New Economy Jobs

As the economy continues its steady decline, it's easy to fall prey to panic and melancholy. Many of us would probably like to lock ourselves inside and withdraw from these new, frightening times, hopefully to awaken sometime in the future when these troubles have blown over and the world is again verdant. However, it is important to understand that inaction will only worsen this situation, and now is the time to take positive steps to secure your future.

One of the most overlooked resources available to people looking to make a change is their local community college. Whereas larger universities are slower to change their curriculum, community colleges are more in touch with he changing needs of the job market, and are quicker to respond with course offerings to help train people to fill those needs. The following are some examples of new courses being offered in my community for those of you struggling in these tough times. I hope they spark some ideas....

BBM102: Intro to Bail Bonding/Skip Tracing.

As more of our newly impoverished population turn to crime as a means of supporting their families, bail bonding will play a larger role in allowing accused criminals to feed their loved ones while they await trial. Learn the skills necessary for tracking and capturing dangerous criminals for profit! This introductory course will provide you with the basics of bounty hunting, and teach you the skills necessary to get started in this exciting and dangerous field. Lectures will instruct students how to:

• Assess and traffic in bond collateral
• Subdue dangerous, often intoxicated fugitives in front of their children.
• Tap into criminal networks for information on criminal activities
• Use a Tazer®
• Look bad-ass while sporting a vest and a mullet
  

REP100: Repossession Agent

The recent binge of the American consumer, coupled with the collapse of the housing market has not only left a great deal of big-ticket items in the hands of people that can no longer afford them, but also created a golden opportunity for anyone with a tow-truck! Repossession has generally been a counter cyclical industry benefiting from the sorrow and stupidity of our overly materialistic citizenry. Learn the arts necessary to succeed in this lucrative and dangerous industry. Topics include:

• Breaking and entering
• How to hook a "no interest, no money down, no credit required" luxury car up to a tow truck under moonlight while getting shot at
• Using a Tazer®

SOP101: Somali Pirate

Travel, see the world, work for yourself. The life of a Somali Pirate

offers the freedom to set your own hours and operate under your own laws! This growing field has really taken off in the past few years and still holds tremendous potential for self-motivated go-getters. Get in on the ground floor and take advantage of the global chaos gripping our oceans and seas. Learn the following:

• How to convert an abandoned commercial fishing boat into a "Mother Ship"
• Maintaining and firing a Chinese rocket launcher
• Using a Tazer®
• Detecting the early symptoms of AIDS in Somali shipyard hookers

The above list is by no means exhaustive, it only serves as a sample of some of the exciting new opportunities that are replacing "old economy" jobs like Investment Banker or Stock Broker (although it also seems to suggest that familiarity with a Tazer® will pretty much replace literacy, and interpersonal skills, as the top-line resume item in the new job market).

Also, it is important to keep an open mind, many of the old reliable jobs that have fallen out of favor in recent years will enjoy a resurgence in our new economy. Keep an eye out for opportunities in fields such as prostitution, black-market organ theft, trading in stolen scrap metal, and selling oranges on highway exit ramps.

The bottom line is to keep your head up, and look for the opportunities that are constantly presenting themselves in these trying times. Next week I hope to be back with a tutorial on how to distill your own urine into sanitary drinking water.