Can't we just call it One and a Half Men?

As I type this, Jon Cryer is literally crying in a darkened room. Previously known as a poor-man's Matthew Broderick, until recently John Cryer's career could be summed up by his most notable role; playing the guy that was even less-appealing than Andrew McCarthy.

So while all the gossip pages are focusing on the nuclear crater that is Charley Sheen, everyone seems to have forgotten about the real victim here, Jonathan Niven Cryer. Poor bastard, just when things were looking up too....

Current events with Skip Dickford

Skip: You see that state?
Barry: Huh
Skip: Libya. It is a mess over there.
Barry: Yeah
Skip: They may get it all straight, but even then, not like I want to go to Egypt.
Barry: Oh?
Skip: I have a friend who just went to China. Such a long flight.
Barry: Yeah
Skip: You want to see Chinese, just go to a laundry in the Bronx. I have to go put my slacks on.
Barry: Bye

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

"Happy Birthday to me"

[ed. note: coulda been a lot worse]

Actual conversation with my friend Skip Dickford - part 1

Skip: I kinda want to bang the girl from Parks and Recreation.
Barry: Which one?
Skip: The one that was also in Funny People. Aubrey Plaza. She's like half Puerto Rican, but in a good way.
Barry: Amazing line


I would assume this is half Puerto Rican in a bad way:


Look here for more amazing conversations with Skip Dickford in the weeks to come.

Slomin's Shield Hates Women

I bet you didn't know this, but women be crazy. It's a fact, look it up... or just accept the examples offered by the good people at The Slomin's Shield.

It's no secret that ads typically distort the facts in order to move product, but I guess when you're trying to sell a home security system with as jewey a name as "The Slomin's Shield" you gotta pull out the big guns, and there is no gun bigger than a crazy-ass woman, am I right?

In the first ad, we're introduced to a couple who think their house has been robbed, nothing out of the ordinary until we get to see the alternate ending where it turns out that it was the neighbor's house that got robbed.



Apparently life with the Slomin's Shield allows you to be a petty bitch that relishes the sense of superiority and schadenfreude that result from seeing your neighbors get robbed. Did you notice how she turned on a dime from being worried about her precious stuff to rolling her eyes and saying "I told you so" about the neighbor?

Next up is the same couple except this time, they flipped the text. Here we're told that unless you get the Slomin's Shield your wife is gonna be nothing but an angry harpie buzz-kill that won't let you leave the house.



Notice that look she shoots him when he tries to suggest something fun? Shrinkage. So where the first ad seemed to be marketed toward the women by saying "If you get the Slomin's Shield you can be a real bitch", the second seems to be targeted toward the men with the message that "If you get the Slomin's Shield, your wife will stop being a real bitch". Either way you cut it, Slomin's thinks women are bitches.

Just check this final ad out, in both instances the woman is a chicken-headed mess. The only difference is that when you have the Slomin's Shield, you can pretty much tell your wife to shut the fuck up and chill out...



Really, the only thing missing from his reaction to her concern was him calling her a dumb broad when he orders her to go back to sleep (after she takes her ass downstairs to make him a sandwich of course).

Chernobyl, the good side effects

Has anyone noticed how Russia produces nothing but insane tennis players and super models? I am now 100% convinced that we can attribute this growth spurt in hotness and athleticism to radiation poisoning. I have nothing to go on but science when I say this. I can prove my hypothesis with the help of American scientist Bruce Banner. First he was weak and not athletic, then he got a very large dose of gamma rays and suddenly he's ripped and in my opinion very handsome. I think I can say case closed but if for some reason you do not think my findings are accurate I present to you all the proof you need in the form of Ирина Шайхлисламова. She is on the cover of the new Sport's Illustrated swimsuit issue. I would not make her angry if I were you.

Happy Valentine's Day

Sell, sell, sell

I swear I read on my iPad while pooping that the Huffington Post was sold for $315 million to AOL. Now I don't want to tell Mr. AOL how to do his business, but he could have had The Barry Rides for half that. I mean the content is just about the same. Both are run by people who know nothing about politics. I don't really see a difference. I need to put together a business plan to sell this blog for the next time Compuserve calls me regarding that that fourteen year old delinquent bill. I feel a windfall coming my way.

Tough times, even for a Highlander

I was walking through my office parking lot today when I saw Connor MacLeod's broken down Mitsubishi Montero languishing in the sun. I knew the economy was bad, but I didn't know it was this bad. I have to assume the "one" lost his vast fortune with Bernie Madoff. There can be no other explanation for him driving such a shitbox. I mean even a regular bank account earning half a percent has to be worth millions after a few hundred years. He should have at least enough money to buy a Nissan or a Honda by now.

How to Lose a Guy - Day 5

OK, so this didn't play out as we initially planned. Since neither Barry nor I have have ever had any trouble losing a significant other and since we can't realistically suggest actually becoming either of us, we're at a loss when trying to come up with ways of how to make yourself repellent to the opposite sex.

That said, here's a suggestion that's been kicking around my head for awhile, fake diarrhea.

You see, years ago I came up with the idea that I wanted to take a can of Hormel® Chili into a bar that had a one-toilet bathroom, and dump the chili all over over the toilet seat and bowl so that it looked like some scumbag crapped all over the place. Sure that sounds awful, but the zinger was that I wanted to then smear some of the chili on the inside doorknob of the bathroom so that when someone, confronted with this abomination, tried to flee in disgust with this horrific image still burnt in their mind, would end up grabbing what they thought was a doorknob full of anonymous feces. Sure, some of you will debate whether a hand full of Hormel® Chili is worse than one full of excrement, but at least the FDA has deemed the chili to be safe for human contact (this may change after the recent laws that strengthen the FDA's purview).

Anyway, I think a strategically spilled can of chili can solve the boyfriend issue. After all, you be the judge....

It's Award Season

They announced the Oscar nominees the other day and I thought I'd get in on the action. However, since I'm a shut-in and don't get to see movies until they're shown as UPN's late-night movie, I can't really write about the current crop of pictures. Instead I'd like to present a list of my 5 favorite portrayals of mentally retarded people:


5) Leonardo DiCaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Honestly, based on his performance in this film I actually thought Leonardo DiCaprio had non-disjunction, that is, until I saw Blood Diamond - no way a retarded person could do a South African accent that well.


4) Sean Penn in I am Sam. He was so retarded in this movie that if you get pregnant within 2 days of seeing him in this, your baby will be 100% special.


3) Chris Burke in Life Goes On. To be honest, he deserves #1 but it was a TV role so it gets less credit. FYI, I hear that he's into method acting and doesn't break character, even between takes.


2) Keanu Reeves in his entire career. I don't know who his agent is, but Keanu's really gotten typecast. He should try acting in a non-retarded role one of these days.


1) Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. You can't argue with success. After all, he did win an Oscar for this role as a retarded lawyer who bravely sued his former employers for wrongful dismissal after they discovered that he was retarded. Tom Hanks even lost 26 pounds in order to be more convincing as a retarded person. Now that's what I call acting.

How to loose a guy - Day 4

I have to say coming up with ten ways to ditch a guy is harder than I thought. I mean most men are stupid. In fact if you say hello to most guys they will think you love them. Case in point I think Guadalupe, the cleaning woman in my office wants me because she said "que basura" to me as I left yesterday. I have no clue how she plans to break up with me, but I can tell you it better not be a work. That is my place of business and I need to be professional there.

I have been going back and forth on what the best method would be to have someone ditch you and I usually come back to sex with a black man (see previous day posts). Since I don't know any girls who will have sex with black men or any girls for that matter I am going to throw out my second choice which is to shit your pants in front of your boyfriend's friends by sharting (shit/fart). Then tell everyone how awesome it was and that you are wearing a thong. I am pretty sure you will be single by night's end.

Jake - Day 5 is all you.

Greatest Video Ever

Anyone remember when MTV used to show videos?

In the beginning of MTV, I remember that there were only a handful of videos to show, mostly Rod Stewart or Cheap Trick promotional concert clips that were shot in the '70s. Once the channel caught on though, music videos became recognized as an art-form in their own right. They were mostly still crap, but at least the bands tried to create some sort of narrative or theme. Then Thriller came out and everything changed. Suddenly, videos became more and more elaborate, they had plots, helicopters, explosions and sequels. Jay Z was Big Pimpin on a yacht the size of the love boat and Lisa "left eye" was turning into the water creature from "The Abyss". Sure the spectacle was entertaining, but it became a little soul-less. No one cared about the music anymore, it was all about who had the bigger budget or the coolest car in the video.

That's why I'm happy to present a real music video by Public Enemy, not only is the song fucking awesome, but it looks like it was shot while Chuck D helped Flavor Flav move out of the apartment he occupied over the Chicken Delight on the Babylon Turnpike. This is the definition of Keeping it Real.

*I particularly love the footage of Chuck D throwing lumber in a dumpster, and pushing Flavor around in a shopping cart from King Kullen.

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. - MLK

How to Lose a Guy - Day 3

1: Click on the image below to open it in its own full-size window.

2: Print the image onto glossy photo-paper.

3: Frame the image and place it on your nightstand.



Relationship over.

How to lose a guy - Day 2

"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
-Paul Simon

50 ways indeed, 51 if you happen to look like Paul Simon. Which leads us to method #2:

Explain to your boyfriend that you have a very specific sexual fetish that involves the both of you dressing up as Simon and Garfunkel during intercourse (you need to refer to it as intercourse, the more clinical your description, the better). It doesn't really matter who's who (although you could mention that you prefer to be Simon), what is of vital importance though, is that you each wear your respective character's wig (crafted entirely from your cat's old hair), and that you always stay in character

(that is sing along to Live in Central Park, and look each other in the eyes during the lyrics to 'Old Friends').

"Can you imagine us years from today; sharing a park-bench quietly? How terribly strange to be seventy."

After that revelation, nature should take its course.
Interestingly enough; this is supposed to be the reason behind the real Simon & Garfunkel's break-up.

How to lose a guy in ten days

Today a blogger friend came to me on bended knee and begged me to give her advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. She was previously smitten but now of course hates his guts. When she told me she was going on vacation tomorrow, but would see him one last time tonight, my advice was to let him throw it in one more time and dump him when she got back. Why do today what you can put off till tomorrow? On a serious note, she got me thinking, how can a girl ditch a guy that she no longer wants to make sweet coitus with? We here at the Barry Rides have decided to do five minutes of research and report back to all you hapless women on how to ditch your losers to get with heroes. Over the next ten days we plan to give you a new idea daily until our grand finale that may or may not involve Hormel Chili. So without further adieu, method one:

Hang a framed picture of Wesley Snipes from Demolition Man above your bed. Make no mention of it. If asked, say it has been there the whole time and dump him instantly for being so unobservant.


Your Welcome!

More tomorrow.

The Barry Rides now has a sponsor

For the last year, a select few companies have been courting the management at the Barry Rides in the hopes that we would allow them to advertise on the site. You see in the world of blogging, you are either on the Barry Rides or you aren't. After much consideration we decided to let a small family owned bean manufacturer be our first sponsor. Let me be the first to introduce you to the world's greatest beans, Armenibeans. You see in the world of beans you are either made with back hair or you aren't.


Thanks Armenibeans for keeping the lights on.

New Year's Resolution: Go Green!

Barry's post about the Deuce Candle got me thinking about some of the other business ideas that we've been kicking around at TheBarryRides and since it's January 1st, I'd like to suggest a New Year's resolution for the readers of this blog; I think it's time you went Green.

We've all heard Al Gore tell us about the trees and the polar bears, fuck 'em. I've got a better reason for why you should make going green this year's goal: the sense of superiority it gives you over other people.

I can't tell you how good it feels to stand in the check out line of my grocery store and scowl at the other shoppers as they pack their high fructose corn syrup-based soft drinks into their plastic bags. When the check out person asks "paper or plastic" I love to smugly say, "Oh no, I've got my own", and let me tell you, it's a doozie; a fair-trade, unbleached canvas number with a recycled logo on the side - just in case one of those dumb animals at the store didn't get the hint that I love the environment. Sometimes, I even carry a yoga mat around in it and drink water from an aluminum canister that I've attached to the strap with a carabiner. However, the problem I've became faced with is; how can I find a way for people like me to enjoy this rush of superiority even when we're not at the grocery store. Sure there are other things I do; I buy packages of compact fluorescent bulbs so I can be seen throwing them out by my neighbors, and I bought a Civic Hybrid badge on craigslist that I've attached to my car's trunk panel so it looks like I drive a low emissions vehicle, but that's small time, I wanted something that really screams "I'm better than you" to my neighbors and fellow community members. Then it dawned on me, and I'm willing to let you all in on the ground floor of this: Fake Solar Panels.

BOOM, that sound you just heard was you cuming in your pants.

Think about how righteous you could be if you had solar panels on your house. Sure your neighbor just used Obama's tax credits to put weather-stripping on their windows, or new storm doors, or some shit, but come on, really? You've got fucking solar panels on your roof! That's like having Ed Begley Jr blow you during the Superbowl Halftime show. The problem has always been that solar panels are really expensive, and while they may elevate your social status, the cost hasn't yet justified the return as it relates to holier-than-thou superiority - until now. What I'm proposing is a super-realistic facsimile of a solar panel, except that it's made out of cardboard and that it actually does nothing except convey the sort of self-contentedness that could only be previously obtained by riding shotgun in Sean Penn's Katrina rowboat.

There it is, let The Barry Rides climb up on your roof, so you can climb up on your high horse. So lets hear it for 2011-Making The Keeping It Green®.

Happy New Year Motherfucker

Time marches on. This is the year to become rich. I am taking all ideas seriously.

Business Idea #34
Deuce shaped candles that smell like chocolate or possibly lilac. You strategically place them around your bathroom to cover up the smell of the bean burrito that just left your body. Imagine having a date over. Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. She walks in to see a burning log sitting on the toilet tank. In her horror she catches a wiff of cocoa. If you don't score in the confusion, you never will.

Anyone have a candle making kit?