Barry's post about the Deuce Candle got me thinking about some of the other business ideas that we've been kicking around at TheBarryRides and since it's January 1st, I'd like to suggest a New Year's resolution for the readers of this blog; I think it's time you went Green.
We've all heard Al Gore tell us about the trees and the polar bears, fuck 'em. I've got a better reason for why you should make going green this year's goal: the sense of superiority it gives you over other people.
I can't tell you how good it feels to stand in the check out line of my grocery store and scowl at the other shoppers as they pack their high fructose corn syrup-based soft drinks into their plastic bags. When the check out person asks "paper or plastic" I love to smugly say, "Oh no, I've got my own", and let me tell you, it's a doozie; a fair-trade, unbleached canvas number with a recycled logo on the side - just in case one of those dumb animals at the store didn't get the hint that I love the environment. Sometimes, I even carry a yoga mat around in it and drink water from an aluminum canister that I've attached to the strap with a carabiner. However, the problem I've became faced with is; how can I find a way for people like me to enjoy this rush of superiority even when we're not at the grocery store. Sure there are other things I do; I buy packages of compact fluorescent bulbs so I can be seen throwing them out by my neighbors, and I bought a Civic Hybrid badge on craigslist that I've attached to my car's trunk panel so it looks like I drive a low emissions vehicle, but that's small time, I wanted something that really screams "I'm better than you" to my neighbors and fellow community members. Then it dawned on me, and I'm willing to let you all in on the ground floor of this: Fake Solar Panels.
BOOM, that sound you just heard was you cuming in your pants.
Think about how righteous you could be if you had solar panels on your house. Sure your neighbor just used Obama's tax credits to put weather-stripping on their windows, or new storm doors, or some shit, but come on, really? You've got fucking solar panels on your roof! That's like having Ed Begley Jr blow you during the Superbowl Halftime show. The problem has always been that solar panels are really expensive, and while they may elevate your social status, the cost hasn't yet justified the return as it relates to holier-than-thou superiority - until now. What I'm proposing is a super-realistic facsimile of a solar panel, except that it's made out of cardboard and that it actually does nothing except convey the sort of self-contentedness that could only be previously obtained by riding shotgun in Sean Penn's Katrina rowboat.
There it is, let The Barry Rides climb up on your roof, so you can climb up on your high horse. So lets hear it for 2011-
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