Look son, a faggot!

Obviously the father is pointing at Kim Jong Il, a Charlie that currently runs some shit starving-ass third world country in China or whatever. Mr. Il's navy apparently torpedoed and sank a South Korean ship this morning, possibly endangering our supply chain of cell phones and flat screens. He then warned the United States that if we threaten him in any way, and I shit you not, America will "fall victim to the unprecedented nuclear strikes of the invincible army".

The Barry Rides will not stand for this kind of unprovoked aggression.

We hereby submit the following open letter to Supreme Leader of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Kim Jong Il, and all the citizens of North Korea:

To Kim Jong Ching Chong and all the people of your stinky shitty country-

The Barry Rides will not tolerate this type of inflammatory rhetoric. Especially from a nation most of us cannot locate. You have awoken a mighty beast, and you will pay a devastating price for your stupid idiocy. You have unleashed forces that you cannot even begin to comprehend with your teeny tiny pea-brains, and you will regret the moment you made the ultimate mistake by insulting us. 

The Barry Rides hereby declares Ultimate and Total War against the nation of North Korea. Make no mistake, you have made the hugest mistake ever by provoking us, and you will be destroyed in the most spectacular and ruthless fashion in all the history of Mankind. We will rain hellfire down upon your fishlike heads, and put shit in your drinking water. We will enslave all of you, and force you to fight each other in Karate matches for our amusement. We will wipe our asses with your nicest towels and feign ignorance when confronted about it. We will bombard your self esteem with racist jokes.

If you surrender unconditionally within the next 24 hours we will only kill half of your first born sons and poison only two thirds of your rice. Regardless, you will suffer horrors that will make all other Chinese people of the world think twice about ever pissing us off in the slightest.

Sincerely,

Barry of The Barry Rides

Pump Station

My office recently built a special room where women can go, sit in privacy, hook up their computers, and use their personal breast pumps to produce milk for their children. I assume these women are supposed to be lactating, but I have never asked. Anyway, I was wondering would it be so wrong if I used this room to jerk off? These women go in there when their breasts get engorged to relieve the pressure. Well I have the same problem with my cock. I sit at my desk and sometimes it gets "full". Why can't I go in there with my computer for fifteen minutes (if I use the right hand) to have some release? It would make me more comfortable and relaxed so I can focus on work. I am really thinking about the company here. I don't see the difference between me whipping out my junk and stroking it and pulling out a boob and pumping the milk out. I can even use the same jars and put it in the fridge. I think I am going to ask my local HR representative what she thinks.

Choke On It

I was reading the New York Times food section the other day (because I'm classy and urbane) and I saw an article about how the new hip ingredient that everyone's getting into is rabbit and while that might turn some people off, it made perfect sense to me. You see, the simple fact is, when faced with a choice of what to eat, the easiest way to cut through the bullshit is to always eat the cuter animal. For your consideration:



Cows are pretty damn tasty, and they can be pretty cute in a weird way, but you know what's better than beef? Veal. And you want to know why? It's cuter. I mean look at this thing...



Who wouldn't want to eat that? But I can go one further, lamb is even more delicious than veal, just look at this little fucker, my mouth is watering as I type this...



And with lamb you get to see this law in action. Think about the fact that the older and more haggerd a lamb gets, the tougher and more gamey it's meat becomes. Who wants to eat this thing?



So yeah, when I read about restaurants adding cute little bunnies to their menus I don't get outraged or grossed out, I make a reservation. I say fuck it, why stop with the usual farm-type animals, I bet Panda is the most delicious thing on earth, I want to eat one with some BBQ sauce. Imagine what a sea otter must taste like when it uses its tiny little paws to smash open mussel shells with river stones, so cute. Genie pops out of a bottle and asks me what I want to eat? Raven Symone circa 1989 with a can of orange slice.



That's my death-row meal.

Giving back

I just had a dream I was doing community service in Hermosa Beach. I guess it's possible since odds are I will eventually be arrested for the 63 simultaneous crimes against nature I just committed. Funny enough, the police from Reno 911 were in charge of my community service. Deputy S. Jones was my case officer. I drove around in his cruiser to avoid doing any real work. Dreams are great!