The Hoff better buy this

Slightly used '82 Trans Am for sale - does not include William Daniels.

I have a friend who always wanted to have KITT for those nights he was too drunk to drive.


"KITT, I am fucked up. Drive me home. Turbo boost it, bitch"

I hid the afikomen in my pants

I had to hit the internet to figure out what afikomen was. What do you want from me, I suffered from hyperactivity during Hebrew School. Let's hope this year's seder is as good as the last.

It's pronounced 'Dumb Ass'

This conversation took place only moments ago. I love my friends.

J - was just staring at my computer screen
B - and
J - started chewing on the power adapter plug for my computer
J - shocked my muth
J - mouth
B - shut up
B - did not
J - yup
J - not insane pain
B - were you chewing the end/
J - just a little
B - nut bag
J - just kind of holding it in my teeth
J - the end with metal on it
B - what is wrong with you
J - so much

The Barry Renaissance

I have been abusing the word 'renaissance' lately like it is my red headed step child.

Here are some of the things that in my mind (all that matters) are going through a renaissance:

South Park - I just started watching it again after like a eight year break. I now use what I have learned from Cartman to get me through any and all social situations (see below).

Seinfeld - There was a point after the show ended I couldn't watch it. I felt it was dated. I don't know if it is because I am older and wiser or dumber and younger but I now can fully relate to every narcissistic character on the show.

Ice Cube - Sure now he makes shit movies for the man, but there was a time when white people were afraid of him. I miss those times. That's why I downloaded a couple of tracks off the 'Death Certificate' album. Yeah, I'm hard.

I know there are other things I wanted to add to this list but I am tired of typing.

The Mother from Twins

I had just finished scarfing down my last bit of Butterscotch Budino (pudding for you laymen) at Mozza when I made the most obscure call of my professional career. I saw Bonnie Bartlett walking through the restaurant. She played Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito's long lost mother in the masterpiece movie Twins.

I have got to be using at least 27% of my brain.

New Friend, Old Jew

I met my brother's latest victim friend Friday night. I will preface my mockery by saying I really liked her. I liked her so much that I want to play a game at her expense. Let's play "Guess Amy's Age." Shit, did I just use air quotes? Anyway, I will describe things about her and you can guess the decade in which she was born.

Hints:
1. She drives a Scion
2. She has a Sears Mastercard
3. She once used a coupon from "The Entertainment Book" (Fucking Air Quotes) for a discount on dinner. No, the meal wasn't in the Catskills.
4. She is not a Holocaust Survivor.

The first person to guess Amy's age correctly gets two tickets to Red Buttons' Comedy tour as soon as it hits your section of Century Village.

Whats wrong with me?

I used air quotes at least five times on Friday. If that isn't reason enough for a beating, I am not sure what is.

So good

I have been searching for this clip all day. This is has got to be what Tina Turner was thinking about when she sang "Simply the Best"

Life is like Seinfeld, just accept it

I mean that in a good way.

Today I took my first ride on the new road bike. I went with one of the best riders from a local group. Much to my surprise and his I destroyed him. No hill was too big. He spent the entire two hours sucking wind while I cruised like I was powered by a jet engine. I am an inspiration to all my friends. If I can do it anyone can. I have given Elaine the confidence to run J. Peterman.

Did I mention my riding buddy was in his late 50s and he is the youngest of his group?

Year of the Eyebrow Zit

The Chinese have done some miscalculations. It isn't the year of the pig, it is the year of the eyebrow zit. Those awful, painful little bastards are taking up route in unsuspecting follicles everywhere. Well, not everywhere just on eyebrows. Duh!. It is their year to shine. In the course of three months I have been overtaken.

Look away I am hideous!

How much would you pay for a picture?

The bottom half of my new cycling outfit. If this isn't the making of a low budget porno I don't know what is.

New Bike, Old Body

After much deliberation, I just purchased my first road bicycle since I blew my Bar Mitzvah money on a sweet Peugeot 10 Speed back in '89. The new girl needs a name.

R.I.P. Cathy Seipp

On a sad note Cathy Seipp lost her battle with lung cancer today. Even though I only met her once, I enjoyed her company and her writing. Hopefully she is in a better place.

Ask your doctor if Lipitor is right for you

So with careful diet and vigorous masturbation exercise I was able to get my cholesterol down 53 points in 30 days. Since I was unable to drop 100, I am now taking the same medication my 70 year old mother is taking. Correction, my 69 year old mother.

I have this bet with a friend that whoever dies first has to give the surviving friend 100 bucks. Payment should be located in the vest pocket of the loser's funeral suit. What a sucker. No way I am being buried in a suit.

Pow Pow Powerwheels

I can't tell you how many times as a teenager I was kicked out of Toys R Us for driving a Barbie Ferrari down the action figure aisle.

Thirty Year Old Dorks Rejoice

Knowing you are a dork is half the battle:

Yo Joe!

R.I.P. Anna Nicole

Today I was saddened to hear of Anna Nicole's passing. Thankfully I had this to cheer me up: Crane kick to the face

Superbowl

Am I the only person that had no clue who played in the Superbowl? I watched Caddyshack instead. In my professional opinion a much better use of time.

You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Good Year = Bird Poop

I got pooped on by a bird while I was eating a chicken burger. Could it have been revenge? I heard being pooped on was good luck. Powerball here I come!

Crackberry

I am one step closer to not having to have actual contact with people anymore. At the gentle prodding of my coworkers I purchased a Blackberry Pearl last week. I included the model name so people would think I was cool. I'm not the type of loser to get a full size blackberry. I got the small one with the vanity mirror built into the back. Izzz got to look good when Izz be checking the comments on my blog.