Barry Returns

After a long month in Florida, I have finally returned to the left coast. As most of you know, my father died just under two weeks ago. With his passing I haven't felt like doing anything except marathon napping. I am hoping that writing will lift my spirits and get me back into some sort of normal routine. Since it has been so long since the last time my meat hooks slammed the keys of the Mac, I figure writing a review of 'Superman Returns' would be a good jumping off point to see if I have any wit left. Before I do, I figure I might as well mention two funny things that happened right before I left the Sunshine State.

Without fail, my aunt receives fifteen to twenty calls a day. With my father being sick, there was a great deal of repetition to her actual conversations. The calls would start with the usual "Hi how are you?" and lead into a great deal of sorrow as my aunt would sob with regards to her brother, my father. There is nothing unusual there. Sometimes, though, people just don't know how to respond. Case in point on this particular day, the response my aunt received to "My brother had a stroke and they don't think he will make it," was . . . "You think that is bad, my wife was terribly impacted last week. She had to go to the hospital for a suppository. She is fine now, though." There is actually a person out there who compared his wife's inability to take a shit to my father crossing the River Styx.

On another note, after my father passed, I was sitting in the mortuary when the funeral director asked me if there were any charities that I would like people to donate to in my father's honor. I told him anything with stroke awareness would be good. Without missing a beat, the director did a Google search on stroke awareness. Can you tell where I am going with this? The second site that came up consisted of a buck-naked woman with her legs spread. Get it? She was all about my stroke awareness. Seriously, though, it is amazing how a bit of laughter can help during a tough time. Who am I kidding? It was the porn that helped.

Now onto my review of 'Superman Returns.' I saw it late last night with a couple of friends who insisted on seeing it no matter what time the showing was. Within the first ten minutes one of my friends was sound asleep. Hopefully the dream version of Superman was more enjoyable than the actual movie. Before you read any further please take a few things into mind: 1. I have no problem ruining the movie for people, and 2. I am a comic book dork, which means my review might be based on minutiae that only a thirteen year old, acne covered virgin would understand.

Let's just bust out with the most idiotic concept in the movie, Superman has a kid with Lois Lane. Has anyone seen 'Mallrats?' If you had, you would know that Superman can't have sex with a mortal to completion. His super sperm would rip Lois Lane's uterus in half. What did Jason Lee say about a Kryptonite condom? The whole concept baffles me. Now, unless we forget this movie, like we were told to forget 'Superman IV: Quest for Peace,' how would they make a sequel without mentioning the super brat again? Shame on you, Bryan Singer!! The next flaw I have with this movie is the fact that so much of the first movie's dialogue and plot are repeated. Some of the greatest lines are reused. "Ottisville?" How many times is Lex Luthor going to try sink the US and build his own country? As for the lines, just go see it and you will know what I am talking about. The movie isn't all bad, though. The effects are great and Parker Posey makes a great Miss Teschmacher for the 21 century. You know what? It doesn't matter what I say about it anyway. Everyone is going to see it. Much like the train wreck that was the last 'Star Wars' movie, it makes no difference what you are told; you have to see it with your own eyes, to believe a man can fly.

R.I.P. William R. Fein 5/23/45 - 6/21/06