Should've bought a flare gun

So I got a new job writing reviews on various products that are sent to me by the manufacturers.  Well that is what I assume I'm doing since I just opened a box of ladies underwear addressed to my neighbor.  For my first review I've decided to talk watches while I stuff said underwear in my mouth.

There are many signs a person is a d bag.  Snow cap in Los Angeles anytime of year, d bag.  Toms shoes, d bag.  V Neck shirt, d bag.  Tribal tattoo, d bag who thinks it's 1994.  I could go on and on, but for now let's focus on the quintessential d bag accessory, the watch.  The bigger, more expensive, the better.  How will I know you are rich unless you have a flavor flav size gold plated clock on your wrist.

Knowing this, I give you my review of the new Breitling Emergency II watch.  Breitling makes a watch for a very special type of idiot.  It has a knob that when unscrewed sends out a distress call for 24 hours.  Who is getting the distress call is beyond me, but is that even important?  The watch costs $19,000. In terms you might better understand,  that is at least ten Macbook Airs or a railroad car of starving kids not to feed.

My guess is the only place the owner might send out the distress call is in a bar when they run out of Parliaments.  Obviously this review is written out of pure jealousy.  One day I wish to be rich enough to own this watch.  I will purposely not keep a second roll of toilet paper in my bathroom just to see how long it takes the Coast Guard to respond.  Hopefully they carry two ply in the chopper.

If you are stupid enough to buy this watch, I pray to God your friends set off the distress call as a joke.  The fine is $50,000.