stop clicking the button. You know that button at the upper right part of the screen that takes you to unchartered waters? It is like a slot machine. You never know what is going to come up next. Will it be a site telling me how to get a good rate on a mortgage, or will it be a site about a nineteen year old girl who has been crushed by unrequited love? Will it be peaches or will it be lunch meat?

I can go through fifty sites in a few minutes. Every once and a while I come across something that makes me stop and wonder. Like the site about the tree house and the cave. It is too much to explain right now. The worst is when I get sent to a site that doesn't have a next button. It is like running out of money at Foxwoods.

Here are a few sites that caught my fancy today:

deeperchalk
soyfiestero
ceridwendevi
lozzzza
lafoodporn - For the LA folks it might be worth a read.

New York, New York...it's a hell of a town

Two great stories on the Internet today dealing with light hearted events going on in the Big Apple. The first is my favorite. It seems that there has been a coyote running around Central Park. Now I know the park is large and it isn't unheard of for there to be a random animal here and there, but coyotes? According to the article there was one there once before in 1999. How did it get into the park? Did it take a cab? Did it walk down Central Park South? It is so odd to me. Could you imagine the coyote snatching a toy poodle from some Upper East Side old lady while she walks past the ice rink. How about the coyote biting some man's ass on the ramble trail. For those that don't know, the ramble trail is a notorious spot in the park where gay men like to meet for anonymous sex. I had the pleasure of seeing this firsthand when I decided to ride my bike down the trail. Could have given a whole new meaning to 'The Barry Rides'. The coyote was caught after a two day chase. Poor little guy. You can read about the coyote here.

The other interesting story I saw today was about how a survival room was found in the Brooklyn Bridge. Apparently it was set up during the height of the Cold War. The room was filled with high calorie crackers, medical supplies, and dried up water drums. The funny thing about the room is that it isn't air tight or below ground. Could you imagine being in the room during a nuclear war thinking you were safe only to realize after ten minutes that not only was the room letting in every toxin imaginable, but you were also stuck on a bridge. The greatest thing about the article is this line 'The mostly intact crackers, which were labeled with instructions indicating they should be destroyed after 10 years, were meant to be part of a 10,000-calorie a day diet." Now I eat like a fat bastard but I don't think I have ever in my life hit 10,000 calories in one day. Holy shit, that is a lot of crackers. You can read all about the Brooklyn Bridge Fallout Shelter here

Mom, where is the house?

Only I would find this in the news today:

Parkinson's drug link to gambling probed: newspaper Mon Mar 20, 8:28 AM ET



Medical researchers are investigating suspicions that drugs prescribed to treat Parkinson's disease could turn patients into compulsive gamblers, the Washington Post reported on Sunday.

Scientists at the Food and Drug Administration have found a strong association between pathological gambling and the drugs, which boost the level of dopamine in the brain, according to the newspaper.

Dopamine, a chemical naturally produced in the human body, plays a key role in the way the brain controls movements. A shortage of dopamine causes Parkinson's disease. But the chemical is also associated with addictive behaviors such as drug use and pleasurable experiences such as sex and food.

Researchers, according to the Washington Post, are looking into the possibility that drugs for treating Parkinson's are turning "some patients into obsessive pleasure seekers."

But the article also said no firm links have been made between dopamine enhancers and compulsive gambling.

Some patients have filed lawsuits against drug manufacturers, citing lost jobs and gambling problems.

Pharmaceutical firms such as Germany's Boehringer Ingelheim have toughened warning labels on drugs as the company investigates reports, according to the newspaper.

But Eli Lilly and Co., noting the lack of scientific consensus, raised the possibility that gambling problems in Parkinson's patients could be related to more legalized gambling, the newspaper reported.

RIF

Reading IS fundamental

I have never been much of a reader. I have always been of the mindset of why read when you can watch television. It is like a picture book that talks. Lately though, as I write more I am beginning to realize that in order to master the written word, it is most beneficial for me to read. This way I can get a sense of style, etc of all that is out there. It is a bit like cavemen examining their brethrens' drawings. How do you think pictures of the buffalo got so advanced so quickly?

For those that are interested I am currently reading 'Memoir from AntProof Case' by Mark Helprin. To sum it up in one sentence, It is about how one man's hatred of coffee shaped his life. Check it out.

My Job Sucks

I feel like a P.O.W. who is being water tortured. My wonderful company has added a new filter to the internet. First I could not get to The Superficial, now they have taken away my ability to edit posts on my blog. Sure, I can add new posts, and delete old ones, but if I want to make some grammatical changes, no dice.

FUCK THIS PLACE!!


Toyota Motor Sales, U.S.A. Inc.

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Mother Jokes are officially off limits

No more jokes about Sybil. Jokes about everyone else’s' mothers are still okay. Since two out of the three readers of this blog are friends, I am comfortable telling everyone that my mother has.................... Do you like my dramatic pause? It is like the key moment in a soap opera right before a commercial break. Anyway as I was trying to say before I used humor and sarcasm to mask my pain, my mother has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. There I said it. It has been a huge weight on me since she told me yesterday. Sybil has had this pain in her leg for the last few months that I was convinced she was making up. No one could figure out what it was. Finally a neurologist was able to pinpoint what was going on. It has been surreal. You just don't expect your parents to get ill. Sure you fight with them, wish death upon them, forge their signatures, etc, etc, but even with that you still think they will be around forever. I know this isn't a death sentence but it just makes her mortality so much more real. I am now going to actually feel bad as I yell at her. That just sucks. Hopefully she will get the best health care money can buy. That is an HMO right?

**In all seriousness I do REALLY care and this has been one of the worst weeks ever.

Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

I have spent a good portion of my life dreaming of owning some sort of ape, monkey or chimpanzee. Actually it is more of a fantasy of being friends with one. You know, we would go to the park, watch movies, throw feces. All normal stuff friends do. Occasionally my monkey would throw on a tux and serve drinks to high society folks who came over to my house. In any event I use to suspect these thoughts would get me an early admittance into a mental institution until a friend of mine let me know about Helping Hands - Monkey Helpers for the Disabled. To quote their website "Helping Hands: Monkey Helpers for the Disabled is a national nonprofit serving quadriplegic and other people with severe spinal cord injuries or mobility-impairments by providing highly trained monkeys to assist with daily activities."

This may be the most amazing thing I have ever seen. Thankfully and sadly, I do not have a spinal injury that would make me eligible for the companionship of a capuchin monkey. I am wondering if I tell them my back hurts if they would let me have one temporarily.

Public Service Announcement

It has been a tough week. First the lady from 'Cocoon' died, then I watched the cause and effect of having a laissez-faire attitude about the future unfold.

For some reason I know a lot of irresponsible people. Sadly over the last couple of days I have had to watch firsthand what happens when you age, lose your job, and have no retirement. I have also watched what happens when you have no health insurance and get sick. None of it is pretty. You never know what is going to happen, so consider this a word of advice before you buy a new toy, or live like it is your last day on earth. Make sure you have the following:
1. Health Insurance
2. Retirement plan

Once you have those two things, go ahead and live the ghetto fabulous life you always wanted. At least you can say you aren't a burden on society. Well I guess that really isn't true either, but you get the idea.

Ehh!!

I am not sure this post is going to do justice to the word, but 'ehh' really needs to be in everyone's vocabulary. It is the greatest response to some of life's toughest questions. For example:

Woman: I don't love you anymore.
Man: Ehh!!

Doctor: I am sorry you only have six months to live.
Patient: Ehh!!

Boss: You need to improve your work or you are out of here
Employee: Ehh!!

It is kind of like saying I really just don't care what you are saying.

This post is dedicated to the Ben

Thank you, Showtime!

Why wasn't this article on the cover of the New York Times? Arrested development

Happy Birthday, Chuck

As everyone who is anyone already knows, today is Chuck Norris's birthday. Sixty-six years ago, he round house kicked his way out of the womb. Let us celebrate as Chuck would. Kick someone for no reason, anyone!!!!

Last picture of Bruce Lee before Chuck Norris killed him

I have seen the future and it isn't pretty

For the majority of the population the male body is not a pretty thing. It is usually misshapen and covered in fur. For this reason, it is best to keep it covered up for the majority of one's life. There are exceptions, usually found in the form of a pretty boy male model. In these instances the body is uncovered in some homo-erotic ad usually done by Calvin Klein or Abercrombie and Fitch. I have no problem with this. I do however have a problem with nude men at the gym. Before you freak out please realize that this phenomenon is restricted to the locker room. I have a routine. I go in, change, throw my crap in a locker, and get out as quickly as possible. Even with my super speed changing, I am forced to see things no person should have to see. I call it the nude old man. It is bad enough I have to watch them change but they actually like to hang out (literally) in the locker room. I think the gym actually encouraged this behavior by adding couches and plasma TVs. You have not known horror until you have seen a 60 year old man sitting buck naked on a vinyl couch. I swear you can hear a suction sound coming from their nether region as they try to get up. I am very comfortable in my home but I don't sit on my couch naked. It is just wrong. You would think the site of man bush would keep me away but it is having the opposite effect on me. I actually work out more because I am so frightened of what my body is going to look like eventually. I just hope going there isn't going to make me feel comfortable relaxing with no pants on in the locker room. Last thing I need is Gym Stockholm Syndrome.

NOT OKAY!!!

Depressing Photo - Real Life

It seems that the picture of me in my cabin/cube depressed a few people. No one deserves to be depressed, other than my enemies, so it has been removed. Hopefully everyone will enjoy my new profile pic more.

Attention Deficit Disorder

"I have ADD" - The excuse one uses for surfing the web for 7 hours and 59 minutes while at the office.

"I have ADHD" - The excuse one gives for walking around the office for 6 hours and 32 minutes during work.

Taken too soon

Lincoln, MLK, JFK, RFK, Rabin, 'Arrested Development,' 'Starved'........why do they always kill off the greats? Earlier this year one of my favorite shows was canceled, 'Arrested Development.' I took it pretty hard. To me the show was genius. I am not sure if it was the dynamic of the dysfunctional family or just that it had great writing. It was the type of show that you had to watch a couple of times to get all the little jokes. Alas middle America didn't get it, so Fox flushed it down the toilet. I was just beginning to get over my loss and start looking for a new favorite show when once again Fox kicked me in the balls. This time though it wore the disguise of FX.

Over the weekend I was up late and just happened to catch the first episode of the FX comedy 'Starved.' I knew nothing about the show or when it aired but I was immediately sucked in. I really can't do the show justice in my description so I am just going to copy word for word what is on IMDB:
"Four thirty-something New Yorkers with various eating disorders lean on one another for support in this dark and poignant comedy that chronicles their romantic and personal lives. Sam is a neurotic commitment-phobic stock broker recovering from compulsive overeating; Adam is a bulimic NYPD cop; Sam, who works as a writer, is an overweight compulsive-eater; and Billie is an anorexic/bulimic and aspiring singer/songwriter."

Needless to say I loved the show. Of course like 'Arrested Development' it centers around dysfunctional people. Yes, there is a theme to the things I like. It was really funny in a twisted way. After watching all seven episodes, I went on IMDB to learn more about the show. It is there I discovered that Fox had yet again pulled the plug on something great. No doubt because middle America wasn't watching. It is sort of like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown. She does it over and over again, yet he keeps coming back. Sadly I keep going back to Fox. They show such promise but always leave me disapointed and wanting more.

Oscar the Grouch

I just got a call from a friend that lives in our nation's capital wondering if I was doing anything special for the Oscars due to the fact that I live in Los Angeles. I think there are some misconceptions about LA and its residents. Just because one lives in the general proximity of famous people doesn't mean that they want anything to do with them or vice versa. The restraining orders make sure of that. Perhaps he thought because this is an industry town that I would be at some party in the Hollywood Hills watching George Clooney thank his pig for teaching him how to gain weight for his role in 'Syriana,' or hear how Felicity Huffman studied trannies to learn how to be a woman playing a man becoming a woman. In any case, I am sure it was a normal question, but honestly I can't think of anything more boring than watching a bunch of self-centered assholes accept awards for three hours. I am sure it will all change when I win one. Do they have a category for best key grip?

Nuts

I have been very thankful that I have lived my whole life without anyone saying, "He fits the description." Not much of an accomplishment being a white male from suburbia. The only time I think I fit the description is if we are talking about some sort of physical ailment. I have a cough, must be pneumonia. My stomach hurts, must be an ulcer. Eyelash in an eye, glaucoma. Now to be frank, about a month ago my right ball started to hurt. I naturally assumed I fit the description for the 30 year old male who discovers he has testicular cancer. I fit the age group. I am a man. Whenever I get something like this in my head the only thing that is going to make it better is me asking every person I meet what they think, that and actually going to the doctor. After exhausting my friend resources, I knew it was time for the experts to get involved.

Well, today I had my first appointment with a Urologist. As expected I left being reassured I was cancer free. Everything has a price though. I think the doctor saw that I was a hypochondriac and that I could be easily messed with. First I was told to drop my pants and sit on the exam table. As I am doing so, the doctor leaves the room but doesn't bother closing the door. There I am sitting on a cold slab of metal with my junk hanging out while nurses walk by holding urine samples from 80 year old men. I always pictured having my junk out with a few nurses, but don't be jealous, I can assure you the dream is better than the reality. Poor turtle.

When the doctor came back in the room he had me lay on the table so he could listen to my lungs. Now correct me if I am wrong, but if your balls hurt wouldn't you check there first? Anyway after a thorough breathing test, the doctor finally had me stand up so he could check for hernias, cancer, cysts, etc. Once again, all good. I thought I was free to go home and conjure up some new disease when the doc said "Oh just to be safe, would you please turn around and put your elbows on the table. "MOON RIVER", is the last thing I remember screaming before the doc said "You are fine, clean yourself off and meet me in my office."

A few tissues and some hand soap later I was lectured by the doctor on how I should be careful mountain biking because you never know how that can strain your boys. "Take two advil and get the hell out of my office."

I really need to stop worrying so much.

If anyone needs a good urologist give me a call.

So close yet so far

I had four numbers in the Mega Millions last night. My share of the 256 million came out to $166. Needless to say, I am typing this from my desk.