Family Nightmare

I am sure some of you have been wondering why I have been M.I.A. lately. I am down in Florida for a family emergency. My father (only 61) had a stroke and a heart attack while showering on Friday. No one found him until Saturday. He is in a trauma ward at the hospital and it is touch and go to see how he recovers. It is a difficult time for me because he was young and if he had just taken better care of himself he would have been fine. I am praying that he gets better and has a nice long enjoyable life.

Let me just say thanks to everyone who has called with their support.

Barry

Mutant Power: Dork

I am not afraid to admit that I just got back from seeing X-Men 3. That’s right I went to the 12:20 AM showing. It was me and a bunch of other comic book losers who couldn’t wait another day to see the movie. Seeing a movie in the middle of the night is an experience. I sat next to a couple of people wearing their pajamas. I am all for being comfortable in your surroundings but come on. Granted they were five year olds. Now I am very tired and just about ready to go to sleep to hopefully dream about a better tomorrow where mutants and humans can coexist in harmony, but before I do, I figured it would be best to tell you the parts of the movie that I felt were definitely worth my $11.50 not including money spent on peanut M&Ms:

1. Scene where Beast flips his Viper on the PCH. The special effects were amazing. I am not sure how they simulated the drugs in Fraiser, I mean Beast’s system.
2. Close up of Storm having sex with that mutant Billy Bob Thorton. They never did explain what Billy Bob’s power was. I have a feeling it had something to do with the ability to get women out of his league.
3. Really sad scene where Jean Grey reveals that she is a man. (Nip/Tuck reference. I hate to spell it out for you but I didn’t know who would get it.)
4. Musical number where Wolverine belts out show tunes. Not sure how this fit into the plot.
5. Love the scene where Professor Charles Xavier helps Captain Kirk save the universe.
6. Great dialogue in the scene where Rogue explains the horror of seeing Harvey Keitel’s penis.
7. Kudos to Brett Ratner for giving Bullet Tooth Tony the opportunity to expand his acting chops as Juggernaut. I know it is early but I smell Oscar.
8. Cruel, cruel world when will you learn you should not persecute Magneto? He is Jewish and he is gay. The man has suffered enough.
9. And finally, I was sad to see they were able to cure Mystique by replacing John Stamos with Jerry O’Connell. Is that really a cure?

Now please forgive me if I missed a key plot item or if my grammer is terrible. It is 3:17 in the morning and I am looking at the big picture anyway.

Could I be that charming?

Just when I thought I had nothing left I find out that I am still on top of my game. You know that phone interview I mentioned the other day? The one where I could barely get out my name let alone what my experience was? Well it turns out they like my style. I just got a call for a second interview. Now I am either a complete superstar in the world of IT or the women who interviewed me could tell I was swinging a bat through the tone of my voice. Yeah I am talking about my penis.

A couple of TVscoop reviews

Self explanatory:

Veronica Mars
Stacked

It only took three weeks to make me unemployable

As I have mentioned before I like to interview so that I know I am still wanted, at least by a few people…poor, poor self-esteem. A recruiter called me yesterday to see if I would be interested in doing a phone interview with some local financial company. I had no interest in the job, but when it comes to making myself feel important, I can never waste enough time. The recruiter gave me the typical nonsense about answering questions positively, blah, blah, blah. One key thing the recruiter mentioned was that I should research the company because the interviewer would definitely ask what I knew about the company and why I wanted to work for them. I listened to the recruiter but all I could think was, she must think I am a dumb ass.

Anyway, the interview was this morning. Can you guess the first question?
"So what can you tell me about our company?"
I am not sure what went through my head but I drew a complete blank.
"I am sorry but your website was down when I tried to do research last night."

Do you think I will have a second interview?

It only took me three weeks to go completely brain dead.

Kris Kristofferson, M.D.

At about 6 A.M. this morning the phone started to ring. In my deep slumber, my dream world melded with reality. I could have sworn I was talking to Kris Kristofferson, M.D. as his cell phone started to ring. It is bad enough I am dreaming about the man who made Millennium but to make him my doctor as well is just plain wrong.

The most powerful American in all of Great Britain

Okay, not really. I am happy to say that there are a few people in Great Britain that appreciate my sarcasm. Please find attached my first official post on TVscoop.tv

Daily Show Review: Willie Nelson

Unemployment Conspiracy

Has anyone noticed that when you don't work the day is about eight hours shorter? Without a job I am lucky to get one thing completed a day. It really makes no sense. Everyday someone asks some variation of the following, "What did you do today?” My answer is usually limited to one menial task. Here are some of the things I have accomplished during a typical day. Keep in mind, only one item is allowed per day so I have to map out the week accordingly:

1. Write on my blog

2. Fill my car with gasoline. I don't recommend this one if you are not working. ($46 to fill a Mini Cooper)

3. Go to the gym for thirty minutes.

4. Peer through the blinds at the neighbors.

5. Look on Craig's List for writing jobs. I still have not found an ad looking for a writer with no experience.

6. Read a few chapters of whatever book I am currently enthralled with.

7. Annoy people on IM.

8. Talk to a parent about how I have not found a new job that suits my liking.

9. Walk the dog. This one is a toughie. He needs to go out everyday. I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t multitask. He responded by shitting on the floor last night.

10. Complain. So this one might have some overlap.

As for my unemployment conspiracy, I am convinced that there is sleeping powder in the unemployment check envelope. There can be no other explanation for why I cannot get anything done during the day. Thoughts?

Neighborhood Watch

People who don't work make the best crime fighters. Well maybe not the best crime fighters, but they certainly make great nosy neighbors. I am sort of like Gladys Kravitz from 'BeWitched.' I peer through the blinds as real life goes on outside. For example, today I learned that my neighbor across the street is sick of his girlfriend. He threw her out the front door in what I would have to assume were her pajamas. As she cried in the street, a high heel sailed out the window into traffic. Pure class I tell you. I have also learned that my neighbor upstairs has wooden legs. There is no other explanation for how he could make so much noise just walking around.

"Abner, Abner, come quick, the neighbors are staring back at me through the blinds."

Love Her

Blah, blah, blah. Who cares what I am saying. Check out the new articles and pictures on Niki Guddex's web site.

Roll Playing

It seems six interviews for a job you have no interest in aren't enough these days. Last week, a prospective employer had me pretend to be a business analyst on a sales call while they pretended to be a client in need. If you are actually still reading this after that last sentence maybe you are what they are looking for. As of right now I consider myself a fugitive from cube prison. I am on the run. The real question is whether or not I am going to make it to a place that doesn't extradite.

God Speed

Can't Stop

Due to the occasional interview that has popped up every other day, I have been forced to shave. Luckily for me, there is a company that realizes sometimes real life gets in the way of a good mustache.



Would it be wrong to use them out of order?

Family Bonding

It usually takes a tragedy to bring family together. Thankfully for my brother and me the only tragedy this weekend was that I didn't finish my pork ribs in a timely manner. As you may know, now that I am on the dole I have been trying to experience something new daily. It gets kind of hard when you have no money or imagination. Leave it to my brother to fill in some of the blanks. Out of a random act of generosity/feeling sorry for me, he decided to take me to Austin for the weekend to experience what he read to be the best bbq in the world. Since I rarely will turn down a free trip or a plate of brisket, I agreed. Other than terrible snoring on both our parts and constant complaints of stomach aches, it was nice to spend the weekend together. Austin is a great city that I highly recommend for people to check out.

Highlights:
1. The Salt Lick - The best bbq I have ever had. It is in the middle of nowhere and it seats 2000 people. Normally a place this large has to be crap but I have to give it to them Texans, they sure know how to use a cooking pit.
2. People in the south are polite. Sir and Ma'am used in a sentence without fuck you. Who would have thought it?
3. Everywhere you go there are beautiful women. I think my face may be permanently stuck in hot girl grimace mode.
4. The first Whole Foods supermarket is no different than any other one. My brother forced me to go. His exact line was "My money, my rules."
5. Bicycle Sport Shop is the nicest bicycle store I have ever been in. They had a full coffee bar/restaurant inside.
6. Ruta Maya Coffee is amazing. I bought a bag of it at some local grocer. It was a moment of marketing gone right. I was sold on the burlap sack it came in. I assure you the contents lived up to the nice packaging.

I am sure I am missing other facts about the trip but for now this is as good as it gets.

Quick Update

Being unemployed sure is making me busy. So busy in fact that I missed a few days of posts. Anyway, I am about to go out of town for the weekend without the 'puter so there will be no posts for at least two more days. I am sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Upon my triumphant return, I am hoping to add a few posts with regards to the following:

BBQ in the Lone Star state
Role Playing for a Job
Being Knighted as the greatest blogger in the U.K.

Why yes, I would love to work at your company!

Having no job or money can make the old self esteem falter. During those hard times, there is nothing like a job interview for a quick pick me up. It seems that I really shine when a person questioning me has nothing to go on but the words coming out of my mouth and a resume that I copied out of a book. Can you guess the lies?

1. I am a hard worker.
2. I like being part of a team.
3. In five years I see myself running a shop like this.
4. I have no problem working more than 40 hours a week.
5. I would never use the Internet for personal use.
6. I take criticism well.
7. I just want to be in a place where I can add value.

If you guessed that all of the above were lies, I don't want a job at your company anyway.

Emergency 911 Poop

With each day of unemployment, I try to do something new. Usually, I try to plan out my adventure. Go to an art gallery, grow a mustache, nap in a bedding store, etc. Today's activity however came as a total surprise. I wasn't sure about sharing this story, but since I am into self deprecation I figure nothing is off limits. Today's unemployment escapade involved me pooping in the woods. Yes, you heard me correctly. I dropped my pants and went boom boom on some very unfortunate plants. I swear on my life it could not be avoided. You see, one of my unemployment goals is to get in better shape. In order to get in better shape I am forced to exercise. Today's exercise consisted of biking with a friend in the Santa Monica Mountains. Without going into too much detail, lets just say, I got an overwhelming surge that produced two choices. I could either lie down on the trail in the fetal position and hope that the pain would go away, or drop my pants and poop. I chose the latter. Right there on the side of the trail, I dropped my pants and took care of business. Before you even ask, I did not use leaves for clean up. Does anyone know where I can get a good deal on new gloves? When I caught up to my friend and he asked why I took so long, I simply told him I pooped in the woods. From that point on I road home alone.

Mustache Love - Rhode Island Style

I know writing about mustaches is getting a bit played. Especially since I have nothing to show for not shaving for a week. However, if I didn't post the following video, I would be doing a disservice to 'staches everywhere. This is pure genius!!!

My Skin - Now with more Cancer

During today's unemployment adventure I was out in the sun. No longer will a ceiling ruin my day. Either my arms are really embarrassed, or the sun is my new enemy.

**Please see stupidity below:

Fine Art - Part 2

How come no one asked if I purchased anything at the Art Gallery the other day?

Is there a better way to spend an unemployment check, than to buy a piece of art? Over the last couple of years I have developed an appreciation for Luke Chueh's work. He is a local artist in Los Angeles that has a serious flare for twisted crap. I have never bought an actual piece of art before. It was a very grown up moment. Who am I kidding, the gallery had a show based on arcade games. There was nothing grown up about it.

Please welcome 'I Asked For Scrambled' to my living room wall.

Fine Art

Today I decided to enrich myself. Nothing like spending the afternoon at an art gallery. "Why yes, I too find modern impressionism to be fascinating." It just so happens that this in particular art gallery is having a show of video game themed pieces. Low and behold, what did I find? Great mustaches through arcade history. I don't think you can see the names, but there is Mario, Luigi, and that guy from 'Mike Tyson's Punch Out.' If Van Gogh is selling for $95 million, I can only imagine what these classics will go for.

Mother knows best

Today my mom asked me if I had found a new job yet. According to her, two days should have been enough time to find something interesting to do. Sadly, I told her I was no closer to figuring out what I wanted to do. I did have lots of comments about what I didn't want do. Namely, put on an outfit deemed 'business casual.' Anyway, Sybil did have one piece of advice that is so insane it just might work. She thought it would be a good idea for me to place an ad (didn't specify where) stating my desire to find a job that was 'interesting.' You have to wonder if that was my entire ad, what kind of responses I would get. How many people would offer me latex costumes to wear while screaming at me in German?

Here is my first crack at my job wanted ad:

Thirty-year-old aimless male seeks interesting job. Flexible hours are a must. Preferably 11AM to 2PM. Every other Friday off. Starting salary over $100K is fine. Full benefits are required. Prefer office with a window. If you know anyone looking for such a person, I am your guy. Call or email me, just not too early, I like to sleep in.

Multitasking

Normally there is only so much my brain can handle at any given time. Right now I have it down to eating, breathing, and growing a mustache. According to the laws of nature, no mortal should be able to accomplish more than these three things at any given time. Maybe I am more than an average man because, today, I was able to do more. I was walking this morning, eating breakfast, breathing, and growing a mustache, yet I was still able to pull off the hot girl grimace as some local young mother walked by. I really think I am growing as a person.

First day of retirement

Today is the first day of the rest of the week. I know, I could say it is the first day of the rest of my life, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. Except for the part about not having any money, I could get used to not working. So far today I have exercised my limbs, purchased two books, and had a nice relaxing lunch. I see a two hour nap in the near future.

For those who are interested, I bought the following books:
'Indecision' by Benjamin Kunkel
'The Lovely Bones' by Alice Sebold