Heir Apparent

If you've been following the news lately, you've probably read that the producers of South Park censored a recent episode after being threatened by a domestic Muslim group called Revolution Muslim (sweet name). The implications of this sort of coersion are very serious, not only for nationally aired satire shows like South Park, but for the Barry Rides community as well. Particularly when one considers that Barry works in the same building as the South Park creators.

So, since Barry's probably got a week or so left before a plane crashes into his cubicle, I figured now's as good as ever to let you all know that I'll be the new editor-in-chief of The Barry Jake Rides. Beginning next week, I'll be accepting internship applications.

Below is an image of what Barry's last few minutes on Earth will probably look like*.



*This is not to imply that Barry will necessarily be killed by the Libyan Nationalists from Back to the Future, but he is certain to have Parkinson's.

The end is nigh

Anyone see the movie 2012? Unless you've recently been on a flight, probably not, since only the mentally retarded would voluntarily sit through that dreck*.

It's a shame too, because while the movie sucked, it provided valuable clues regarding the human race's imminent demise. The movie's plot is basically "OH NO, THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE, RUN AWAY!!!" and while there have been many natural disaster films in the past, I think this one may be coming true. The basic premise is that billions of years ago, the Mayans predicted that the world would end once we elected a black president. For your consideration:

Point #1: It's almost 2012. While the major action in the film takes place in 2012 over the course of a week or so, I believe the recent increase in volcanic/earthquake-ic activity is a clear sign that the shit's in the mail. Keep in mind, the Mayans were mexican and didn't have calculators, so you can't fault them if they were off by a year or two.

Point #2: Volcanos and Earthquakes are fucking shit up like a bastard. Haiti, South America, California, China, Iceland - anyone see a pattern here? The USGS tracks these things on this map. Bottom line, we're fucked.

Point #3: John Cusack is fat. In the movie, the normally fit Cusack is replaced with a fat Cusack, or Fatsack. This may not seem important to the layperson, but anyone familiar with geology knows that this means the plate tectonics are all messed up (something to do with the sedimentary rock formations I believe).

Point #4: Black president. It's been proven before that when America has a black president, all sorts of crazy shit happens (Deep Impact, Idiocracy, 24, The Fifth Element). Well guess what....

So there you have it, incontrovertible proof that the world is coming to an end. I'd say you should check the movie out to see what you can do to save yourself, but getting swallowed up by a volcano may be less painful. Your call.


*The Barry Rides wishes to apologize to its large and loyal retarded readership, no offense was intended by suggesting that you'd enjoy the film 2012.

Why Coco, why?

I understand the need to share useless knowledge and I understand how pseudo-celebrities crave attention but I honestly think Coco has gone too far. Its one thing to have some random camera man from TMZ jump out of the bushes and take a picture of you getting your ninja foot waxed, it is another to take the picture yourself and post it for the whole world to see. Coco, this is just sad. What are you going to do next, take a photo of a shit crowning? I feel bad for Ice-Tea, he leaves the house to film an episode of Law and Order - Gangster Edition, and you end up shaming him. It might be time to beat a bitch (just my opinion).


Terrible

New Layout

You might have noticed some things have shifted around on the blog. I am going for a new look. One that is more friendly to blacks and Jews alike. I hope you like it.

Bum Fights

Whatever happened to bum fights? I sort of remember wanting to order volumes 1 thru 5 on VHS. The only reason I ask is because I just remembered Jake used to tell me that he wanted to jerk off while watching bums fuck make sweet love to my mother. I would say Jake is a sick man, but honestly he might be a genius.

*Note to self, get down to the copyright office and apply for a patent on Homeless Porn!!!

I am going to be rich!!!

I'm back

Thanks for the outpouring of concern. I know you were all worried. Listen to what happened. I was in the middle of an intense game of Simon when I fell into my freezer while trying to simultaneously press red, red, blue, green, and get a frozen snickers bar. Before I knew it the door slammed shut and I was frozen in position. Thankfully the power went out last night and I was able to thaw. Now was it blue, blue, red green, or red, red blue, yellow? No matter. I am back and ready to make your minds explode.

He is Risen!

Jesus Christ, King of the Jews

Happy Easter from all of us 
at The Barry Rides!

Don't hate me because I'm Chosen..

JEW

In order to bump Randy's racist tirade from the top of the blog, I thought I'd write something that celebrates multiculturalism and highlights the point that we're not as different as we all may think. Since we're in the middle of Passover, the Jewish holiday that celebrates how God reigned 10 plagues down on everyone who wasn't Jewish, now is the perfect time to remind you readers that we're all equal (unless you're not Jewish, then you're shit, and you deserved the boils, blood, frogs, and smiting of the first born).