Shana Tova and some Hitler trivia

I just wanted to wish all my Jewish peeps a happy new year!! On that note, what could be a better time to bring up HItler.

Here is some more dialogue for the movie I will never write. This is an actual conversation that was had by a couple of my friends and some random girl over the weekend. Names have been changed to protect the idiotic.

Random Girl: I have a friend who's grandfather was the lawyer who tried Hitler.
Ekaj: Uh, Hitler never went on trial. He and Eva Braun killed themselves before being captured.
Random Girl: Really?
Ekaj: Yeah
Ttam: Ekaj, you really made that girl feel like a fool. I think you tripped her up when you mentioned Hitler's last name.
Ekaj: Uhhh, Hitler is his last name you idiot. Adolf Hitler!!!

When I don't write the script I will make sure to put in descriptions so the actors can get the facial expressions correct.

Rye bread French Toast

Yesterday a friend told me that when he goes out to breakfast he orders rye bread french toast. Something about the bread being less likely to become soggy. Personally I think it is crazy talk, but until I try it I will hold off on making any comments I can't take back.

Thoughts?

So White!!!!

So my friend Jhen came for a visit this past weekend as you might have gathered from my Super Bush post. Being that she is ethnic, I try to act all down. Yeah, I listen to rap. One of the nights Jhen was in town she suggested we go to her friend Sean's art show. Who am I to say no to culture. All I knew about the place we were going was the address, 5111 West Pico. I assumed it would be a quaint little art gallery with some nerds looking at comic prints. At least that is what I hoped it would be. What I didn't expect was the art gallery was really a graffiti shop that happened to have some wall space for a couple of paintings. I have never felt whiter than I did in the spray paint half of the store. I walked in with my little fury dog and my pale white girlfriend and the music stopped. People obviously thought I was lost.
"Can I help you man?"
"Ugh. . . do you have any good paint for rust?"
"No. You need to get your ass out of here and try Home Depot."
"Sorry to disturb you. It won't happen again."
"Damn straight it won't happen again."

Okay none of that was said, but there might have been some awkward stares. Who knew there was a store where you could buy nothing but supplies for vandalism, I mean art. They had everything from vintage enamels to different nozzles so you could get your tag perfect. Told you I was down. I really have to plug the store. It fucking rocked. I may even go back one day. Of course I am going to have to take some of those tanning pills C. Thomas Howell took in Soul Man beforehand.

Check out the store. 33third

Oh and check out Jhen's friend's art. He is pretty talented for a black guy. Lesean Thomas

On a final note I must curse Jhen for making me go to Roscoe's for chicken and waffles. My bowels are more broken than my brain.

Actual photo of my meal

Jhen, thanks for the visit.

Super Bush

My friend Jhen came for a visit over the past weekend. Yes, that is how you spell her name. I think it has something to do with her Ecuadorian roots or her mom's lack of spelling ability. I am not sure which.

Somehow during her stay the conversation lead to stray body hair. A chin hair here, a toe hair there! All things I just didn't want to hear about, until of course the conversation turned to her mom's bush. Jhen felt comfortable enough in my presence to reminisce about going to the beach in the 80s with her mom. Her mom insisted on two things; wearing a bikini, and not having a bikini wax. Her mom was proud of her ginormous bush. The further down the leg it went the more feminine she was. I listened in horror as she told the story. All I could do was act like I was the therapist and she was the molested child. I drew a picture and asked Jhen to add the pubic hair. I promised no one would hurt her again.
"Jhen, show me what the bush looked like."

Here is the drawing I did. Jhen added the pubic hair. Later her brother confirmed the story. At least I think he did. All he said was "Dang girl, you told them about mom's pubes! I am still scarred!"



More about Jhen's visit coming soon!

Random photo from my car

Looks like I'm not the only asshole who bought doggles for his dog.

New Show Idea

How about a gynecologist who has his office on a boat?

Can't you picture the boat rocking with the girl in the stirrups? Okay I am an animal, but I still think it's funny.

Vaginal Cream Pen

There is nothing better than going to a meeting with a client, trying to act like you care about your job, taking clear and concise notes, only to realize that the pen you are holding has the word 'vaginal' written in huge letters down its side. Sadly, it isn't one of those pens that you turn upside down to show a girl's boobies. It is a pen that was obviously stolen from a doctor's office. My pen that writes so well is a trinket from the makers of Clindesse better known as (clindamycin phosphate) vaginal cream 2%. It is now my favorite pen.

Cholesterol Eating Mogwai

I just received news that my cholesterol is at an all time low.

Total - 168
LDL - 101
HDL - 56

Malts for everyone!


I'm not really sure where I thought this post was going. I had grand dreams of telling some elaborate story involving me, Mr. Wing, and a cholesterol eating mogwai but I just couldn't make it come together.

Valley Crossfit turned me into John McCain

Did Valley Crossfit give me the fortitude to be a prisoner of war? No. Did it give me the strength to run for president? Doubtful. Did one beginner class make it so I can't lift my arms over my head? Absolutely! I had the pleasure of working out for one hour yesterday at Valley Crossfit. It is one of those places where all my Lou Ferrigno weight lifting style gets thrown out the window. The place is all about coordination and form. Both of which I have in little supply. It was a very humbling experience. Sure I can't comb my hair today, but like a battered wife, I know I will be back for more. I am thinking I will start out small, nothing too big, something local. Oh wait that is the premise for the last Rocky movie. In either case my goal is to build some hurting bombs. In all seriousness I did enjoy the workout and will be back. I figure it puts me one step closer to my eventual goal of being a ninja detective.

Here is a picture of me now that my arms no longer bend:


I would also like to thank my brother for coming with me to the class. He is not big on deviating from his normal routine, which he reminded me of many, many times. He claims he would rather run on a treadmill for a good cardio workout, but the sweat dripping down his head as he tried to do pull-ups tells a different story. There may be hope for him yet.

Official Food of Fall

I have decided that the vanilla malt is the official food of Fall. On what authority I have no idea.

Patent Pending

I have created the perfect breakfast meal.

Make one baked potato. Make sure the skin is nice and crispy. Cook two slices of bacon. This must also be nice and crispy. Slice the potato open, apply butter, and crumble the bacon inside. Now for the most important part. Wait for it. Wait for it. Poach two eggs and put them inside the potato on top of the bacon. Tell me this isn't genius. I call it the poached egg, bacon, loaded baked potato. The name needs work but the concept is solid. I am going to be so rich!

It's Always Sunny on TV

The best stuff happens to people on TV. It makes me wish I lived inside inside my TV. No one seems to be able to relate to my feelings except a local homeless guy who uses a burnt out Zenith for shelter. In any event I am thrilled because in six days It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia starts back up. Happy Day!

I wish I was this clever!

Craigslist Ad that was just pulled:

Wanted: a roommate who pays rent in cookies: "The rent is $1 per month, utilities included, as long as you bake me fifty (50) tasty cookies every day by 6 p.m. If you have not completed this task by 6 p.m., I will pour vinegar on all your belongings, throw them into the street, and have the locks changed...I will decide the specific type of cookie the day before and will submit my preference in writing..." [Craigslist]

The vinegar is such a nice touch. It really shows the dichotomy of this guy's personality. ON the one side he is sweet(cookies) but on the other sour (vinegar). He obviously has been hurt before.

Fuck Facebook

I am a complete narcissist. My obsession with myself can be described as painful, but even I think it is pathetic how people update facebook every two seconds with what they are doing or their mood. No one cares. In protest I have decided to pull my profile. I realize as I write this no one cares about that either.

Blog Roll

I am planing to update the blogroll in a few minutes. Add all the stuff that keeps my broken mind busy in a day. Before I do here is a site I kind of like, Oobject. So many lists to keep my OCD going!

Blogging Goodfellas Style

Good day blogging today?
Yeah
Blog about a lot?
Yeah
Tell me about this letter from Blogger. It says you haven't been blogging in months! In months! Think you are so smart? You're a bum! Want to grow up to be a bum????

On that note I am back!!!!
Fast forward to 5:39