I've got thyroid cancer

Well not really, but here is my story about how I thought I had it.

After six months of stalling, I finally had my annual physical last week. I could say I stalled because I was afraid of what they might find floating around in my body or I could say I was far too busy being an unemployed sloth to have a doctor fondle my balls and tell me cough. Either excuse is acceptable in my book.

When I went in everything started off fine. The nurse took my height and weight. Only a two pound gain since the year before. So far so good. My height stayed the same. Also good. Blood pressure seems ok. I'm not going to stroke out thankfully. After the initial measurements, there were lots of questions about my eating and sleeping habits, and even a few about my bowel habits. Well I might have volunteered that info. After letting the doctor know she could learn more about my regularity via twitter, she began to poke and prod my body. Reflexes, breathing, mole check, and one test that seemed odd to me. My doc took her small hand and held my neck in some sort of kung fu hold while telling me to swallow repeatedly. She did this several times before the physical was over. After the final hernia check, I asked the doc what all the neck grabbing was about:

Doc

Oh, I felt a lump in your throat.

Barry

What?

Doc

You never noticed a growth on the right side?

Barry

No.

Doc

You are going to need to get an ultrasound.

Barry

Should I be worried?

Doc

Let's just get the results then discuss.

Now I have to wonder if I didn't ask would she have said you need an ultrasound? It seemed like an afterthought. The ultrasound was scheduled for 48 hours later so that gave me plenty of time to convince myself I was dying of thyroid cancer. Sure it's treatable. I know at least two Jewish girls who had it in their twenties and survived. I still figured mine would be the rare case that would kill me quickly, but not before stripping me of the little dignity I have by taking my hair. I am clearly not as tough as a Jewish girl.

By hour 47 I was in full panic. I went to the lab to get the ultrasound done and sweat was pouring out of my nose like never before. I figured that could be attributed to thyroid cancer as well. The technician had me lay down as she warmed up the gel for the wand. She then informed me that my doctor would get the results in three days. This made me turn white and sweat even more. I knew the technician would know right away how much time I had left. Why can't they just tell you right then and there? After about ten minutes of the wand being moved all over my neck (super gay), the test was over. As I was wiping the gel off my neck (also gay), the technician said to me, "I shouldn't tell you this, but you are going to be fine. It is just a clear cyst." I was beyond relieved. I have so much living to do. I've been given a second chance. I can't squander another minute. I am just kidding. I'm not going to do anything differently. Right after the test I took a nap and wasted the day.

Final note, why do I have a cyst in my neck? The doctor called me today and said it was nothing to concern myself about, but come on, she is clearly lying to make me feel better. In my medical opinion, there is no other explanation.


If anyone is actually reading this, it's time to rejoice. I am back to blogging.