Lotto time

It has come to my attention that the current lotto jackpot is $140 million. With a payout that high I feel justified in fantasizing about all the evil things I will make my friends do for money when I win. Sadly though, my dreams of making people eat poop have been trumped by Jake's plan for me if he wins. As of two days ago, if Jake wins his plan is to make me get a full back tattoo of famous ventriloquist dummies banging my mom.

The best part is I don't think he plans to pay me to get the tattoo. I think he is going to use his new financial resources to make me get it.

Thankfully I am going to win so I have nothing to worry about.

Breaking the law old school

I will be the first to admit I text while driving. It is like a sickness. I rather use my fat Mickey Mouse hands to type idiotic messages when I should be looking at the road than actually have to hear another human's voice. It's just one more way for me to really feel connected with my iPhone. Don't judge me. Anyway, I was driving while texting the other day when I looked up right before crashing to see a guy in another car reading a magazine while driving. I really have to commend this guy. He had the magazine in one hand and the wheel in the other. I could see his eyes darting from the byline to the traffic (me) in front of him. It was like he almost crashed into me from the past. He is the last hold out to text while driving, sort of like I am the last hold out to join facebook. He is my hero of the day.

Who you trying to get crazy with, don't you know I'm loko?

6 cans of beer + 5 cups of coffee = Awesome

James Bond had the martini, Hemingway supposedly enjoyed mojitos. This sophisticated gentleman seems to prefer a cool can of Four Loko.

I just read that police in Washington state busted up a college party where several kids had to be hospitalized. Initially, the cops thought that the kids had been given roofies, but it turns out they were just drinking Four Loko. Apparently, college kids call this stuff "Blackout in a Can" because it offers all the alcohol of a six-pack plus all the caffeine of 5 cups of coffee.

Personally, I've never tasted the stuff, but fortunately I live in a marginal neighborhood where I'm sure it's available in one of the local bodegas that sell expired milk and generic cat food. Now the only question is whether to go with Grape or Watermelon.

Welcome to another edition of Thunderdome...

A friend of mine had a colonoscopy today and told me that after the procedure he was put in "the fart room". Apparently, in order to get the camera up your ass and get a clear picture, they have to fill your colon with air. Then, when everything's done they stick you in a dedicated fart room so you can purge all the air out of your intestines. The way my friend described it sounded surreal, since they sedate you beforehand, you find yourself waking up alone in a half stupor listening to your own prolonged farts with your pants around your knees.

The funny thing is, today I went to a new Korean fried-chicken place in my neighborhood and had the same experience.

Posting Sucks

I have lost total interest in posting. I am waiting for the next great thing to arrive. Facebook, Twitter, it all has been done. I am thinking maybe something like I poop into a old style rotary phone and the phone translates the poop texture into words that get sent over the interweb. Man, that is some serial killer shit. In any event today you must pay tribute to me because thirty five years ago at this exact moment I was born.

Feel free to send gifts via paypal.

Am I the only one that paid attention to The Terminator?

Today, the New York Times reported that students at Carnegie Mellon have built a computer that goes out on the internet and teaches itself how to learn. Are you fucking kidding me? Didn't anyone pay any attention to the plot of the Terminator, because if I remember correctly, this is exactly how it fucking happened!

Also, maybe I'm a little old fashioned, but if we're gonna just hand the keys over to our future overlords, maybe we want them to be educated by something other than the internet? After all, wasn't it the internet that gave us "2 Girls, 1 Cup" and Chocolate Rain.

(Ok, I might be able to deal with being plugged in Matrix-style in order to support the future works of the Chocolate Rain dude)

Somehow, I fear that this sort of thing, is not going to be the part of the internet that informs the objectives of our new computer masters.