More proof the '70's ruled

Such promise

From the Ann Blanche Smith Elementary School book of poetry circa 1985:

Night Fighter
Intelligent
NOT NICE
Judo
Acrobat

by Barry Fein Grade 5

The Vagine

1. Shitting in a plastic bag
2. Jerking off on the street in front of Victoria's Secret
3. Pamela Anderson in a sack
4. Running of the Jew

I make sexy time at Borat. Go see!

Rich!!!!

Some of you may be wondering whatever happened to The Everyman Review. If that is the case you really have too much free time on your hands. The Everyman Review went the way of the dodo. Shifting continents and a hole in the ozone layer killed it. That, and Typepad actually wanted me to pay to host it. Since neither I nor my illustrious partner could afford the seven bucks a month we decided to let it have the slow death it deserved. As luck wold have it, I just received an ADBRITE check for $1.07. Why couldn't this check come before I took a job? That is some good money. The only problem is it was written to the Everyman Review, so I have no clue how to cash it. Damn!

Scared Away

A while back I mentioned how I have a secret crush on Niki Gudex. It really isn't a secret. Most people with eyes feel the same way I do. She keeps popping up in my dreams. Anyway I noticed that there is a place on her website to email her. Since she hadn't updated her site in what seems like years I felt it was my duty to find out what gives.

Email to Niki:

You have got to update your site! The hottest girl in mountain biking
owes it to her fans.

An actual response from Niki:

Thanks Barry. It has been an intense year. I hope to put that information online soon/

All the best,
Niki

My first can not leave well enough alone response:

You actually respond to inane emails like mine? I am impressed. I would think you get 50 nutjob emails a day and some guy with a bad mustache would be responding for you. Something like this:

Dear _______.

I know you are my biggest fan but hiding in the woods and jumping out while I am biking is not a good idea. Please keep in mind people know where I am. Don't take this the wrong way but we will never be together not even in heaven.

Now please keep 50 feet away as the restraining order dictates.

Thanks

Niki


Okay I just made myself laugh. Counts for something

Thanks again

Niki's second mistake:

Thanks Barry, that was hilarious and made my day! Yes I do get a lot of email and some would give your second email a run for its money but I just think that if I wrote to someone then it would be cool if they could respond even only briefly. So I just try my best.
Cool, keep laughing!
Cheers,
Niki

Me pushing it too far:

OMG, you wrote back again. Now we are officially in love. I will
notify the American Press, you can deal with Australia. We can ride
our bikes down the aisle at our wedding. As long as the aisle isn't a
hill there shouldn't be a problem.

I give you one more response before your amusement turns into fear.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now for whatever reason she stopped writing. I think going to her house is the next logical step.

Bad tattoos and 5 cylinder cars

It has been fifteen days since my last post. In that time I found Jesus and adopted a small African boy named Oookkaaa. The first k is silent. I'm lying. It is actually the second k that is silent. In other news I saw a guy today at the gym with an Acura symbol tattooed on his arm. I kid you not, it was an Acura symbol. He did jazz it up a bit with big colorful flames. Pretty fire makes me happy.

My neighbor is trying to unload his '93 Acura Vigor. My match making skills are finally going to pay off.

The Departed

I saw The Departed yesterday and all I have to say is "wow." Actually that isn't all I have to say but it is a start. Most people will see the movie for Nicholson or DiCaprio. I say go see it for Mark Wahlberg. His character and dialogue were amazing. I can imagine Scorsese coaching him:

Scorsese - "Just play yourself if you never made it out of Boston."
Wahlberg - "Shut up, you dumb guinea!!"
Scorsese - "I think you're ready."

Mark Walbherg has officially redeemed himself for making Planet of the Apes. Now that I think about it, what is with Mark Wahlberg making nothing but remakes?

• The Italian Job
• The Truth About Charlie
• Planet of the Apes
• The Departed

Happy Birthday To Me!

Hello everyone,

Thirty-one years ago today with one epidural and plenty of pizza my mother released me from her loins. The years have been good to me. Some of the highlights:

• Cured cancer when I was 5.
• Created a vaccine for AIDS when I was 12.
• Earned my first billion by 15.
• Posed in Playgirl at 18.
• Graduated from med/business/law school at 19.
• Introduced the indigenous people of New Guinea to a banking system using coconuts at 23.
• Fought Uday Hussein to the death at 28
• Found a renewable natural fuel to power flying cars at 30.

Even with everything I have accomplished I still wouldn't mind some gifts:

• Defender
• Explorer
• 959
• Batcave
• Turbo

Thanks everyone!

One week down, 1559 to go

I never realized I could accomplish so much with my life. I actually made it five days in a row without taking a nap. Oh, and coincidently I just finished my first week at my new job. It wasn't all bad. They have those hard candies with the liquid centers that my grandmother used to have. Life is good!

Celebrity spotting, Phil style

So I got a call the other night and it went down like this:

Ring. . .Ring. . .Ring

Barry: Hello
Phil: Dude, I am in my car and I just pulled up next to Peter Dinkladge. He's driving a blue Kia.
Barry: Bullshit
Phil: I swear
Barry: Take a picture
Phil: Okay, hold on. (fumbling sound) Dude, I can't get the photo it is too dark, but I am sure it was him. Why else would he be freaked out that I was staring at him.
Barry: Could it be the fact he was some random midget and you were trying to take his photo at a traffic light.
Phil: Yeah maybe that was it. I am still sure it was him.
Barry: Sure it was.

Happy New Year!

I really hope 5767 treats me better than 5766. Have a great holiday everyone!!!

B-I-N-G-O and Bel Air was his name O

Played Bingo last night at Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood. The host was a transvestite wearing more makeup than Cesar Romero circa 1966. The best part is I won a game called ‘Top or Bottom.’ Thankfully I was a top. In typical West Hollywood fashion the prize was a mini facial and an eyebrow waxing. Let the jokes commence.

Lockdown

Violated my parole

Prisoner #6473285, you have been sentenced to life in a cubicle for the crime of having no money.

Yes, it is true: I am going back to work. My lack of money and drive have forced me to realize I cannot get by on the fact I have three nipples (it is five bucks to see them, ten to touch).

I am going to suit up in a standard prison issue Banana Republic uniform and pretend that I care about nothing and everything for at least a few weeks. Eventually the warden will realize I snuck in and have me removed.

I would give more details about the job, but you never know who is a prison snitch. Can't risk it, at least not until I make a shiv out of my Oral B toothbrush.

National Butterscotch Pudding Day

Get off your ass and eat some pudding. You owe it to your country.

Houston's

I am pretty sure that if there was a nuclear holocaust and there were only cockroaches left on the planet, I would still have to wait 45 minutes for a table at Houston's.

Career advice at Costco

• 50 gallons of Tide - check
• 2 pounds of potato salad - check
• Economy size package of granola bars - check
• Career advice from Costco employee giving out samples of herbal tea - check

So I was having my lunch at Costco today, cracker with spinach spread, spoonful of pot-roast, mini taco, cracker with seafood spread, piece of turkey bacon, spoonful of pot-roast, baby triangle of quiche, when the woman giving out samples of herbal tea announced she loved her job. My response was, "At least someone does." This was in no way an invitation to talk. I just wanted my 2 ounces of tea and to be on my way. What I got was an impromptu seminar on interviewing.

Here are some of the highlights:

• It's not what you know, but what you say.
• Tell 'em you are looking for a long-term position.
• Never be afraid to quit.

Honestly truer words have never been said to me by a person wearing a hairnet.

Happy Birthday, Pity Meals

Happy Birthday Pity Meals!!!!!!

New post coming tonight.

Time traveling dreamer

Doc, what does this one mean?

Last night I dreamt that I traveled back in time to 1990. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. Best of times because Sizzilean was still available at my local grocer. Worst of times because pegging jeans was still in style. Sadly, instead of using my knowledge of the future to make me rich I ended up back in freshman world history. In my dream version of high school, the desk and teenage acne was the same, but the students and faculty had all been updated. Tobey Maguire was sitting in front of me. We chatted about him eventually playing Spider-man. As the bell rang I got up and told the teacher, who happened to be Stephen Colbert, that he was going to do wonders for Comedy Central. As I walked out the door, Vice Principal Condoleeza Rice walked by. I informed her she would soon be the most powerful woman in America. She looked at me and smiled. I woke up a few minutes later in a cold sweat.

Two turn tables and microphone

Craigslist is a really funny website. It is the only place I know of where you can arrange no strings attached anal sex and buy a used refrigerator; sometimes from the same person. If I am looking for someone to be the recipient of a Dirty Sanchez or a Golden Shower I never think twice about the respectability of whom I will find on craigslist. It is only after I bring cash into the equation that I start to think about being murdered. Since my Cleveland steamers are always free, I am obviously talking about when I am buying or selling items of value on craigslist. For the most part all things bought or sold are done in person, hence the local community aspect.

My last post was all about the funny emails I got in response to my ad for a used Apple Powerbook. I got offered everything short of the money I was actually asking for. Hell, if only I had a child who needed clarinet lessons. That trade really seemed like a good deal. I ended up selling the laptop for full price mind you, but in order to do so I had to let a total stranger into my home. When the guy called to discuss the transaction we talked about the computer for a few minutes before I said half jokingly, "You aren't a serial killer, right? I mean people know you're coming over." He laughed and said he would be over in an hour. This is where it gets amazing. I am standing out front when he pulls up in his late model Saab. The guy has a head full of dreads, a beard, and a sweet sleeveless shirt. He got out of the car carrying a brief case. What's in the brief case? Knives? Apple diagnostic discs? I wasn't sure what to think. Is he going to murder me or argue with me about who the best keyboard player was in the Grateful Dead? I would actually have preferred murder to the latter conversation. Luckily he was just this really cool guy who calls himself the tech-nomadic video blogger. Apparently he has been driving around the country for years in a solar RV breaking beats. He is my new hero. I could learn a lot from this guy. Video blogging is the future. Thank you craigslist. The best part is that according to his site he is looking for people to join his crew.

My brother always says I should network. I am so hitting this guy up to be my mentor. At the very least maybe he can teach me to break it down.

Check out his site and blog. You won't be disappointed.

http://eklektro.blogspot.com/
http://eklektro.net/

Georgia on my mind

I am in the process of selling an old Apple powerbook on craigslist. It used to be that all the scams had me mailing whatever I was selling plus cash (not sure why) to some village in Africa. Well the scammers have improved their game. Now everyone wants me to send my money and goods to Georgia. Very crafty! They almost had me.

Scam 1:

Hello
Thanks for the reply,I receive ur E-Mail concerning my question about this KBOX with the games , im realy in need of this item because im sending it to my clientsomewhere else, so im realy in need of this item .i am located in ,
4 MAKANJUOLS STREET OFF OLUWAGA B/T,
IPAJA LAGOS,
North Georgia,
23401,
US
so i will be prepare to make the payment through United State Postal Money Order because it iS very safe and secure for both of us cos i dont want any confusion or any fraudulent activity to dwell in this transaction that is why i havebeen taking precautions since the last two month cos i got burntand idont want to fall for the same thing again so please understand mypoint,I should have come to see this item but you can attach the picsof the item for me to see cos its very weird to but what you haventseen with your eyes.Therefore i am expecting your name,address,zipcode,city,state so that
i can know where the moneyorder should be send to,And also if you want your money in cash i can pay through cash and it would be insured by United state postal service.But you will have to pay for it if you want it to be insuredor you have to reduce the price of the item if you want me to pay for the Cash packaging. i can offer you $700 last for the items cos i really need it,And for the shipping i will handle that myself cos i have personal account with fedEx shipping company so i will handle the shipping my self.Get back to me if you are satisfied with this or if you have anydifferent opinion.

Scam 2:

Thanks for your reply concerning my enquiry,am base in Alpharetta, North of Georgia United State(NG/US).Am quite comfortable with the condition of the item since i won't be making any repairs on it,i will like to offer you $670 including packing materials without you paying for any shipping charges b'cos i already have an account with FedEx,i would have loved to make the payment in cash and carry but we are not in the same state so i will like to go ahead with the payment by sending you a Money Order which will be sent to you directly from usps office here in Alpharetta or send you a MoneyGram money order which will also be sent to you from a MoneyGram office here in Alpharetta .I wanna buy this Apple Powerbook G4 Aluminum for my step son to fulfill the promise his dad made before he died,i lost my lovely husband to an auto accident on 29th of May 2006 and since then i and his step son tobi have been living seperately and i want to buy the item for him because his dad promised him before death took him away from us and i think with this i and his son can live as a family.Kindly get back to me immediately you receive my E-mail with your full name and mailling address in which the money order will be sent to and the type of money order you perfered most ok.
Regards.