Huckleberry Fin

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee has found himself in some hot water this evening, as reports are coming in that he pardoned the gentleman that so rudely smoked four cops in a Washington coffee shop this morning (despite the fact that the gentleman in question was a five-time felon*).

*also despite the fact that he had a history of violent behavior and also for some reason despite protests by prosecutors

Protip: keep writing books, Mike.

The Barry Rides Holiday Gift Guide

Ok, we've talked about it before. The economy sucks and we need to buy a lot of crap in order to get it going again. So here is my first installment of the Barry Rides Holiday Gift Guide® (I'm gonna ramble a bit, but I'll get there).

This morning I was laying in my own filth eating a leftover-stuffing sandwich in my underwear when a commercial for Renuzit Crystal Elements air fresheners came on. Well, just like Oprah, I'm gonna have to put these on my list of favorite things.



Yup, the fine folks at Henkel International (that's the German Chemical Conglomerate that owns the Dial Corporation) have finally figured out a way to make air fresheners look more like candy!!! With Delicious flavors like Amber Vanilla, Garnet Spice, and Ruby Berries, these little chunks of poison will probably be gobbled up by unwitting children everywhere this holiday season. Don't get me wrong, I completely support this new product innovation. As I've said a number of times, in this economy we all need to do our part, and this product will create synergy between two of our biggest national issues right now: consumer spending and healthcare.

When little kids see the ambiguous advertisements for Renuzit Crystal Elements they're gonna think they're food and demand them as stocking-stuffers, thus driving consumer spending and helping the economy (I myself, having looked at nothing but food for the last 3 days was tricked into thinking they were some form of granola/candied fruit based on their packaging), and once they get their tiny little hands on them and suffer the subsequent household poisoning, their parents are gonna demand dialysis treatment for their children with renal failure, thus raising awareness of healthcare problems. You gotta love the way this product brings two such important issues together in such a neat little package, the Germans are such great innovators.

Ironically, it was the Germans who originally worried about this very problem back in the 1920's when they published The Poisonous Mushroom, a cautionary tale of how Jewish child molesters would give the Aryan children poisonous candy before banging them (see below).



So if you, or one of your friends, finds the kids passed out under the Christmas Tree this holiday season, and their breath stays fresh for 45 days, you can thank the wise folks at Henkel International - "a brand like a friend".

Random thoughts

Every morning I pass this Asian guy who lives in his 1987 Honda Prelude. His car is parked on the street facing the beach. Not a bad place to set up camp. He seems happy enough. I see him reading the paper and enjoying a cup of coffee from Starbucks but I assume at night he somehow manages to sleep in the front seat of the world's most uncomfortable car. This really worries me because I used to own a Prelude. Sure the car is gone but I have this fear that I might end up living in it anyway I mean I am not Asian so fitting in it to sleep is really going to suck plus the CD player never worked corectly. On a positive note there was an NWA tape stuck in the tape player when I sold it. I could deal with that.

Choke on it!

We are getting close to Thanksgiving. Know I am wishing you and your family the best during this holiday season.

ῳ

P.S. discretion is advised.

Shit my dad doesn't say

People have been talking about Shit My Dad Says for weeks. I have had no real interest in it because I know it is some douche who looks like me and sounds like me sitting in a cube making this shit up when he should be doing his real job. If that wasn't bad enough I just heard that ABC picked up Shit My Dad Says as a TV show. In reality my dad had some great shit to say that could clearly have been made into a TV show. For example he used to call my mom's Toyota Corolla "the lumumba wagon." I never knew why. Another interesting thing my father used to say was that black people were shamsters. To this day I have no idea what he meant or even if it's derogatory, but I can tell you this, I think I just came up with a new show for NBC. The Shamsters featuring the lumumba wagon, the talking corolla. I need an agent.

*I just looked up shamster and it turns out it is derogatory. All this time I thought he was just slurring hamster.
**Don't be mad at my father, he is dead.

My brother is a piece of shit

I know it might sound harsh but it is true. He finally pushed me over the edge. You see, my brother is capable of some horrible things. If you get to know him you realize he hates people, is stubborn, and quite possibly only cares about himself. Interestingly none of this has ever bothered me. I guess I just accepted him for the animal he was. I mean we are all animals in our own right. The other night he texts me that he is eating at his favorite pizza place (actually eating a pie in his car like a savage) and that with his margarita pizza pie he is enjoying a diet coke with lime. At first I thought he was joking. What type of man would drink a diet coke? Then I thought maybe the phone was stolen, but based on the conversation I knew that was only wishful thinking. He was actually sitting behind the wheel of his car sipping a diet coke through a tiny straw. I am imagining the Ahhhhhhhh sound came out of his mouth at one point or another before he finished it. He finally has gone off the deep end. I understand diet coke is an acquired taste for fat men and cat ladies alike, but I don't understand how a normal man can go 36 years drinking regular coke and suddenly make the switch to that aspartame shit. It is like he did it purposely to hurt me. There is no logic behind it. My brain is full of so much rage and disappointment. So with that said until my brother makes a formal apology for giving up the sweet nectar that is coke classic and renounces diet coke he is dead to me.
Not my brother

No new ideas - Enter the Ninjew

Last night an Asian and I were talking about typical nonsense. Why are we not rich? Why don't we have nice cars? Why are we Jews and Asians respectively? We ended up talking about selling real estate and then Enter the Dragon came on TV. Naturally, the conversation morphed into how I wanted a claw hand and Kareem Abdul Jabbar to be my sidekick as I sold real estate to Persians in Beverly Hills. Well my crafty Chinese friend told me I should write a movie called Enter the Ninjew about a Jewish Ninja who throws stars of David and has a yarmulke that also can be used as a flying disc of death. This is pure genius. Sadly when I did a Google search on Jewish ninjas there were over two million results. How is that even possible?

All Jews want to know kung fu hence yellow fever.

I got mugged

So last night I got mugged while sleeping. I was having this dream where this guy offers me a cup of coffee outside some mall when out of nowhere he tries to put me in a sleeper hold to steal my watch. Now either he was a really bad thief or I have a thick neck because I never fell asleep. All I did was scream over and over again don't take my watch. The point of the story is how lame is it that I got mugged in my dream. Your dreams are supposed to be a place where you bang super models and shoot lasers out of your eyes. Not a place where you beg muggers to not steal your watch. Tonight I am going to dream about karate lessons for the next time I get mugged. Oh, and hopefully dream of banging super models.

I have AIDs

I haven't been writing lately because I have been crazy distraught. You see, I was recently diagnosed with full blown AIDs. I'm not talking about that simple Magic Johnson crap either. I got sores that make me look like an extra from Pappillon. As you can imagine it has made my desire to write really fall off. Most of the time I can't even lift my hands to type so I figured the blog would just die a quick death like the one I am hoping to have. Nah I am just kidding! I haven't posted because I have been really lazy. Good news, my writing just got a full dose of AZT. I'm back and healthier than ever!!!!

I apologize to all of my readers with AIDs that I might have offended with this post.