I'm making juice Bitch!

I bought a juicer!
Not that piece of shit that Montel Williams is hawking on late-night TV, but a real deal, hippy wheatgrass juicer that I can make babyfood with.

Part of the reason for this is it's become clear to me that my body no longer gives a shit. I've never been one to eat well, or exercise much but up until recently, my body seemed to take care of itself no matter what sort of crap I decided to throw in it. Sadly those days are over. Looking forward, I see that unless I want to invest in a Rascal Scooter and a colostomy bag, I'm gonna have to be more proactive about my health, hence the juicer.

But more importantly, this isn't just some late 30's health crises, by going of the juice grid, I get to stick it to "big juice". Tropicana and Ocean Spray can go fuck themselves, now that I own an Omega 8003 they'll never see another one of my juice dollars. I can't tell you how good it feels to get their boot off my neck. No longer do I have to suffer under the tyranny of their fickle juice cocktail selections. Orange-Cranberry? Cran-Raspberry? Fuck that noise, this morning I juiced a pack of Fruit Stripe Gum, I could feel the fresh nutrients coursing through my veins.

I love my juicer, in fact, the only thing that feels better than drinking my own juice, is telling people how shitty their store-bought juice is. I can go on for hours telling friends about how the high fructose corn syrup in their "juice" is robbing them of the nutrients and enzymes that their bodies crave, while simultaneously making their asses fat. When that gets tired, I like to talk about how the petroleum footprint of their guava-mango cocktail is leading to the greenhouse gas crisis, while my home-juice supports local agriculture. Do you know what fresh wheatgrass tastes like? It tastes like victory... because if I tell you that I started my day with a fresh shot of wheatgrass you'll have no choice but to proclaim me a superior human in every sense of the word.