It's who you know - Skip Dickford

I was talking to Skip yesterday when he mentioned that his neighbor has a big job for XXXXX magazine. I changed the name because I don't really feel like having my blog show up in search engines. Anyway, I mention to Skip that XXXXX owns the company that as of Friday no longer pays me to come in (whether I still go in tomorrow to scare people is debatable). I explain in painful detail that XXXXX wanted revenue to go up and the only way to do that was to cut heads and my head was the first to go. Dumbfounded since Skip literally had no idea where I worked, there was an exchange of a few questions before Skip decided to say, hey you want me to talk to my neighbor and see if he can do anything about getting your job back. Not discounting Skip's persuasive manner, I do know where he lives and that is not in an area where anyone who could get me my job back would even bother stopping to get gas. I of course say no and that there is no chance he can do anything to help me. Skip and I end the conversation with him telling me how humid it is and I proceed to go about my day.

Literally ten minutes later my phone rings and it is Skip screaming for me to tell him where I work again because he talked to his neighbor and all he needs is the company name and I will be employed shortly. Now being that Skip can't remember what I do, where I work, or what his neighbor's name is, I don't have high hopes. Stay tuned. Stranger things have happened.

Grandparents with Skip Dickford

Barry: Hi Skip
Skip: You know I am your child's only grandparent
Barry: Yup
Skip: She would have a grandfather but Hitler took care of that.
Barry: Look at the time. Will talk to you later.

Editor's Notes:
Skip Dickford is my mother
I have a child. I know shocking.
My father, my child's grandfather, died in 2006. I can't believe Hitler discovered time travel.

Tough times with Skip Dickford

Barry: Skip, Jake's mom had a bunch of mini strokes.
Skip: That's too bad. She's a nice lady. You know Bob Hopes' wife died.
Barry: Who gives a shit about Bob Hope's wife
Skip: Sorry. Why are you being nasty? You know mayor Koch had a stroke.
Barry: Goodbye Skip

Some facts:
Jake's mom should be fine.
That isn't me in the pic.
Skip Dickford is my mom!!!!!

Live forever? No thanks!

The other day Skip Dickford told me he read an article about aging and a few things really stood out to him. The article stated that in the next five years someone would be born who would live to 200 years old. I know you are astonished, but if that isn't shocking enough the article also said that in the next twenty years someone would be born that would make it to a 1000 years old. Holyshit, can you say Highlander? Then again I guess these people aren't immortal. I mean a gun could still kill these old bastards. Hell you can kill most grandmas by yelling at them, but this is definitely interesting. I pressed Skip for the facts or where he read it, but all he could say was he read it the same day he had Fruity Pebbles for breakfast. Yabba, Dabba, doo, I would like to make it to 200. Then again, I don't know if the people who have figured all this out have realized the major flaw in living a long time. As you age your nose and ears continue to grow. Being that I was born with a huge nose and dumbo ears, if I live anywhere past my 41st birthday, odds are I won't be able to lift my head off the table from the shear weight of my nose hair alone, not to mention the fact my ears will probably suffocate me in my sleep. Think about how freakish the world will be with all these huge nosed old people running around. It would be like living in Germany circa 1938. No thanks.
Old person

Skip Dickford has an Uncle

Uncle David: Skip, can I talk to you?
Skip: Sure, Uncle David, what is it?
Uncle David: You really should use Rogaine.
Skip: It's too late for me. My hair is all gone and honestly I don't care.
Uncle David: Listen, I use it, my son in laws use it.
Skip: It's too late.
Uncle David: You take care of yourself. You stay in shape. You should have hair!
Skip: I honestly don't give a shit.
Uncle David: You have such a nice little body. I think you should listen to your Uncle David.

Current events with Skip Dickford

Skip: You see that state?
Barry: Huh
Skip: Libya. It is a mess over there.
Barry: Yeah
Skip: They may get it all straight, but even then, not like I want to go to Egypt.
Barry: Oh?
Skip: I have a friend who just went to China. Such a long flight.
Barry: Yeah
Skip: You want to see Chinese, just go to a laundry in the Bronx. I have to go put my slacks on.
Barry: Bye

Actual conversation with my friend Skip Dickford - part 1

Skip: I kinda want to bang the girl from Parks and Recreation.
Barry: Which one?
Skip: The one that was also in Funny People. Aubrey Plaza. She's like half Puerto Rican, but in a good way.
Barry: Amazing line


I would assume this is half Puerto Rican in a bad way:


Look here for more amazing conversations with Skip Dickford in the weeks to come.