Wasted Youth

I stumbled across this ad in the back of my pristine copy of Boy's Life magazine, May 1987, volume IV and I immediately cried. All these years wasted with no coitus when for what amounted to a week's allowance I could have had a lifetime membership good for live computer sex. For the last three minutes I have been trying to figure out how much sex that really would have gotten me. I mean, if I was 12 in 1987 and I was jerking off an average of three times a day, everyday with the exception of weekends (five times a day), I would think I would have used up my membership pretty quickly. I imagine eventually being turned away like a fat man at a buffet. Fat man equaling horny pre-teen. Buffet equaling pussy. Figure for an extra 12 bucks I could buy a second lifetime membership. I would have destroyed that computer. I have so much to do when I finally invent a time machine. I have some questions though. What is live computer sex? Would I be having sex with an actual living computer or would it be with a tiny woman inside the computer? We are talking 1987 so I think these questions are appropriate.

Fuck Whitey

It should come as no surprise to any regular reader of this blog that Barry and I have long dreamt of becoming "professional" Nazi Hunters. I put professional in quotes because aside from the sheer pleasure of actually capturing a Nazi, there really isn't much in the way of reward. Sure, you may get lucky and stumble upon a Nazi that still has a pile of loot, but those are rare, and these are late days. Most surviving Nazis have already pawned the gold fillings and rectum diamonds that they took from the Jews. Nazi Hunting is like being a struggling artist in that regard, sure you may grind out a little cash doing it, but you really do it because it's your passion, and you better keep your day job.

Which brings us back to the man that the little asian boy, pictured above, wants dead. The news has been reporting that after a 15 year man-hunt, Whitey Bulger, the boston mobster, was apprehended in Santa Monica thanks to a tip from a neighbor. Normally, I'd say "who gives a shit", but then I read that the FBI was offering a $2 million reward for him.

$2 MILLION DOLLARS FOR AN 82 YEAR OLD WHITE MAN!!!

And to make it worse, Barry lived in Santa Monica at one point. Whitey Bulger could have been our day job! You nail Whitey every now and then and it pays for the Nazi operation, no brainer.

Armed with this information, I went to the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List thinking I'd see what other low hanging fruit was out there... WTF? Everyone else on the list is a Mexican drug lord, and they're only offering $100,000 for each of them. The potential ass-kicking to dollar ratio for each of these guys is exponentially higher. I totally missed the boat, I need Woody Allen to become a wanted fugitive so I can Dogg the Bounty Hunter him. I believe it would look something like this...

*Me Bounty-Hunting Woody Allen In Order To Support My Nazi-Hunting Operation

Such a missed opportunity.

It aint all bad

Being in an entourage can have some great perks. In my case as I mentioned earlier it means I get a pay check, but aside from that sometimes being with the right crew gets you some memorable moments.
Was going to a Dodger game yesterday for inter-league play one of them? No.
Was going to a game, sitting in a suite and having unlimited beers handed to me one of them? No.
Was going to a game, having Tommy Lasorda come into the suite and wish a friend happy birthday one of them? No.
Was having Tommy Lasorda ramble on about how there wasn't a "chinaman's chance" that his assistant would ever find a girlfriend one of them? Yes!!!!!!

I love old people. There are no rules once you make it to 80.

Damn you Mother Nature!!!

Due to the recent tsunami, my billable work at my so called day job has dried up quicker than the shores of Japan. This has kinda put me in a pickle (what the fuck does that mean?) because with no billable work comes no paycheck. Sure, I could look for another job but its tough when the best way to describe me is to think about any of the ten to fifteen guys in 50 Cent's entourage. None of them are doing anything, but as long as 50 makes hit records, they get paid! I am one of these people that show up when the projects are good, throws out some jokes, possibly get my project manager lunch, and bill a few hours here and there. With the aftermath of the tsunami, there ain't no hit records coming out and suddenly I am looking for a job at Wendy's. I either need the economy to improve or MC Hammer to have a come back. My hanger on status is going to shit!

I need to get paid!!!

Mikey has irritable bowl syndrome

The other night I had my first bowel of life cereal in what has to be twenty years and it didn't take more than three bites to realize why I haven't had it since Reagan was in the white house. By bite four the sweat was running down my face even though the room was a cool 68 degrees. My ass quivered as I ran to the bathroom. Why did I buy such a stupid belt? Ah, the sweet release of liquid life cereal shooting out my ass in less than 5 mouthfuls. Wait a minute this isn't my bathroom!

Anyway, my point is I am not sure what is in that stuff. Ground up fiberglass? Perhaps something worse like soluble fiber? Whatever it is, one would have to assume that Mikey must have some serious bowel problems if he is still eating this stuff after thirty years. I am guessing full blown Crohn's or maybe just a touch of colitis. Poor kid.



Yeah, I am back to posting.

If I ever had a son - A Father's Day Post

Went to the beach this weekend, at the local market they had this letter hanging on the wall. It's a little tough to read so here's the text:

"When I grow up I want to be a butcher. I want to be a butcher because I like meat. My favorite type of meat is steak. Sausage tastes good too. I also like hamburgers with pickles and ketchup. Another reason why I want to be a butcher is because I want to try other meats. I might end up liking something I have never tried before. If I like it, I will sell it. My friends will want to buy meat from me and tell their families about my excellent fresh meat. In addition I can eat all the meat I want for free since I like meat so much I can eat it whenever I want. I can call my family and tell them to have some meat. As you can see, I want to be a butcher because I like meat. I would try other meats and I can eat meat for free."

I want this kid to be my son.

Tracy Jordan Morgan aint all bad.

There has been a lot of negative press about Tracy Morgan lately. I guess he made some off colored jokes about killing his kid if he was gay and came home lisping. People are acting like he's a pariah. Has anyone ever listed to Tracy on the Howard Stern show? These comments seem tame compared to his normal stuff. Anyway I have to give Louie C.K. credit. He defended Tracy and pointed out the guy is doing standup not preaching at a pulpit. It would be awesome if Tracy was a preacher though. Maybe standing on a milk crate in Union Square, telling everyone the mother ship is coming. Soon enough I'm sure.

Finally, I have to agree with him. If my kid came home and was a black homo, I would want to stab that little nigga too!

Now I know I am not supposed to use that word but come on, this is for the sake of comedy! I am obviously talking about the word "homo".

Weepy Weiner Licked by Breitbart

A trembling, deflated Weiner

Aptly named and over-exposed member of Congress Anthony Weiner
("D"-NY) spilled on his turgid turptitude cocky conduct today during a particularly penis-related press conference, in which he gave penetrating insight into his recent public boners. Barry's staff made contact with Weiner's, and despite much friction and stiff resistance from his right-hand man, managed to milk the following quote directly from Weiner's mouth:

"No, I'm not thinking about running for president in 2012 with Eliot Spitzer as my vice president, but yeah, that would make a pretty funny bumper sticker. By the way put your cock back in your pants, you fucking disgusting bum"

[The Barry Rides declined to do so]

More people that are cooler than I am

Smoking babies, teenagers that sail around the world, and now these broads.... The list keeps growing.

Bummer Dad

These days, with celebrity adoptions being all the rage, I often find myself thinking that it must be a mixed blessing to be a kid that's taken into the home of a celebrity. On one hand, you're typically plucked from abject poverty where, in all likelihood, your tenth birthday would find you either: sewing sneakers in a Taiwanese Nike factory, or performing oral sex on tourists in a Romanian brothel. Neither are particularly appealing options (although at least in the brothel, they allow you a cigarette break every couple hours). On the other hand, if you get adopted by a celebrity, it seems you end up as an accessory, like one of Paris Hilton's dogs; only to be replaced by a newer cuter model once your age and ethnicity are no longer novel.
Take for instance the child recently adopted by Elton John and his husband, David Furnish. This child will probably be raised with every advantage one can have. He'll be offered opportunities that few could ever wish for, and probably be loved and cared for in the best possible way. But... he's named after one of Elton John's songs, and he'll probably be kept up all night while his dads throw fabulous Victorian costume parties in their palatial mansion. Kinda shitty, no? (Coulda been worse, he could be named Crocodile Rock I guess).

Any way you cut it, it seems like a drag, until you consider the following unfortunate: Ted Mann. Here's a guy that was raised like a normal kid, only to find out later in life that his biological father was Ted Nugent, the beef jerky eating, s-whistling, bow-hunting, motor-city madman.

Not since Luke Skywalker, has someone discovered that they had a suckier dad.

Kent, I want 500 words on this by the morning....

Generally I'm not superstitious, but I'm beginning to believe the rumor that the cast of the Superman movies was cursed. First you had Margot Kidder going bat-shit, taking her teeth out, and moving into a bush. Sure that was bad, but she was Canadian, so it seemed to make sense. Then there was Marlon Brando, he got super-fat and his kid killed some people, but again who doesn't that happen to? Christopher Reeve fell off of a horse and subsequently required a nurse to massage the poop out of him. Tragic and awful, but come on, horse jumping? That's just slightly less dangerous than Thunderdome. So while everyone said the cast was cursed, I was able to chalk all of these things up to coincidence.

That is, until I read this morning's news. Apparently Jackie Cooper, the actor that played the newspaper editor, Perry White, died yesterday in a nursing home. He was 88 years old. In the words of someone much wiser than myself:

...and it is in the humble opinion of this
narrator that this is not just "Something
That Happened." This cannot be "One of those
things..." This, please, cannot be that.
And for what I would like to say, I can't.
This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance.
-Ricky Jay, Magnolia
What sort of evil shit went down on that movie set in order to bring on this type of karmic-shitstorm? Maybe the movie was filmed on an Indian burial-ground, or maybe Jimmy Olsen punched a gypsy between takes. Whatever the story is, if you ever see Terrence Stamp walking towards you on the sidewalk, I suggest you cross the street.

America ruins everything. . . Bin Laden dead!

For close to ten years I have been threatening to write a screenplay about my trials and tribulations of hunting Bin Laden. Now it seems pointless to share my journey with the world. I will say this, in act one I hunt Osama while wearing a kid's small Boba fett mask. In act two I cry at my father's grave while pumping my fists in the air. Finally in act three I spend my reward for capturing the leader of al Qaeda like I was an extra in Lottery Ticket. It was to be my finest work. Alas, the world will never see it.

Osama bin Laden is DEAD

In more important news, I neglected to fully close the bag in my Grape-Nuts box yesterday and they are fuckin kinda stale now. Also I'm having trouble re-rooting my HTC Evo 4G, which really pisses me off, cause I think Sprint added some kind of cockblocking software to their latest firmware update. Goddammit, and tomorrow's Monday. Fuck my life.

Who Is Picking This Art?

Got this pop-up today when checking my email, and aside from not caring who takes care of my loved ones once I die (I plan to be buried at sea along with everything I own), I am struck by the inappropriateness of the girl's funeral attire. If my daughter showed up at my burial site wearing hot-pants, I'd burst forth from the grave like the dead father in Creepshow and force her to put on some proper clothing.



Although, since I am going to be buried at sea, I guess shorts would be appropriate....

Never mind.

The Onion Appreciates the Magic of the Fast & Furious

Barry and I have talked about attempting to write an installment to the Fast & Furious franchise, however we always felt that the only way we'd be able to re-create the brilliance of the previous writers' vision would be to do all the writing while under the influence of Ambien. It seems we overlooked the most obvious solution; partner up with a 5 year old.....


Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"

The kid's clearly a genius. I can't wait to see his sequel to Four Brothers with Marky Mark.

Skip Dickford has an Uncle

Uncle David: Skip, can I talk to you?
Skip: Sure, Uncle David, what is it?
Uncle David: You really should use Rogaine.
Skip: It's too late for me. My hair is all gone and honestly I don't care.
Uncle David: Listen, I use it, my son in laws use it.
Skip: It's too late.
Uncle David: You take care of yourself. You stay in shape. You should have hair!
Skip: I honestly don't give a shit.
Uncle David: You have such a nice little body. I think you should listen to your Uncle David.

The internet can now be dismantled

Sure it's saved me a lot of money now that I don't have to mail my electric bills back to PSE&G, but now that I've seen the following video, the internet can now be shut down.

CAUTION: the following video, as all great things on the internet, is VERY NSFW. However it achieves nearly 90% of everything you've ever asked the internet to provide you with in a video, that is: a naked hippy wizard with an impossibly small penis getting tazed by police at a music festival while on ecstasy.

I feel bad for the guy, but honestly it's like the t-shirt says.....

Solidarity with the Japanese People

In this tough time I wish everyone in Japan the best. Hoping the damage isn't as bad as it appears on tv and that the country recovers quickly. I also wish to offer my deepest condolences for the lives lost.

Mike Honcho

For the past four years I have gone to the same client twice a week. Each time I go, I sign in at the security desk. They ask my name, who I'm meeting, and then proceed to print me out a nice little stick on badge as a reminder that I am wasting my life. Thankfully after all these years I can still amuse myself.

There is something I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I... I mean you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.

Oy - Lent

Decided to give up Judaism for Lent. I figure forty days without me whining about money or what on my body hurts would do everyone some good.

This is an actual picture that came up when I googled "Lent and Judaism"