As I type this, Jon Cryer is literally crying in a darkened room. Previously known as a poor-man's Matthew Broderick, until recently John Cryer's career could be summed up by his most notable role; playing the guy that was even less-appealing than Andrew McCarthy.
So while all the gossip pages are focusing on the nuclear crater that is Charley Sheen, everyone seems to have forgotten about the real victim here, Jonathan Niven Cryer. Poor bastard, just when things were looking up too....
Skip: You see that state? Barry: Huh Skip: Libya. It is a mess over there. Barry: Yeah Skip: They may get it all straight, but even then, not like I want to go to Egypt. Barry: Oh? Skip: I have a friend who just went to China. Such a long flight. Barry: Yeah Skip: You want to see Chinese, just go to a laundry in the Bronx. I have to go put my slacks on. Barry: Bye
Skip: I kinda want to bang the girl from Parks and Recreation. Barry: Which one? Skip: The one that was also in Funny People. Aubrey Plaza. She's like half Puerto Rican, but in a good way. Barry: Amazing line
I would assume this is half Puerto Rican in a bad way:
Look here for more amazing conversations with Skip Dickford in the weeks to come.
I bet you didn't know this, but women be crazy. It's a fact, look it up... or just accept the examples offered by the good people at The Slomin's Shield.
It's no secret that ads typically distort the facts in order to move product, but I guess when you're trying to sell a home security system with as jewey a name as "The Slomin's Shield" you gotta pull out the big guns, and there is no gun bigger than a crazy-ass woman, am I right?
In the first ad, we're introduced to a couple who think their house has been robbed, nothing out of the ordinary until we get to see the alternate ending where it turns out that it was the neighbor's house that got robbed.
Apparently life with the Slomin's Shield allows you to be a petty bitch that relishes the sense of superiority and schadenfreude that result from seeing your neighbors get robbed. Did you notice how she turned on a dime from being worried about her precious stuff to rolling her eyes and saying "I told you so" about the neighbor?
Next up is the same couple except this time, they flipped the text. Here we're told that unless you get the Slomin's Shield your wife is gonna be nothing but an angry harpie buzz-kill that won't let you leave the house.
Notice that look she shoots him when he tries to suggest something fun? Shrinkage. So where the first ad seemed to be marketed toward the women by saying "If you get the Slomin's Shield you can be a real bitch", the second seems to be targeted toward the men with the message that "If you get the Slomin's Shield, your wife will stop being a real bitch". Either way you cut it, Slomin's thinks women are bitches.
Just check this final ad out, in both instances the woman is a chicken-headed mess. The only difference is that when you have the Slomin's Shield, you can pretty much tell your wife to shut the fuck up and chill out...
Really, the only thing missing from his reaction to her concern was him calling her a dumb broad when he orders her to go back to sleep (after she takes her ass downstairs to make him a sandwich of course).
Has anyone noticed how Russia produces nothing but insane tennis players and super models? I am now 100% convinced that we can attribute this growth spurt in hotness and athleticism to radiation poisoning. I have nothing to go on but science when I say this. I can prove my hypothesis with the help of American scientist Bruce Banner. First he was weak and not athletic, then he got a very large dose of gamma rays and suddenly he's ripped and in my opinion very handsome. I think I can say case closed but if for some reason you do not think my findings are accurate I present to you all the proof you need in the form of Ирина Шайхлисламова. She is on the cover of the new Sport's Illustrated swimsuit issue. I would not make her angry if I were you.
I swear I read on my iPad while pooping that the Huffington Post was sold for $315 million to AOL. Now I don't want to tell Mr. AOL how to do his business, but he could have had The Barry Rides for half that. I mean the content is just about the same. Both are run by people who know nothing about politics. I don't really see a difference. I need to put together a business plan to sell this blog for the next time Compuserve calls me regarding that that fourteen year old delinquent bill. I feel a windfall coming my way.
I was walking through my office parking lot today when I saw Connor MacLeod's broken down Mitsubishi Montero languishing in the sun. I knew the economy was bad, but I didn't know it was this bad. I have to assume the "one" lost his vast fortune with Bernie Madoff. There can be no other explanation for him driving such a shitbox. I mean even a regular bank account earning half a percent has to be worth millions after a few hundred years. He should have at least enough money to buy a Nissan or a Honda by now.
OK, so this didn't play out as we initially planned. Since neither Barry nor I have have ever had any trouble losing a significant other and since we can't realistically suggest actually becoming either of us, we're at a loss when trying to come up with ways of how to make yourself repellent to the opposite sex.
That said, here's a suggestion that's been kicking around my head for awhile, fake diarrhea.
You see, years ago I came up with the idea that I wanted to take a can of Hormel® Chili into a bar that had a one-toilet bathroom, and dump the chili all over over the toilet seat and bowl so that it looked like some scumbag crapped all over the place. Sure that sounds awful, but the zinger was that I wanted to then smear some of the chili on the inside doorknob of the bathroom so that when someone, confronted with this abomination, tried to flee in disgust with this horrific image still burnt in their mind, would end up grabbing what they thought was a doorknob full of anonymous feces. Sure, some of you will debate whether a hand full of Hormel® Chili is worse than one full of excrement, but at least the FDA has deemed the chili to be safe for human contact (this may change after the recent laws that strengthen the FDA's purview).
Anyway, I think a strategically spilled can of chili can solve the boyfriend issue. After all, you be the judge....
