I'm back

Thanks for the outpouring of concern. I know you were all worried. Listen to what happened. I was in the middle of an intense game of Simon when I fell into my freezer while trying to simultaneously press red, red, blue, green, and get a frozen snickers bar. Before I knew it the door slammed shut and I was frozen in position. Thankfully the power went out last night and I was able to thaw. Now was it blue, blue, red green, or red, red blue, yellow? No matter. I am back and ready to make your minds explode.

He is Risen!

Jesus Christ, King of the Jews

Happy Easter from all of us 
at The Barry Rides!

Don't hate me because I'm Chosen..

JEW

In order to bump Randy's racist tirade from the top of the blog, I thought I'd write something that celebrates multiculturalism and highlights the point that we're not as different as we all may think. Since we're in the middle of Passover, the Jewish holiday that celebrates how God reigned 10 plagues down on everyone who wasn't Jewish, now is the perfect time to remind you readers that we're all equal (unless you're not Jewish, then you're shit, and you deserved the boils, blood, frogs, and smiting of the first born).

Look son, a faggot!

Obviously the father is pointing at Kim Jong Il, a Charlie that currently runs some shit starving-ass third world country in China or whatever. Mr. Il's navy apparently torpedoed and sank a South Korean ship this morning, possibly endangering our supply chain of cell phones and flat screens. He then warned the United States that if we threaten him in any way, and I shit you not, America will "fall victim to the unprecedented nuclear strikes of the invincible army".

The Barry Rides will not stand for this kind of unprovoked aggression.

We hereby submit the following open letter to Supreme Leader of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Kim Jong Il, and all the citizens of North Korea:

To Kim Jong Ching Chong and all the people of your stinky shitty country-

The Barry Rides will not tolerate this type of inflammatory rhetoric. Especially from a nation most of us cannot locate. You have awoken a mighty beast, and you will pay a devastating price for your stupid idiocy. You have unleashed forces that you cannot even begin to comprehend with your teeny tiny pea-brains, and you will regret the moment you made the ultimate mistake by insulting us. 

The Barry Rides hereby declares Ultimate and Total War against the nation of North Korea. Make no mistake, you have made the hugest mistake ever by provoking us, and you will be destroyed in the most spectacular and ruthless fashion in all the history of Mankind. We will rain hellfire down upon your fishlike heads, and put shit in your drinking water. We will enslave all of you, and force you to fight each other in Karate matches for our amusement. We will wipe our asses with your nicest towels and feign ignorance when confronted about it. We will bombard your self esteem with racist jokes.

If you surrender unconditionally within the next 24 hours we will only kill half of your first born sons and poison only two thirds of your rice. Regardless, you will suffer horrors that will make all other Chinese people of the world think twice about ever pissing us off in the slightest.

Sincerely,

Barry of The Barry Rides

Pump Station

My office recently built a special room where women can go, sit in privacy, hook up their computers, and use their personal breast pumps to produce milk for their children. I assume these women are supposed to be lactating, but I have never asked. Anyway, I was wondering would it be so wrong if I used this room to jerk off? These women go in there when their breasts get engorged to relieve the pressure. Well I have the same problem with my cock. I sit at my desk and sometimes it gets "full". Why can't I go in there with my computer for fifteen minutes (if I use the right hand) to have some release? It would make me more comfortable and relaxed so I can focus on work. I am really thinking about the company here. I don't see the difference between me whipping out my junk and stroking it and pulling out a boob and pumping the milk out. I can even use the same jars and put it in the fridge. I think I am going to ask my local HR representative what she thinks.

Choke On It

I was reading the New York Times food section the other day (because I'm classy and urbane) and I saw an article about how the new hip ingredient that everyone's getting into is rabbit and while that might turn some people off, it made perfect sense to me. You see, the simple fact is, when faced with a choice of what to eat, the easiest way to cut through the bullshit is to always eat the cuter animal. For your consideration:



Cows are pretty damn tasty, and they can be pretty cute in a weird way, but you know what's better than beef? Veal. And you want to know why? It's cuter. I mean look at this thing...



Who wouldn't want to eat that? But I can go one further, lamb is even more delicious than veal, just look at this little fucker, my mouth is watering as I type this...



And with lamb you get to see this law in action. Think about the fact that the older and more haggerd a lamb gets, the tougher and more gamey it's meat becomes. Who wants to eat this thing?



So yeah, when I read about restaurants adding cute little bunnies to their menus I don't get outraged or grossed out, I make a reservation. I say fuck it, why stop with the usual farm-type animals, I bet Panda is the most delicious thing on earth, I want to eat one with some BBQ sauce. Imagine what a sea otter must taste like when it uses its tiny little paws to smash open mussel shells with river stones, so cute. Genie pops out of a bottle and asks me what I want to eat? Raven Symone circa 1989 with a can of orange slice.



That's my death-row meal.

Giving back

I just had a dream I was doing community service in Hermosa Beach. I guess it's possible since odds are I will eventually be arrested for the 63 simultaneous crimes against nature I just committed. Funny enough, the police from Reno 911 were in charge of my community service. Deputy S. Jones was my case officer. I drove around in his cruiser to avoid doing any real work. Dreams are great!

Has it been 37 years already

Sometimes I worry about my brother. He stopped shaving awhile ago. He likes to let the beard grow for about a month so it gets super scratchy, then when he can't take it anymore he has The Shave of Beverly Hills clean it off. That is all fine and dandy but they went out of business a few weeks ago. Now I am worried he will be walking around his apartment with a billy goat beard and shoe boxes stuffed with cum rags for shoes. It is like he is the poor man's Howard Hughes. No jars of urine yet but I am pretty sure his pants are full of shit. Wow this went off topic quick. I just wanted to wish my brother a happy birthday. Thirty seven years ago my mom was rushed to the ER and after seven hours, three feet of intestine and my brother emerged from her anus. It was a great day.

Enjoy the day you fag!


*Good news The Shave has reopened! It's a birthday miracle.

Shutter Island the review

You might be wondering why there is a picture of Bar Refaeli in a bikini above. Isn't it obvious? This same picture was hanging in Leonardo DiCaprio's trailer on the set of Shutter Island. Every morning he would look at this photo and say, "Please God let me stay rich and famous so I can keep banging chicks like this." The movie sucked. Shame on you Mr. DiCaprio. You disappointed me but I understand. You have to do what you have to do.

Why I will never make it in Hollywood

So this morning I was dropping off Monkey at LAX so that he could fly the friendly skies via Pet Airways to Colorado when who do I meet but none other than the star of Bored to Death, Jason Schwartzman. He was dropping off dog for a trip to NYC. We stood there for a few seconds exchanging pleasantries about each others respective pets while all his movies ran through my mind. Do I say something? Do I tell him I like Bored to Death even though his character is a bit Jewy? Before I could get the words out, Monkey decided to drop a man sized log basically on Mr. Schwartzman’s foot. I guess he was nervous. Damn it. Why does my dog have to ruin everything? Bad enough he has cancer. I awkwardly picked up his poop with the standard “this never happens inside" line coming out of my mouth. When I pushed my script (McDonald's receipt with my phone number written on it) into his chest he did not seem receptive at all. I totally blame my dog's bowel movement on my failure to get him attached to my latest egg mcmuffin project.

Mo'Nique gets Oscar nod

I saw Mo'Nique got an Oscar nomination for Beerfest this morning. I can't think of a more deserving recipient. The raw emotion she showed when she pushed Landfill into that vat of beer was gut wrenching. I really felt her anguish over taking a life. If that wasn't enough her interaction with Barry Badrinath was nothing short of genius. I honestly felt they were in love or at the very least I wanted a slap and tickle. Congrats you chocolate goddess. I am pulling for you.

Most talented, least successful Jew in Hollywood

I am beginning to wonder why I am the only Jew in LA who isn't rich. When I made that pact with the devil I assumed at some point I would be rich and successful in Hollywood. I had dreams of people kissing my ass while all my movie ideas got the green light without me ever writing a script. Then again that devil was a she-male wearing red horns four days after Halloween in El Segundo. I let him touch it with the promise of success. So far nothing but a rash.

Nigger Jim, get your raft ready

I just found out my dog has cancer again. I am not pleased. Friday he leaves for Colorado State University to get the best treatment my credit card can buy. While there he will be spending some time at the Canine Health Resort. Everybody wish him luck. He better live forever.

Our president is black and our children stupid

America is really falling apart. Last night when I couldn't make it through anymore of the President's state of the union speech (as he was introduced), I started flipping through the channels. I didn't change the channel because of Barry being black (him not me), I just didn't want to listen to a guy who is planning on taxing me on money I haven't made and never will. Anyway I was flipping through the channels when I came across the movie Twilight. After watching ten minutes of it, I realize now America is in deep shit. I understand Hollywood will make anything as long as it makes money and I respect that, it is the same reason I will dig a ditch or let a middle aged white man slap my ass for fifty dollars. What I don't understand is how every 14 year old in America has a hard on for this movie. I have never seen a smellier pile of shit in my life. The acting is terrible and my morning constitutional has more of a story. And I only made it through ten minutes. The youth of America are completely retarded.

Vampires sparkle like diamonds in the sun.

The terrorists have already won.

I miss the '80s

Three amazing quotes from a '80's pile of shit. Guess the movie and win nothing.

You blow away a broad's date, the least you can do is drive her home.

Well, there's some good and there's some bad news. The good news is you're right - I'm a cop and I've gotta take you in. The bad news is I've been suspended and I don't give a fuck.

I hear West Hollywood's a faggot sewer.

People of the world unite

We have had some major tragedy in the world this week. There are close to 500,000 people dead or missing on a tiny island. From what I understand it is pure anarchy. I ask you in this difficult time to do what you can to help, whether it be donate money, services or just open your home to refugees, now is the time to be selfless. I swear I have never seen Puerto Rico in such despair. Earthquakes suck.

***Photo taken moments ago in downtown Port au Prince

So fucking laz....

I have been so lazy lately I haven't even posted about being too lazy to blog. Reminds me of a bit Louis C.K. did about a heckler. Something about when they were born someone walked by and say "Hey look at that cunt coming out of some cunt's cunt.

I like to say cunt.

Blog on.

Spoiler - The entire plot of Sherlock Holmes

I saw Sherlock Holmes and I plan to ruin it for everyone. Stop reading if you actually want to waste your money and see it.
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So Sherlock Holmes had a ton of hype and yes there is some great scenery, and some good fight scenes, oh and some dark arts trickery, but really the big thing in the movie, the big thing that sets up part two, is that the bad guys want a to steal a garage door opener. That's it. I just gave it all away. It is actually a pretty good thing to want. Who the hell wants to get out of their car and manually open their garage, then have to get back in the car to park? That sounds terrible. I feel the bad guy's pain. I really could relate to him.

I just saved you ten bucks. You can thank me after you watch it on cable.

Happy Fucking New Year!

I have made some resolutions for the new year. No particular order:

• Get rich or die trying
• Catch Bin Laden (see get rich)
• Grow two inches
• Punch Betty White in the face again
• Stop that porn tape of me and Betty White from being released.
• Get OJ out of jail
  
• Learn to weld
• Get a 2010 Calender
• Laugh at the homeless
• Write a trilogy
• Run a marathon naked
• Convert to Judaism
• See the movie Kick Ass

I am sure I am forgetting something but for now I think I have a good start.
****Betty White is a saint and I would never punch her.

Happy New Year from The Barry Rides!

Fuck you

Yeah, you. The person reading this. You wanna know why? Because you never leave any goddamn comments. Scroll down and look at the sidebar and you'll find a Sitemeter thing that displays our daily traffic. Yeah that's right, 4,900+.

So I fail to understand why, despite the fact that we gain new readers every single day (don't believe me? check the sitemeter tomorrow and there will be at least 7 or 8 more than we had today), almost all of you refuse to show your appreciation by commenting. The only people who leave comments are myself, Jake, Barry, and Barry's brother Louis. This is bullshit and must end. If you fags won't cooperate, I'll fucking MAKE you.

Arbeit Macht Frei

Has anyone seen those PETA videos of the industrial farm chickens that are bred to grow so much breast meat that they can no longer stand? They stumble around until they fall down in their own waste (I type this while eating a bucket of KFC). These chickens are preferable because consumers buy more breast meat.

A friend of mine was recently telling me about a performance review with her boss where she was given some feedback about how she could improve her assent up the corporate ladder. When she explained that she was perfectly happy where she was, her boss was astounded.

The Barry Rides takes over the Fast and Furious Franchise

I am happy to announce that The Barry Rides has gotten an imaginary contract to pen six new Fast and Furious movies. We will be starting with the forth in the franchise and working our way through number ten. Some of you may be aware of the fact that number four has already been released, but we are pretty confident that once you see our version you will be happy we redid it. I don't want to take anything away from the originals, so please see ours as a re-imagining and less of a redo. Interesting thing about our contract, all writing will be done by Jake and one of prerequisites to him putting pen to paper is that he takes an Ambien before he actually starts. I figure the first script will have a Buick Grand National, Vin Diesel, cinnamon toast, and maybe a chase scene through a Costco all within the first five minutes.

I am also happy to announce that you won't have to wait for the movie to be released in theaters to know what happens. Jake is planning to use the blog to write the script.

2010 is going to be awesome!

Ron Livingston is gay

At least according to one anonymous person who has Mr. Livingston's panties in a bunch.

It turns out that, despite Livingston's somewhat convincing denials that he is a homosexual, his Wikipedia page keeps insisting that he is one. Apparently someone keeps re-posting this information after each attempt by Livingston's agent to suppress it. This indisputable fact has led him to file a lawsuit against the alleged individual, and also marry a woman.

Barry Rides operatives have conducted an extensive investigation of Mr. Livingston, and have discovered that a Google search for "Ron Livingston is not a fag" returns a mere 3,080 results, while a search for "Ron Livingston is a fag" yields a commanding 789,000 results. On top of this, Yahoo Answers has gone on the record confirming these data.

Nevertheless, we at The Barry Rides feel that Ron Livingston is simply an innocent heterosexual who has been tricked into living a deviant lifestyle by the evil Boss Spider attached to his brain*.

*see pic

I porked Betty White

I was picking up a couple of tall boys the other day when this old bitch got in my face. Apparently I took the last Miller High Life six pack. We almost threw down, but then we both realized we could share the beer. I woke up six hours later in the Los Angeles zoo with a sore ass and an empty wallet. Damn you, Rose Nylund!!!

Hanukkah plus Yom Kippur = super holiday

So my brother wants to start a new religion and he has chosen me as one of the scribes. Not really, but I am going to pretend he wants me to write down his thoughts. This new religion will be just like Judaism, but there will be some subtle differences. For example, there will be no women allowed in this time. You really can't hate Jewish women if there are none (wow I really wrote that.) Another change that is really the reason for this post is how The menorah will now be eight Yahrzeit candles. Each day of Hanukkah, my brother, the supreme ruler of the the New Jewish Order will light a candle for someone he wishes was dead. Sure it sounds crazy now, but if I told you 75 years ago there would be people worshiping a guy who wrote bad science fiction books you would have thought I was out of my mind too. Let's talk in a few years.

This Just In...

It is being reported that a Richard Gere robot was recently admitted to the robot hospital in order to have a Zhu Zhu Pet removed from his rectum.

Rectum? Damn near killed him....

Freedom isn't free, but Lewis is willing to pay your share

When I am driving and I see a black man crossing the street do I pray that my doors are locked? Absolutely!
When I see a gay man shopping at Macy's, do I instinctively want to run out of the store because I assume he wants to rape me? Yep!
When I see a Puerto Rican man smiling, do I assume he just came from a wilding? Come on. You know the answer.

The point I am trying to make other than a gay black Puerto Rican scares me is that I might have these thoughts, but I rarely act on them. That is where my brother the American comes in. He is doing the job we are too scared to do. Recently he pulled into the parking garage of his over priced gym to find a Muslim man kneeling on a mat facing Mecca chanting something in tongues. He was given a hard choice as he got out of his Mercedes. Does he go workout and ignore the religious man or does he call security to report the terrorist who just planted a bomb and then work out. I think we all know that Lewis made the right choice.

I am not exactly sure what happened next as my brother was running an 8 minute mile but I would like to believe I am safe right now because of his diligence.

Amanda Knox: The Lifetime Biopic

True story: back in the late 1990's my family had an older guy working for us as a salesman. He was a real broken down sort of Willy Loman type that would always carry a handkerchief around that he would hock phlegm into. Well after some time, it became clear that things weren't working and we let him go. No big deal, not even worth mentioning except...

A couple weeks after he was fired, a package arrived at the office addressed to our company, care of our former employee. Since it was addressed to us, I opened the package only to find a home-made looking VHS cassette with a plain white label that read: "FJ 5". Included in the package was a letter addressed to our former employee, written on plain white paper, that apologized for a defective cassette and offered the enclosed cassette as a replacement. It went on to say that the letter could be used as a coupon for discounts on future "FJ" cassettes and thanked him for his patronage. Intrigued, I took the cassette upstairs and popped it into the VCR only to get my first glimpse of hardcore foot fetish porn.

Set aside from the fact that only a complete sociopath would have this sort of stuff sent to their place of employment, what astonished me about this whole thing, was the fact that this sort of stuff existed. Up until this point I'd seen plenty of pornography, but nothing like this. You have to remember, this was the 1990's, pre-internet porn, the craziest stuff in the mainstream was Hustler, and I don't think they were even showing penetration yet. Here I was watching a guy fuck a woman's feet, the only way someone could come across this sort of stuff was either in Amsterdam or hanging out in the back of that white van parked behind 7-11. It was shocking, sort of like the opening of Blue Velvet where a camera pans through a Norman Rockwell type scene, and ultimately settling on the ants and beetles fighting under the grass. Something creepy was going on under the surface.

But those were simpler times, before the wave of sex machines, thai lady-boys, felching, bukkake, and gapers engulfed the internet. Fast forward 10 years, and the days of soft-core porn now glow with a certain naive nostalgia once reserved for episodes of Happy Days or egg creams (search egg cream on a porn site and you'll find something completely different from what Fonzie used to order at Al's). Anyhow, I'm digressing....

Today, I read that Amanda Knox, the American college student, was sentenced to 26 years in an Italian prison for a murder/sex crime that she and her boyfriend did to her roommate. And I'm pleased to say that when I read about their freaky sex/snuff scene, I was a little shocked...



BTW: I hear they cast Wycleff Jean, Elisha Cuthbert, and Harry Potter to star in the biopic. I'm gonna watch it with a belt around my neck so I can choke myself while they get it on!!!

Huckleberry Fin

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee has found himself in some hot water this evening, as reports are coming in that he pardoned the gentleman that so rudely smoked four cops in a Washington coffee shop this morning (despite the fact that the gentleman in question was a five-time felon*).

*also despite the fact that he had a history of violent behavior and also for some reason despite protests by prosecutors

Protip: keep writing books, Mike.

The Barry Rides Holiday Gift Guide

Ok, we've talked about it before. The economy sucks and we need to buy a lot of crap in order to get it going again. So here is my first installment of the Barry Rides Holiday Gift Guide® (I'm gonna ramble a bit, but I'll get there).

This morning I was laying in my own filth eating a leftover-stuffing sandwich in my underwear when a commercial for Renuzit Crystal Elements air fresheners came on. Well, just like Oprah, I'm gonna have to put these on my list of favorite things.



Yup, the fine folks at Henkel International (that's the German Chemical Conglomerate that owns the Dial Corporation) have finally figured out a way to make air fresheners look more like candy!!! With Delicious flavors like Amber Vanilla, Garnet Spice, and Ruby Berries, these little chunks of poison will probably be gobbled up by unwitting children everywhere this holiday season. Don't get me wrong, I completely support this new product innovation. As I've said a number of times, in this economy we all need to do our part, and this product will create synergy between two of our biggest national issues right now: consumer spending and healthcare.

When little kids see the ambiguous advertisements for Renuzit Crystal Elements they're gonna think they're food and demand them as stocking-stuffers, thus driving consumer spending and helping the economy (I myself, having looked at nothing but food for the last 3 days was tricked into thinking they were some form of granola/candied fruit based on their packaging), and once they get their tiny little hands on them and suffer the subsequent household poisoning, their parents are gonna demand dialysis treatment for their children with renal failure, thus raising awareness of healthcare problems. You gotta love the way this product brings two such important issues together in such a neat little package, the Germans are such great innovators.

Ironically, it was the Germans who originally worried about this very problem back in the 1920's when they published The Poisonous Mushroom, a cautionary tale of how Jewish child molesters would give the Aryan children poisonous candy before banging them (see below).



So if you, or one of your friends, finds the kids passed out under the Christmas Tree this holiday season, and their breath stays fresh for 45 days, you can thank the wise folks at Henkel International - "a brand like a friend".

Random thoughts

Every morning I pass this Asian guy who lives in his 1987 Honda Prelude. His car is parked on the street facing the beach. Not a bad place to set up camp. He seems happy enough. I see him reading the paper and enjoying a cup of coffee from Starbucks but I assume at night he somehow manages to sleep in the front seat of the world's most uncomfortable car. This really worries me because I used to own a Prelude. Sure the car is gone but I have this fear that I might end up living in it anyway I mean I am not Asian so fitting in it to sleep is really going to suck plus the CD player never worked corectly. On a positive note there was an NWA tape stuck in the tape player when I sold it. I could deal with that.

Choke on it!

We are getting close to Thanksgiving. Know I am wishing you and your family the best during this holiday season.

ῳ

P.S. discretion is advised.

Shit my dad doesn't say

People have been talking about Shit My Dad Says for weeks. I have had no real interest in it because I know it is some douche who looks like me and sounds like me sitting in a cube making this shit up when he should be doing his real job. If that wasn't bad enough I just heard that ABC picked up Shit My Dad Says as a TV show. In reality my dad had some great shit to say that could clearly have been made into a TV show. For example he used to call my mom's Toyota Corolla "the lumumba wagon." I never knew why. Another interesting thing my father used to say was that black people were shamsters. To this day I have no idea what he meant or even if it's derogatory, but I can tell you this, I think I just came up with a new show for NBC. The Shamsters featuring the lumumba wagon, the talking corolla. I need an agent.

*I just looked up shamster and it turns out it is derogatory. All this time I thought he was just slurring hamster.
**Don't be mad at my father, he is dead.

My brother is a piece of shit

I know it might sound harsh but it is true. He finally pushed me over the edge. You see, my brother is capable of some horrible things. If you get to know him you realize he hates people, is stubborn, and quite possibly only cares about himself. Interestingly none of this has ever bothered me. I guess I just accepted him for the animal he was. I mean we are all animals in our own right. The other night he texts me that he is eating at his favorite pizza place (actually eating a pie in his car like a savage) and that with his margarita pizza pie he is enjoying a diet coke with lime. At first I thought he was joking. What type of man would drink a diet coke? Then I thought maybe the phone was stolen, but based on the conversation I knew that was only wishful thinking. He was actually sitting behind the wheel of his car sipping a diet coke through a tiny straw. I am imagining the Ahhhhhhhh sound came out of his mouth at one point or another before he finished it. He finally has gone off the deep end. I understand diet coke is an acquired taste for fat men and cat ladies alike, but I don't understand how a normal man can go 36 years drinking regular coke and suddenly make the switch to that aspartame shit. It is like he did it purposely to hurt me. There is no logic behind it. My brain is full of so much rage and disappointment. So with that said until my brother makes a formal apology for giving up the sweet nectar that is coke classic and renounces diet coke he is dead to me.
Not my brother

No new ideas - Enter the Ninjew

Last night an Asian and I were talking about typical nonsense. Why are we not rich? Why don't we have nice cars? Why are we Jews and Asians respectively? We ended up talking about selling real estate and then Enter the Dragon came on TV. Naturally, the conversation morphed into how I wanted a claw hand and Kareem Abdul Jabbar to be my sidekick as I sold real estate to Persians in Beverly Hills. Well my crafty Chinese friend told me I should write a movie called Enter the Ninjew about a Jewish Ninja who throws stars of David and has a yarmulke that also can be used as a flying disc of death. This is pure genius. Sadly when I did a Google search on Jewish ninjas there were over two million results. How is that even possible?

All Jews want to know kung fu hence yellow fever.

I got mugged

So last night I got mugged while sleeping. I was having this dream where this guy offers me a cup of coffee outside some mall when out of nowhere he tries to put me in a sleeper hold to steal my watch. Now either he was a really bad thief or I have a thick neck because I never fell asleep. All I did was scream over and over again don't take my watch. The point of the story is how lame is it that I got mugged in my dream. Your dreams are supposed to be a place where you bang super models and shoot lasers out of your eyes. Not a place where you beg muggers to not steal your watch. Tonight I am going to dream about karate lessons for the next time I get mugged. Oh, and hopefully dream of banging super models.

I have AIDs

I haven't been writing lately because I have been crazy distraught. You see, I was recently diagnosed with full blown AIDs. I'm not talking about that simple Magic Johnson crap either. I got sores that make me look like an extra from Pappillon. As you can imagine it has made my desire to write really fall off. Most of the time I can't even lift my hands to type so I figured the blog would just die a quick death like the one I am hoping to have. Nah I am just kidding! I haven't posted because I have been really lazy. Good news, my writing just got a full dose of AZT. I'm back and healthier than ever!!!!

I apologize to all of my readers with AIDs that I might have offended with this post.

Swine Flue Vaccine - I am legend 2

This is the first year I have ever gotten a flu shot. I was shopping in CVS when I saw a line forming toward the back of the store. I had no clue what it was for but I figured the best it could be was a line for blow jobs. The worst it could be was me giving them. Anyway I got a flu shot and have had no adverse reactions. Now I hear all this talk about how everyone needs a swine flu shot. I have read nothing on the subject but I did hear from a local homeless man that there hasn't been enough testing and there is a chance it could fuck my shit up. Based on that bit of information, I am saying there is a 50/50 chance that anyone who gets it will turn into a zombie. I don't like those odds. Have you seen I am Legend? I don't know any black doctors so I doubt we will ever find a cure.

The cameo in Zombieland is Bill Murray

Captain Lou Albano - RIP

Nothing funny about this.



Rest in peace you dear sweet man

No comment needed

I apologize for posting a video instead of writing a witty post about some nonsense, but I think that if you watch the tape you will agree I couldn't improve upon perfection.

FOUR DAYS TILL DYNAMITE!!!!

Do you hear me you honkey motherfucka? Friday Black Dynamite comes out. If you can't wait like I can't, you can kill some time at Black Dynamite Yo'self.

Right turn Barry - Final thoughts on Comic Con Long Beach

I stayed too long at this shitastic show for one reason and one reason only. That reason being to meet a man who not only worked with Clint Eastwood, but also with the greatest Chimpanzee to ever walk the south west. A man who can say he is fifty percent responsible for Juliette Lewis being alive. Juliette Lewis can thank witchcraft and Scientology for the other fifty percent. The man with all of these accomplishments is none other than Geoffrey Lewis. As I walked around Comic Con I noticed a table with some old photos from Any Which Way You Can and Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, but no one sitting there. I paced back and forth waiting to see if Orville was really going to show up, which kind of freaked out George Lazenby who had a table set up next to him. Ten minutes, fifteen minutes, twenty minutes. I waited and waited. Thirty minutes go by when finally Geoffrey Lewis comes walking in. Before he can even sit down I run up to him and shout like a crazy person, "I have been waiting for you!" I could tell by the look in his eyes I scared him. He apologized and told me he was at his daughter's soccer game. I jokingly asked, "Juliette's?" He said no (he has nine other kids) and asked me to pick a picture to autograph. He started to sign it before I could say sign it "Right turn, Barry." If I hadn't attacked him like a lion eating a gazelle I would have made him start over. I really need to work on my celebrity stalking.

Birthday

Thirty four years ago a young virgin Sybil was shopping in Medi-Mart when she got a cramp in her side. Not sure what to do she asked the pharmacist if there was anywhere she could sit and of course if she could use an expired coupon for Milk from another store for her purchases of toilet paper and cough syrup. Before the pharmacist could answer the floor was flooded with amniotic fluid and there was a sudden bulge in Sybil's polyester pants. She lost consciousness almost immediately. When she woke up in the auto parts aisle there was a baby in her arms. I was that baby!! There is still no explanation for how I came to be. All I ask is that you worship me on this day.

Crepes are shit

I am interrupting my Comic Con posting to discuss the shit hole Crepes to Go. Every day I torture myself and those who eat with me by deliberating on where to have dinner. If figuring the main course wasn't painful enough I seem to have a knack for not knowing where to have dessert either. God forbid it's the same place. Last night I was driving around LA trying to figure out where my sweet toof was going to be satisfied when my friend mentioned going to the Crepe Nazi. Before I go any further, let me preface this story by saying I hate crepes as much as Ricky Bobby. They make no sense. Sure give me one with some fruit in it and I can pretend it is a thin pancake, but try filling it with seafood and you have blown my mind. I don't go for the whole savory experience. I feel bad for the lobster jammed inside the crepe. It has to feel as out of place as I used to in gym class. So knowing I already have a chip on my shoulder about thin pancakes I should have said I will pass but instead I let curiosity get the better of me.
"Crepe Nazi?"
"Yeah, some hole in the wall crepe place on Sawtelle where the chef yells at you if you don't know your order in advance. There are no questions to be asked. You order, give money, and return when it is done."
"Fine, let's try it."

We pull up to the crepe place and the first thing I notice is the sign that states you should not enter without knowing your order. Only idiots and children can come in without being ready. Well I am a man child who is also an idiot so I really should have gotten a pass.

I walked in and ordered:
"I will have a pumpkin pie crepe and an apple crepe"
"We are out of pumpkin pie!!"
"Make it an apple and a peach"
"Okay return in twenty minutes. I do not want to see you until then"

I walk outside and wait patiently. Five minutes go by when the Crepe Nazi rang a bell. I look around and since there were no other customers I figure he finished early. I walked in to the crepe equivalent of Joseph Goebbels screaming:
"What did I tell you. TWENTY MINUTES!!!"

I scurried out in shame. I was so embarrassed that when the crepes were finally done I sent my friend to get them. Here is the worst part. For all the abuse I can't even report the crepes were good. They were ice cold and the fruit was out of a can. I don't even think it was canned fruit. I just think he had some dirty can full of cigarette butts and rancid peaches. I want this douche to go out of business. The store next door told me that the police have been called on several occasions by customers assaulted with a spatula. That reminds me of another story that I will tell in therapy.

There is one redeemable thing about this Nazi. This sign was hanging on his door:

WTF!!!

Let off some steam, Bennett.

Actual conversation I had with Vernon Wells of Commando and Mad Max fame:
Barry: It is an honor to meet you. I love your work. Commando was on yesterday.
Vernon: (Eyes roll) Yeah it is on every day. I wish it would go away.
Barry: Come on!
Vernon: I only make like 20 cents each time it is on.
Barry: That's too bad. Who is crazier, Mel Gibson or Arnold?
Vernon: Mel was cool. Arnold could get annoying.
Barry: Wow you were in Shrimp on the Barbi too!
Vernon: You know you look like Freddy Prinze Junior.
Barry: Okay I guess that is a compliment.

I promptly ran away after that.

Synchronictiy

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events that are causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner. To count as synchronicity, the events should be unlikely to occur together by chance.

So I am walking around Comic Con sweating my guts out because I had to park miles away and walk among nerds like I was one of them when out of nowhere I see Pat Harrington Jr. a.k.a. Dwayne F. Schneider a.k.a. the black plunger sitting at a booth signing photos of himself with a pack of cigarettes tucked under one sleeve for the sum of 20 bucks a pop. I did a double take and could have sworn he winked at me. What are the odds? I wasn't able to get my phone out quick enough to take his photo and there was no way he was getting 20 dollars from me so I am posting a picture of Anthony Michael Hall instead. I didn't get too close because his booth stunk like farts (seriously!), but he was probably signing photographs of himself with Chet.

More to come!

Comic Con in one picture

I am working on so many posts regarding the 53 minutes I spent at Comic Con Long Beach this past Saturday. I know you are dying with anticipation so while you wait for the real stuff I figured I would post a random picture of a nice family who clearly knew how to get their nerd on.

Comic Con Long Beach

I am thinking of going to Comic Con Long Beach tomorrow. I have no clue what I will find there. I am not even sure it is a real show. I am picturing a couple of homeless guys under the Gerald Desmond Bridge burning the Sunday comics. I figure it will take me at least two hours to figure out that homeless batman is not really Adam West. Or is he? Stay tuned for my show report tomorrow!