Has it been 37 years already

Sometimes I worry about my brother. He stopped shaving awhile ago. He likes to let the beard grow for about a month so it gets super scratchy, then when he can't take it anymore he has The Shave of Beverly Hills clean it off. That is all fine and dandy but they went out of business a few weeks ago. Now I am worried he will be walking around his apartment with a billy goat beard and shoe boxes stuffed with cum rags for shoes. It is like he is the poor man's Howard Hughes. No jars of urine yet but I am pretty sure his pants are full of shit. Wow this went off topic quick. I just wanted to wish my brother a happy birthday. Thirty seven years ago my mom was rushed to the ER and after seven hours, three feet of intestine and my brother emerged from her anus. It was a great day.

Enjoy the day you fag!


*Good news The Shave has reopened! It's a birthday miracle.

Shutter Island the review

You might be wondering why there is a picture of Bar Refaeli in a bikini above. Isn't it obvious? This same picture was hanging in Leonardo DiCaprio's trailer on the set of Shutter Island. Every morning he would look at this photo and say, "Please God let me stay rich and famous so I can keep banging chicks like this." The movie sucked. Shame on you Mr. DiCaprio. You disappointed me but I understand. You have to do what you have to do.

Why I will never make it in Hollywood

So this morning I was dropping off Monkey at LAX so that he could fly the friendly skies via Pet Airways to Colorado when who do I meet but none other than the star of Bored to Death, Jason Schwartzman. He was dropping off dog for a trip to NYC. We stood there for a few seconds exchanging pleasantries about each others respective pets while all his movies ran through my mind. Do I say something? Do I tell him I like Bored to Death even though his character is a bit Jewy? Before I could get the words out, Monkey decided to drop a man sized log basically on Mr. Schwartzman’s foot. I guess he was nervous. Damn it. Why does my dog have to ruin everything? Bad enough he has cancer. I awkwardly picked up his poop with the standard “this never happens inside" line coming out of my mouth. When I pushed my script (McDonald's receipt with my phone number written on it) into his chest he did not seem receptive at all. I totally blame my dog's bowel movement on my failure to get him attached to my latest egg mcmuffin project.

Mo'Nique gets Oscar nod

I saw Mo'Nique got an Oscar nomination for Beerfest this morning. I can't think of a more deserving recipient. The raw emotion she showed when she pushed Landfill into that vat of beer was gut wrenching. I really felt her anguish over taking a life. If that wasn't enough her interaction with Barry Badrinath was nothing short of genius. I honestly felt they were in love or at the very least I wanted a slap and tickle. Congrats you chocolate goddess. I am pulling for you.

Most talented, least successful Jew in Hollywood

I am beginning to wonder why I am the only Jew in LA who isn't rich. When I made that pact with the devil I assumed at some point I would be rich and successful in Hollywood. I had dreams of people kissing my ass while all my movie ideas got the green light without me ever writing a script. Then again that devil was a she-male wearing red horns four days after Halloween in El Segundo. I let him touch it with the promise of success. So far nothing but a rash.

Nigger Jim, get your raft ready

I just found out my dog has cancer again. I am not pleased. Friday he leaves for Colorado State University to get the best treatment my credit card can buy. While there he will be spending some time at the Canine Health Resort. Everybody wish him luck. He better live forever.

Our president is black and our children stupid

America is really falling apart. Last night when I couldn't make it through anymore of the President's state of the union speech (as he was introduced), I started flipping through the channels. I didn't change the channel because of Barry being black (him not me), I just didn't want to listen to a guy who is planning on taxing me on money I haven't made and never will. Anyway I was flipping through the channels when I came across the movie Twilight. After watching ten minutes of it, I realize now America is in deep shit. I understand Hollywood will make anything as long as it makes money and I respect that, it is the same reason I will dig a ditch or let a middle aged white man slap my ass for fifty dollars. What I don't understand is how every 14 year old in America has a hard on for this movie. I have never seen a smellier pile of shit in my life. The acting is terrible and my morning constitutional has more of a story. And I only made it through ten minutes. The youth of America are completely retarded.

Vampires sparkle like diamonds in the sun.

The terrorists have already won.

I miss the '80s

Three amazing quotes from a '80's pile of shit. Guess the movie and win nothing.

You blow away a broad's date, the least you can do is drive her home.

Well, there's some good and there's some bad news. The good news is you're right - I'm a cop and I've gotta take you in. The bad news is I've been suspended and I don't give a fuck.

I hear West Hollywood's a faggot sewer.

People of the world unite

We have had some major tragedy in the world this week. There are close to 500,000 people dead or missing on a tiny island. From what I understand it is pure anarchy. I ask you in this difficult time to do what you can to help, whether it be donate money, services or just open your home to refugees, now is the time to be selfless. I swear I have never seen Puerto Rico in such despair. Earthquakes suck.

***Photo taken moments ago in downtown Port au Prince

So fucking laz....

I have been so lazy lately I haven't even posted about being too lazy to blog. Reminds me of a bit Louis C.K. did about a heckler. Something about when they were born someone walked by and say "Hey look at that cunt coming out of some cunt's cunt.

I like to say cunt.

Blog on.

Spoiler - The entire plot of Sherlock Holmes

I saw Sherlock Holmes and I plan to ruin it for everyone. Stop reading if you actually want to waste your money and see it.
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So Sherlock Holmes had a ton of hype and yes there is some great scenery, and some good fight scenes, oh and some dark arts trickery, but really the big thing in the movie, the big thing that sets up part two, is that the bad guys want a to steal a garage door opener. That's it. I just gave it all away. It is actually a pretty good thing to want. Who the hell wants to get out of their car and manually open their garage, then have to get back in the car to park? That sounds terrible. I feel the bad guy's pain. I really could relate to him.

I just saved you ten bucks. You can thank me after you watch it on cable.

Happy Fucking New Year!

I have made some resolutions for the new year. No particular order:

• Get rich or die trying
• Catch Bin Laden (see get rich)
• Grow two inches
• Punch Betty White in the face again
• Stop that porn tape of me and Betty White from being released.
• Get OJ out of jail
  
• Learn to weld
• Get a 2010 Calender
• Laugh at the homeless
• Write a trilogy
• Run a marathon naked
• Convert to Judaism
• See the movie Kick Ass

I am sure I am forgetting something but for now I think I have a good start.
****Betty White is a saint and I would never punch her.

Happy New Year from The Barry Rides!

Fuck you

Yeah, you. The person reading this. You wanna know why? Because you never leave any goddamn comments. Scroll down and look at the sidebar and you'll find a Sitemeter thing that displays our daily traffic. Yeah that's right, 4,900+.

So I fail to understand why, despite the fact that we gain new readers every single day (don't believe me? check the sitemeter tomorrow and there will be at least 7 or 8 more than we had today), almost all of you refuse to show your appreciation by commenting. The only people who leave comments are myself, Jake, Barry, and Barry's brother Louis. This is bullshit and must end. If you fags won't cooperate, I'll fucking MAKE you.

Arbeit Macht Frei

Has anyone seen those PETA videos of the industrial farm chickens that are bred to grow so much breast meat that they can no longer stand? They stumble around until they fall down in their own waste (I type this while eating a bucket of KFC). These chickens are preferable because consumers buy more breast meat.

A friend of mine was recently telling me about a performance review with her boss where she was given some feedback about how she could improve her assent up the corporate ladder. When she explained that she was perfectly happy where she was, her boss was astounded.

The Barry Rides takes over the Fast and Furious Franchise

I am happy to announce that The Barry Rides has gotten an imaginary contract to pen six new Fast and Furious movies. We will be starting with the forth in the franchise and working our way through number ten. Some of you may be aware of the fact that number four has already been released, but we are pretty confident that once you see our version you will be happy we redid it. I don't want to take anything away from the originals, so please see ours as a re-imagining and less of a redo. Interesting thing about our contract, all writing will be done by Jake and one of prerequisites to him putting pen to paper is that he takes an Ambien before he actually starts. I figure the first script will have a Buick Grand National, Vin Diesel, cinnamon toast, and maybe a chase scene through a Costco all within the first five minutes.

I am also happy to announce that you won't have to wait for the movie to be released in theaters to know what happens. Jake is planning to use the blog to write the script.

2010 is going to be awesome!

Ron Livingston is gay

At least according to one anonymous person who has Mr. Livingston's panties in a bunch.

It turns out that, despite Livingston's somewhat convincing denials that he is a homosexual, his Wikipedia page keeps insisting that he is one. Apparently someone keeps re-posting this information after each attempt by Livingston's agent to suppress it. This indisputable fact has led him to file a lawsuit against the alleged individual, and also marry a woman.

Barry Rides operatives have conducted an extensive investigation of Mr. Livingston, and have discovered that a Google search for "Ron Livingston is not a fag" returns a mere 3,080 results, while a search for "Ron Livingston is a fag" yields a commanding 789,000 results. On top of this, Yahoo Answers has gone on the record confirming these data.

Nevertheless, we at The Barry Rides feel that Ron Livingston is simply an innocent heterosexual who has been tricked into living a deviant lifestyle by the evil Boss Spider attached to his brain*.

*see pic

I porked Betty White

I was picking up a couple of tall boys the other day when this old bitch got in my face. Apparently I took the last Miller High Life six pack. We almost threw down, but then we both realized we could share the beer. I woke up six hours later in the Los Angeles zoo with a sore ass and an empty wallet. Damn you, Rose Nylund!!!

Hanukkah plus Yom Kippur = super holiday

So my brother wants to start a new religion and he has chosen me as one of the scribes. Not really, but I am going to pretend he wants me to write down his thoughts. This new religion will be just like Judaism, but there will be some subtle differences. For example, there will be no women allowed in this time. You really can't hate Jewish women if there are none (wow I really wrote that.) Another change that is really the reason for this post is how The menorah will now be eight Yahrzeit candles. Each day of Hanukkah, my brother, the supreme ruler of the the New Jewish Order will light a candle for someone he wishes was dead. Sure it sounds crazy now, but if I told you 75 years ago there would be people worshiping a guy who wrote bad science fiction books you would have thought I was out of my mind too. Let's talk in a few years.

This Just In...

It is being reported that a Richard Gere robot was recently admitted to the robot hospital in order to have a Zhu Zhu Pet removed from his rectum.

Rectum? Damn near killed him....