The Stench of Unemployment

Being unemployed has been a time of revelation for me. A time where I have grown to learn certain truths about myself. And let me tell you the truth hurts or in this case stinks. First I came to the realization that no matter how hard I try or how much Rogaine I use, as a thirty-six year old man, I will never be able to grow a beard. Fantasies about having facial hair so thick and luxurious that I would have to use heavy condition to get a comb through it were dashed as I hit the three week mark without shaving and all I had was three whiskers growing out of my chin like an old lady reading tarot cards at the Santa Monica pier. When the pain subsided from my lack of testosterone, I tried to make up for it by getting in not one, but two fights. Both have been detailed here so I won't bore you with the details. Sure I kicked some ass, but really should I bring up the fact I am thirty-six again. I am too old to get in fights but too young to grow a full beard. Tragic.

Life is hard and my latest revelation might be the toughest yet. When I lost my job and decided to no longer live by the rules of society, I threw out my antiperspirant with my razor. I figured if I didn't have a job why should I give myself Alzheimer's any faster than nature intended. I was treating myself right. At first I didn't see any adverse affects. In fact it all seemed good. My shirts no longer had crusty yellow pits that the aluminum in antiperspirant caused and I was no longer soaking wet because I put ten times the recommended amount on each pit. It seemed like a win win. Sadly I was very wrong. Within a few days I noticed I smelled a bit pungent, but not overly offensive. I carried the odor of an old person walking briskly through the mall. In the course of a month however that all changed.

There is no good way to describe it so I will just be honest. I think I just went through my second puberty. My armpits smell like the crap that is left in a pipe after you smoke a bowl. I don't get it. My diet hasn't changed other than the enormous amount of granola I seem to be consuming on a daily basis. It's like my showers don't take. Is this what my ancestors smelled like back in the old country when they labored all day? By old country I am of course referring to the Bronx and by labored I mean worked in jewelry stores.  I digress. The most alarming part is my left pit smells ten times worse than the right. I should ask my doctor to ultrasound my pits now that I know my thyroid is clear. Anyway I just figured I would share my latest in the long list of life altering events having no job has caused. If we hang out please don't judge me or sniff the air around me. It will make me feel self conscious.


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