Rolex closes BH location

I am sad to announce via unsubstantiated internet rumor that Rolex has closed its Beverly Hills location after eleven years. Now where am I going to get my watch serviced when it is off by one tenth of a millisecond? This is a terrible blow to the economy and my morale in general. If Rolex can't make it who can? I don't want to live in a world where downturns in the economy affect the super rich.

*Being the watch nerd that I am, this news actually makes me sad.

Chewbacca before he went all Hollywood

I have a Chewbacca figure (circa 1977) in my medicine cabinet. Every morning I open the cabinet and laugh while I apply my deodorant. Why are his eyes blue? Silly wookie.

James Spader, not a Jew

And I hear he hates black people. If you think that is bad I shouldn't mention that there is a conspiracy going around about how Spader had a hand in the drowning of William Shatner's wife. Something about Shatner being the bigger star on Boston Legal. It is all very tragic. At least he is a great actor. I loved him in Weekend at Bernie's.

*If I knew writing about James Spader would get me so much traffic I would have done it a long time ago.
** There is no proof James Spader was in Weekend at Bernie's.

East Bound and Down Season Finale

Did anyone catch the season finale of East Bound and Down? I am making a call right now. I say the boobs shown at the beginning of the episode do not in fact belong to April. I am thinking they used stunt boobs. Does anyone have proof either way? If you do please, please let me know so I can once again sleep at night.

Dyson Interview if Barry did it

The Barry Rides is pleased to announce that it has landed its first major interview. This week's guest is noted suction master the Dyson vacuum.

Barry: Thanks for being here, Mr. Dyson. First off I'd like to ask you abou-

Dyson: Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooshh

Barry: Excuse me, what was that you said about racism in America?

Dyson: Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh

Barry: I see. You say the political climate is much more stable in your home country of England but I hear the Muslim populat -

Dyson: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHGNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEKGHDAG;LKH (Interview stopped for bag change)

Is James Spader a Jew?

I have conclusive proof that he is indeed Jewish. I saw him order a tongue sandwich at Greenblatt's Deli yesterday. If that isn't proof his name used to be James Siegelbergwitz, I don't know what is.

I have hated this guy ever since he played Brooke Shield's douchey brother in Endless Love.

Randy Sexer interviews Michael Eric Dyson

The Barry Rides is pleased to announce that it has landed its first major interview. This weeks guest is noted author and schoolteacher Michael Eric Dyson, who just a week ago gave a legendary performance on HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher. We've invited Mr. Dyson to join us this evening and "rap" with us about "what's good".

Randy Sexer: Thanks for being here, Mr. Dyson. First off I'd like to ask you abou-

Michael Eric Dyson: Actually that's "Dr. Michael Eric Dyson".

Randy: I'm sorry. You're a doctor?

Dyson: Indeed, Mr. Sexer. I earned my Doctorate of Philosophy in Religion at the illustrious Princeton University.

Randy: So you're more of a "witch doctor", then.

Dyson: Let me, let me tell you what you just did- you used a code language, "Witch Doctor" which implies a negative stereotype of African-Americans as innately barbaric and tribal in nature, and furthers the racial bifurcation promulgated initially by white slave masters and perpetuated largely inviolate henceforth, and which has led Negroes in this nation to a point of despair and almost, I would say, constitutes an institutionalized sense of predetermined failure among Black men in this country which I believe largely accounts for a plurality of societal malfunctions experienced and/or perpetrated by said members of said society.

Randy: Actually I was making fun of your bullshit religion PhD.
Code language would be if I called you a master-baiter. By the way you talk too much bro.

Dyson: [jumps out of chair and beats Randy to death]

Editor's Note:

It has come to my attention that Randy Sexer has passed away after sustaining massive blunt-force trauma to his face and brain.
He was a credit to douchebags everywhere. He will sorely be
not missed.

                       - Barry

Got change?

[thx Allah Pundit]

Greatest Key Chain ever

I remember my dad having one of these circa 1987. I am not sure where he got it. Maybe on an exotic business trip or a bodega in Irvington New Jersey. I almost lost my prepubescent mind when I saw it. I brought it to school so I could share my new found knowledge of the female anatomy with my sexually naive young friends. You see, you move the handle and the penis goes in the vagina. I am pretty sure she has to be standing when you do it.

17 Again enrages me!!

The movie 17 Again is causing fire to grow in my belly. It is not because I hate Zac Efron (I do), or the fact that this genre of movie died a quick death in 1988 with Kirk Cameron in Like Father Like Son*. Its the false hope that enrages me! If I just get a second chance everything is going to be better!! Let's dissect the idea. Say I had some magic beans that could suddenly transport me back into high school circa 1990, what would life be like?

I would be a freak of nature, that's what life would be like. Even more so this time. I would be a 17 year old with the mind of a 33 year old. Sure I would have a bit more knowledge and a bit more skills with the ladies (so little), but would I want it? These are girls with big beeves, bigger hair and pegged jeans. There is no way I would find them attractive. They are children for Christ's sake. Now that we have girls covered, let's look at my living situation. I would be living with my parents, sleeping on a twin bed with a minimum of one spring poking through the ripped Star Wars sheets that I refuse to part with. That sounds fun. Ah, but at least I have a job which equals freedom. What? You say I work at CVS making $4.25 an hour. Hmmm, that doesn't buy much freedom. What was I going to do differently again?

On the plus side I would have the knowledge of the past twenty years as a burden on my shoulders. I would tell my mom to buy stock in Apple. She would ignore me. I would tell my dad to divorce my mom. He would ignore me. I would tell the FBI that some planes were going to crash into the World Train Center in eleven years. They would ignore me. And worst of all I would still get a D in gym class. No thanks Mr. Efron. You can keep your movie and your false dreams.

*I realize that Like Father Like Son is a different premise of movie. One involves going back to high school and one involves switching bodies with your father. Don't even get me started on that movie. If you switch bodies with your dad and take a shower isn't there some sort of charges your father could be brought up on?

"People just had this sense of entitlement"

Alternate title: "Dr. ChangeLove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Be the Bomb"


Other alternate title: "Irony doesn't mean anything anymore."

P.S. another alternate title: "Fuck yo couch, nigga!
FUCK YO COUCH!!!"

Wanted: One Mentor

A few minutes ago I had a discussion with the higher ups in my office and it seems I will be employed for one more week. Every Thursday I get one of these talks. I would say it was stressful, but since I am debt free and rich, it isn't. If that wasn't enough of a kick in the ass to make me question what I am doing with my life and why I insist on wasting my God given talent (Ballet Prodigy), I had to go and watch this trailer.

Why can't some Jewish comedian take me under his wing while he is dying? Jackie Mason* are you listening? "The car is going like this, the wheel is going like that, you're going like this because you can't figure out where did the back go?"

*In no way do I want to work for Jackie Mason. I would sooner wait tables in the Catskills while waiting for Nell Carter to go on.

Parent Trap cursed

I can't beleive both Natasha Richardson and Lindsay Lohan are brain dead. What? Lindsay Lohan not officially declared brain dead? My bad.

Yay for Capitalism!

P.S.
I would pay to watch Bob Parsons go up against Barney Frank in a fight to the death.

Movie of my life ruined

I had planned to write an after school special about my life. It was going to be awesome. I had the cast all lined up. My mom was going to be played by Sally Field and my brother by River Phoenix. Long story short, Ron Silver was going to play my friend Bruce. Nothing ever goes as planned. Ron Silver had to throw a wrench in the works and up and die. Now I have to rewrite everything so that it can be a comedy. My mom will be played by Bea Arthur. My brother by Larry Miller and my friend Bruce by Jon Lovitz. Being an executive producer is tough.

I'm a dick

Noted Mexican-American actor Ron Silver passed away yesterday after a drunken Charlie Sheen drove over his esophagus:

Vaya con Dios, Chingon.

What is this strange technology?!

I just found out that Youtube can be used for more than merely watching videos. It would seem you can actually "upload" all kinds of inappropriate things from your hard drive, right on to the "Net"
(the internet).

Without further ado I present the following goddamn awesome clip:

Words I am unable to pronounce

Chipotle

Applicable

Defender of Freedom

Last week I was told I would soon be unemployed. You would think with that tiny nugget of information I would tighten the belt and cut expenses. Nope! I have been spending like a black man. What??? Did he say that??? I mean I have been spending like our president. Blowing cash I don't have on things no one cares about. To help the economy and to be proactive in this competitve job market, I bought myself a second car. When that last minute interview falls into your lap, you need a back up plan if your primary vehicle won't start. I am thinking ahead. I am thinking about the long term good of our country. That is why I bought a 1993 Land Rover Defender 110. Nothing says you care about the economy like buying an old rusted British car to park on blocks in front of your place. Stay tuned as I convert the back half into a hospital for my new socialized medical program.

*This blog in no way, shape or form supports the economy.
**Stay tuned for the restoration process of this Orthodox school bus.

Booty raiders

Click here for a tantalizing glimpse.