Simple yet effective

Things I did last night

Popped my earthquake cherry

After being in Los Angeles for seven years I finally experienced an earthquake. I sat at my desk as the ground shook around me. I thought the floor was going to open for the devil to take me home. No such luck.

The best part of the earthquake was the fact that I didn't bother to go under my desk or in a door jam. I just stared up at the rattling track lighting above my head with a stupid grin on my face. Safety first I always say.

Sixty Days

Today we said goodbye to my brother's 1971 Mercedes 280 SL. Sixty days exactly. Some might say it lasted longer than expected. Some might say a valuable lesson was learned. I prefer to believe that like the Death Star there will be two in the evil empire's lifetime.

We await your triumphant return.

Long live the SL

Step Brothers hits close to home

I saw Step Brothers this past weekend. You would think the premise would be hard to believe. Two forty year old men living with their respective parents, suddenly thrust into living together when their parents wed. It was like a modern day Brady Bunch. I am not even sure it was more dysfunctional than the Brady Bunch. I mean in this version at least the siblings don't want to fuck. I might be wrong about that though. To get to the point I loved the movie. I find I enjoy movies, books, etc when I can relate to the subject matter because of my own life experiences. For example, when Will Ferrell puts his balls on John C. Reilly's drum set (yes, you see balls), it reminded me of the time my brother wiped his dick across the head of my Super Mario Brother's cartridge and told me that he cleansed it. If that didn't bring up feelings of nostalgia, the scene where Will Ferrell uses a bath mat to wipe his ass because he ran out of toilet paper certainly did. Hey, I did live with my brother for three months. Oh the memories. Drop what you are doing and go see the movie now. It will make you miss your siblings or at the very least you will have some weird desire to see Mary Steenburgen naked.

Thank you for being a friend.

I just poured some beer on the floor for one of my homies.

Sophia, you will be missed.

For my next trick . . .

I had the pleasure of seeing Ricky Jay perform last night with his 52 assistants. There is so much to say I don't know where to start. I guess I could start with the fact that my brother insisted I get to his place no later than 3pm for the 8pm show so that he would have ample time to eat his weekly meal at Pizzeria Mozza. "We must go now!!!", he screamed in a Ritalin rage. So off we went to eat pizza while my brother read a book at the table. God forbid there was a lull in the conversation. He must be entertained!!! We had a good two hours to kill after our very early bird dinner so we drove around LA for a bit admiring the mid century homes that neither of us would ever be able to afford. Once the ride was complete we parked in Westwood and walked over to the Geffen playhouse to watch Ricky Jay. I was really hoping he was going to do some amazing card tricks that involved cutting things in half with the ace of clubs or at the very least giving my brother a shave with the eight of diamonds. Amazingly the greatest trick happened before the show even started. I sat out front next to a beautiful fountain. As I stared down at the coins that obviously represented some poor sap's dreams, I heard a squawk from above. As I looked up at a seagull I was splashed by something hitting the water. Was it a dead rat? Of course not. It was a chicken wing from what I assume was Popeye's. I guess the bird realized he was eating his own so he decided to drop it down to me as an offering. I have been hit by bird shit before but never a deep fried wing. It must be good luck.

The show was great. Ricky Jay opened a new deck of cards and did every trick you could imagine a person with card skills would do. The highlight for me was when he asked my brother to pick a card and remember it so he later could pull it out of a shuffled deck. The fear on my brother's face was priceless. Shit, can I remember it? What if he calls me on stage? My pants -- they have no buttons!!

It was a great night. Check him out if you have time.

Ricky Jay/

The Dark Knight - a review

Can I believe a man could dress up in Kevlar and fight crime - Yes
Can I believe with the right money you could have a batmobile - Yes
Can I believe a man might wear make-up and be a sociopath - Yes
Can I believe that two men, one being horribly disfigured, could love Maggie Gyllenhaal - Absolutely not!

Damn Email Groups

Every two weeks I send an invoice to my company's accounts receivable department asking for payment for the stellar work that I do. I have done this roughly fourteen times without issue. After sending out an invoice last week, it came as a shock to me to receive responses regarding my mental aptitude/pay rate from multiple graphic artists at my company.

Apparently I sent the following email with an attached invoice (detailing my pay) to the entire company's creative department:

Hi Linda,
Please find attached my invoice for 7/1 - 7/15.

Do you think you will be paying invoices this week? I have two due now. This will be my third submitted. I would like to catch up so there is only one outstanding at a time.

Thanks

Barry

Right there is some of my finest work.

Blog not dead but resentful

This blog is not dead. I have been busy lately with my real job playing pick up games of basketball at the local park. I sit in the stands while my friend hustles the local players into letting the white rube play. It aint easy being this good.