Randy's Donuts and Road Rage

The one time I was allowed to venture west of the Beverly Hills Hotel this weekend was for a late night donut run. My brother heard from what I will assume was Dom Deluise's stunt double that Randy's has the best jelly donuts in LA. I made the mistake of telling said brother that I was 85% sure of the location of this magic donut shop. After driving around for 25 minutes while listening to screaming regarding my mental incompetence we finally found the mecca. Just look at the picture. If I was a giant Homer Simpson I would have been in heaven.

Mmmm...donut

My Vacation: 21.17 Miles Away

Some people would think it is insane to go on vacation in the town you live. I was one of those people until this past weekend. Fearing what would happen if I said no, I allowed my brother to take me for the weekend to the Beverly Hills Hotel. If I wasn't related and the same sex, I would have definitely assumed I would have had to put out for such an extravagant trip. Well at least not the same sex. I am giving my brother the benefit of the doubt here. As far as being related, come on, everyone has a cousin they want to bang. The weekend had everything I could have dreamed of in a vacation. There was a visit to the hospital, a Smokey and the Bandit Trans Am, bagels and lox, a dog shitting in the hotel room, cigars, and a motorcycle with a sidecar. If there had been a monkey knife fight I would have assumed I had died and gone to heaven.

So where do I begin. This might end up being a crazy long post. I am going to try and write everything in order but I am sure I will screw some of it up. Who gives a shit? Not like you can prove I didn't fight a ninja on my last night in the hotel.

A bit of a background on the trip and why it happened. My brother really wanted to go somewhere for Memorial Day weekend. He just didn't want to fly or drive anywhere far. Since we like eating at the Beverly Hills Hotel so much it seemed like a logical choice. The goal was to relax, eat well, and go for car rides to parts of LA we hadn't been to before. It was just me, my brother and a loaner Welsh Terrier named Terry the entire weekend.

The Hotel:

The Beverly Hills Hotel is owned by the Sultan of Brunei. It is by far the greatest hotel I have ever been to. If you have the means I highly recommend you partake. If you are walking down the hall and a hotel employee is coming at you they will immediately hug the closest wall and make sure not to make eye contact. I have never felt more like Cobra Commander in my entire life.


The Hospital:

For the last week I had explosive diarrhea. The kind of shitting you would read about in a medical journal. Without bragging I would say I pooped my pants at least three times. Even though my brother had a replacement lined up for the trip, I was determined to go and bleed his wallet by drinking every bottle of water in the mini fridge. With that in mind, I checked in and immediately crapped my guts out and cried like a new fish in prison. Not to have anyone ruin his trip, my brother insisted on taking me to the UCLA emergency room so that I could be repaired. Five hours and one IV bag later I was feeling great. By the way, never go to the hospital with someone who is impatient. My brother was screaming at me the entire time the IV was drip, drip, dripping to hurry up. Like I had any control over it.

Dog shitting in the room:

Terry is a great dog and I love spending time with him. He only has one major flaw. He does not know how to shit on a leash (who really does?). I walked him about 25 times on Saturday but not once did he even motion that he had to drop a deuce. Of course in the middle of watching The Long Goodbye in the room, Terry decided it was a good time to take a shit in the middle of the bed. Poor bastard, he must have had a gopher peaking for hours. He just didn't know what to do. After an initial once over by yours truly, I had house cleaning cleanse the mattress. So happy there was no eye contact. They fear their dear Cobra Commander.

Cigars:

My brother has lost his mind. He is certifiably insane. So insane that I am sure he will want me to change this post. First amendment motha-fucka!!! He has become obsessed with smoking cigars. I felt like I had somehow quantum leaped into Winston Churchill's wife's underwear the first time I woke up to see him standing in his dirty misshapen Nordstrom briefs, chewing some beaten up vile cigar at eight in the morning. I spent three days riding around in an Audi Quattro ashtray.


Smokey and the Bandit Trans Am and a Motorcycle with a Sidecar:

On one of our many rides through the country/Hollywood Hills, we came across two amazing vehicles. The first was an old BMW motorcycle with a sidecar. The owner was teaching his girlfriend how to drive while we sat on the side of the road and watched. I don't know what was cooler, the motorcycle or the hot girl learning to ride it wearing motorcycle boots. Does that count as irony? As for the Trans AM, we were driving up and down side streets admiring LA's mid century architecture when, out of nowhere, it appeared. It was the most beautiful site I have ever seen. I am going to say something sacrilegious now but bare with me. It was beautiful and it wasn't black (does that count as irony?). I don't even know what color it was. I literally can't remember, but it was so beautiful that I tried to find it again today to no avail. So many streets and so few Trans Ams. One day we will meet again.

Bagels, Lox, and good food in general:

The hotel has some of the best food I have ever had in my short life. Each morning once my bowels were healed we would have breakfast on the balcony overlooking all the little people. The nova was unfucking-believable. Not to mention the waffle I washed it down with. I could go on but you get the idea.

In Closing:

I had a great weekend. I didn't bring my computer and it was beyond nice to be unplugged. I got to see part of LA I had never seen before. I highly recommend going to Griffith Park, walking around the Fern Dell trail, and stopping at the Trails Pieshop for a slice of pie. Also if you are in town hit the Pacific Dining Car downtown. It makes the one in Santa Monica feel like a cheap imititation. Who am I kidding, if you are reading this, we are friends. If you are in town, I will take you around.

Thanks Lewis, Terry, the hotel staff, and the staff at UCLA for making this a great weekend.

Brendan Fraser and Freddie Prinze Jr. are off the list of celebrities I want to fight

For the last twelve years I have been compiling a list of celebrities I would like to fight. I imagine a battle royale similar to me fighting a gaggle of first graders (nod to Jake). Tom Cruise can't weigh more than a six year old, could he? I figure I would start with the cast of Entourage and finish up with Estelle Getty. I would make that Golden Girl cry like a little bitch.

Sadly, as of last night I had to remove two people from my celebrity fight club. There is no chance of me fighting Freddie Prinze Jr. or Brendan Fraser. I sat next to them while I stuffed my gullet with sushi and I have to say they are both too large to beat with my own hands. I don't think I could win in a fight with either of them. It would be like me fighting a couple of 6th graders. Before you think of me as a big puss realize I am talking about sixth graders from the early '80s. The kind that smoke and have sex. I got no chance against them.

I would still fight Sarah Michelle Gellar though. She was at dinner also. I could take her. It would be a blood bath.

Save the Barry Building

Only in Los Angeles could Donna Mills be standing outside Dutton's Bookstore collecting signatures to save a building named after me.



Yeah, I know who Donna Mills is. Gotta problem with it?

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker

Today was an especially exciting day. I watched my brother buy licorice in the shape of Scottish terriers while Rumor Willis waited patiently behind him to pay for some smokes. I didn't think Rumor looked as bad as the media makes her out. She is however, tiny. I am not just talking small, I am talking Indian in the Cupboard * little. If I was into playing with Barbies, which I am, I would need her to dress up as 'No Talent Nepotism Barbie' and have her have sex with my entire Urkel collection.



**Worst reference to a movie ever

I have seen the future and it's brown!

For months and months I have been bothering anyone who would listen that I wanted a Porsche Turbo in what I considered classic 70's brown. People said I was out of mind. "The car looks like shit, literally!" Well it looks like the boys at Stuttgart heard me crying in my sleep.

Check out the newest color added to the Porsche lineup:

SUPERBAD = SUPERGOOD

Fuck Spiderman. Fuck Fantastic Four. Fuck Bruce Willis and Die Hard 52. I have found the movie that is going to make this the greatest summer since 1987 (summer I started jerking off). Go to SUPERBAD and watch the trailer that is age restricted. If you don't want to see the movie after that, kill yourself.

Weekend List

My friend Jake came out to Los Angeles for the weekend. I think if I was ever to truly use my writing abilities for evil he would help me bury the bodies. Here are some of the highlights of our weekend conversations:

1. There is nothing worse than cutting into a baked potato that isn't cooked, not even the Holocaust.
2. You need lots of upper lip real estate to grow a proper 'stache.
3. If you are a child sized man, the only appropriate job is being a jockey.
4. Hanging Brain - great term
5. Quincy Jones would had to have fucked a Polar Bear to have a daughter as white as Karen.
6. Idea for a script - Jarred from Subway falls off the wagon and becomes fat again.
7. It should only take a week to get over being in a wheel chair.8. Syphilis will make you happy.9. Need to set up a living funeral to see how people remember me. Buy good coffin.10. A bed at Camp Harlam is more comfortable than the shitty box I got my dad.11. Idea for a cook book - One Wipe Deuce Cook Book. All recipes result in shits that only require one wipe.12. Need to somehow be friends with Andre the Giant before he died.13. Who would you rather be Clint Eastwood or Burt Reynolds circa 1978?14. Start letter writing campaign to get Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run action figures made.15. Why isn't there a channel dedicated to Ninjas? 24-7 Ninja Movies.16. Need a Syrup Wench whenever I am eating pancakes. She will do the pouring.17. The fatter the Jon Favreau the better the movie. The Favreau Principle:

• Rudy (fat) = Good
• Elf (fat) = Good
• Friends (thin) = Bad
• Made (not sure)= Draw
• Armageddon = Not sure if he was in it. More research to come.
• The Break-Up (fat) = He was good but the movie sucked which leads to the Vaughn variable.
• Vaughn Variable - If you add Vaughn to a Favreau movie his weight must be in precise opposition to Favreau's in order for the movie to do well.
• Thin + Fat = Good - no example at this time
  
• Fat + Fat = Bad - no example needed
  

18. The Break-Up stopped being funny an hour into it.
19. Being awake is for chumps.
20. There should be a test to see if someone is stupid. Its called an IQ exam idiot.
21. I am sorry miss but we can't let you through security because you are carrying huge bombs.

So that's is it. Some of it might make sense. Some might not. I will be teaching a class at UCLA this fall on the Favreau principle for those that are interested.

For the Bandit

I just had an amazing pulled pork sandwich at Baby Blues Bar-B-Q. The can of Coors brought back amazing memories of driving through Texarkana.

Spiderman franchise goes down in flames

I feel bad. I am sure somewhere, somehow, somebody worked very hard on making Spiderman 3 come to life. Sadly, they didn't work hard enough. The movie was spider duece. I am convinced both Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst attended the Charles 'Corky' Thacher Acting School. Yes, I am saying they both have down syndrome.

If a movie costs a couple hundred million to make, you would think they could afford to digitally remove at least six of Mr. Maguire's eight chins. As for Kirstin Dunst, how about an on set dentist? Don't even get me started on the Peter Parker dance number.

I'll cut you

My childhood friend's father claims that when I was little I once came to school with a kitchen knife wrapped in a towel. He said from that day on he respected my resourceful craziness. I am a bit sad this never happened.

Give me a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick, I'm in a god-damn hurry.

This is me one day after winning the lotto:

Eliot Stein is dead. Long live Eliot Stein.

I heard Eliot Stein died today as he lived, horribly. I didn't really know him and I won't really miss him so I don't even know why I am sharing.

Eliot Stein, you were a disgrace to fat people everywhere.

*Eliot Stein was no Dom Deluise.


Is it too soon to take down the link to his blog?

Defenders, Steaks, Cigars, and Sopranos. Oh, and my dad too!

It is an unfair world. All my father had to do was live eleven more months and he would have seen the final episode of the Sopranos (coming June 3rd). On a happy note, this weekend I decided for sure I must own a Land Rover Defender. It only took me ten years to make a decision. I test drove one yesterday with my brother in tow. Immediately after, something compelled us to eat steaks and smoke cigars. I actually never lit up, I let my brother have the cancer for both of us. What am I saying? I did eat the steak; I am sure I got cancer, too.


*Photo of my brother from yesterday

Food for thought

I was watching Family Guy the other day and Cleveland brought up an interesting question. Who would you rather bang, Queen Latifah or Halle Berry, but Halle Berry has been dead for six hours. I am going with Halle Berry but that is besides the point. It got me thinking. Would I rather be a ninja or a jedi. Sure if I am jedi I have mind control powers, but if I am a ninja I am no weak minded fool so what does it matter. Either way I get a cool costume so it is a tie there. I guess I would have to go with jedi just for the light saber. I don't know. I still need to think about this. I will have to put together a pros and cons list. It was much easier thinking about a dead Halle Berry.

Throwing Stars and Other Memories

I sort of, I don't know how to say it, have outgrown 'My Name Is Earl.' The show is mildly entertaining and all, but I am sick of the whole karma theme. On a redeeming note, Earl did get to talking about paper throwing stars tonight which had me reminiscing about simpler times. Times when hitting a girl in the face with a piece of paper folded up like an ancient piece of razor sharp steel were okay. Times when throwing said star might actually be considered a way to show affection. Never aim for the eyes though. There is a fine line between love and hate. My stars never flew right. I always had to weigh them down with a penny at the center. Sorry, girls.

This picture pretty much sums up my dating skills:

Huge Predicament

If you have two pairs of socks that are exactly the same and one sock tears, do you throw out just the one and keep the spare or do you throw out the entire pair?


*Actual socks may differ from those shown in sample photo

30 Rock Season Finale

What are the odds I could get Tina Fey and Alec Balwin to come over my place during their off time and act out some of my favorite 30 Rock scenes? Maybe I could at least get Alec Baldwin to call me a pig. Wait that is a totally different fantasy. The fantasy also involved Kim Basinger, me being 16, three sock puppets, and the Hamptoons, but I will save that for another time. I need a summer plan ASAP.

I am only visiting LA

Tonight I had dinner at the Beverly Hills Hotel. It was like I was on vacation. A vacation with no room to go back to and my car parked on the street to avoid valet fees, but a vacation none-the-less.

I kicked Buddy Revell's ass

For my brother's 34th year on the planet I got him a custom Louisville Slugger baseball bat with his actual signature carved into it. You might ask why I am bothering telling you this? Dreams, my friend, dreams.

Dream Log 4/24/07:

I am walking through the frozen food section of my local supermarket when out of nowhere Buddy Revell starts a fight with me. If this was Odgen High School I would have shit a brick, but since I was in dream land I had everything covered. I pulled out two custom Louisville slugger baseball bats, one with my signature carved into it and one with my brother's and I proceeded to beat the shit out of Buddy while screaming, "The Fein brothers are gonna kick your ass." I guess I should have said "The Fein brothers are kicking your ass." No matter, I woke up as the police were arresting me.

I am certainly not the puss that always bled.



You and me, we're gonna have a fight. Today. After school. Three o'clock. In the parking lot. You try and run, I'm gonna track you down. You go to a teacher, it's only gonna get worse. You sneak home, I'm gonna be under your bed.

Seventeen Years of Kuato Jokes

It just never gets old.

Brain is broken

I always enjoy posting my dreams if I can remember them. I am going to be pissed if they are used against me in a court of law.


So at the end of the week, my aunt is having an unveiling for my father at the cemetery. Sadly, it is not an ancient ritual where we dress up in black robes and bring him back to life. I am picturing something along the lines of Pet Cemetery. It is actually a tradition in Judaism where about six months after someone is buried we unveil their tombstone. "Surprise, six months and you are still dead, I think that is a stone anniversery." Due to the enormous amount of depression and the inevitable fighting that would go on between family members I decided to take a pass on going. I figure it's not like he is going anywhere. I can visit another time on my terms. Well that brings us to my dream and what my inner psychce is really thinking.

The dream starts as if my father just died and we have shipped his body to New Jersey for burial. For whatever reason the body was being stored at my mother's house before the actual internment. The worst part is in the dream his body was disassembled for the trip. His coffin was in the basement and his body was upstairs. While this is going on there are about ten welsh terriers running around the house. Every once in awhile one gets stuck behind a wall and lets out a big cry so I have to go break him free. Back to the body, somehow I am in charge of washing him and putting the pieces back together. It is like he is a giant mannequin that needs to be reassembled and dressed for display. I never got past washing the hands. I was too freaked out. Luckily Red Foreman from That 70's show lived with us and said he would take care of it. While he was doing that I was having an early morning beer with Niki Gudex where we discussed the sadness of it all and her race schedule for that summer. Last thing I remember I am getting dressed to go and I am missing the top button of my dress shirt.

Seriously I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

LA does caricature of LA

Only in Los Angeles could I walk into a Farmer's Market and have Ed Begley Jr try and sell me home cleaning products. I got a burrito instead.

I still love you Jack Donaghy

Alec Baldwin scolds his daughter

So he yelled at his kid, big deal. You ever had your feelings hurt by a girl in junior high? I am still trying to block out memories of 7th grade. Speaking of time machines, how awesome would it be to go back in time and kick some 12 year old ass. Dream a little dream.

Next best thing to a time machine

I ask for so little in this life. Clothes on my back, food on my plate, butter in my ass. I would trade it all for a black Trans Am in the driveway. Hell, I would run Coors from Texarkana to Georgia with Sally Field any day of the week. And I am not talking Sally Field in the '70s, I am talking Sally Field now! She can pack her Fosamax.

Bandit Trans Am is back

Bandit Run

Ode to Lipitor

I wanted to write a sweet poem about how Lipitor is a wonder drug and my cholesterol is now 155, but I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with 'arteries clogged.'

Looks like I am going to live to annoy another day.


Great!

Bentley, The Camry of Beverly Hills

I drove around Los Angeles yesterday and in the course of 3 hours I counted no fewer than fifteen Bentley Continentals. The Continental is the everyman's $185K car. The car has become ubiquitous within Beverly Hills. This is kind of a crap post. I just wanted to use the word 'ubiquitous' in a sentence.

I love him

I usually don't like to steal content directly from gossip sites, but in this case I will make an exception.

The Landlord

You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last.

When someone who has written dialogue for Arnold Schwarzenegger thinks you would make a good commando you don't argue, you put on face makeup and shoot a Russian Ballistic knife into the first Val Verde native you see. Sadly, that wasn't the type of commando he had in mind. Either way I am taking the advice. Oh, and I am still putting on the face paint.

Urban Commando

Can't get a thing done

My plans for world comedy domination have gotten off to a rocky start. I have been using all my creative juices to constantly email Eliot Stein*. There is no limit to how far the insanity will go. I am thinking it is either going to end with us being "taken out" by the newly formed Iraqi government or one of us is going to have to cut the other's head off. I am really hoping for pudding.


*Yes I know Eliot Stein is being played by the computer from War Games.

So tired right now!

No Reason to ever go back East

Please see Exhibit A for Dunkin Donuts' current market presence.

Exhibit A:


Please see Exhibit B for Dunkin Donuts' future market presence.

* Exhibit B:


* Based on pure speculation

Quaid!!!!!!!!!

I was approached today by the very powerful and very fat Eliot Stein to join forces in what could be the most powerful comedy website known to man. The comedy will have the power of a thousand suns. I don't know exactly how we will start, but I do have a feeling I will somehow be absorbed by Eliot's gut. When one of his jokes goes awry I will emerge and tell it the right way or at the very least talk about life on Mars.

Wish me luck!!!!

Hand Jobs and Fribbles

Did anyone catch Entourage tonight? The writing is brilliant. Anyone who can make a reference to Friendly's and handjobs in one sentence is my hero.

Bowling Ball Head, oh yeah, and Mozza is banned

I don't know where to begin. Either I have the world's largest head or the world's weakest neck. Either way I am screwed. Let me back up a bit. I went for a bike ride today to burn off my insane dinner at Mozza last night. Somehow I got suckered into going there two Saturdays in a row. The pizza is tasty but it's the butterscotch budino that kills me everytime. I just can't say no to its buterscotchety goodness. Now back to my head. My friggin neck is killing me. I have been told I will get used to riding my bike and to just suck it up, but what if I can't? What if my head is just too big for my neck and the muscles can't do anymore than they already are? This post may confuse a couple of people so I am enclosing a picture to show you exactly what my problem is.

Liz Lemon is the perfect woman

If there wasn't reason enough to love 30 Rock, on tonight's episode Tina Fey told a story about how she pooped her pants in college while eating at an Old Time Buffet yet didn't leave until she was done with her second plate of shrimp. I know the character is fiction but one can dream.

If it bleeds we can kill it

Passover was totally uneventful this year. There were no random blind dates, no dogs on the table, no costumes straight out of a Kabbalah meeting, nothing. The only thing I did realize was that eating Passover with my brother is like being an extra on the set of Predator. I kid you not I watched and listened as he ate a whole chicken, bones and all. He literally sounded like a garbage disposal. I am beyond disturbed.

The Hoff better buy this

Slightly used '82 Trans Am for sale - does not include William Daniels.

I have a friend who always wanted to have KITT for those nights he was too drunk to drive.


"KITT, I am fucked up. Drive me home. Turbo boost it, bitch"

I hid the afikomen in my pants

I had to hit the internet to figure out what afikomen was. What do you want from me, I suffered from hyperactivity during Hebrew School. Let's hope this year's seder is as good as the last.

It's pronounced 'Dumb Ass'

This conversation took place only moments ago. I love my friends.

J - was just staring at my computer screen
B - and
J - started chewing on the power adapter plug for my computer
J - shocked my muth
J - mouth
B - shut up
B - did not
J - yup
J - not insane pain
B - were you chewing the end/
J - just a little
B - nut bag
J - just kind of holding it in my teeth
J - the end with metal on it
B - what is wrong with you
J - so much

The Barry Renaissance

I have been abusing the word 'renaissance' lately like it is my red headed step child.

Here are some of the things that in my mind (all that matters) are going through a renaissance:

South Park - I just started watching it again after like a eight year break. I now use what I have learned from Cartman to get me through any and all social situations (see below).

Seinfeld - There was a point after the show ended I couldn't watch it. I felt it was dated. I don't know if it is because I am older and wiser or dumber and younger but I now can fully relate to every narcissistic character on the show.

Ice Cube - Sure now he makes shit movies for the man, but there was a time when white people were afraid of him. I miss those times. That's why I downloaded a couple of tracks off the 'Death Certificate' album. Yeah, I'm hard.

I know there are other things I wanted to add to this list but I am tired of typing.

The Mother from Twins

I had just finished scarfing down my last bit of Butterscotch Budino (pudding for you laymen) at Mozza when I made the most obscure call of my professional career. I saw Bonnie Bartlett walking through the restaurant. She played Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito's long lost mother in the masterpiece movie Twins.

I have got to be using at least 27% of my brain.

New Friend, Old Jew

I met my brother's latest victim friend Friday night. I will preface my mockery by saying I really liked her. I liked her so much that I want to play a game at her expense. Let's play "Guess Amy's Age." Shit, did I just use air quotes? Anyway, I will describe things about her and you can guess the decade in which she was born.

Hints:
1. She drives a Scion
2. She has a Sears Mastercard
3. She once used a coupon from "The Entertainment Book" (Fucking Air Quotes) for a discount on dinner. No, the meal wasn't in the Catskills.
4. She is not a Holocaust Survivor.

The first person to guess Amy's age correctly gets two tickets to Red Buttons' Comedy tour as soon as it hits your section of Century Village.

Whats wrong with me?

I used air quotes at least five times on Friday. If that isn't reason enough for a beating, I am not sure what is.

So good

I have been searching for this clip all day. This is has got to be what Tina Turner was thinking about when she sang "Simply the Best"

Life is like Seinfeld, just accept it

I mean that in a good way.

Today I took my first ride on the new road bike. I went with one of the best riders from a local group. Much to my surprise and his I destroyed him. No hill was too big. He spent the entire two hours sucking wind while I cruised like I was powered by a jet engine. I am an inspiration to all my friends. If I can do it anyone can. I have given Elaine the confidence to run J. Peterman.

Did I mention my riding buddy was in his late 50s and he is the youngest of his group?

Year of the Eyebrow Zit

The Chinese have done some miscalculations. It isn't the year of the pig, it is the year of the eyebrow zit. Those awful, painful little bastards are taking up route in unsuspecting follicles everywhere. Well, not everywhere just on eyebrows. Duh!. It is their year to shine. In the course of three months I have been overtaken.

Look away I am hideous!

How much would you pay for a picture?

The bottom half of my new cycling outfit. If this isn't the making of a low budget porno I don't know what is.

New Bike, Old Body

After much deliberation, I just purchased my first road bicycle since I blew my Bar Mitzvah money on a sweet Peugeot 10 Speed back in '89. The new girl needs a name.

R.I.P. Cathy Seipp

On a sad note Cathy Seipp lost her battle with lung cancer today. Even though I only met her once, I enjoyed her company and her writing. Hopefully she is in a better place.

Ask your doctor if Lipitor is right for you

So with careful diet and vigorous masturbation exercise I was able to get my cholesterol down 53 points in 30 days. Since I was unable to drop 100, I am now taking the same medication my 70 year old mother is taking. Correction, my 69 year old mother.

I have this bet with a friend that whoever dies first has to give the surviving friend 100 bucks. Payment should be located in the vest pocket of the loser's funeral suit. What a sucker. No way I am being buried in a suit.

Pow Pow Powerwheels

I can't tell you how many times as a teenager I was kicked out of Toys R Us for driving a Barbie Ferrari down the action figure aisle.

Thirty Year Old Dorks Rejoice

Knowing you are a dork is half the battle:

Yo Joe!

R.I.P. Anna Nicole

Today I was saddened to hear of Anna Nicole's passing. Thankfully I had this to cheer me up: Crane kick to the face

Superbowl

Am I the only person that had no clue who played in the Superbowl? I watched Caddyshack instead. In my professional opinion a much better use of time.

You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Good Year = Bird Poop

I got pooped on by a bird while I was eating a chicken burger. Could it have been revenge? I heard being pooped on was good luck. Powerball here I come!

Crackberry

I am one step closer to not having to have actual contact with people anymore. At the gentle prodding of my coworkers I purchased a Blackberry Pearl last week. I included the model name so people would think I was cool. I'm not the type of loser to get a full size blackberry. I got the small one with the vanity mirror built into the back. Izzz got to look good when Izz be checking the comments on my blog.

Barry's Millions

I had a follow up appointment with my doctor today. I have to drop 100 points from my cholesterol in thirty days or I won't inherit $300 million from my rich uncle Rupert Horn. The catch is I am not allowed to tell anyone about the $300 million. I know most people will think I am crazy, but I think I'm gonna go for it.

Dedicated Readers

I honestly thought no one would notice I was writing again. Has everyone been sitting around waiting, hoping, sobbing gently into their Star Wars pillow cases? Oh wait, that's me.

I am glad to be back. I might be a bit rusty for a few days. My rapier wit is about on par with my ad;dfg typing skills right now.

Only in LA

A new segment about stupidity in Los Angeles:

A BMW convertible driver's ed car. Enough said.

R.I.P. Billy 1992 - 2007

My friend's dog died this week. Thankfully it wasn't the daily beatings, but old age. I am kidding, I am sure it was the beatings. I am just joking. It was old age. Billy was 14.5 years old. He had a good life, but it still sucks it had to end.

New Year, Old Me

I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what to write about in this glorious new year. I was going to write about the fact that it snowed in Los Angeles for the first time since 1962, but I lost interest. I was going to write about the knife fight I had with a man wearing one ice skate at Quizno's, but since I don't like their toasted bread I felt that would be false advertising. Then I was thinking about writing about how Niki Gudex added me as one of her MySpace friends and how it must mean we are truly in love, but after seeing she already had 600 friends I realized our love might not be that special after all.

So finally I have decided to write about my health. I got the results of my physical back today and all I can say is, "What the fuck!!!!!" I have the cholesterol of a 475 pound elderly lady who took IHOP up on their 'All You Can Eat Pancakes For $5.99 Special. For those of you who think I am exaggerating I have decided to include the numbers:
Cholesterol 276
HDL 38
LDL 223


Key up the soundtrack to Rocky. It is time for me to get my ass in gear. I might even have to start using this blog to keep track of bike rides again. Nah, that would bore the shit out of everyone.

In any event the blog is back.

Final Post of 2006 - Tooth in my wallet

So I am getting coffee at a local shop when out of nowhere a canine molar falls out of one of the credit card slots in my wallet. Try explaining that to the other people on line. The worst part is I don't think it belonged to my dog.

Happy New Year!!

Updates

I dreamt I updated the blog. Does that count?

I might as well wear sweat pants

It has been three months since I started my new job. All is well except for the fact that a female co-worker told me earlier in the week that I am starting to get fat. Well, fat in comparison to how I looked when I started. Oh the shame of always being hungry.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. While my stomach has been full, my mind has been empty. I swear I will try harder, just don't hit me.

More proof the '70's ruled

Such promise

From the Ann Blanche Smith Elementary School book of poetry circa 1985:

Night Fighter
Intelligent
NOT NICE
Judo
Acrobat

by Barry Fein Grade 5

The Vagine

1. Shitting in a plastic bag
2. Jerking off on the street in front of Victoria's Secret
3. Pamela Anderson in a sack
4. Running of the Jew

I make sexy time at Borat. Go see!

Rich!!!!

Some of you may be wondering whatever happened to The Everyman Review. If that is the case you really have too much free time on your hands. The Everyman Review went the way of the dodo. Shifting continents and a hole in the ozone layer killed it. That, and Typepad actually wanted me to pay to host it. Since neither I nor my illustrious partner could afford the seven bucks a month we decided to let it have the slow death it deserved. As luck wold have it, I just received an ADBRITE check for $1.07. Why couldn't this check come before I took a job? That is some good money. The only problem is it was written to the Everyman Review, so I have no clue how to cash it. Damn!

Scared Away

A while back I mentioned how I have a secret crush on Niki Gudex. It really isn't a secret. Most people with eyes feel the same way I do. She keeps popping up in my dreams. Anyway I noticed that there is a place on her website to email her. Since she hadn't updated her site in what seems like years I felt it was my duty to find out what gives.

Email to Niki:

You have got to update your site! The hottest girl in mountain biking
owes it to her fans.

An actual response from Niki:

Thanks Barry. It has been an intense year. I hope to put that information online soon/

All the best,
Niki

My first can not leave well enough alone response:

You actually respond to inane emails like mine? I am impressed. I would think you get 50 nutjob emails a day and some guy with a bad mustache would be responding for you. Something like this:

Dear _______.

I know you are my biggest fan but hiding in the woods and jumping out while I am biking is not a good idea. Please keep in mind people know where I am. Don't take this the wrong way but we will never be together not even in heaven.

Now please keep 50 feet away as the restraining order dictates.

Thanks

Niki


Okay I just made myself laugh. Counts for something

Thanks again

Niki's second mistake:

Thanks Barry, that was hilarious and made my day! Yes I do get a lot of email and some would give your second email a run for its money but I just think that if I wrote to someone then it would be cool if they could respond even only briefly. So I just try my best.
Cool, keep laughing!
Cheers,
Niki

Me pushing it too far:

OMG, you wrote back again. Now we are officially in love. I will
notify the American Press, you can deal with Australia. We can ride
our bikes down the aisle at our wedding. As long as the aisle isn't a
hill there shouldn't be a problem.

I give you one more response before your amusement turns into fear.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now for whatever reason she stopped writing. I think going to her house is the next logical step.

Bad tattoos and 5 cylinder cars

It has been fifteen days since my last post. In that time I found Jesus and adopted a small African boy named Oookkaaa. The first k is silent. I'm lying. It is actually the second k that is silent. In other news I saw a guy today at the gym with an Acura symbol tattooed on his arm. I kid you not, it was an Acura symbol. He did jazz it up a bit with big colorful flames. Pretty fire makes me happy.

My neighbor is trying to unload his '93 Acura Vigor. My match making skills are finally going to pay off.

The Departed

I saw The Departed yesterday and all I have to say is "wow." Actually that isn't all I have to say but it is a start. Most people will see the movie for Nicholson or DiCaprio. I say go see it for Mark Wahlberg. His character and dialogue were amazing. I can imagine Scorsese coaching him:

Scorsese - "Just play yourself if you never made it out of Boston."
Wahlberg - "Shut up, you dumb guinea!!"
Scorsese - "I think you're ready."

Mark Walbherg has officially redeemed himself for making Planet of the Apes. Now that I think about it, what is with Mark Wahlberg making nothing but remakes?

• The Italian Job
• The Truth About Charlie
• Planet of the Apes
• The Departed

Happy Birthday To Me!

Hello everyone,

Thirty-one years ago today with one epidural and plenty of pizza my mother released me from her loins. The years have been good to me. Some of the highlights:

• Cured cancer when I was 5.
• Created a vaccine for AIDS when I was 12.
• Earned my first billion by 15.
• Posed in Playgirl at 18.
• Graduated from med/business/law school at 19.
• Introduced the indigenous people of New Guinea to a banking system using coconuts at 23.
• Fought Uday Hussein to the death at 28
• Found a renewable natural fuel to power flying cars at 30.

Even with everything I have accomplished I still wouldn't mind some gifts:

• Defender
• Explorer
• 959
• Batcave
• Turbo

Thanks everyone!

One week down, 1559 to go

I never realized I could accomplish so much with my life. I actually made it five days in a row without taking a nap. Oh, and coincidently I just finished my first week at my new job. It wasn't all bad. They have those hard candies with the liquid centers that my grandmother used to have. Life is good!

Celebrity spotting, Phil style

So I got a call the other night and it went down like this:

Ring. . .Ring. . .Ring

Barry: Hello
Phil: Dude, I am in my car and I just pulled up next to Peter Dinkladge. He's driving a blue Kia.
Barry: Bullshit
Phil: I swear
Barry: Take a picture
Phil: Okay, hold on. (fumbling sound) Dude, I can't get the photo it is too dark, but I am sure it was him. Why else would he be freaked out that I was staring at him.
Barry: Could it be the fact he was some random midget and you were trying to take his photo at a traffic light.
Phil: Yeah maybe that was it. I am still sure it was him.
Barry: Sure it was.

Happy New Year!

I really hope 5767 treats me better than 5766. Have a great holiday everyone!!!

B-I-N-G-O and Bel Air was his name O

Played Bingo last night at Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood. The host was a transvestite wearing more makeup than Cesar Romero circa 1966. The best part is I won a game called ‘Top or Bottom.’ Thankfully I was a top. In typical West Hollywood fashion the prize was a mini facial and an eyebrow waxing. Let the jokes commence.

Lockdown

Violated my parole

Prisoner #6473285, you have been sentenced to life in a cubicle for the crime of having no money.

Yes, it is true: I am going back to work. My lack of money and drive have forced me to realize I cannot get by on the fact I have three nipples (it is five bucks to see them, ten to touch).

I am going to suit up in a standard prison issue Banana Republic uniform and pretend that I care about nothing and everything for at least a few weeks. Eventually the warden will realize I snuck in and have me removed.

I would give more details about the job, but you never know who is a prison snitch. Can't risk it, at least not until I make a shiv out of my Oral B toothbrush.

National Butterscotch Pudding Day

Get off your ass and eat some pudding. You owe it to your country.

Houston's

I am pretty sure that if there was a nuclear holocaust and there were only cockroaches left on the planet, I would still have to wait 45 minutes for a table at Houston's.