Fuck you

Yeah, you. The person reading this. You wanna know why? Because you never leave any goddamn comments. Scroll down and look at the sidebar and you'll find a Sitemeter thing that displays our daily traffic. Yeah that's right, 4,900+.

So I fail to understand why, despite the fact that we gain new readers every single day (don't believe me? check the sitemeter tomorrow and there will be at least 7 or 8 more than we had today), almost all of you refuse to show your appreciation by commenting. The only people who leave comments are myself, Jake, Barry, and Barry's brother Louis. This is bullshit and must end. If you fags won't cooperate, I'll fucking MAKE you.

Arbeit Macht Frei

Has anyone seen those PETA videos of the industrial farm chickens that are bred to grow so much breast meat that they can no longer stand? They stumble around until they fall down in their own waste (I type this while eating a bucket of KFC). These chickens are preferable because consumers buy more breast meat.

A friend of mine was recently telling me about a performance review with her boss where she was given some feedback about how she could improve her assent up the corporate ladder. When she explained that she was perfectly happy where she was, her boss was astounded.

The Barry Rides takes over the Fast and Furious Franchise

I am happy to announce that The Barry Rides has gotten an imaginary contract to pen six new Fast and Furious movies. We will be starting with the forth in the franchise and working our way through number ten. Some of you may be aware of the fact that number four has already been released, but we are pretty confident that once you see our version you will be happy we redid it. I don't want to take anything away from the originals, so please see ours as a re-imagining and less of a redo. Interesting thing about our contract, all writing will be done by Jake and one of prerequisites to him putting pen to paper is that he takes an Ambien before he actually starts. I figure the first script will have a Buick Grand National, Vin Diesel, cinnamon toast, and maybe a chase scene through a Costco all within the first five minutes.

I am also happy to announce that you won't have to wait for the movie to be released in theaters to know what happens. Jake is planning to use the blog to write the script.

2010 is going to be awesome!

Ron Livingston is gay

At least according to one anonymous person who has Mr. Livingston's panties in a bunch.

It turns out that, despite Livingston's somewhat convincing denials that he is a homosexual, his Wikipedia page keeps insisting that he is one. Apparently someone keeps re-posting this information after each attempt by Livingston's agent to suppress it. This indisputable fact has led him to file a lawsuit against the alleged individual, and also marry a woman.

Barry Rides operatives have conducted an extensive investigation of Mr. Livingston, and have discovered that a Google search for "Ron Livingston is not a fag" returns a mere 3,080 results, while a search for "Ron Livingston is a fag" yields a commanding 789,000 results. On top of this, Yahoo Answers has gone on the record confirming these data.

Nevertheless, we at The Barry Rides feel that Ron Livingston is simply an innocent heterosexual who has been tricked into living a deviant lifestyle by the evil Boss Spider attached to his brain*.

*see pic

I porked Betty White

I was picking up a couple of tall boys the other day when this old bitch got in my face. Apparently I took the last Miller High Life six pack. We almost threw down, but then we both realized we could share the beer. I woke up six hours later in the Los Angeles zoo with a sore ass and an empty wallet. Damn you, Rose Nylund!!!

Hanukkah plus Yom Kippur = super holiday

So my brother wants to start a new religion and he has chosen me as one of the scribes. Not really, but I am going to pretend he wants me to write down his thoughts. This new religion will be just like Judaism, but there will be some subtle differences. For example, there will be no women allowed in this time. You really can't hate Jewish women if there are none (wow I really wrote that.) Another change that is really the reason for this post is how The menorah will now be eight Yahrzeit candles. Each day of Hanukkah, my brother, the supreme ruler of the the New Jewish Order will light a candle for someone he wishes was dead. Sure it sounds crazy now, but if I told you 75 years ago there would be people worshiping a guy who wrote bad science fiction books you would have thought I was out of my mind too. Let's talk in a few years.

This Just In...

It is being reported that a Richard Gere robot was recently admitted to the robot hospital in order to have a Zhu Zhu Pet removed from his rectum.

Rectum? Damn near killed him....

Freedom isn't free, but Lewis is willing to pay your share

When I am driving and I see a black man crossing the street do I pray that my doors are locked? Absolutely!
When I see a gay man shopping at Macy's, do I instinctively want to run out of the store because I assume he wants to rape me? Yep!
When I see a Puerto Rican man smiling, do I assume he just came from a wilding? Come on. You know the answer.

The point I am trying to make other than a gay black Puerto Rican scares me is that I might have these thoughts, but I rarely act on them. That is where my brother the American comes in. He is doing the job we are too scared to do. Recently he pulled into the parking garage of his over priced gym to find a Muslim man kneeling on a mat facing Mecca chanting something in tongues. He was given a hard choice as he got out of his Mercedes. Does he go workout and ignore the religious man or does he call security to report the terrorist who just planted a bomb and then work out. I think we all know that Lewis made the right choice.

I am not exactly sure what happened next as my brother was running an 8 minute mile but I would like to believe I am safe right now because of his diligence.

Amanda Knox: The Lifetime Biopic

True story: back in the late 1990's my family had an older guy working for us as a salesman. He was a real broken down sort of Willy Loman type that would always carry a handkerchief around that he would hock phlegm into. Well after some time, it became clear that things weren't working and we let him go. No big deal, not even worth mentioning except...

A couple weeks after he was fired, a package arrived at the office addressed to our company, care of our former employee. Since it was addressed to us, I opened the package only to find a home-made looking VHS cassette with a plain white label that read: "FJ 5". Included in the package was a letter addressed to our former employee, written on plain white paper, that apologized for a defective cassette and offered the enclosed cassette as a replacement. It went on to say that the letter could be used as a coupon for discounts on future "FJ" cassettes and thanked him for his patronage. Intrigued, I took the cassette upstairs and popped it into the VCR only to get my first glimpse of hardcore foot fetish porn.

Set aside from the fact that only a complete sociopath would have this sort of stuff sent to their place of employment, what astonished me about this whole thing, was the fact that this sort of stuff existed. Up until this point I'd seen plenty of pornography, but nothing like this. You have to remember, this was the 1990's, pre-internet porn, the craziest stuff in the mainstream was Hustler, and I don't think they were even showing penetration yet. Here I was watching a guy fuck a woman's feet, the only way someone could come across this sort of stuff was either in Amsterdam or hanging out in the back of that white van parked behind 7-11. It was shocking, sort of like the opening of Blue Velvet where a camera pans through a Norman Rockwell type scene, and ultimately settling on the ants and beetles fighting under the grass. Something creepy was going on under the surface.

But those were simpler times, before the wave of sex machines, thai lady-boys, felching, bukkake, and gapers engulfed the internet. Fast forward 10 years, and the days of soft-core porn now glow with a certain naive nostalgia once reserved for episodes of Happy Days or egg creams (search egg cream on a porn site and you'll find something completely different from what Fonzie used to order at Al's). Anyhow, I'm digressing....

Today, I read that Amanda Knox, the American college student, was sentenced to 26 years in an Italian prison for a murder/sex crime that she and her boyfriend did to her roommate. And I'm pleased to say that when I read about their freaky sex/snuff scene, I was a little shocked...



BTW: I hear they cast Wycleff Jean, Elisha Cuthbert, and Harry Potter to star in the biopic. I'm gonna watch it with a belt around my neck so I can choke myself while they get it on!!!