Defenders, Steaks, Cigars, and Sopranos. Oh, and my dad too!

It is an unfair world. All my father had to do was live eleven more months and he would have seen the final episode of the Sopranos (coming June 3rd). On a happy note, this weekend I decided for sure I must own a Land Rover Defender. It only took me ten years to make a decision. I test drove one yesterday with my brother in tow. Immediately after, something compelled us to eat steaks and smoke cigars. I actually never lit up, I let my brother have the cancer for both of us. What am I saying? I did eat the steak; I am sure I got cancer, too.


*Photo of my brother from yesterday

Food for thought

I was watching Family Guy the other day and Cleveland brought up an interesting question. Who would you rather bang, Queen Latifah or Halle Berry, but Halle Berry has been dead for six hours. I am going with Halle Berry but that is besides the point. It got me thinking. Would I rather be a ninja or a jedi. Sure if I am jedi I have mind control powers, but if I am a ninja I am no weak minded fool so what does it matter. Either way I get a cool costume so it is a tie there. I guess I would have to go with jedi just for the light saber. I don't know. I still need to think about this. I will have to put together a pros and cons list. It was much easier thinking about a dead Halle Berry.

Throwing Stars and Other Memories

I sort of, I don't know how to say it, have outgrown 'My Name Is Earl.' The show is mildly entertaining and all, but I am sick of the whole karma theme. On a redeeming note, Earl did get to talking about paper throwing stars tonight which had me reminiscing about simpler times. Times when hitting a girl in the face with a piece of paper folded up like an ancient piece of razor sharp steel were okay. Times when throwing said star might actually be considered a way to show affection. Never aim for the eyes though. There is a fine line between love and hate. My stars never flew right. I always had to weigh them down with a penny at the center. Sorry, girls.

This picture pretty much sums up my dating skills:

Huge Predicament

If you have two pairs of socks that are exactly the same and one sock tears, do you throw out just the one and keep the spare or do you throw out the entire pair?


*Actual socks may differ from those shown in sample photo

30 Rock Season Finale

What are the odds I could get Tina Fey and Alec Balwin to come over my place during their off time and act out some of my favorite 30 Rock scenes? Maybe I could at least get Alec Baldwin to call me a pig. Wait that is a totally different fantasy. The fantasy also involved Kim Basinger, me being 16, three sock puppets, and the Hamptoons, but I will save that for another time. I need a summer plan ASAP.

I am only visiting LA

Tonight I had dinner at the Beverly Hills Hotel. It was like I was on vacation. A vacation with no room to go back to and my car parked on the street to avoid valet fees, but a vacation none-the-less.

I kicked Buddy Revell's ass

For my brother's 34th year on the planet I got him a custom Louisville Slugger baseball bat with his actual signature carved into it. You might ask why I am bothering telling you this? Dreams, my friend, dreams.

Dream Log 4/24/07:

I am walking through the frozen food section of my local supermarket when out of nowhere Buddy Revell starts a fight with me. If this was Odgen High School I would have shit a brick, but since I was in dream land I had everything covered. I pulled out two custom Louisville slugger baseball bats, one with my signature carved into it and one with my brother's and I proceeded to beat the shit out of Buddy while screaming, "The Fein brothers are gonna kick your ass." I guess I should have said "The Fein brothers are kicking your ass." No matter, I woke up as the police were arresting me.

I am certainly not the puss that always bled.



You and me, we're gonna have a fight. Today. After school. Three o'clock. In the parking lot. You try and run, I'm gonna track you down. You go to a teacher, it's only gonna get worse. You sneak home, I'm gonna be under your bed.

Seventeen Years of Kuato Jokes

It just never gets old.

Brain is broken

I always enjoy posting my dreams if I can remember them. I am going to be pissed if they are used against me in a court of law.


So at the end of the week, my aunt is having an unveiling for my father at the cemetery. Sadly, it is not an ancient ritual where we dress up in black robes and bring him back to life. I am picturing something along the lines of Pet Cemetery. It is actually a tradition in Judaism where about six months after someone is buried we unveil their tombstone. "Surprise, six months and you are still dead, I think that is a stone anniversery." Due to the enormous amount of depression and the inevitable fighting that would go on between family members I decided to take a pass on going. I figure it's not like he is going anywhere. I can visit another time on my terms. Well that brings us to my dream and what my inner psychce is really thinking.

The dream starts as if my father just died and we have shipped his body to New Jersey for burial. For whatever reason the body was being stored at my mother's house before the actual internment. The worst part is in the dream his body was disassembled for the trip. His coffin was in the basement and his body was upstairs. While this is going on there are about ten welsh terriers running around the house. Every once in awhile one gets stuck behind a wall and lets out a big cry so I have to go break him free. Back to the body, somehow I am in charge of washing him and putting the pieces back together. It is like he is a giant mannequin that needs to be reassembled and dressed for display. I never got past washing the hands. I was too freaked out. Luckily Red Foreman from That 70's show lived with us and said he would take care of it. While he was doing that I was having an early morning beer with Niki Gudex where we discussed the sadness of it all and her race schedule for that summer. Last thing I remember I am getting dressed to go and I am missing the top button of my dress shirt.

Seriously I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

LA does caricature of LA

Only in Los Angeles could I walk into a Farmer's Market and have Ed Begley Jr try and sell me home cleaning products. I got a burrito instead.

I still love you Jack Donaghy

Alec Baldwin scolds his daughter

So he yelled at his kid, big deal. You ever had your feelings hurt by a girl in junior high? I am still trying to block out memories of 7th grade. Speaking of time machines, how awesome would it be to go back in time and kick some 12 year old ass. Dream a little dream.

Next best thing to a time machine

I ask for so little in this life. Clothes on my back, food on my plate, butter in my ass. I would trade it all for a black Trans Am in the driveway. Hell, I would run Coors from Texarkana to Georgia with Sally Field any day of the week. And I am not talking Sally Field in the '70s, I am talking Sally Field now! She can pack her Fosamax.

Bandit Trans Am is back

Bandit Run

Ode to Lipitor

I wanted to write a sweet poem about how Lipitor is a wonder drug and my cholesterol is now 155, but I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with 'arteries clogged.'

Looks like I am going to live to annoy another day.


Great!

Bentley, The Camry of Beverly Hills

I drove around Los Angeles yesterday and in the course of 3 hours I counted no fewer than fifteen Bentley Continentals. The Continental is the everyman's $185K car. The car has become ubiquitous within Beverly Hills. This is kind of a crap post. I just wanted to use the word 'ubiquitous' in a sentence.

I love him

I usually don't like to steal content directly from gossip sites, but in this case I will make an exception.

The Landlord

You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last.

When someone who has written dialogue for Arnold Schwarzenegger thinks you would make a good commando you don't argue, you put on face makeup and shoot a Russian Ballistic knife into the first Val Verde native you see. Sadly, that wasn't the type of commando he had in mind. Either way I am taking the advice. Oh, and I am still putting on the face paint.

Urban Commando

Can't get a thing done

My plans for world comedy domination have gotten off to a rocky start. I have been using all my creative juices to constantly email Eliot Stein*. There is no limit to how far the insanity will go. I am thinking it is either going to end with us being "taken out" by the newly formed Iraqi government or one of us is going to have to cut the other's head off. I am really hoping for pudding.


*Yes I know Eliot Stein is being played by the computer from War Games.

So tired right now!

No Reason to ever go back East

Please see Exhibit A for Dunkin Donuts' current market presence.

Exhibit A:


Please see Exhibit B for Dunkin Donuts' future market presence.

* Exhibit B:


* Based on pure speculation

Quaid!!!!!!!!!

I was approached today by the very powerful and very fat Eliot Stein to join forces in what could be the most powerful comedy website known to man. The comedy will have the power of a thousand suns. I don't know exactly how we will start, but I do have a feeling I will somehow be absorbed by Eliot's gut. When one of his jokes goes awry I will emerge and tell it the right way or at the very least talk about life on Mars.

Wish me luck!!!!

Hand Jobs and Fribbles

Did anyone catch Entourage tonight? The writing is brilliant. Anyone who can make a reference to Friendly's and handjobs in one sentence is my hero.

Bowling Ball Head, oh yeah, and Mozza is banned

I don't know where to begin. Either I have the world's largest head or the world's weakest neck. Either way I am screwed. Let me back up a bit. I went for a bike ride today to burn off my insane dinner at Mozza last night. Somehow I got suckered into going there two Saturdays in a row. The pizza is tasty but it's the butterscotch budino that kills me everytime. I just can't say no to its buterscotchety goodness. Now back to my head. My friggin neck is killing me. I have been told I will get used to riding my bike and to just suck it up, but what if I can't? What if my head is just too big for my neck and the muscles can't do anymore than they already are? This post may confuse a couple of people so I am enclosing a picture to show you exactly what my problem is.

Liz Lemon is the perfect woman

If there wasn't reason enough to love 30 Rock, on tonight's episode Tina Fey told a story about how she pooped her pants in college while eating at an Old Time Buffet yet didn't leave until she was done with her second plate of shrimp. I know the character is fiction but one can dream.

If it bleeds we can kill it

Passover was totally uneventful this year. There were no random blind dates, no dogs on the table, no costumes straight out of a Kabbalah meeting, nothing. The only thing I did realize was that eating Passover with my brother is like being an extra on the set of Predator. I kid you not I watched and listened as he ate a whole chicken, bones and all. He literally sounded like a garbage disposal. I am beyond disturbed.

The Hoff better buy this

Slightly used '82 Trans Am for sale - does not include William Daniels.

I have a friend who always wanted to have KITT for those nights he was too drunk to drive.


"KITT, I am fucked up. Drive me home. Turbo boost it, bitch"

I hid the afikomen in my pants

I had to hit the internet to figure out what afikomen was. What do you want from me, I suffered from hyperactivity during Hebrew School. Let's hope this year's seder is as good as the last.

It's pronounced 'Dumb Ass'

This conversation took place only moments ago. I love my friends.

J - was just staring at my computer screen
B - and
J - started chewing on the power adapter plug for my computer
J - shocked my muth
J - mouth
B - shut up
B - did not
J - yup
J - not insane pain
B - were you chewing the end/
J - just a little
B - nut bag
J - just kind of holding it in my teeth
J - the end with metal on it
B - what is wrong with you
J - so much

The Barry Renaissance

I have been abusing the word 'renaissance' lately like it is my red headed step child.

Here are some of the things that in my mind (all that matters) are going through a renaissance:

South Park - I just started watching it again after like a eight year break. I now use what I have learned from Cartman to get me through any and all social situations (see below).

Seinfeld - There was a point after the show ended I couldn't watch it. I felt it was dated. I don't know if it is because I am older and wiser or dumber and younger but I now can fully relate to every narcissistic character on the show.

Ice Cube - Sure now he makes shit movies for the man, but there was a time when white people were afraid of him. I miss those times. That's why I downloaded a couple of tracks off the 'Death Certificate' album. Yeah, I'm hard.

I know there are other things I wanted to add to this list but I am tired of typing.