Splash Too?

Has anyone heard of Splash Too?. I challenge the world to find me a person who has actually seen this movie.

American Ninja/Rollerblader

I enjoy spotting celebrities doing every day normal activites. I would assume seeing an actor buy groceries gives me the same kind of high a bird watcher gets when he sees a rare Strigiformes in a tree in his yard. "Oh look it is a Blakiston's Fish Owl." Anyway, I had my rare sighting on Friday when I saw none other than American Ninja himself, Michael Dudikoff roller-blading along the ocean in Hermosa. I decided this would be my first expereience in acosting an actor to tell them how impressed I was with their body of work, but alas by the time I turned around to sing the praises of his portrayal of a private in the army single-handedly taking on mercenaries in the Philippines, he was gone. Vanished like the ninja he so often portrayed. Maybe next time.

You failed me Mrs. Pearlmutter

I thought I mastered the English language. Oh, how I was wrong. My Achilles' heel is saying "coleslaw." For whatever reason I say, "co-slaw." I have failed linguists everywhere.

Over the weekend I also had trouble with the following:
Ed McMahon - called him "Egg McMahon"
Apparently - said "A Parrot lee"

*Mrs. Pearlmutter was my elementary school language teacher.

You Don't Mess with the Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett

Every once in a while a movie comes out that touches the soul. A movie that can do no wrong. That movie is You Don't Mess with the Zohan. It has been years since Adam Sandler truly entertained me. Actually it has been thirteen years. That is when Billy Madisoncame out. Granted now I can't sit through it, but at the time I felt it was pure genius. Mr Sandler must have reviewed the tape because I can feel the very essence of Billy Madison in the Zohan. To quote Billy, "Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth." It is this line that drove the plot of You Don't Mess with the Zohan, What could be better than a movie about a ex Mossad agent who just wants to make the world silky and smooth by being a hair dresser. This is obviously why I am not working in Hollywood. It takes a true professional to come up with an idea this brilliant. I don't really want to give too much of the movie away because I feel it really deserves to make money, but I will leave you with two reasons alone to see it; Dave Mathews is a villain and the Zohan has relations with Edna Garrett.

See it, otherwise you are directly supporting terrorism.

Poaching at its worst

Poaching is the illegal hunting, fishing or harvesting of wild plants or animals. It may be illegal because:

The game or fish is not in season, usually the breeding season is declared as the closed season when wildlife species are protected by law.
The poacher does not possess a license.
The poacher is illegally selling the animal or animal parts or plant for a profit.
The animal is being hunted outside of legal hours.
The hunter used an illegal weapon for that animal.
The animal or plant is on restricted land.
The right to hunt this animal is claimed by somebody.
The means used are illegal (for example, baiting a field while hunting quail, using spotlights to stun or paralyze deer, or hunting from a moving vehicle, watercraft, or aircraft).
The animal or plant is protected by law or that it has been listed as extinct or an endangered (see for example the Endangered Species Act for the USA)
The animal or plant has been tagged by a researcher.

According to this definition I think I have a case.

My Seinfeld Post
Lame Copy

I am going to have to start writing more posts otherwise the wooden soldier will run out of ideas.

23

As some of you might know I have a $100 bet with a friend regarding which one of us will expire first. Simple rules: Whoever dies first will make provisions in their estate to have a hundred dollar bill put into their burial suit coat pocket so that when the friend who is alive pays his last respects he can take it out of coffin. Obviously this is how it will go down in theory. As of right now it is more likely for both of us to be buried in a corn field while wearing tuxedo tee shirts then for either of us to be buried in a coat, but I digress.

I am now officially 6% closer to my $100. According to the machine from the future, I at my worst am 17% fat. That is, as I was told by my friend, 32 pounds of butter. He laughed at my rotundness. Well said friend just came for a visit and was so sure he was less fat than me that he was willing to ride over to my gym so he too could find out his percentage. If the machine is to be trusted, he is 23% body fat. That is 42 pounds of butter.

I know it doesn't matter who is in the lead because it all comes down to who finishes first, or in this case last, but for now I will take my little victory.

Hey fatty, maybe they can bury you in a piano case.

Thief

I swear my old posts are being poached!!!

My gun range post

The copycat

You will be hearing from my lawyer.

Driving Miss Daisy

It was a cold wintery night in November 2006 when my brother decided to fork over a large sum of cash for a 1971 Mercedes 280 SL. He was thinking towards the future. A future of summertime cruising in a classic California convertible. Two months he was told until it would be restored to pristine condition. Flash forward eighteen months, it was finally ready. We drove out there yesterday. The car looked beautiful. Only one question was asked by my brother: "Should we ArmorAll the tires before we leave?" The salesman, and I use the term loosely, asked Lewis if he would like to take it for a test drive before he signs off on the fact that he will never call him again to badger him about why the car took an additional sixteen months. Only one word was uttered by my brother, "Naaaa." On that note Lewis didn't want to drive it at all. I drove it and him around for basically the first 50 miles. Every once and awhile he would call a friend so we could go to their house to show it off.

"Lewis, Lewis the car is amazing. Why aren't you behind the wheel?"
Soon was the only response given. After a few hours of driving I put the automobile in a tiny one car garage owned by Lewis's landlord. It very much felt like the final scene in Raiders when the ark of the covenant is loaded into a crate and put away for storage.

Judging by the size of the garage, I am figuring the car will not move until the next time my brother wants me to take him for a ride. Based on the skittish behavior around his new toy I figure it will soon be mine. I have put together a timeline in pictures of the car's future. Enjoy!!


Day 1 - only 50 miles on it


Don't worry, it will clean up fine.

Novelty gone. Left for dead.

If you can catch this thing, you can catch greased lighting.

Has anyone seen Rocky II lately? It was on cable last night and I caught about 30 minutes of it before my brain went into full shut down. In those 1800 seconds I saw the following:
1. Rocky running down the street with every kid in Philidelphia chasing him.
2. Rocky working out doing sets of 50.
3. Rocky chasing a chicken.
4. Adrian waking from her coma and telling Rocky she wants him to win.
5. Carl Weathers' mustache.

If it wasn't for the stache I don't think this movie would have been made.

And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

I am down in La Jolla for the weekend. As if you care. Ehhh, doubtful.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Gumball Machine

I have finally decided on my vehicle of choice for the Gumball 3000. It is . . .drum roll please. . . an Audi R8 V12 TDI. Since gas is so expensive I felt running a diesel would make economic sense. Also driving a diesel sports car makes me feel like we are in some sort of post apocalyptic world. If I get the Audi, I plan to dress up as Lee Majors and reenact The Last Chase scene for scene. Now if I could only find out what Chris Makepeace is doing.

Friendship takes a turn for the worst

I may not be a genius but I do know you should never mix friends with money. I can think of many a time when a friendship jumped the shark because of some sort of financial transaction. I remember the time my father sold my best friend a Saab with questionable mileage. Fourteen years later I can still see the resentment in my friend's eyes. "Why did your father sell me a Saab with broken odometer and four mismatched tires?"

In recent weeks I had a fairly new friend tell me that he has an amazing business proposition for me and wondered when we could sit down to discuss. The first mistake is making new friends. I mean come on, I am 32, if I haven't met you by now there is no point. I digress. I gave my new friend a few hours on Sunday so he could explain to me how I could be RICH and retire in six months. I don't want to give away the product name out of fear that this new friend might read my blog, but lets just say it is a juice being sold in a multi-level marketing program. No, no, no, not Amway. Not Quixtar either (I am not that smart. I have to look all this stuff up.) It kind of sucks because my friend was very passionate about the product and the multi-level marketing program and he could see I wasn't buying it. He thought I was out of my mind when I told him it wasn't for me or two people I know and two people they know and two people they know. After a few very awkward moments my friend accepted defeat and we went to dinner. I haven't heard from him since.

To the point

Sticker on the back of a car:

Stink Eye

Today at lunch I had the pleasure of receiving the stink eye from a baby. It was like his eyes saw all and in his soul he knew I was evil. Everyone at my table felt it as well. "Dude that baby is giving you the stink eye." After a few moments my table got the wiff of what only could be strained peas in a diaper. To my relief it wasn't the stink eye after all. He just liked to have eye contact while shitting. All is well in the world.

Down the hatch

The other night my coworker and I were driving around Atlanta when we passed a place called Dante's Down the Hatch. I am not sure what possessed us, but we decided that based on the name alone we had to go there. So today after a long day of work or whatever you call it we returned. The maitre'd, who looked like he hadn't seen a live customer since 1892, asked us if we would like to sit on the ship or at a regular table. So much confusion went through my head. I regret that after seeing the fondue bowl on our table I abandoned ship/restaurant. Please check out the website. You will see I was quite foolish. Think about the pirate stories I could have spun if only I stayed for a cheese plate. My loss.

Atlanta - View from my room

I have this overwhelming desire to run through the woods naked with my morning cup of coffee. I can return to nature as it was intended. If I could just figure out how to open this double paned window. Damn you, Crowne Plaza, for sealing me in.

Atlanta, here I come

Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in. Tomorrow at 12:35 I leave for Atlanta.

Can't wait to eat at Bennigan's.

"Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation” -- Oscar Wilde

Game On!

The game

I know this image is played out, but if all else fails it will be used.

Speaking of Ice Cream

My gym has a machine that you stand on and somehow it gives you your weight, height, and body fat percentage. Due to the fact that it makes buzzing sounds I can only assume the machine has come back from the future to kill me.