This morning I was laying in my own filth eating a leftover-stuffing sandwich in my underwear when a commercial for Renuzit Crystal Elements air fresheners came on. Well, just like Oprah, I'm gonna have to put these on my list of favorite things.
Yup, the fine folks at Henkel International (that's the German Chemical Conglomerate that owns the Dial Corporation) have finally figured out a way to make air fresheners look more like candy!!! With Delicious flavors like Amber Vanilla, Garnet Spice, and Ruby Berries, these little chunks of poison will probably be gobbled up by unwitting children everywhere this holiday season. Don't get me wrong, I completely support this new product innovation. As I've said a number of times, in this economy we all need to do our part, and this product will create synergy between two of our biggest national issues right now: consumer spending and healthcare.
When little kids see the ambiguous advertisements for Renuzit Crystal Elements they're gonna think they're food and demand them as stocking-stuffers, thus driving consumer spending and helping the economy (I myself, having looked at nothing but food for the last 3 days was tricked into thinking they were some form of granola/candied fruit based on their packaging), and once they get their tiny little hands on them and suffer the subsequent household poisoning, their parents are gonna demand dialysis treatment for their children with renal failure, thus raising awareness of healthcare problems. You gotta love the way this product brings two such important issues together in such a neat little package, the Germans are such great innovators.
Ironically, it was the Germans who originally worried about this very problem back in the 1920's when they published The Poisonous Mushroom, a cautionary tale of how Jewish child molesters would give the Aryan children poisonous candy before banging them (see below).
So if you, or one of your friends, finds the kids passed out under the Christmas Tree this holiday season, and their breath stays fresh for 45 days, you can thank the wise folks at Henkel International - "a brand like a friend".
1 comment:
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