Bye, bye, Judaism. Hello, Scientology

If this were Nazi Germany, I would sell out my friends for the stalest piece of bread I could get my greedy hands on. It might not be right away, but come lunchtime you are done. I would give up the secret door to your attic hideaway before you could say mondle bread.

Now that you know a little bit about my character, I will tell you about my vast experience with Scientology and why it is the superior religion. I don't care how long Judaism, Chistianity, or any other religion has been around; there is a key factor with regards to Scientology that makes it superior. They have a restaurant located on the grounds. I can't get pancakes at Temple! If you make a reservation and mention the website you get a $5 discount. Buffet, $5 discount, weird cultish religion, I am in!

The Scientology Celebrity Centre International is located in Hollywood California. It is a really cool old hotel that I guess Scientology bought some years back. I don't know too much about the history, but I am sure you can find it on their website. My experiences dealt mostly with how much roast beef I could eat and how negative a person I was. As soon as I got to the Centre I hit the buffet. I have to say for $20 you really can't go wrong. There are all the standard breakfast items, various roasts, potatoes, desserts, Kool-aid, etc. They were a bit weak on the desserts and the quality of the mashed potatoes, but when you are dealing with a buffet some things are expected to get lost with mass production. I recommend the brunch if for nothing else you get a sweet creepy 'Shining' vibe from the building. No blood coming out of the walls but there could have been L.Ron's ghost behind the bar.

After I greedily had seconds of every dish that was offered, I proceeded to walk around the grounds. Within two, maybe three seconds, a person came over and asked me if I wanted an official tour. Why not? I had nothing better do to after eating two waffles and some pound cake. All of a sudden, I am in some office with a Thetan (Scientology term for a person). Now, maybe I am naive but I thought that I was going to get a tour of the actual building not of Scientology. I spent the next hour learning how the mind works, and how reading emotions and reacting better will change my life. There was that and something about an audit, not sure if that dealt with the IRS though. I was ushered room to room where there were plasma televisions waiting to play the next segment of my introduction. I wonder why it couldn't have all been in one room. At the very least they could have saved money on electronics. This is Hollywood though. In one room I was introduced to the Tone Scale, a scale that shows the emotional tones of a person. My friend promptly told me that I was averaging a .003 on the scale, which in normal words said I was useless. I am not joking, it really said useless for one of the tones. It could have been worse, 0.00 is dead. My next room contained the magical E-meter. The E-meter is used to measure distress in one's life. The funniest thing about the meter was when I used it in a demo, it kept registering that I was distress free. If you know me at all, you know all I am is distressed. Only when I burst into laughter did the meter read that I was distressed. I may have to do some new research about the correlation between laughter and happiness. I guess laughter isn't the best medicine after all. Good thing too, since no drugs are allowed.

When I finished my last video and really felt I learned enough to be dangerous I decided to hit the road. My guide wanted me to meet with someone else but I managed to squirm out before she got there. I also avoided taking a career test. I fell for that trick in high school and I don't care what anyone says, I was not put on this earth to bake cookies. Right before I left I overheard another tour where the guide informed the prospectives that there is great networking for jobs in the entertainment industry for fellow Scientologists. I thought we Jews controlled Entertainment. If I became a Scientologist would I have double the networking power?

On one good note I did get to meet Tom Cruise while I was there:



Leah Remini serenading the guests in the restuarant.



Outdoor shot of the grounds:



*This blog does not condone discrimination. All religions/tax shelters will be made fun of equally.