Fuck you

Yeah, you. The person reading this. You wanna know why? Because you never leave any goddamn comments. Scroll down and look at the sidebar and you'll find a Sitemeter thing that displays our daily traffic. Yeah that's right, 4,900+.

So I fail to understand why, despite the fact that we gain new readers every single day (don't believe me? check the sitemeter tomorrow and there will be at least 7 or 8 more than we had today), almost all of you refuse to show your appreciation by commenting. The only people who leave comments are myself, Jake, Barry, and Barry's brother Louis. This is bullshit and must end. If you fags won't cooperate, I'll fucking MAKE you.

Arbeit Macht Frei

Has anyone seen those PETA videos of the industrial farm chickens that are bred to grow so much breast meat that they can no longer stand? They stumble around until they fall down in their own waste (I type this while eating a bucket of KFC). These chickens are preferable because consumers buy more breast meat.

A friend of mine was recently telling me about a performance review with her boss where she was given some feedback about how she could improve her assent up the corporate ladder. When she explained that she was perfectly happy where she was, her boss was astounded.

The Barry Rides takes over the Fast and Furious Franchise

I am happy to announce that The Barry Rides has gotten an imaginary contract to pen six new Fast and Furious movies. We will be starting with the forth in the franchise and working our way through number ten. Some of you may be aware of the fact that number four has already been released, but we are pretty confident that once you see our version you will be happy we redid it. I don't want to take anything away from the originals, so please see ours as a re-imagining and less of a redo. Interesting thing about our contract, all writing will be done by Jake and one of prerequisites to him putting pen to paper is that he takes an Ambien before he actually starts. I figure the first script will have a Buick Grand National, Vin Diesel, cinnamon toast, and maybe a chase scene through a Costco all within the first five minutes.

I am also happy to announce that you won't have to wait for the movie to be released in theaters to know what happens. Jake is planning to use the blog to write the script.

2010 is going to be awesome!

Ron Livingston is gay

At least according to one anonymous person who has Mr. Livingston's panties in a bunch.

It turns out that, despite Livingston's somewhat convincing denials that he is a homosexual, his Wikipedia page keeps insisting that he is one. Apparently someone keeps re-posting this information after each attempt by Livingston's agent to suppress it. This indisputable fact has led him to file a lawsuit against the alleged individual, and also marry a woman.

Barry Rides operatives have conducted an extensive investigation of Mr. Livingston, and have discovered that a Google search for "Ron Livingston is not a fag" returns a mere 3,080 results, while a search for "Ron Livingston is a fag" yields a commanding 789,000 results. On top of this, Yahoo Answers has gone on the record confirming these data.

Nevertheless, we at The Barry Rides feel that Ron Livingston is simply an innocent heterosexual who has been tricked into living a deviant lifestyle by the evil Boss Spider attached to his brain*.

*see pic

I porked Betty White

I was picking up a couple of tall boys the other day when this old bitch got in my face. Apparently I took the last Miller High Life six pack. We almost threw down, but then we both realized we could share the beer. I woke up six hours later in the Los Angeles zoo with a sore ass and an empty wallet. Damn you, Rose Nylund!!!

Hanukkah plus Yom Kippur = super holiday

So my brother wants to start a new religion and he has chosen me as one of the scribes. Not really, but I am going to pretend he wants me to write down his thoughts. This new religion will be just like Judaism, but there will be some subtle differences. For example, there will be no women allowed in this time. You really can't hate Jewish women if there are none (wow I really wrote that.) Another change that is really the reason for this post is how The menorah will now be eight Yahrzeit candles. Each day of Hanukkah, my brother, the supreme ruler of the the New Jewish Order will light a candle for someone he wishes was dead. Sure it sounds crazy now, but if I told you 75 years ago there would be people worshiping a guy who wrote bad science fiction books you would have thought I was out of my mind too. Let's talk in a few years.

This Just In...

It is being reported that a Richard Gere robot was recently admitted to the robot hospital in order to have a Zhu Zhu Pet removed from his rectum.

Rectum? Damn near killed him....

Freedom isn't free, but Lewis is willing to pay your share

When I am driving and I see a black man crossing the street do I pray that my doors are locked? Absolutely!
When I see a gay man shopping at Macy's, do I instinctively want to run out of the store because I assume he wants to rape me? Yep!
When I see a Puerto Rican man smiling, do I assume he just came from a wilding? Come on. You know the answer.

The point I am trying to make other than a gay black Puerto Rican scares me is that I might have these thoughts, but I rarely act on them. That is where my brother the American comes in. He is doing the job we are too scared to do. Recently he pulled into the parking garage of his over priced gym to find a Muslim man kneeling on a mat facing Mecca chanting something in tongues. He was given a hard choice as he got out of his Mercedes. Does he go workout and ignore the religious man or does he call security to report the terrorist who just planted a bomb and then work out. I think we all know that Lewis made the right choice.

I am not exactly sure what happened next as my brother was running an 8 minute mile but I would like to believe I am safe right now because of his diligence.

Amanda Knox: The Lifetime Biopic

True story: back in the late 1990's my family had an older guy working for us as a salesman. He was a real broken down sort of Willy Loman type that would always carry a handkerchief around that he would hock phlegm into. Well after some time, it became clear that things weren't working and we let him go. No big deal, not even worth mentioning except...

A couple weeks after he was fired, a package arrived at the office addressed to our company, care of our former employee. Since it was addressed to us, I opened the package only to find a home-made looking VHS cassette with a plain white label that read: "FJ 5". Included in the package was a letter addressed to our former employee, written on plain white paper, that apologized for a defective cassette and offered the enclosed cassette as a replacement. It went on to say that the letter could be used as a coupon for discounts on future "FJ" cassettes and thanked him for his patronage. Intrigued, I took the cassette upstairs and popped it into the VCR only to get my first glimpse of hardcore foot fetish porn.

Set aside from the fact that only a complete sociopath would have this sort of stuff sent to their place of employment, what astonished me about this whole thing, was the fact that this sort of stuff existed. Up until this point I'd seen plenty of pornography, but nothing like this. You have to remember, this was the 1990's, pre-internet porn, the craziest stuff in the mainstream was Hustler, and I don't think they were even showing penetration yet. Here I was watching a guy fuck a woman's feet, the only way someone could come across this sort of stuff was either in Amsterdam or hanging out in the back of that white van parked behind 7-11. It was shocking, sort of like the opening of Blue Velvet where a camera pans through a Norman Rockwell type scene, and ultimately settling on the ants and beetles fighting under the grass. Something creepy was going on under the surface.

But those were simpler times, before the wave of sex machines, thai lady-boys, felching, bukkake, and gapers engulfed the internet. Fast forward 10 years, and the days of soft-core porn now glow with a certain naive nostalgia once reserved for episodes of Happy Days or egg creams (search egg cream on a porn site and you'll find something completely different from what Fonzie used to order at Al's). Anyhow, I'm digressing....

Today, I read that Amanda Knox, the American college student, was sentenced to 26 years in an Italian prison for a murder/sex crime that she and her boyfriend did to her roommate. And I'm pleased to say that when I read about their freaky sex/snuff scene, I was a little shocked...



BTW: I hear they cast Wycleff Jean, Elisha Cuthbert, and Harry Potter to star in the biopic. I'm gonna watch it with a belt around my neck so I can choke myself while they get it on!!!

Huckleberry Fin

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee has found himself in some hot water this evening, as reports are coming in that he pardoned the gentleman that so rudely smoked four cops in a Washington coffee shop this morning (despite the fact that the gentleman in question was a five-time felon*).

*also despite the fact that he had a history of violent behavior and also for some reason despite protests by prosecutors

Protip: keep writing books, Mike.

The Barry Rides Holiday Gift Guide

Ok, we've talked about it before. The economy sucks and we need to buy a lot of crap in order to get it going again. So here is my first installment of the Barry Rides Holiday Gift Guide® (I'm gonna ramble a bit, but I'll get there).

This morning I was laying in my own filth eating a leftover-stuffing sandwich in my underwear when a commercial for Renuzit Crystal Elements air fresheners came on. Well, just like Oprah, I'm gonna have to put these on my list of favorite things.



Yup, the fine folks at Henkel International (that's the German Chemical Conglomerate that owns the Dial Corporation) have finally figured out a way to make air fresheners look more like candy!!! With Delicious flavors like Amber Vanilla, Garnet Spice, and Ruby Berries, these little chunks of poison will probably be gobbled up by unwitting children everywhere this holiday season. Don't get me wrong, I completely support this new product innovation. As I've said a number of times, in this economy we all need to do our part, and this product will create synergy between two of our biggest national issues right now: consumer spending and healthcare.

When little kids see the ambiguous advertisements for Renuzit Crystal Elements they're gonna think they're food and demand them as stocking-stuffers, thus driving consumer spending and helping the economy (I myself, having looked at nothing but food for the last 3 days was tricked into thinking they were some form of granola/candied fruit based on their packaging), and once they get their tiny little hands on them and suffer the subsequent household poisoning, their parents are gonna demand dialysis treatment for their children with renal failure, thus raising awareness of healthcare problems. You gotta love the way this product brings two such important issues together in such a neat little package, the Germans are such great innovators.

Ironically, it was the Germans who originally worried about this very problem back in the 1920's when they published The Poisonous Mushroom, a cautionary tale of how Jewish child molesters would give the Aryan children poisonous candy before banging them (see below).



So if you, or one of your friends, finds the kids passed out under the Christmas Tree this holiday season, and their breath stays fresh for 45 days, you can thank the wise folks at Henkel International - "a brand like a friend".

Random thoughts

Every morning I pass this Asian guy who lives in his 1987 Honda Prelude. His car is parked on the street facing the beach. Not a bad place to set up camp. He seems happy enough. I see him reading the paper and enjoying a cup of coffee from Starbucks but I assume at night he somehow manages to sleep in the front seat of the world's most uncomfortable car. This really worries me because I used to own a Prelude. Sure the car is gone but I have this fear that I might end up living in it anyway I mean I am not Asian so fitting in it to sleep is really going to suck plus the CD player never worked corectly. On a positive note there was an NWA tape stuck in the tape player when I sold it. I could deal with that.

Choke on it!

We are getting close to Thanksgiving. Know I am wishing you and your family the best during this holiday season.

ῳ

P.S. discretion is advised.

Shit my dad doesn't say

People have been talking about Shit My Dad Says for weeks. I have had no real interest in it because I know it is some douche who looks like me and sounds like me sitting in a cube making this shit up when he should be doing his real job. If that wasn't bad enough I just heard that ABC picked up Shit My Dad Says as a TV show. In reality my dad had some great shit to say that could clearly have been made into a TV show. For example he used to call my mom's Toyota Corolla "the lumumba wagon." I never knew why. Another interesting thing my father used to say was that black people were shamsters. To this day I have no idea what he meant or even if it's derogatory, but I can tell you this, I think I just came up with a new show for NBC. The Shamsters featuring the lumumba wagon, the talking corolla. I need an agent.

*I just looked up shamster and it turns out it is derogatory. All this time I thought he was just slurring hamster.
**Don't be mad at my father, he is dead.

My brother is a piece of shit

I know it might sound harsh but it is true. He finally pushed me over the edge. You see, my brother is capable of some horrible things. If you get to know him you realize he hates people, is stubborn, and quite possibly only cares about himself. Interestingly none of this has ever bothered me. I guess I just accepted him for the animal he was. I mean we are all animals in our own right. The other night he texts me that he is eating at his favorite pizza place (actually eating a pie in his car like a savage) and that with his margarita pizza pie he is enjoying a diet coke with lime. At first I thought he was joking. What type of man would drink a diet coke? Then I thought maybe the phone was stolen, but based on the conversation I knew that was only wishful thinking. He was actually sitting behind the wheel of his car sipping a diet coke through a tiny straw. I am imagining the Ahhhhhhhh sound came out of his mouth at one point or another before he finished it. He finally has gone off the deep end. I understand diet coke is an acquired taste for fat men and cat ladies alike, but I don't understand how a normal man can go 36 years drinking regular coke and suddenly make the switch to that aspartame shit. It is like he did it purposely to hurt me. There is no logic behind it. My brain is full of so much rage and disappointment. So with that said until my brother makes a formal apology for giving up the sweet nectar that is coke classic and renounces diet coke he is dead to me.
Not my brother

No new ideas - Enter the Ninjew

Last night an Asian and I were talking about typical nonsense. Why are we not rich? Why don't we have nice cars? Why are we Jews and Asians respectively? We ended up talking about selling real estate and then Enter the Dragon came on TV. Naturally, the conversation morphed into how I wanted a claw hand and Kareem Abdul Jabbar to be my sidekick as I sold real estate to Persians in Beverly Hills. Well my crafty Chinese friend told me I should write a movie called Enter the Ninjew about a Jewish Ninja who throws stars of David and has a yarmulke that also can be used as a flying disc of death. This is pure genius. Sadly when I did a Google search on Jewish ninjas there were over two million results. How is that even possible?

All Jews want to know kung fu hence yellow fever.

I got mugged

So last night I got mugged while sleeping. I was having this dream where this guy offers me a cup of coffee outside some mall when out of nowhere he tries to put me in a sleeper hold to steal my watch. Now either he was a really bad thief or I have a thick neck because I never fell asleep. All I did was scream over and over again don't take my watch. The point of the story is how lame is it that I got mugged in my dream. Your dreams are supposed to be a place where you bang super models and shoot lasers out of your eyes. Not a place where you beg muggers to not steal your watch. Tonight I am going to dream about karate lessons for the next time I get mugged. Oh, and hopefully dream of banging super models.

I have AIDs

I haven't been writing lately because I have been crazy distraught. You see, I was recently diagnosed with full blown AIDs. I'm not talking about that simple Magic Johnson crap either. I got sores that make me look like an extra from Pappillon. As you can imagine it has made my desire to write really fall off. Most of the time I can't even lift my hands to type so I figured the blog would just die a quick death like the one I am hoping to have. Nah I am just kidding! I haven't posted because I have been really lazy. Good news, my writing just got a full dose of AZT. I'm back and healthier than ever!!!!

I apologize to all of my readers with AIDs that I might have offended with this post.

Swine Flue Vaccine - I am legend 2

This is the first year I have ever gotten a flu shot. I was shopping in CVS when I saw a line forming toward the back of the store. I had no clue what it was for but I figured the best it could be was a line for blow jobs. The worst it could be was me giving them. Anyway I got a flu shot and have had no adverse reactions. Now I hear all this talk about how everyone needs a swine flu shot. I have read nothing on the subject but I did hear from a local homeless man that there hasn't been enough testing and there is a chance it could fuck my shit up. Based on that bit of information, I am saying there is a 50/50 chance that anyone who gets it will turn into a zombie. I don't like those odds. Have you seen I am Legend? I don't know any black doctors so I doubt we will ever find a cure.

The cameo in Zombieland is Bill Murray

Captain Lou Albano - RIP

Nothing funny about this.



Rest in peace you dear sweet man

No comment needed

I apologize for posting a video instead of writing a witty post about some nonsense, but I think that if you watch the tape you will agree I couldn't improve upon perfection.

FOUR DAYS TILL DYNAMITE!!!!

Do you hear me you honkey motherfucka? Friday Black Dynamite comes out. If you can't wait like I can't, you can kill some time at Black Dynamite Yo'self.

Right turn Barry - Final thoughts on Comic Con Long Beach

I stayed too long at this shitastic show for one reason and one reason only. That reason being to meet a man who not only worked with Clint Eastwood, but also with the greatest Chimpanzee to ever walk the south west. A man who can say he is fifty percent responsible for Juliette Lewis being alive. Juliette Lewis can thank witchcraft and Scientology for the other fifty percent. The man with all of these accomplishments is none other than Geoffrey Lewis. As I walked around Comic Con I noticed a table with some old photos from Any Which Way You Can and Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, but no one sitting there. I paced back and forth waiting to see if Orville was really going to show up, which kind of freaked out George Lazenby who had a table set up next to him. Ten minutes, fifteen minutes, twenty minutes. I waited and waited. Thirty minutes go by when finally Geoffrey Lewis comes walking in. Before he can even sit down I run up to him and shout like a crazy person, "I have been waiting for you!" I could tell by the look in his eyes I scared him. He apologized and told me he was at his daughter's soccer game. I jokingly asked, "Juliette's?" He said no (he has nine other kids) and asked me to pick a picture to autograph. He started to sign it before I could say sign it "Right turn, Barry." If I hadn't attacked him like a lion eating a gazelle I would have made him start over. I really need to work on my celebrity stalking.

Birthday

Thirty four years ago a young virgin Sybil was shopping in Medi-Mart when she got a cramp in her side. Not sure what to do she asked the pharmacist if there was anywhere she could sit and of course if she could use an expired coupon for Milk from another store for her purchases of toilet paper and cough syrup. Before the pharmacist could answer the floor was flooded with amniotic fluid and there was a sudden bulge in Sybil's polyester pants. She lost consciousness almost immediately. When she woke up in the auto parts aisle there was a baby in her arms. I was that baby!! There is still no explanation for how I came to be. All I ask is that you worship me on this day.

Crepes are shit

I am interrupting my Comic Con posting to discuss the shit hole Crepes to Go. Every day I torture myself and those who eat with me by deliberating on where to have dinner. If figuring the main course wasn't painful enough I seem to have a knack for not knowing where to have dessert either. God forbid it's the same place. Last night I was driving around LA trying to figure out where my sweet toof was going to be satisfied when my friend mentioned going to the Crepe Nazi. Before I go any further, let me preface this story by saying I hate crepes as much as Ricky Bobby. They make no sense. Sure give me one with some fruit in it and I can pretend it is a thin pancake, but try filling it with seafood and you have blown my mind. I don't go for the whole savory experience. I feel bad for the lobster jammed inside the crepe. It has to feel as out of place as I used to in gym class. So knowing I already have a chip on my shoulder about thin pancakes I should have said I will pass but instead I let curiosity get the better of me.
"Crepe Nazi?"
"Yeah, some hole in the wall crepe place on Sawtelle where the chef yells at you if you don't know your order in advance. There are no questions to be asked. You order, give money, and return when it is done."
"Fine, let's try it."

We pull up to the crepe place and the first thing I notice is the sign that states you should not enter without knowing your order. Only idiots and children can come in without being ready. Well I am a man child who is also an idiot so I really should have gotten a pass.

I walked in and ordered:
"I will have a pumpkin pie crepe and an apple crepe"
"We are out of pumpkin pie!!"
"Make it an apple and a peach"
"Okay return in twenty minutes. I do not want to see you until then"

I walk outside and wait patiently. Five minutes go by when the Crepe Nazi rang a bell. I look around and since there were no other customers I figure he finished early. I walked in to the crepe equivalent of Joseph Goebbels screaming:
"What did I tell you. TWENTY MINUTES!!!"

I scurried out in shame. I was so embarrassed that when the crepes were finally done I sent my friend to get them. Here is the worst part. For all the abuse I can't even report the crepes were good. They were ice cold and the fruit was out of a can. I don't even think it was canned fruit. I just think he had some dirty can full of cigarette butts and rancid peaches. I want this douche to go out of business. The store next door told me that the police have been called on several occasions by customers assaulted with a spatula. That reminds me of another story that I will tell in therapy.

There is one redeemable thing about this Nazi. This sign was hanging on his door:

WTF!!!

Let off some steam, Bennett.

Actual conversation I had with Vernon Wells of Commando and Mad Max fame:
Barry: It is an honor to meet you. I love your work. Commando was on yesterday.
Vernon: (Eyes roll) Yeah it is on every day. I wish it would go away.
Barry: Come on!
Vernon: I only make like 20 cents each time it is on.
Barry: That's too bad. Who is crazier, Mel Gibson or Arnold?
Vernon: Mel was cool. Arnold could get annoying.
Barry: Wow you were in Shrimp on the Barbi too!
Vernon: You know you look like Freddy Prinze Junior.
Barry: Okay I guess that is a compliment.

I promptly ran away after that.

Synchronictiy

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events that are causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner. To count as synchronicity, the events should be unlikely to occur together by chance.

So I am walking around Comic Con sweating my guts out because I had to park miles away and walk among nerds like I was one of them when out of nowhere I see Pat Harrington Jr. a.k.a. Dwayne F. Schneider a.k.a. the black plunger sitting at a booth signing photos of himself with a pack of cigarettes tucked under one sleeve for the sum of 20 bucks a pop. I did a double take and could have sworn he winked at me. What are the odds? I wasn't able to get my phone out quick enough to take his photo and there was no way he was getting 20 dollars from me so I am posting a picture of Anthony Michael Hall instead. I didn't get too close because his booth stunk like farts (seriously!), but he was probably signing photographs of himself with Chet.

More to come!

Comic Con in one picture

I am working on so many posts regarding the 53 minutes I spent at Comic Con Long Beach this past Saturday. I know you are dying with anticipation so while you wait for the real stuff I figured I would post a random picture of a nice family who clearly knew how to get their nerd on.

Comic Con Long Beach

I am thinking of going to Comic Con Long Beach tomorrow. I have no clue what I will find there. I am not even sure it is a real show. I am picturing a couple of homeless guys under the Gerald Desmond Bridge burning the Sunday comics. I figure it will take me at least two hours to figure out that homeless batman is not really Adam West. Or is he? Stay tuned for my show report tomorrow!

Mackenzie Phillips Sex Tape

Okay I have no idea if there is a sex tape, I was just bored and had nothing else to write about. Try to get that image out of your mind. Now that I think about it, I am willing to bet there is a One Day at Time porno spoof. I can picture it now, Schneider comes over to fix the drains with only one tool in his belt. That tool being a big black plunger. Wow my mind is broken.

My first death threat: thanks Noordin Mohammed

I just received my first death threat via email and I am honored. I have never felt more important in my life. I don't know what to do. Do I respond? Do I send the money? I can't believe their is a Jihad on my blog.

Awesome!

Here it is:

Look here you bastard. You think i have time for this your stupid talk, i just inform you that some one paid me to kill you and you are here talking no sence to me. this is like the same warning pass on to the america government when they ignore it and it became and ignorance to them, and this is the same warning also pass to the most polular MUSICIAN WHO WAS SHORT DEAD IN SOUTH AFRICA. am also passing this warning to you so if you want to ignore it then you too will face in hell and join the devil.

If you do not comply and cooperate with me in your reply to this email, you will leave me no option as to instruct my Boys to get you shot, for your informations you are to Pay the sum of $3,500 Usd to live your life as a free Citizen, but if you ignore.... As a matter of fact the person whom insructed me to get you killed is waiting for your Funeral news.

http://www.fbi.gov/terrorinfo/top.htm
http://www.historycommons.org/entity.jsp?entity=noordin_mohammed_top_1


Noordin Mohammed.
hm0384@hotmail.com

Bullshit : The Mackenzie Phillips story

I have it on good authority that Mackenzie Phillips is full of shit. Now hear me out before you think I am an animal for discounting her tale of woe. I am looking at this from a purely logical stand point. As any good lawyer with no license would do, I have broken this case down to three arguments as to why it is bullshit:

Reason 1: If you are John Philips, who from what I have been told by the interweb was at one point a famous rock musician at a time when condom was a bad word and sex with groupies bareback was the right thing to do, would incest ever cross your mind? I don't think so. In fact I know so. It doesn't make sense.

Reason 2: Let's take John Philips out of the equation for a second. Why would any man in his right mind want to have sex with Mackenzie Phillips anyway? Maybe I would have done it in 1979 because she was on TV and I was four years old, but that would have been purely for the story. She kind of reminds me of the crack whore in Boys N the Hood only she aint acting.

Reason 3: Assuming John Philips is so deranged that he doesn't want to have sex with tons of random chicks and really wants to bang his daughter, would Mackenzie be the first choice? Hell no! I am thinking I would have started with Chynna and ended with Bijou before the cuffs were on. The defense rests.

Case dismissed!!!!!!

DON'T STEAL THIS iDEA (that's a play on the whole Apple lower-case i thing)

In this post-Katrina economy we need to innovate with green solutions in order to create synergy. Where we used to enhance value with actual artifacts, these days it's all about the open platform. With that, I present what promises to be the most successful iPhone app to date, a GPS enabled dead Yale grad student locator.

Here's a screenshot:



I figure that between the marketing pitch that I started this post off with, and the millions of pre-orders I'm bound to get from the exposure that The Barry Rides offers, I should have no problem raising enough venture capital to buy a copy of iPhone Application Development for Dummies and getting this gravy train rolling.

Wolf hair and bits of credit card

Don't forget to watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia tonight. If it gets canceled and I find out it is your fault, you are all dead. You hear me? All dead!!!!

Heil Hitler

Rarely does a movie come around that can bring me to tears (Black Dynamite), but last night I simultaneously cried, shot milk out my nose, and shit my pants while watching Inglourious Basterds. Quite the feet since I haven't had a glass of milk in years. The shitting the pants part while crying, ehhh. Anyway, I can't recommend this movie enough. I went into it thinking it would be about some American Jewish soldiers kicking Nazi ass in France during WW2. What I did not expect was that Quentin Tarantino would rewrite history. His ending to WW2 is sooo much better than the real ending. So much better that if I ran a school I would burn all the history books I could find along with a few copies of the Koran, and make the students watch Inglourios Basterds over and over again. When they finally understood WW2, they could move on to watching Mash.

Now get out there and kill some Germans. I mean go see the movie.

Seating Chart

My brother sent this to me with the title "your seating chart at work." It's funny because it's true.

Kayne West - the white man conspiracy

I can picture George Jefferson saying it now, "That boy is an oreo!" People think Kayne hates white people. I know the truth. He deep down loves white people or he is a robot programmed to do their bidding. I can't say too much because of legal reasons, but if you look at who benefited from his antics you will soon realize I am on to something bigger than you and me.
Jay Leno - Kayne was the first guest on Jay's new show. Oh and Jay Leno happens to be white.
Taylor Swift - Sure her thunder was stolen for a night but now everyone is talking about her. Oh, and she happens to be white
Patrick Swayze - Dead and white - oops wrong post

All I ask is that you think about it.

*Picture of Kayne without makeup

BREAKING: Star of 'Dirty Dancing' dead at 57

The Barry Rides has learned exclusively from Facebook that Patrick Swayze's bulge has passed away due to pancreatic cancer. God rest it's soul.

We will never forget

Sorry this post is a day late but I just realized that yesterday was the anniversary of the attacks of 9/11. Normally we at The Barry Rides avoid serious topics when posting, with the exception of the occasional recipe (those really are good btw). However, on this solemn day (yesterday), we would like to have a moment of silence for our fallen heroes, and remember their courage in the face of extreme danger.

Game Over

Is it wrong I spend 23 hours of the day wishing I had the ability to take people down with one of those power punch moves from the Street Fighter game? If memory serves me correctly it is called the Shinkū Hadōken or in layman's terms, the Vacuum Surge Fist. At least I don't dream of doing a Chun li Hyakuretsu kyaku (百裂脚, Hundred Rending Kicks). That would be silly.

I love Wikipedia.

I am back motherfuckers!

My hard drive shit the bed causing my computer to be deader than Isaac Hayes. I have been forced to do nothing but watch TV when I should be writing. Speaking of The Duke of New York, has anyone seen Truck Turner? It is by far the best movie of 1974. When you are done watching it, you will be prepared for the best movie of 2010.

Black Dynamite Redband Trailer
Uploaded by viciouspanda. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

Helter Skelter

Over the weekend I exhausted my local library of all the information they had on Charles Manson. Library = magazine shop. Information = article in LA Magazine. Did you know Charles Manson was only 5'2? I don't know about you but when I think about being brainwashed into killing people I always assume the guy will be a huge, larger than life man not a midget. I have lost all respect Squeaky Fromme. In the police reports I combed through I saw that when they finally caught Charlie, he was hiding in a tiny cabinet under a bathroom sink. When they make the movie of my life, Gary Coleman will play Charles Manson in the scene that depicts me day dreaming about Charles Manson. Think On the Right Track but with more stabbing.

New Tattoo

This will be my first prison tatt:

Can't afford to write

Are you aware of the fact that Final Draft is $250? How am I supposed to write my love story between Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Iron Sheik when I can't afford the software? It was to be set in New London CT at time such love was forbidden by the likes of Randy Savage and Rowdy Roddy Piper. Now without 250 bucks my plans are ruined. I will just have to act the entire script out with sock puppets and hope that someone takes notes.

Quick Question

Gun to your head. You have to have sex with either Barbra Streisand or Dustin Hoffman dressed as Tootsie otherwise a bunch of puppies will die. Who do you choose?

I am saying Dustin Hoffman. I figure it will do less long term damage to my psyche. Why was Babs holding those puppies hostage anyway?

Plug me back in

When I graduated college I should have taken the blue pill.

Cypher: You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize?
[Takes a bite of steak]
Cypher: Ignorance is bliss.

I need a new job.

Sick of foreigners

I am so sick of people coming up to me and telling me about how important they were in their country. "I was a doctor in my country, but could only get a job as a janitor here." Boo Hoo Hoo! The other day I was in a cab when the driver told me back in Transylvania he was a vampire. Not sure where I am going with this. It would have made a great Saturday Night Live skit. I can see Adam Samberg playing the vampire cab driver. Man I got all these ideas and nowhere to put them.

Sunshine on my nutsack makes me happy*

Every so often, Mankind takes a technological leap that is so profound, so innovative, that nothing is ever again quite the same. The firearm, for example. Or the Segway Personal Transporter, which if you'll remember was the reason the auto industry collapsed. Well, it has happened again. Someone has created an invention that is so revolutionary, it will forever change the way we run outdoors:



*title has nothing to do with post

Colt 45, it works every time.

Do you remember that scene in Star Wars when Han Solo leaves the cantina at Mos Eisley and runs into Jabba the Hutt? You know, the one where he gives him some smooth talk and accidentally steps on his tail? Yeah, neither do I....

As we get older, it's common for a lot of us to wish we could magically go back in time and undo some of our misdoings. Many of us would like to play monday morning quarterback and correct our our blunders or failures. It's human nature.

The problem is, often times our imperfections and mistakes are what make us what we are. Sure we like to revel in our triumphs, but the truth is, our failures often expose our humanity. Seriously, who sits around with their friends and talks about their victories? Only assholes.

A couple years ago, George Lucas decided to turn back the clock, and fuck with what is arguably his greatest contribution to American cinema; the Star Wars Trilogy (I say trilogy because I don't recognize the subsequent abominations he tried to pass off as being part of the same series). He took what was admittedly, a flawed story of good versus evil, and tried to polish it with lasers and computers. In the end, he only tarnished it and detracted from the simple beauty of a tale that revolved around spaceships, laser-swords, space-apes, and robots.

The sad moral of this is clear, you should not try to mess with the past. Like poking a stick into a still pond, you only stir up mud and obscure the natural beauty that once was.

Oh yeah, and this goes out to George Lucas, if you are going to go back in time and mess with the past, at least make sure that Billy Dee Williams has a bottle of Colt 45 in his hand at all times and in every scene. I mean, seriously, why waste all that technology?

** I wasn't really trying to be serious, I just needed a set up for the pic.

The Japanese are far superior

For years I have been ordering a Quarter Pounder with NO cheese at McDonalds. I do it because even though I love cheese burgers, for whatever reason it just doesn't work on this cut of meat. I love how I refer to a McDonalds' hamburger as a cut of meat. I also know for a fact that McDonalds doesn't have quarter pounders without cheese waiting under lights. They make each and every one fresh to order. I don't eat there that often, maybe three or four times a week, but when I do, it is always the first thing I order. Today while surfing the interweb I found what may be the first of many reasons for me to move to Japan. Mcdonalds has opened restaurants in Shibuya and Omotesando that only serve quarter pounders. I have never been sadder to say I am an American. Why is this so far away????????????????????

Yo Joe

I can't believe I am posting another video today. Sure sign of a lazy writer. I couldn't help it though. I have no plans to see the G.I. Joe movie since it has to be pure garabage. My childhood has been raped enough don't you think? In an ideal world they would have made the movie with this cast and wardrobe. An ideal world indeed.

The Ballad of G.I. Joe from Olivia Wilde

Today was a good day

I really don't care about skate boarding but I did find this commercial entertaining. I just love Ice Cube. I have seen Are We There Yet? at least 50 times.

Game on

Today on my ride to work I had the best idea ever for a movie. I am planning on buying the screen writing software this weekend. In about three months I will realize I didn't open the box and have no clue what I was planning to write anyway. Actually you never know. I am really, really serious this time. I mean it.

That pep talk made me hard. Also, I have totally convinced myself that a friend of a friend who is currently pitching tv shows is my "in" to Hollywood. I can not wait to start pitching my ideas to interns who have no power.

Time to take this show on the road.

Naked Sit Ups part 2

So this morning I walked into the locker room and once again I was blinded by thrashing cock and balls. That same member had his member out as he did sit ups by his locker. Out of shear boredom I decided to complain to management.

My email to management:

Hi Miles

How are you? Remember a few months ago how I complained about a member working out in just a bathing suit? As if to mock me I saw him a few weeks after that doing sit ups in a suit and tie. It was as if he was saying "I was too under dressed before so now I will show you what being over dressed is." That provided me with a mild laugh but now I really want him thrown out of the club. Twice this week I have walked into the locker room to find him doing sit ups naked in front of his locker. He did have a towel down but come on.

Barry

Now the greatest response ever:

Hi Barry,

I'm speechless! This is right up there with the red haired guy (yet to be positively identified) who insists on drying his testicles in a very visual way with the hairdryers in the Men's vanity area...

I will follow-up with my staff downstairs to make sure everyone going into the gym is suitably attired or removed.

With regards to the incident in the Locker Room, I will make every effort to convey to the member in question that his behavior is causing offense.

Please accept my apologies for the startling visuals you were made to suffer.

Regards,

Miles

I think I love Miles

It was my friend's sister

I want to share with you a cautionary tale from my childhood. Well I didn't really want to share it, but my lunch reminded me of it so here goes. When I was about nine years old, my friend's sister, who may have been fourteen, was home alone on a hot summer day when her hormones went into overdrive. Not knowing what to do, she wandered her house until she found herself in the kitchen. It is there she found a package of frozen hot dogs sitting next to the frusen gladje in the freezer. This is the crazy part, she actually had sex with one of the frozen hot dogs. Well I should say she had sex with it until it thawed, at which time half of it broke off inside her. I know this is graphic, but you really need to hear this. Not knowing what to do, she waited until my friend got home and begged him to pull it out with tweezers. It took a few tries but he was finally able to get all of it out. She was really lucky if you think about it. Back then hot dogs weren't organic. Now remember, hot dogs are for eating, not for fucking. The more you know. . .