Lazy Youtube Post #12

Barry-

I know you hate it when I do this, but it has to be said:

And no, I didn't make this video

Jhen enters the world of blogging

Jhen is too lazy to write for this blog, but she obviously isn't too lazy to start her own. Jhen's new blog chronicles the musings of her brother as told via email. I hear he is like a young John Leguizamo or he once mugged John Leguizamo on the subway, either way, the blog is funny.

Read it!

Dear Gentlemen's Quarterly

Letter to the editor and Christian Bale:

But before we get to Mr Bale, I have some more words for Alan Richman and his obvious lack of taste. I was going to try another pizza place on his list called Antica Pizzeria, but before I could get in the door I was informed of how bad it is. Seriuously, Alan, did you make this list up as an elaborate joke on pizza eaters everywhere? Kind of how I will see a really bad movie and then tell a friend it is great just so they will see it (go see Terminator, it is awesome!) Alan, whats going on with you? Are you going through a tuff time? Remind me to ask you where to get a good slice, right after I ask a priest where the best pastrami is.

Now back to Christina Bale. I haven't read the article about him in GQ because it looks wordy but I did spend $11.50 to go see him over act so I think we have reached a point in our relationship where I can be honest. There has been lots of talk about how when he lost his mind on that lighting guy, he was in the moment and really in the scene. Well after seeing the movie I can say, Mr. Bale you truly are a douche. The movie is duece. If all it takes for you to go nuts is making a bunch of money while standing in front of a green screen crying how this isn't the future your momma told you about then I guess all is lost. Judgment day is coming.

The movie isn't all bad. I kind of went off for nothing. The best parts of the movie include:
Digital removal of Batman's costume from Christian Bale. Hold on you mean this is a different movie? But he uses the same voice. Weird.

And the best part! Arnold makes a cameo. I don't know how they did it. Was this film in storage for the last twenty five years? How did they splice the old footage in with the new footage of Christian Bale? I will never understand the magic of Hollywood.

So go see Terminator, you will not regret it!

Dear Gentlemen's Quarterly . . .

Letter to the Editor and Alan Richman:

I can be a bit of a dandy. I have been known to purchase your magazine to find out which summer shirt will look best with my converse sneakers. I am that shallow. I have no shame. However, I bought your magazine yesterday for one reason and one reason only. On the cover it clearly states "American Pie, The 25 Best Pizzas on Earth." The title lured me like some sort of miracle cure for cancer. The cashier had my $3.99 instantly. I ran all the way home with the magazine under one arm. Here is the tricky part, I only like to read magazine while crapping so I had to wait until this morning to see if the June issue truly was the book of life. Well GQ I now know you not only are not the book of life but I don't even think you could pass for being a new testament printed on old newspaper. Today I drove to number 7 on your so called greatest pizza list, Tomato Pie and I have to say I have had better slices at Sbarro at the Garden State Mall in Paramus New Jersey. What were you thinking? And I quote, "the crust unusually soft and tender, with a crisp bottom and a fluffy, nutty center." Do you even know what you are talking about? Are you making up descriptions to impress some girl? How about the dough was tasteless with a slight burn to the bottom. Don't even get me started on the sauce. A can of tomato paste and a packet of raw sugar do not make the grandma of slices. Honestly I am embarrassed for you. You clearly lost your taste buds in some sort of freak accident. You have brought me to a crossroads in life. There are still twenty four places left on your list. Fool me once shame on me. If the next place sucks this bad, I will be under your bed with a pizza cutter.

Sincerely,
Pizzaman33
Not as good as it looks.

WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?!?

Blowjob....

or wait a second,  maybe my money back. Could you give me my money back?

So I was reading the news today and see that Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick were among the Bernard Madoff victims (I know this has been known for awhile, but I mainly stay current by reading old Chinese newspapers that my fishmonger, Mr. Lee, uses to wrap my halibut). Anyhow, according to the article, Bernard Madoff fleeced them for everything they had and while I am sorry to hear about their misfortune, I think the real tragedy is going to be felt by us, the movie-going public.

While Bacon's been entertaining movie audiences for nearly 3 decades now, it's really only been the last few years that he's been remotely bearable. I mean sure, we all love him as the slightly perverse asshole that either wants to rape us (Sleepers, the Woodsman), kill us and bring us back to life (Flatliners, Stir of Echos), or drown us in a river (White Water Summer, The River Wild), but a lot of us forget some of his earlier, shittier movies like: He Said She Said, She's Having a Baby, and the aptly named Forty Deuce (so named because it was essentially 40X worse than shit).

Anyway, my point is that if the recent past has been any indicator, financial security has been a real boon for the Baconator's film choices. I mean, most of his recent films have been somewhat decent. My fear is that now that all that cash is gone, we're gonna see a whole new series of stinkers like Hollowman 3, Footloose 2, or some remake of Quicksilver with Carlos Mencia playing Paul Rodriguez.

Seriously, the only thing standing between us and the revival of Elizabeth McGovern's acting career, is the fact that The Closer is doing well on cable.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that the trustees can get as much of that cash back as possible.

Never ask a friend for help

Last night some hoodlums vandalized my cars. It was the worst night of my life.
I am lying, the photo is fake. I blame modern technology and my neighbor for this blatant disrespect. last time I ask him to resize something.

Scientific proof I am becoming more of a douche

See if you can pick up on why I am becoming more of a douche.

My gym routine: Do 1000 sets of curls, eat six power bars, walk on the treadmill at exactly 3.2 miles an hour while watching the Today show, walk in the locker room, strip quickly, wrap myself in a towel, walk to shower, drop towel in bin right at the edge of the shower room, grab a fresh one from towel pile, walk three steps nude to shower, shower, dry off, walk to locker, get dressed with a towel around my waist until the last second, and get out.

Did you see the spot where I became a douche? It is the moment I drop the first towel and feel comfortable enough being nude to walk three steps to get in the shower. I can't believe this is happening to me.

Awesome Pics

Stopped in my new favorite Juice Bar/Mexican restaurant this morning. As I was waiting for my food I noticed this series of paintings on the wall. One word "Awesome"

Ansel Adams of Food

Lately I have been taking photos while I am eating. There is nothing better than capturing a piece of strawberry pie on film for future generations to see. Heavy cream glistening under fluorescent lights is truly why cameras were made.

I am also planning to use my photography skills to capture the true essence of the "spic-up" or as known in politically correct circles, a two wheel drive pick up truck used by gardeners far and wide.

Watch out Annie Leibowitz

Addendum to the perfect job

There has been a lot of talk about what the perfect career path would be. I have said before for it would be a combination of Chico and the Man and Baywatch Nights. Restoring cars in between cases, man that sounds awesome. I went back to the chalkboard recently and through some research I am forced to make a change to the formula of happiness.

Old Equation
Chico and the Man + Baywatch Nights = Awesome

New Equation
Chico and the Man + Baywatch Nights + Man V. Food = Nirvana

I think if I could somehow combine restoring cars with solving mysteries while enjoying amazing food my head would explode.

My Morning

I came to this traffic light on the way to work today. It pretty much describes my life.

Nice try

Haha check out this punkass Japanese kid. Yeah he's only nine years old, and yeah he can play Crazy Train perfectly on guitar, but his vocals are so wack! 

Probably because he doesn't even speak English!  What a loser.

Gran Torino, the review by Orville Boggs

A couple of nights ago Clyde finally got the DVD player to work with the old Zenith in the back of the tow truck. In my excitement I rented Gran Torino. Screw Marley and Me, I cried like Cholla did when he got covered in Tar. It had everything I look for in a movie; Pabst Blue Ribbon, racism, a gran torino, and a dog named Daisy. Best movie I've seen in a long time.

Slow News Day

Hey you know what sucks? When your parasitic dead fetus twin erupts from your fucking belly button.

Oh also there was a Category 1 inland reverse hurricane in Kansas today.

Street King - Heman Style

Let's face facts, I hate my job. It's not that it is bad per se, but I am sitting in a cube. Where is the fun in that? With that in mind it has made my longing for more out of life downright dangerous. I have come so close to being kidnapped by the lure of a better life and a box of peanut brittle at least four times. Last night my neighbor who is one of LA's finest, let me know that I still have sixteen months to join the force. The cut off is 35. My neighbor recently retired from the Narcotics division, but his wife is also be on the force and just so happens to be a recruiter. It is like I am Prince Adam and I just found the Power Sword. Oh, and did I mention that I was told most officers with decent writing skills climb the ranks the fastest? Oh, oh, I forgot the best part of this story, my neighbor is Jewish. A Jewish police officer? Sounds like I just entered another dimension. Up is down, left is right. Dreams do come true. If I join now I might be able to work vice in Hollywood with Orko. I have the power!!!!!!
*Seriously thinking about it.

Father's Day - Geoffrey Lewis

I know it's not Father's Day, but I feel it is necessary for me to remind Juliette Lewis to give her dad a call and tell him thanks for everything. Over the years there has been a ton of press regarding Miss Lewis. Who doesn't love her crazy antics or her general dirty hotness, but have we ever taken the time to recognize where she came from? She has one of the coolest dad's in history. I am talking about Orville Boggs. Orville, not only stared in seven Clint Eastwood movies but he also traveled the South West with an Orangutan while his best friend got into fights. I salute you Geoffrey Lewis. Tonight I will drink some Coors and show you the respect you deserve. Juliette, learn from my example.

Contemplate this on the tree of woe..

I normally don't watch Oprah, in fact, I've never watched Oprah, even when Tom Cruise jumped around like a monkey and she gave everyone a Prius. But now that she's cracked the whole John Edwards extramarital sex story wide open, I can't avoid her any longer. I don't know if anyone else has noticed this (actually, I do know that someone else has noticed this because in doing a google search for pics, I found a similar post on an inferior blog), but Oprah is looking more and more like Thulsa Doom. 

You be the judge...

Oprah

Thulsa Doom

Oprah

Thulsa Doom

See what I mean?

*In the interest of full disclosure, here's the other blog post about this fascinating phenomenon:

The names have been changed to protect the guilty

Nothing funnier than the truth.

(1:37:42 PM) barryrides: remember Seth's dad's porn collection or stories of it?
(1:38:39 PM) philobeddoe: of course
(1:39:02 PM) philobeddoe: the guy was 45 and interested in remote control planes and porno
(1:39:38 PM) barryrides: love that he had a home made alarm for the porn room so his son couldn't look at it
(1:39:50 PM) philobeddoe: lasers and computers
(1:40:08 PM) barryrides: you got a son interested in porn
(1:40:12 PM) barryrides: you encourage it
(1:40:21 PM) barryrides: you tell him you are proud of him
(1:43:03 PM) philobeddoe: yeah, that house was weird
(1:43:21 PM) barryrides: his parents hated me
(1:43:27 PM) barryrides: thought I was a bad kid
(1:43:38 PM) philobeddoe: nice
(1:43:56 PM) philobeddoe: meanwhile his dad is beating off to weird 80's porn
(1:44:00 PM) barryrides: yes
(1:44:04 PM) philobeddoe: in a special porn room
(1:44:08 PM) barryrides: yeah
(1:44:31 PM) philobeddoe: how did people even get porn back then?
(1:44:38 PM) philobeddoe: vhs tapes
(1:44:50 PM) philobeddoe: in those huge boxes
(1:45:04 PM) philobeddoe: those big plastic clam-shell boxes
(1:45:14 PM) barryrides: so much cool porn art
(1:45:26 PM) philobeddoe: picture TNT video
(1:45:37 PM) clydebeddow: the backroom
(1:45:54 PM) barryrides: yeah
(1:46:20 PM) philobeddoe: there was like 100-200 porn titles back then
(1:46:32 PM) philobeddoe: all movies too
(1:46:37 PM) philobeddoe: not just clip reels
(1:46:47 PM) philobeddeo: with plots and pubes
(1:47:20 PM) philobeddeo: I remember there was a woman that worked at TNT video that looked like a meth addicted biker
(1:47:28 PM) barryrides: memories
(1:47:37 PM) philobeddoe: yup
(1:48:09 PM) barryrides: we need a time machine
(1:48:12 PM) barryrides: 70s
(1:48:23 PM) barryrides: when being gay was illegal
(1:48:31 PM) philobeddeo: that's when they had all the good stuff
(1:48:38 PM) barryrides: i know
(1:48:41 PM) barryrides: trans ams
(1:48:43 PM) barryrides: monkeys
(1:48:43 PM) philobeddeo: good toys, good cars, good porn
(1:49:03 PM) barryrides: Mr. Hardwick catches his employee in the candle factory masturbating
(1:49:32 PM) philobeddoe: the guy that owns the record shop gets blown by two women
(1:49:53 PM) barryrides: I remember watching that movie on my couch in my living room with XXXXX and my dad
(1:51:04 PM) philobeddeo: Wouldn't his step dad beat him if you called the house?
(1:51:15 PM) barryrides: hmm not sure
(1:51:17 PM) barryride: hope so
(1:51:30 PM) clydebeddow: pretty sure there was something like that going on

Goal # 73

I want to write a best selling book on all the places I have pooped. Oprah will have me on her show and talk about how my book and life inspire her. Later it will come out that my book is all lies. Oprah will be shamed.
"I once left a dump in a mail box this big"

Worst Day Ever!

I just got news that Dom Deluise died last night. I am speechless. You will be missed more than you can imagine.

Da-dum-duuummmm! I, am Captain Chaos! And this, this is my faithful companion, Cato... Say hello, Cato!

Meh so what

Fact or Fiction - Old Women love Vests

Old women love vests. I can deny it no longer. My mom came for a visit recently and she insisted on throwing on her Land's End fleece vest if there was the slightest nip in the air. I really didn't give this much thought until the other day when I saw two older women crossing the road. Would you know it, both were wearing vests and visors (The visor, a topic for another day). At that moment I realized there was some correlation between age and the coat with no sleeves, but alas the light changed color and I was unable to get a photo to back up my theory. Last night I was out to dinner when I saw an old lady two tables away wearing a vest. I wanted to take her picture but I thought she might get creeped out as I wasn't wearing any pants at the time (a topic for another day). So I am ask you this, is it fact or fiction that old women love vests? Do they think they are sporty? Do they honestly believe they provide warmth?

If anyone can get me a picture of one of these mythical creatures feel free to post it in the comments.

I can relate

When no one is looking I like to read Jane's World. A comic about a lesbian journalist whose life reads like a sitcom on a planet where there are no straight people. I guess it could be worse. I could read Cathy. Ackkkkkk!