There can be only one….Baldwin

[guest blogged by Jake]
Not many people know this, but Highlander was a documentary. Of course it doesn’t look that way, with the camera angles and the fact that “Viking” from Bad Boys was in it, but it’s a true story, and there are in fact real “immortals” living, and doing battle among us. While most relish their anonymity, preferring to wander earth and time alone, there exists one clan, originally from Massapequa, Long Island, who have chosen to wage their epic battle in public – the Baldwins.

If you recall, at one time there were four Baldwins; Alec, Daniel, Steven, and William. They roamed Hollywood without fear or talent, for their immortal powers made them impervious to perils and concerns of average mortal actors. They starred in crappy movies like “Bio-Dome” and “Backdraft”, getting by on their slightly above average looks and exceptional chest hair. Then, as studios began to require higher and higher box office returns, and Hollywood became more competitive, the types of roles that could pay for coke and Kim Bassinger dried up, the Baldwins were brought together like African gazelles to a slowly evaporating watering hole in order to compete for scarcer and scarcer resources. Now as everyone knows, immortals of the Highlander variety experience a great deal of physical pain when they’re in close proximity to one another (this is why the Baldwins never have family reunions and are quick to alienate themselves from their young). Since the only way to stop the pain of being a Highlander is to decapitate the other Highlander and absorb their powers, the Baldwins have been locked in a vicious blood-feud for all eternity. With each encounter between Baldwins, one was dispatched, and the other grows stronger (and coincidentally fatter). Now, after eons of battle, and years of crappy movies, one Baldwin stands victorious. At last, the Gathering….