Bye, Hat

Today I said goodbye to a my Mini Cooper. His nickname was 'The Hat' because his roof rack kind of looked like a hat, or at least it did in my mind. He will be missed. I hate change.

Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free

Even though I like my current job (he says as he fears co-workers read his blog), I still dream of being paid millons of dollars to write. My first script will be called the Cubeshank Redemption. I don't have all the details worked out but I am picturing a cross between Office Space, Shawshank Redemption, and Robocop. More details coming soon.

Intro to Screen Writing starting next Thursday at UCLA . . . so it begins.

Dirty Barry

You ever have the dream of owning a gun? You can be all tough and wip it out when a burgler breaks into your house. I always picture holding it sideways and saying to the would be perp, "This aint yo lucky day, bitch." I went to the gun range yesterday to see how hard I really was. After squeezing off a few rounds with a Glock, I realized not very. Usually, Jewish male and gun in the same sentence would be followed by "killed by." I now know why. Firing a 9mm pistol into a paper target is fucking hard. At twenty feet with one eye closed I was able to hit two lungs and a kidney (pure luck). At twenty-one feet I wasn't even able to hit the target. I left the gun range with a bloody left hand (think I caught my skin of my hand between the clip and gun). What a pussy.

Scared Straight

Today I was taking a very important lunch meeting at the Beverly Hills Hotel Coffee Shop. In the middle of my pitch to sell a tv show about how back hair is good for the environment to my waiter, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi walked in. It appears they wanted to have a meeting with my waiter as well. They pitched a story about a tuna salad and a turkey sandwich. I think it is going to be an animated short, but I could be wrong. In any event when I left, Porita and I locked eyes for what felt like an eternity. In the next couple of weeks don't be surprised if you read in People magazine that Portia has left Ellen. I think I turned her.

Apology

I wanted to apologize for my lack of posts lately. In my defense I hope you all realize that these things don't just come out of nowhere. Each post is hand crafted in my mind. Early on in the writing process, I select the best of the young posts and reserve them for this blog. As the posts develop, they are constantly examined and evaluated to ensure they are maturing as expected. My posts are aged longer than most other posts. The additional aging gives the posts more richness, more mellowness, and more complexity. My posts are distintively different. My posts have more rye whiskey and use an exclusive batch base whiskey process. This additional rye gives my posts a more spicy, nutty top note, while the extra batch base increases its creamy smoothness.

Are you feeling the love?

I am out!!!

I am done with gossip sites. My day will no longer consist of scanning the following sites:
The Superficial
Perez Hilton
D Listed
I don't like you that way
Pop Sugar
Popoholic
X17Online
TMZ
Hollywood Tuna
Drunken Step Father

I can no longer read this shit. How do we live in a world where Paris Hilton is free after three days?

BARNEY!!!!!!!!!!!

The gods spoke to me tonight. They said, "Barry, buy Fruity Pebbles. It is a good source of fiber." By gods, I mean the two homeless dudes outside Vons. In any event, they are right. It says so right on the box:

Sensible Solution
Good Source of Fiber
10 Essential Vitamins & Minerals

I just had my second bowl of the night!!!

Superhero Costume

Becoming Batman on a budget is tougher than I thought. I did however find some sweet gloves for when I start to kick ass. Currently they are called Tater Mitts, but I think once I buy a pair I can legally call them anything I want. Evil-doers beware!