Helter Skelter

Over the weekend I exhausted my local library of all the information they had on Charles Manson. Library = magazine shop. Information = article in LA Magazine. Did you know Charles Manson was only 5'2? I don't know about you but when I think about being brainwashed into killing people I always assume the guy will be a huge, larger than life man not a midget. I have lost all respect Squeaky Fromme. In the police reports I combed through I saw that when they finally caught Charlie, he was hiding in a tiny cabinet under a bathroom sink. When they make the movie of my life, Gary Coleman will play Charles Manson in the scene that depicts me day dreaming about Charles Manson. Think On the Right Track but with more stabbing.

New Tattoo

This will be my first prison tatt:

Can't afford to write

Are you aware of the fact that Final Draft is $250? How am I supposed to write my love story between Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Iron Sheik when I can't afford the software? It was to be set in New London CT at time such love was forbidden by the likes of Randy Savage and Rowdy Roddy Piper. Now without 250 bucks my plans are ruined. I will just have to act the entire script out with sock puppets and hope that someone takes notes.

Quick Question

Gun to your head. You have to have sex with either Barbra Streisand or Dustin Hoffman dressed as Tootsie otherwise a bunch of puppies will die. Who do you choose?

I am saying Dustin Hoffman. I figure it will do less long term damage to my psyche. Why was Babs holding those puppies hostage anyway?

Plug me back in

When I graduated college I should have taken the blue pill.

Cypher: You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize?
[Takes a bite of steak]
Cypher: Ignorance is bliss.

I need a new job.

Sick of foreigners

I am so sick of people coming up to me and telling me about how important they were in their country. "I was a doctor in my country, but could only get a job as a janitor here." Boo Hoo Hoo! The other day I was in a cab when the driver told me back in Transylvania he was a vampire. Not sure where I am going with this. It would have made a great Saturday Night Live skit. I can see Adam Samberg playing the vampire cab driver. Man I got all these ideas and nowhere to put them.

Sunshine on my nutsack makes me happy*

Every so often, Mankind takes a technological leap that is so profound, so innovative, that nothing is ever again quite the same. The firearm, for example. Or the Segway Personal Transporter, which if you'll remember was the reason the auto industry collapsed. Well, it has happened again. Someone has created an invention that is so revolutionary, it will forever change the way we run outdoors:



*title has nothing to do with post

Colt 45, it works every time.

Do you remember that scene in Star Wars when Han Solo leaves the cantina at Mos Eisley and runs into Jabba the Hutt? You know, the one where he gives him some smooth talk and accidentally steps on his tail? Yeah, neither do I....

As we get older, it's common for a lot of us to wish we could magically go back in time and undo some of our misdoings. Many of us would like to play monday morning quarterback and correct our our blunders or failures. It's human nature.

The problem is, often times our imperfections and mistakes are what make us what we are. Sure we like to revel in our triumphs, but the truth is, our failures often expose our humanity. Seriously, who sits around with their friends and talks about their victories? Only assholes.

A couple years ago, George Lucas decided to turn back the clock, and fuck with what is arguably his greatest contribution to American cinema; the Star Wars Trilogy (I say trilogy because I don't recognize the subsequent abominations he tried to pass off as being part of the same series). He took what was admittedly, a flawed story of good versus evil, and tried to polish it with lasers and computers. In the end, he only tarnished it and detracted from the simple beauty of a tale that revolved around spaceships, laser-swords, space-apes, and robots.

The sad moral of this is clear, you should not try to mess with the past. Like poking a stick into a still pond, you only stir up mud and obscure the natural beauty that once was.

Oh yeah, and this goes out to George Lucas, if you are going to go back in time and mess with the past, at least make sure that Billy Dee Williams has a bottle of Colt 45 in his hand at all times and in every scene. I mean, seriously, why waste all that technology?

** I wasn't really trying to be serious, I just needed a set up for the pic.

The Japanese are far superior

For years I have been ordering a Quarter Pounder with NO cheese at McDonalds. I do it because even though I love cheese burgers, for whatever reason it just doesn't work on this cut of meat. I love how I refer to a McDonalds' hamburger as a cut of meat. I also know for a fact that McDonalds doesn't have quarter pounders without cheese waiting under lights. They make each and every one fresh to order. I don't eat there that often, maybe three or four times a week, but when I do, it is always the first thing I order. Today while surfing the interweb I found what may be the first of many reasons for me to move to Japan. Mcdonalds has opened restaurants in Shibuya and Omotesando that only serve quarter pounders. I have never been sadder to say I am an American. Why is this so far away????????????????????

Yo Joe

I can't believe I am posting another video today. Sure sign of a lazy writer. I couldn't help it though. I have no plans to see the G.I. Joe movie since it has to be pure garabage. My childhood has been raped enough don't you think? In an ideal world they would have made the movie with this cast and wardrobe. An ideal world indeed.

The Ballad of G.I. Joe from Olivia Wilde

Today was a good day

I really don't care about skate boarding but I did find this commercial entertaining. I just love Ice Cube. I have seen Are We There Yet? at least 50 times.

Game on

Today on my ride to work I had the best idea ever for a movie. I am planning on buying the screen writing software this weekend. In about three months I will realize I didn't open the box and have no clue what I was planning to write anyway. Actually you never know. I am really, really serious this time. I mean it.

That pep talk made me hard. Also, I have totally convinced myself that a friend of a friend who is currently pitching tv shows is my "in" to Hollywood. I can not wait to start pitching my ideas to interns who have no power.

Time to take this show on the road.

Naked Sit Ups part 2

So this morning I walked into the locker room and once again I was blinded by thrashing cock and balls. That same member had his member out as he did sit ups by his locker. Out of shear boredom I decided to complain to management.

My email to management:

Hi Miles

How are you? Remember a few months ago how I complained about a member working out in just a bathing suit? As if to mock me I saw him a few weeks after that doing sit ups in a suit and tie. It was as if he was saying "I was too under dressed before so now I will show you what being over dressed is." That provided me with a mild laugh but now I really want him thrown out of the club. Twice this week I have walked into the locker room to find him doing sit ups naked in front of his locker. He did have a towel down but come on.

Barry

Now the greatest response ever:

Hi Barry,

I'm speechless! This is right up there with the red haired guy (yet to be positively identified) who insists on drying his testicles in a very visual way with the hairdryers in the Men's vanity area...

I will follow-up with my staff downstairs to make sure everyone going into the gym is suitably attired or removed.

With regards to the incident in the Locker Room, I will make every effort to convey to the member in question that his behavior is causing offense.

Please accept my apologies for the startling visuals you were made to suffer.

Regards,

Miles

I think I love Miles

It was my friend's sister

I want to share with you a cautionary tale from my childhood. Well I didn't really want to share it, but my lunch reminded me of it so here goes. When I was about nine years old, my friend's sister, who may have been fourteen, was home alone on a hot summer day when her hormones went into overdrive. Not knowing what to do, she wandered her house until she found herself in the kitchen. It is there she found a package of frozen hot dogs sitting next to the frusen gladje in the freezer. This is the crazy part, she actually had sex with one of the frozen hot dogs. Well I should say she had sex with it until it thawed, at which time half of it broke off inside her. I know this is graphic, but you really need to hear this. Not knowing what to do, she waited until my friend got home and begged him to pull it out with tweezers. It took a few tries but he was finally able to get all of it out. She was really lucky if you think about it. Back then hot dogs weren't organic. Now remember, hot dogs are for eating, not for fucking. The more you know. . .

Everything I want out of life

I have never seen a more beautiful object in my life. If I could some how have sex with it while pancakes shot out the other side I could die a happy man. Well I don't want to die that fast, I need at least a short stack first.


ChefStack Automatic Pancake Machine

I wish I was killed at L.A. Fitness

I might have mentioned that I witnessed an older gentleman working out in just a bathing suit. No shirt, no socks, no shoes, just a pair of red JAMS from 1987. I made a complaint about him to management, but I am pretty sure they did nothing as I had nothing to identify him with other than a raised mole on his back. Somehow word must have gotten back to him because there is no other explanation for what I witnessed next. I was minding my own business on the treadmill when I noticed him lifting in a suit and tie. It actually would have made a good commercial for Today's Man. "Look at my suit. I am able to do kettle ball lifts and my pant's crease is perfect and all for just $299. (Offer does not include shoes)" If he did this to mock my stringent request that he follow gym rules with regards to clothing, I applaud him for his evilness.

For the most part this guy has stayed in proper gym attire since then. Well that was until yesterday. As I walked into the locker room my eyes almost burned out of my head in a similar fashion to what the Nazis experienced in Raider's. The guy in question was buck naked doing sit ups on the floor. It was like I looked directly into the Ark of the Covenant. As he counted out crunches, his cock and balls looked like an elephant trying to eat peanuts and drink water simultaneously. Do I try complaining again? I mean, he did have a towel down at least.

OJ Simpson not a Jew. . .but his lawyer is one

I heard the Juice is going to be freed pending a retrial. I truly understand why he won the Heisman Trophy. He's always rushing!

My dog has a better life than me and he has cancer

I have a friend whose mother always complains that her cleaning lady has a better life than her because she goes on vacations. Poor woman! I really feel for her, sitting in her huge house not having to work, while her cleaning lady is enjoying her time off in a motel 6 one block from the Florida State turnpike in Fort Lauderdale. On that note, I am going to say I am jealous of my dog with cancer and his "vacation" in Colorado. I had to leave him in Fort Collins so he could have state of the art radiation treatment at CSU. I left him with a woman who owns a farm that will take him for his treatments over the next month until I pick him up. I honestly thought he would cry himself to sleep every night because I wasn't there. Turns out he is having the time of his life. He spends his days running through the fields, swimming, and going for rides. I imagine his life being very similar to Huckleberry Finn without Nigger Jim*. I even hear he likes to bark at the wind. If he wasn't getting radiation daily I would say why him and not me. Screw it, I will say it anyway. Why him and not me?

*Can't believe I used it

I know nothing about sex with bitches

Barry: Why are they standing ass to ass?
Anonymous Dog Breeder: Because they are tied. (A Tie is a natural phenomenon of dog breeding in which the bulbus glandis of the male's penis swells inside the bitch's vagina.
Barry: Who hasn't been swollen in a bitch's vagina? Okay, then explain the ass to ass.
Anonymous Dog Breeder: As soon as the dogs lock the male usually moves his leg over her back, turns butt to butt and they remain locked. Tied. The dogs are virtually locked together for 15-20 minutes (2 to 30 minutes is also normal), during which time ejaculation has taken place.

The conversation ended with me erasing the dog breeder's phone number from my phone. If only I could erase my brain as easily.