Old People

I am walking Monkey (the dog) down the street as an elderly couple approaches holding hands. It was like one of those commercials for a Diamond is Forever. As they get close I catch a bit of the conversation:

Elderly Man: When I was a boy my mom would make spaghetti with meat sauce, sometimes she even made sloppy joes.
Elderly Woman: What a cute dog!

The couple release their hands to walk around me and said dog. As the couple separates, the woman lets out a thunderous fart. Nothing more is said. They re-embrace as they pass me.

A fart is forever!

If it bleeds, we can kill it

So I am sitting at the bar at Mozza when I look over and see Sanaa Lathan sitting right next to my brother. For those who don't know, Sanaa was in one of the greatest movies of all time, Alien Vs. Predator. After a few awkward moments of staring, I was sure enough to let my brother in on my vast useless knowledge. Without missing a beat, he asks Sanaa if she was indeed in the movie. Once she confirmed her identity the conversation took a weird turn. Instead of talking about how she became good friends with the predator, Scar, and saved the earth, we talked about what restaurants to visit in LA. Nishimura was at the top of my list.

**My one regret is not commending her on her performance as an organ stealer married to Larry Hagman on Nip/Tuck. Maybe next time.

New Interesting Facts

I would never bang a hooker because I would think the whole transaction would be patronizing.

I had a dream that Christie Brinkley was Jennifer Lopez's mother

My brother is in the process of writing the Holocaust Two - the Musical

I gave a friend career advice yesterday that worked.

I really want a drill press

Writing lists like this makes me a super douche.

Economy Worsens - No more Korean Facials

Korean Facials has to be a porn title. Let me look. I cheated and typed Korean Facial Porn into google to get these amazing results. Sadly, I am not talking about that kind of facial. I am talking about the kind where I go to old town Torrance and have a Jehovah's Witness rub my face while telling me that the males of all species are better looking than the females. The Peacock was the example that proved her hypothesis.

I am one handsome Peacock. Watch me strut.
Picture taken while I was compromised!

Observation with regards to the economy

There was a homeless man eating a container of peanut butter outside my local supermarket last night. What's odd about that, you ask? He was dressed in the following:
Magnum P.I. short shorts
Torn Huarache Sandals
Navy Blazer with gold buttons

The best part is I caught a bit of his conversation with what I can only assume used to be the president of Cannon Films.

"I would have been gay for Robert Conrad from The Wild Wild West show. He was a handsome man."

Awesome!

Neurosis - One man's struggle with a permanent marker

As the day went on the paranoia about a heart attack became acute. I drew a line on my arm. I figured if the bruise/clot made it that far, death was imminent. Alas the bruise never moved. Maybe next time.

Fear of pleated pants and blood clots

It has been a rough week for my company. There was a layoff and I honestly can say I don't wish being jobless on anyone right now. By anyone I am really referring to myself. Whereas some people with OCD have an insane fear of prison I have an insane fear of going to work at some big corporation. Can you picture the horror? I am wearing tan pleated dockers with a sweet cuff. Just to finish the pants off we will say they are an inch too short. I go to sleep dreaming that the following morning I will wake up working IT in some cube surrounded by Patels. No offense my Indian brothers. I must do everything in my power to make sure that never happens.


Oh and I have a weird bruise on my left arm this morning. Fear of a heart attack is also in the cards for the day. Happy Friday!!

The George Costanza Conundrum

Dear George

I have a friend that I always break plans with. Tomorrow I am supposed to go with him somewhere but I seriously want to cancel. It has nothing to do with him. I just don't feel like going. I know he is waiting for the call where I say, "I am OUT!!!" So the question is do I go to prove him wrong.

Sincerely,
Barry - a flakey friend

Dear Barry,

This reminds me of the time I was desperately trying to get out of a relationship but I refused to break up with the girl just to prove her and her friends wrong about me. They kept telling her, he won't commit, he will break your heart, blah, blah, blah. They were right, but do you think I was going to let them know that. I stayed in that relationship until the whole episode was over. Was it because I loved her? No! Was it because I was paid a boat load of cash to be on a hit sitcom? No! I stayed in that relationship purely out of spite for her and her friends.

In closing, Barry, don't tell your friend you don't want to go. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing what kind of person you are. Instead make being around you soo miserable that he will bail on you. This way he is the bad guy.

Sincerely,
George - It isn't a lie if you believe it is true.

Last Chance to Vote!

Do you really want to tell him you didn't vote!!



Barack and McCain will clearly be sent to the Phantom Zone!!!

Shopping at the drug store

You would think there would have been at least one guy with his collar up in this aisle.

*Picture taken in Rite-Aid