Look son, a faggot!

Obviously the father is pointing at Kim Jong Il, a Charlie that currently runs some shit starving-ass third world country in China or whatever. Mr. Il's navy apparently torpedoed and sank a South Korean ship this morning, possibly endangering our supply chain of cell phones and flat screens. He then warned the United States that if we threaten him in any way, and I shit you not, America will "fall victim to the unprecedented nuclear strikes of the invincible army".

The Barry Rides will not stand for this kind of unprovoked aggression.

We hereby submit the following open letter to Supreme Leader of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Kim Jong Il, and all the citizens of North Korea:

To Kim Jong Ching Chong and all the people of your stinky shitty country-

The Barry Rides will not tolerate this type of inflammatory rhetoric. Especially from a nation most of us cannot locate. You have awoken a mighty beast, and you will pay a devastating price for your stupid idiocy. You have unleashed forces that you cannot even begin to comprehend with your teeny tiny pea-brains, and you will regret the moment you made the ultimate mistake by insulting us. 

The Barry Rides hereby declares Ultimate and Total War against the nation of North Korea. Make no mistake, you have made the hugest mistake ever by provoking us, and you will be destroyed in the most spectacular and ruthless fashion in all the history of Mankind. We will rain hellfire down upon your fishlike heads, and put shit in your drinking water. We will enslave all of you, and force you to fight each other in Karate matches for our amusement. We will wipe our asses with your nicest towels and feign ignorance when confronted about it. We will bombard your self esteem with racist jokes.

If you surrender unconditionally within the next 24 hours we will only kill half of your first born sons and poison only two thirds of your rice. Regardless, you will suffer horrors that will make all other Chinese people of the world think twice about ever pissing us off in the slightest.

Sincerely,

Barry of The Barry Rides

Pump Station

My office recently built a special room where women can go, sit in privacy, hook up their computers, and use their personal breast pumps to produce milk for their children. I assume these women are supposed to be lactating, but I have never asked. Anyway, I was wondering would it be so wrong if I used this room to jerk off? These women go in there when their breasts get engorged to relieve the pressure. Well I have the same problem with my cock. I sit at my desk and sometimes it gets "full". Why can't I go in there with my computer for fifteen minutes (if I use the right hand) to have some release? It would make me more comfortable and relaxed so I can focus on work. I am really thinking about the company here. I don't see the difference between me whipping out my junk and stroking it and pulling out a boob and pumping the milk out. I can even use the same jars and put it in the fridge. I think I am going to ask my local HR representative what she thinks.

Choke On It

I was reading the New York Times food section the other day (because I'm classy and urbane) and I saw an article about how the new hip ingredient that everyone's getting into is rabbit and while that might turn some people off, it made perfect sense to me. You see, the simple fact is, when faced with a choice of what to eat, the easiest way to cut through the bullshit is to always eat the cuter animal. For your consideration:



Cows are pretty damn tasty, and they can be pretty cute in a weird way, but you know what's better than beef? Veal. And you want to know why? It's cuter. I mean look at this thing...



Who wouldn't want to eat that? But I can go one further, lamb is even more delicious than veal, just look at this little fucker, my mouth is watering as I type this...



And with lamb you get to see this law in action. Think about the fact that the older and more haggerd a lamb gets, the tougher and more gamey it's meat becomes. Who wants to eat this thing?



So yeah, when I read about restaurants adding cute little bunnies to their menus I don't get outraged or grossed out, I make a reservation. I say fuck it, why stop with the usual farm-type animals, I bet Panda is the most delicious thing on earth, I want to eat one with some BBQ sauce. Imagine what a sea otter must taste like when it uses its tiny little paws to smash open mussel shells with river stones, so cute. Genie pops out of a bottle and asks me what I want to eat? Raven Symone circa 1989 with a can of orange slice.



That's my death-row meal.

Giving back

I just had a dream I was doing community service in Hermosa Beach. I guess it's possible since odds are I will eventually be arrested for the 63 simultaneous crimes against nature I just committed. Funny enough, the police from Reno 911 were in charge of my community service. Deputy S. Jones was my case officer. I drove around in his cruiser to avoid doing any real work. Dreams are great!

Has it been 37 years already

Sometimes I worry about my brother. He stopped shaving awhile ago. He likes to let the beard grow for about a month so it gets super scratchy, then when he can't take it anymore he has The Shave of Beverly Hills clean it off. That is all fine and dandy but they went out of business a few weeks ago. Now I am worried he will be walking around his apartment with a billy goat beard and shoe boxes stuffed with cum rags for shoes. It is like he is the poor man's Howard Hughes. No jars of urine yet but I am pretty sure his pants are full of shit. Wow this went off topic quick. I just wanted to wish my brother a happy birthday. Thirty seven years ago my mom was rushed to the ER and after seven hours, three feet of intestine and my brother emerged from her anus. It was a great day.

Enjoy the day you fag!


*Good news The Shave has reopened! It's a birthday miracle.

Shutter Island the review

You might be wondering why there is a picture of Bar Refaeli in a bikini above. Isn't it obvious? This same picture was hanging in Leonardo DiCaprio's trailer on the set of Shutter Island. Every morning he would look at this photo and say, "Please God let me stay rich and famous so I can keep banging chicks like this." The movie sucked. Shame on you Mr. DiCaprio. You disappointed me but I understand. You have to do what you have to do.

Why I will never make it in Hollywood

So this morning I was dropping off Monkey at LAX so that he could fly the friendly skies via Pet Airways to Colorado when who do I meet but none other than the star of Bored to Death, Jason Schwartzman. He was dropping off dog for a trip to NYC. We stood there for a few seconds exchanging pleasantries about each others respective pets while all his movies ran through my mind. Do I say something? Do I tell him I like Bored to Death even though his character is a bit Jewy? Before I could get the words out, Monkey decided to drop a man sized log basically on Mr. Schwartzman’s foot. I guess he was nervous. Damn it. Why does my dog have to ruin everything? Bad enough he has cancer. I awkwardly picked up his poop with the standard “this never happens inside" line coming out of my mouth. When I pushed my script (McDonald's receipt with my phone number written on it) into his chest he did not seem receptive at all. I totally blame my dog's bowel movement on my failure to get him attached to my latest egg mcmuffin project.

Mo'Nique gets Oscar nod

I saw Mo'Nique got an Oscar nomination for Beerfest this morning. I can't think of a more deserving recipient. The raw emotion she showed when she pushed Landfill into that vat of beer was gut wrenching. I really felt her anguish over taking a life. If that wasn't enough her interaction with Barry Badrinath was nothing short of genius. I honestly felt they were in love or at the very least I wanted a slap and tickle. Congrats you chocolate goddess. I am pulling for you.

Most talented, least successful Jew in Hollywood

I am beginning to wonder why I am the only Jew in LA who isn't rich. When I made that pact with the devil I assumed at some point I would be rich and successful in Hollywood. I had dreams of people kissing my ass while all my movie ideas got the green light without me ever writing a script. Then again that devil was a she-male wearing red horns four days after Halloween in El Segundo. I let him touch it with the promise of success. So far nothing but a rash.

Nigger Jim, get your raft ready

I just found out my dog has cancer again. I am not pleased. Friday he leaves for Colorado State University to get the best treatment my credit card can buy. While there he will be spending some time at the Canine Health Resort. Everybody wish him luck. He better live forever.

Our president is black and our children stupid

America is really falling apart. Last night when I couldn't make it through anymore of the President's state of the union speech (as he was introduced), I started flipping through the channels. I didn't change the channel because of Barry being black (him not me), I just didn't want to listen to a guy who is planning on taxing me on money I haven't made and never will. Anyway I was flipping through the channels when I came across the movie Twilight. After watching ten minutes of it, I realize now America is in deep shit. I understand Hollywood will make anything as long as it makes money and I respect that, it is the same reason I will dig a ditch or let a middle aged white man slap my ass for fifty dollars. What I don't understand is how every 14 year old in America has a hard on for this movie. I have never seen a smellier pile of shit in my life. The acting is terrible and my morning constitutional has more of a story. And I only made it through ten minutes. The youth of America are completely retarded.

Vampires sparkle like diamonds in the sun.

The terrorists have already won.

I miss the '80s

Three amazing quotes from a '80's pile of shit. Guess the movie and win nothing.

You blow away a broad's date, the least you can do is drive her home.

Well, there's some good and there's some bad news. The good news is you're right - I'm a cop and I've gotta take you in. The bad news is I've been suspended and I don't give a fuck.

I hear West Hollywood's a faggot sewer.

People of the world unite

We have had some major tragedy in the world this week. There are close to 500,000 people dead or missing on a tiny island. From what I understand it is pure anarchy. I ask you in this difficult time to do what you can to help, whether it be donate money, services or just open your home to refugees, now is the time to be selfless. I swear I have never seen Puerto Rico in such despair. Earthquakes suck.

***Photo taken moments ago in downtown Port au Prince

So fucking laz....

I have been so lazy lately I haven't even posted about being too lazy to blog. Reminds me of a bit Louis C.K. did about a heckler. Something about when they were born someone walked by and say "Hey look at that cunt coming out of some cunt's cunt.

I like to say cunt.

Blog on.

Spoiler - The entire plot of Sherlock Holmes

I saw Sherlock Holmes and I plan to ruin it for everyone. Stop reading if you actually want to waste your money and see it.
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So Sherlock Holmes had a ton of hype and yes there is some great scenery, and some good fight scenes, oh and some dark arts trickery, but really the big thing in the movie, the big thing that sets up part two, is that the bad guys want a to steal a garage door opener. That's it. I just gave it all away. It is actually a pretty good thing to want. Who the hell wants to get out of their car and manually open their garage, then have to get back in the car to park? That sounds terrible. I feel the bad guy's pain. I really could relate to him.

I just saved you ten bucks. You can thank me after you watch it on cable.

Happy Fucking New Year!

I have made some resolutions for the new year. No particular order:

• Get rich or die trying
• Catch Bin Laden (see get rich)
• Grow two inches
• Punch Betty White in the face again
• Stop that porn tape of me and Betty White from being released.
• Get OJ out of jail
  
• Learn to weld
• Get a 2010 Calender
• Laugh at the homeless
• Write a trilogy
• Run a marathon naked
• Convert to Judaism
• See the movie Kick Ass

I am sure I am forgetting something but for now I think I have a good start.
****Betty White is a saint and I would never punch her.

Happy New Year from The Barry Rides!

Fuck you

Yeah, you. The person reading this. You wanna know why? Because you never leave any goddamn comments. Scroll down and look at the sidebar and you'll find a Sitemeter thing that displays our daily traffic. Yeah that's right, 4,900+.

So I fail to understand why, despite the fact that we gain new readers every single day (don't believe me? check the sitemeter tomorrow and there will be at least 7 or 8 more than we had today), almost all of you refuse to show your appreciation by commenting. The only people who leave comments are myself, Jake, Barry, and Barry's brother Louis. This is bullshit and must end. If you fags won't cooperate, I'll fucking MAKE you.

Arbeit Macht Frei

Has anyone seen those PETA videos of the industrial farm chickens that are bred to grow so much breast meat that they can no longer stand? They stumble around until they fall down in their own waste (I type this while eating a bucket of KFC). These chickens are preferable because consumers buy more breast meat.

A friend of mine was recently telling me about a performance review with her boss where she was given some feedback about how she could improve her assent up the corporate ladder. When she explained that she was perfectly happy where she was, her boss was astounded.

The Barry Rides takes over the Fast and Furious Franchise

I am happy to announce that The Barry Rides has gotten an imaginary contract to pen six new Fast and Furious movies. We will be starting with the forth in the franchise and working our way through number ten. Some of you may be aware of the fact that number four has already been released, but we are pretty confident that once you see our version you will be happy we redid it. I don't want to take anything away from the originals, so please see ours as a re-imagining and less of a redo. Interesting thing about our contract, all writing will be done by Jake and one of prerequisites to him putting pen to paper is that he takes an Ambien before he actually starts. I figure the first script will have a Buick Grand National, Vin Diesel, cinnamon toast, and maybe a chase scene through a Costco all within the first five minutes.

I am also happy to announce that you won't have to wait for the movie to be released in theaters to know what happens. Jake is planning to use the blog to write the script.

2010 is going to be awesome!