Fighting Crime

Now I normally don't care what people do with or to themselves. You want to pull an Amy Winehouse (become an uglier version of Sarah Silverman and do drugs), than go for it. I figure if it doesn't affect me right this second, then why should I care. Fine, I like to watch people go on downward spirals. Big deal. Speaking of which, today at 8:00 AM I pulled up to a traffic light on my way to the gym to work my glamor muscles when I notice the guy sitting in the car next to me is packing a bowl. We will now refer to him as Mr. Weedman in any future reference. At the same time this guy is getting ready to smoke up, I notice a police officer sitting on the other side of the traffic light looking for speeders. Mr. Weedman looks at me and quickly closes his hands praying I didn't see his precious weed. Oh, but I did, Mr. Weedman, I did. Now this is a long light so I had plenty of time to think of what to do next. The full gambit of emotions ran through my head; Why does he get to smoke weed and I don't? Why couldn't he just do it at home like everyone else? Is he really driving a Hyundai? Why does my leg itch? Did I pack underwear in my gym bag?

Before long the light changed and Mr. Weedman speeds off to what I assume is a high stakes job in the world of finance. I on the other hand drove across the street and pulled up next to the cop. Without getting into too many details, let's just say, I said "Go get em". The cop turned on his siren and took off. I have no idea what became of Mr. Weedman nor do I care. I was off to work my triceps and hopefully catch someone peeing in the shower.

I chose the Red Skull over Colleen

As some of you might know, I know Colleen of Col's Blog for thirty years. We were in elementary school and junior high together. I haven't seen her since I was 16 (junior prom), but I have stayed in touch with her by reading her Hitler-esq blog. I mean is there anything I can't learn about Colleeen that isn't summed up in her Monday Morning Dance Party? Anyway in the last twenty years we haven't had many times to hang out so one would think if the opportunity came up I would jump on that shit. Well last night Colleen was in LA and wanted to have dinner. I told her I had important plans that could not be broken. She understood and said maybe next time. I thought all was good but my fucking brother sold me out. Yes, it is true I was busy watching Captain America when I could have rekindled one of the world's great friendships. I mean it is only going to be in the theater for two to three months. I couldn't risk missing it for a reunion with a friend. I would think any good friend who traveled 3000 miles would understand. Colleen, I hope you are that good a friend.


Col's response

What are you doing today?

Other than celebrating Vin Diesel's birthday does anyone have any plans?

I cannot wait to get home, crack a beer and watch the Pacifier.


Life doesn't get any better than this.

Is this your homework Larry?

So a couple weeks ago I posted a letter that my ideal child would write to a butcher. Today, I found this homework assignment on the interwebs. Clearly written by the same brilliant child.

Jonah HIll - No longer funny

I am calling it right now. Jonah Hill is no longer funny. Did he not get the memo that as a comic you never lose weight and you never start lifting weights. I figure he is six months away from being in the direct to video Scavenger Hunt sequel. It's really sad.

Live forever? No thanks!

The other day Skip Dickford told me he read an article about aging and a few things really stood out to him. The article stated that in the next five years someone would be born who would live to 200 years old. I know you are astonished, but if that isn't shocking enough the article also said that in the next twenty years someone would be born that would make it to a 1000 years old. Holyshit, can you say Highlander? Then again I guess these people aren't immortal. I mean a gun could still kill these old bastards. Hell you can kill most grandmas by yelling at them, but this is definitely interesting. I pressed Skip for the facts or where he read it, but all he could say was he read it the same day he had Fruity Pebbles for breakfast. Yabba, Dabba, doo, I would like to make it to 200. Then again, I don't know if the people who have figured all this out have realized the major flaw in living a long time. As you age your nose and ears continue to grow. Being that I was born with a huge nose and dumbo ears, if I live anywhere past my 41st birthday, odds are I won't be able to lift my head off the table from the shear weight of my nose hair alone, not to mention the fact my ears will probably suffocate me in my sleep. Think about how freakish the world will be with all these huge nosed old people running around. It would be like living in Germany circa 1938. No thanks.
Old person

Watch Old Bandit Run...

In 1977, Universal Pictures released a film about the greatest American folk-hero to ever drive a Trans-Am: Smokey and the Bandit. In it, Burt Reynolds plays Bo "Bandit" Darville, the best truck driver of his time. The film follows the Bandit after he gets hired by a rich Texas oilman to escort a truck full of Coors beer from Texas to Georgia for a BBQ. Many of you will read that and think that it's a pretty thin plot, that the writers should have come up with something a little more compelling in order to draw the audiences in. The thing is, there were no writers, Smokey and the Bandit is a true story!
You see, prior to the 1980's, Coors was a regional beer, outside of Colorado and a handful of other western states, it was practically unheard of. Back then, the only way for a person on the east coast to sip a cool Coors 16oz'er was to either know Pete Coors himself, or know The Bandit...

Well I've never met Pete Coors, but can tell you one thing, there are few experiences in this life as sweet as watching the Bicentennial Fireworks over the Hudson River while downing a couple cans of Coors.



I'm a little late in saying this, but thank you Bandit.

Happy Birthday America!!!

Everyone should be a patriot and wear the colors!