So much in common

Today one of my co-workers who I normally don't talk to walked up to me and said, "Hey, Barry, I hear we have something in common." As soon as the statement was made I began to freak out. I have a guilty conscience. I immediately ran through all that we could have in common; stealing office supplies, cheating on taxes, banging his wife, etc, etc. Before I could squirm too long, he told me what it was. He said matter of factly, "I have an anal fissure and I hear you had one too." What an awesome thing to be known for in the work place. Yes it is true I did have an anal fissure a few years ago. I made some jokes about it at work so of course now everyone knows and thinks I am authority. I feel bad for the guy. It was the worst pain I have ever had in life. I gave him all the advice I could (doctor recommendation). Sadly I had to have surgery, but maybe he will get lucky and it will heal on its own. If you would like to learn more about my anal fissure adventures, click here.

Become an awesome lover with Soft Viagra

I have been getting inundated with emails lately regarding my prowess as a lover. I am not sure why but every email is for some soft form of medication. I assume they think I am an old man who either can't swallow or has no teeth. By using soft Viagra I can gum the pill until I have an erection.

This is the body of the email. I suggest not clicking the link:

From: Nacexo Riqeme
groups.google.com/group/we859dm7/web/gr5s

The new group of potential mercenaries had diverse specialties. Some were proficient at hand-to-hand combat against the thinking machines; others had developed more esoteric sabotage or destruction skills. All of them, though, were useful additions in the age-old struggle against Omnius.

I am beyond confused about the text. What does soft Viagra have to do with mercenaries?

Eye Twitch

For the past week my right eye has been quivering like it ate raw chicken. I have tried everything. Xanax, sleep, bananas for potassium, poking it with a finger, yet it still twitches. I have now decided it is time for a patch. I think it will make me look sophisticated.

Thoughts?

Simple yet effective

Things I did last night

Popped my earthquake cherry

After being in Los Angeles for seven years I finally experienced an earthquake. I sat at my desk as the ground shook around me. I thought the floor was going to open for the devil to take me home. No such luck.

The best part of the earthquake was the fact that I didn't bother to go under my desk or in a door jam. I just stared up at the rattling track lighting above my head with a stupid grin on my face. Safety first I always say.

Sixty Days

Today we said goodbye to my brother's 1971 Mercedes 280 SL. Sixty days exactly. Some might say it lasted longer than expected. Some might say a valuable lesson was learned. I prefer to believe that like the Death Star there will be two in the evil empire's lifetime.

We await your triumphant return.

Long live the SL

Step Brothers hits close to home

I saw Step Brothers this past weekend. You would think the premise would be hard to believe. Two forty year old men living with their respective parents, suddenly thrust into living together when their parents wed. It was like a modern day Brady Bunch. I am not even sure it was more dysfunctional than the Brady Bunch. I mean in this version at least the siblings don't want to fuck. I might be wrong about that though. To get to the point I loved the movie. I find I enjoy movies, books, etc when I can relate to the subject matter because of my own life experiences. For example, when Will Ferrell puts his balls on John C. Reilly's drum set (yes, you see balls), it reminded me of the time my brother wiped his dick across the head of my Super Mario Brother's cartridge and told me that he cleansed it. If that didn't bring up feelings of nostalgia, the scene where Will Ferrell uses a bath mat to wipe his ass because he ran out of toilet paper certainly did. Hey, I did live with my brother for three months. Oh the memories. Drop what you are doing and go see the movie now. It will make you miss your siblings or at the very least you will have some weird desire to see Mary Steenburgen naked.

Thank you for being a friend.

I just poured some beer on the floor for one of my homies.

Sophia, you will be missed.

For my next trick . . .

I had the pleasure of seeing Ricky Jay perform last night with his 52 assistants. There is so much to say I don't know where to start. I guess I could start with the fact that my brother insisted I get to his place no later than 3pm for the 8pm show so that he would have ample time to eat his weekly meal at Pizzeria Mozza. "We must go now!!!", he screamed in a Ritalin rage. So off we went to eat pizza while my brother read a book at the table. God forbid there was a lull in the conversation. He must be entertained!!! We had a good two hours to kill after our very early bird dinner so we drove around LA for a bit admiring the mid century homes that neither of us would ever be able to afford. Once the ride was complete we parked in Westwood and walked over to the Geffen playhouse to watch Ricky Jay. I was really hoping he was going to do some amazing card tricks that involved cutting things in half with the ace of clubs or at the very least giving my brother a shave with the eight of diamonds. Amazingly the greatest trick happened before the show even started. I sat out front next to a beautiful fountain. As I stared down at the coins that obviously represented some poor sap's dreams, I heard a squawk from above. As I looked up at a seagull I was splashed by something hitting the water. Was it a dead rat? Of course not. It was a chicken wing from what I assume was Popeye's. I guess the bird realized he was eating his own so he decided to drop it down to me as an offering. I have been hit by bird shit before but never a deep fried wing. It must be good luck.

The show was great. Ricky Jay opened a new deck of cards and did every trick you could imagine a person with card skills would do. The highlight for me was when he asked my brother to pick a card and remember it so he later could pull it out of a shuffled deck. The fear on my brother's face was priceless. Shit, can I remember it? What if he calls me on stage? My pants -- they have no buttons!!

It was a great night. Check him out if you have time.

Ricky Jay/

The Dark Knight - a review

Can I believe a man could dress up in Kevlar and fight crime - Yes
Can I believe with the right money you could have a batmobile - Yes
Can I believe a man might wear make-up and be a sociopath - Yes
Can I believe that two men, one being horribly disfigured, could love Maggie Gyllenhaal - Absolutely not!

Damn Email Groups

Every two weeks I send an invoice to my company's accounts receivable department asking for payment for the stellar work that I do. I have done this roughly fourteen times without issue. After sending out an invoice last week, it came as a shock to me to receive responses regarding my mental aptitude/pay rate from multiple graphic artists at my company.

Apparently I sent the following email with an attached invoice (detailing my pay) to the entire company's creative department:

Hi Linda,
Please find attached my invoice for 7/1 - 7/15.

Do you think you will be paying invoices this week? I have two due now. This will be my third submitted. I would like to catch up so there is only one outstanding at a time.

Thanks

Barry

Right there is some of my finest work.

Blog not dead but resentful

This blog is not dead. I have been busy lately with my real job playing pick up games of basketball at the local park. I sit in the stands while my friend hustles the local players into letting the white rube play. It aint easy being this good.

The 'lude

As many of you might remember, I had a 1989 Honda Prelude through most of my formidable years. The 'lude served me well on my many travels. Up and down the eastern seaboard it went without an issue. Who can forget how flawlessly it performed going to Key West during one of my college breaks. Sadly, after 220 thousand miles we were forced to part ways. Last I saw it was flying a Puerto Rican flag in Lodi. I kid. I am thinking about combining my love for nostalgia and my love for the Subaru Brat by buying this amazing vehicle.

Greatest Prelude of all time
Its not a Prelude, its not a truck, it's an amazing cruck!!!!!

Splash Too?

Has anyone heard of Splash Too?. I challenge the world to find me a person who has actually seen this movie.

American Ninja/Rollerblader

I enjoy spotting celebrities doing every day normal activites. I would assume seeing an actor buy groceries gives me the same kind of high a bird watcher gets when he sees a rare Strigiformes in a tree in his yard. "Oh look it is a Blakiston's Fish Owl." Anyway, I had my rare sighting on Friday when I saw none other than American Ninja himself, Michael Dudikoff roller-blading along the ocean in Hermosa. I decided this would be my first expereience in acosting an actor to tell them how impressed I was with their body of work, but alas by the time I turned around to sing the praises of his portrayal of a private in the army single-handedly taking on mercenaries in the Philippines, he was gone. Vanished like the ninja he so often portrayed. Maybe next time.

You failed me Mrs. Pearlmutter

I thought I mastered the English language. Oh, how I was wrong. My Achilles' heel is saying "coleslaw." For whatever reason I say, "co-slaw." I have failed linguists everywhere.

Over the weekend I also had trouble with the following:
Ed McMahon - called him "Egg McMahon"
Apparently - said "A Parrot lee"

*Mrs. Pearlmutter was my elementary school language teacher.

You Don't Mess with the Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett

Every once in a while a movie comes out that touches the soul. A movie that can do no wrong. That movie is You Don't Mess with the Zohan. It has been years since Adam Sandler truly entertained me. Actually it has been thirteen years. That is when Billy Madisoncame out. Granted now I can't sit through it, but at the time I felt it was pure genius. Mr Sandler must have reviewed the tape because I can feel the very essence of Billy Madison in the Zohan. To quote Billy, "Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth." It is this line that drove the plot of You Don't Mess with the Zohan, What could be better than a movie about a ex Mossad agent who just wants to make the world silky and smooth by being a hair dresser. This is obviously why I am not working in Hollywood. It takes a true professional to come up with an idea this brilliant. I don't really want to give too much of the movie away because I feel it really deserves to make money, but I will leave you with two reasons alone to see it; Dave Mathews is a villain and the Zohan has relations with Edna Garrett.

See it, otherwise you are directly supporting terrorism.

Poaching at its worst

Poaching is the illegal hunting, fishing or harvesting of wild plants or animals. It may be illegal because:

The game or fish is not in season, usually the breeding season is declared as the closed season when wildlife species are protected by law.
The poacher does not possess a license.
The poacher is illegally selling the animal or animal parts or plant for a profit.
The animal is being hunted outside of legal hours.
The hunter used an illegal weapon for that animal.
The animal or plant is on restricted land.
The right to hunt this animal is claimed by somebody.
The means used are illegal (for example, baiting a field while hunting quail, using spotlights to stun or paralyze deer, or hunting from a moving vehicle, watercraft, or aircraft).
The animal or plant is protected by law or that it has been listed as extinct or an endangered (see for example the Endangered Species Act for the USA)
The animal or plant has been tagged by a researcher.

According to this definition I think I have a case.

My Seinfeld Post
Lame Copy

I am going to have to start writing more posts otherwise the wooden soldier will run out of ideas.

23

As some of you might know I have a $100 bet with a friend regarding which one of us will expire first. Simple rules: Whoever dies first will make provisions in their estate to have a hundred dollar bill put into their burial suit coat pocket so that when the friend who is alive pays his last respects he can take it out of coffin. Obviously this is how it will go down in theory. As of right now it is more likely for both of us to be buried in a corn field while wearing tuxedo tee shirts then for either of us to be buried in a coat, but I digress.

I am now officially 6% closer to my $100. According to the machine from the future, I at my worst am 17% fat. That is, as I was told by my friend, 32 pounds of butter. He laughed at my rotundness. Well said friend just came for a visit and was so sure he was less fat than me that he was willing to ride over to my gym so he too could find out his percentage. If the machine is to be trusted, he is 23% body fat. That is 42 pounds of butter.

I know it doesn't matter who is in the lead because it all comes down to who finishes first, or in this case last, but for now I will take my little victory.

Hey fatty, maybe they can bury you in a piano case.

Thief

I swear my old posts are being poached!!!

My gun range post

The copycat

You will be hearing from my lawyer.