Weekend List

My friend Jake came out to Los Angeles for the weekend. I think if I was ever to truly use my writing abilities for evil he would help me bury the bodies. Here are some of the highlights of our weekend conversations:

1. There is nothing worse than cutting into a baked potato that isn't cooked, not even the Holocaust.
2. You need lots of upper lip real estate to grow a proper 'stache.
3. If you are a child sized man, the only appropriate job is being a jockey.
4. Hanging Brain - great term
5. Quincy Jones would had to have fucked a Polar Bear to have a daughter as white as Karen.
6. Idea for a script - Jarred from Subway falls off the wagon and becomes fat again.
7. It should only take a week to get over being in a wheel chair.8. Syphilis will make you happy.9. Need to set up a living funeral to see how people remember me. Buy good coffin.10. A bed at Camp Harlam is more comfortable than the shitty box I got my dad.11. Idea for a cook book - One Wipe Deuce Cook Book. All recipes result in shits that only require one wipe.12. Need to somehow be friends with Andre the Giant before he died.13. Who would you rather be Clint Eastwood or Burt Reynolds circa 1978?14. Start letter writing campaign to get Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run action figures made.15. Why isn't there a channel dedicated to Ninjas? 24-7 Ninja Movies.16. Need a Syrup Wench whenever I am eating pancakes. She will do the pouring.17. The fatter the Jon Favreau the better the movie. The Favreau Principle:

• Rudy (fat) = Good
• Elf (fat) = Good
• Friends (thin) = Bad
• Made (not sure)= Draw
• Armageddon = Not sure if he was in it. More research to come.
• The Break-Up (fat) = He was good but the movie sucked which leads to the Vaughn variable.
• Vaughn Variable - If you add Vaughn to a Favreau movie his weight must be in precise opposition to Favreau's in order for the movie to do well.
• Thin + Fat = Good - no example at this time
  
• Fat + Fat = Bad - no example needed
  

18. The Break-Up stopped being funny an hour into it.
19. Being awake is for chumps.
20. There should be a test to see if someone is stupid. Its called an IQ exam idiot.
21. I am sorry miss but we can't let you through security because you are carrying huge bombs.

So that's is it. Some of it might make sense. Some might not. I will be teaching a class at UCLA this fall on the Favreau principle for those that are interested.