Nuge Monkey

Okay don't get me wrong. Ted Nugent is incredible with a guitar. Insanely gifted, no doubt about it. But much like the unfortunate Sean Penn, he is such an utter and uncompromising douchebag that my admiration for him as an artist has been overpowered, and replaced with a contempt that is as piercing and true as that gay look on his face right here.

The strange thing is I agree with him on most issues, it's just that he's such a fucking tool. He wears American flag shirts and acts like he's some kind of spec-ops combat veteran. He hunts animals in a fenced-off pen and brags about it. He is a spokesman for D.A.R.E. He lifts both of his fists into the air at his concerts and yells "Freedom!!". Why? Who the fuck knows.

Last week he managed to top all of his previous douchebaggery with an astonishingly bad op-ed for the Waco Tribune. In it, he gives props to the Navy SEALs who ended the recent pirate standoff, then goes on to explain that he is basically as badass as they are. In fact, he details his own hypothetical scenario in which he is a salty merchant sea-captain sailing through pirate-infested waters with a crew of heavily armed "snipers" who are also for some reason "jacks of all trades". Why? Again, who the fuck knows.

Here are some actual excerpts from Ted Nugent's article, to maybe give some insight into why I hope he slips and falls head-first into a bear trap:

(keep in mind that this is a merchant ship delivering wheat or semiconductors or some shit)

"Each man under my command has his own M16 and 2,000 rounds of ammo. Every third sailor is also equipped with a standard M37 grenade launcher attached to his M16 with a gross of grenades."

"We have diligently trained to keep a 10-man rotating 24-hour red alert watch detail. Any vessel approaching within 1,000 yards will trigger an “all hands on deck” alarm and the firing of one 20-round burst."

He then goes on to explain that if the other "vessel" is foolhardy enough not to immediately "turn back", irrespective of who they are, and why they're approaching, that he will "literally blow [them] out of the water". You've been warned, French Naval Destroyers. But the best part is his ominous warning to Somali pirates whom he will never, ever, under any circumstances ever see or encounter:

"Keep your little terrorist dinghy at home, boys, or I will turn you into shark food. Bon voyage."

That's great, Captain Nuge. Maybe that threat will be enough to frighten the pirates of the world into shutting down operations altogether. But maybe (and I think probably), you are just an elderly, deluded, pampered millionaire celebrity with more time than calluses on his hands, and whose revenge fantasies actually make mine from middle school seem mature by comparison. And that even includes the one where I got pushed against a locker by Brian Thomlinson, then decapitated him with a Dragon Punch and fingered his girlfriend.